What Should I Do?

[Jackpnicholson]

Hello,

First of all my name is Jack and I'm thankful that you've taken the time to read this. I'll get straight into it.

I'm 21. And in May my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Unfortunately, due to feminized conditioning through being raised by a single mother, I latched on to the nearest person that would offer me 'support' - my current significant other.

June came and I found out that my partner was pregnant, after 1 month. I was under the impression she was on the pill, but I hold my hand up as I should have been wearing my protection so I can't blame her entirely. So even though my mother is deteriorating, this girl wants us to move in together to prepare for the child to get here. Bearing in mind she has a 4 year old daughter that I have now become stepdaddy to..
We move in basically 2 weeks later, and I'm working all hours to keep this afloat.

Now, September comes and my mother dies. That support that I latched onto her for is no where to be seen, nor has it been present for the past months as I've been working all the time. But she wouldn't even come to the hospital to see my mum's body with me. She stayed at home and played Candy Crush instead..

But now I can't do a thing right, I even go to the shop and I'm gone too long. Currently as I write this, she is avoiding me upstairs after a number of hours silent treatment because I went to the top of the road to give my step dad a key to my mums house.

I would like to know your opinions on what I should do, as I feel I need a masculine perspective. My thoughts are telling me to stay for the baby. But at the same time I feel I'm living for her. If anybody could give me some guidance, info on past experiences or anything. That would be hugely appreciated.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I haven't had any experiences even remotely like this, but I'm bumping the thread in hopes that someone might chime in with some useful advice.

 

[ohrein]

Your child isn't going to benefit from you keeping a terrible situation going. If she's already a nightmare, you can imagine how it will be in the future.

Firstly, it sounds like you recognize you need some masculinity which is great. Masculinity is all about standing up for yourself with integrity and discipline. Be the strong and stoic leader your child will need. From here on out you need to start planning your life out for your child, not your girlfriend. If that involves getting your girlfriend in line somehow, that'd be great, but if she's got multiple kids from multiple dads and is showing that level of disrespect, I'm not hopeful. So stop letting her disrespect you. Start laying down the law. There is nothing wrong with you walking up the road to give your dad something, so very calmly tell her that. If she loses her ****, tell her she's free to talk to you when she wants to be an adult and leave it at that. If she flips her lid and gets violent or overly aggressive with you when you stand your ground, moving out is the only good option in my opinion.

Secondly, plan ahead. Do not tell her any of your plans if you decide to move. Get a lawyer, cover your a$$. Ask your lawyer about custody and child support payments. Do not feel guilty about it. Do what you must to protect yourself so you can provide for your child. Don't let her get more money than she's entitled to.

Thirdly, all that said, this is a complicated problem. There are many times in life when there are no good options, only bad or worse. You need to find the bad option and avoid the worse option. Sometimes that's the best you can do. So understand this circumstance is going to be tough on you, but take on the responsibility voluntarily. Embrace it. You can leave your girlfriend and support your child and live a great life with someone else if it gets to that. Things are going to be tough for a few years but you'll sort it out eventually. You'll be fine in the long run and although I can't speak from experience, raising a kid seems to be a really fulfilling life journey so look forward to that.

I'd read book of pook and the rational male to try and get up to speed on positive masculinity and women. Feel free to come back here for support.
Peace.

EDIT: Oh, and paternity test if you have any suspicion at all. I mean the most minor of reasons to think it's not your kid.

 

[BeExcellent]

A woman's perspective:

Firstly my condolences on the loss of your mother.

I concur entirely with the advice @ohrein has given you. You cannot live for this woman who already is showing herself to be incredibly selfish and unsupportive.

You must weigh your options with yourself and your best interests at heart. You will give the most to your child by being your own man.

Set your boundaries, stand up for yourself and educate yourself. You've made one mistake but you'll have offspring as a result. That can be an amazing blessing. Do not stay with a woman out of obligation unless you think there is benefit to YOU in doing so.

None of your choices may seem great right now...pick the best course of action and move forward.

Since she already has a child by another man...observe how she interacts with him. She isn't with him is she? Why is that?

Bear in mind that the way she treats the other baby daddy is the way she is likely to treat you, especially if you decide to cut your loses and move out.

Consult an attorney local to you who specializes in family law and unmarried parents particularly. Even if it costs a few hundred dollars for the consultation. That is money well spent. The laws differ concerning married versus unmarried couples. The laws in some jurisdictions actually favor your paternal rights more if you are legally married insofar as custody, visitation and so forth are concerned. You'll need to weigh that against the financial end of things. Get legal advice. And stand up for yourself. It takes 2 to make a baby. She has more responsibility than just being pregnant but you can only control you.

 

[marmel75]

This woman has checked out on you. The blatant disrespect she has shown you and no appreciation for your working is pretty obvious. I'd end it. You have nothing to gain by putting yourself through this. You can do better and you need to do this to respect yourself and walk away with what's left of your dignity intact.

Could this woman be one of the types who has kids with multiple men so she can sit on her ass and collect child support from all of them and then bounces to the next one? Kind of convenient how she claims she is on the pill but ends up pregnant. Seems well on her way to becoming one if she isn't.

 

[MrWood]

Unfortunatly sometimes that person who you want to pour out your problems to, starts to see in one that they cannot be strong to handle those issues, let alone a relationship problem. Sorry