Tricky Position

flowtheory

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Been seeing my girlfriend for 5 months now. Have fallen in love. The other day she told me after she completes her BAR exam and becomes a full fledge lawyer she’s wanting to move back to Europe and pursue a career there, as that’s the geography that has captured her heart and where she’s originally from. Doesn’t feel like herself in North America.
Obviously by her leaving and me staying, that’s our demise.

I’m crazy about her. Many great aspects to the relationship. Also some complicated ones too, yea.
There’s no strifes between us or flakiness on her part happening. It’s a very honest and open connection. All her actions are on point. Tons of sex, dates, her paying for bills, great. Her thoughts from time to time are the biggest hurdle as she’s confused within her own dealings. It’s challenging but I’m learning about myself within it.

So I don’t want to end it at the moment. So let’s freeze that suggestion. I don’t want to see anyone else at all. So I’m not gonna have an open relationship or spin other plates. And she doesn’t want this either at all.
But in 6.5 or more months she would be gone (assuming this all happens). Like I said, I have immense feelings for her and want to keep our relationship full of richness and depth.
How does one care less and simply enjoy the lasting months with a person who will soon be gone? How does one not get caught up in the potential heartbreak within the time remaining and get depressed at the thought?

My advice to myself would be to fully enjoy it day-by-day for what it is, rather than the idea of what it could be as a LTR - maybe kids and moving in, all that stuff relationships are built on - ideas. But everyday that goes by there’s more emotional development because I’ve already caught the deep feels for her. So does one just accept that this will end in heartbreak and be okay with it, that that is a part of life? A learning experience?

Any pragmatic suggestions about this would be appreciated. Because it is something valuable to me and when it does end I still want it to end with positivity with as little determint to my being as possible
 

Spaz

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For simplicity I'll use the cat and mouse analogy.

This cat has decided to inform her playmate that's she's moving house (to find a more exciting mouse because that's exactly what she's gonna do, don't be naive to think otherwise).

The only way this cat will stay back is when a cunning mouse appears to keep things exciting and fun then just when things seem all nice and dandy he disappears into his cave.... for hours... for days...maybe even a week without so much as a peek and the cat will be waiting to pounce on him with her frustration growing as time passed by.

As her frustration grow...

So does her emotional swings...

It will swing to an extreme high and just as fast to an extreme low.

And that's when she'll think that this must be "love"...

It's stupid right.

That's female logic.

Use it to your advantage flow. Just don't go around abusing this technique.
 

TheProspect

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Everything is impermanent and subject to change.

Accept that you will inevitably be forever separated from her one day, and when you are, you won’t be lacking anything at that moment.

With or without this woman, enjoy and accept what life offers at the present moment. Anything else is suffering.

Learn to love without attachment.
 

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flowtheory

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She is choosing Europe over you.
Possible you are more into her than she is into you?
It’s not as simple as that. She has always seen herself in Europe. She’s orignally from there. She doesn’t like the life experience in North America; lack of culture. In Europe there’s history and full of it. It’s where her heart is. If it were just our relationship that was lacking she could easily find someone else who was better suited.
And yes I would say I’m in to things more than her. But it has to do with something bigger than just interest. She doesn’t FEEL 100% like herself here so she can’t be 100% here and give all. It’s almost as if a part of her has been cut out.

This cat has decided to inform her playmate that's she's moving house (to find a more exciting mouse because that's exactly what she's gonna do, don't be naive to think otherwise).
Like I stated above; it doesn’t have much to do with our actual relationship, but more-so how she personally feels in this geography. Her relationship to North America isn’t the most positive one. If I became an insanely high value man tomorrow I really don’t believe it would change much at all. She would still move to Europe. It doesn’t have much to do with me.
Because like I said above, if she were wanting someone else, she could easily have that.

Everything is impermanent and subject to change.

Accept that you will inevitably be forever separated from her one day, and when you are, you won’t be lacking anything at that moment.

With or without this woman, enjoy and accept what life offers at the present moment. Anything else is suffering.

Learn to love without attachment.
A difficult practice. A worthy and meaningful one though.
 

sazc

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@flowtheory it DOES have to do with your actual relationship because, if she saw more value in the relationship, the idea of moving across country without you would give her emotional distress.

Did she at least suggest that you both move? Or is she taking the more alpha position and telling you she's moving (and you can follow or not) or has she essentially said "I'm moving, don't care if you come or not"

This chick isn't REALLY into you....
 

sazc

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@flowtheory I'll add that, if you are looking for a long term relationship, I'd demote her to plate and start dating around. Never waste your time on someone who has made it clear that they are a temporary part of your life
 

Spaz

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.Like I stated above; it doesn’t have much to do with our actual relationship, but more-so how she personally feels in this geography. Her relationship to North America isn’t the most positive one. If I became an insanely high value man tomorrow I really don’t believe it would change much at all. She would still move to Europe. It doesn’t have much to do with me.
Because like I said above, if she were wanting someone else, she could easily have that.
U r parroting her narrative to you.

Even up until this stage you can't form ur own opinion as to why she actually wants to move to Europe.

It's like ur thoughts is easily molded....manipulated....bullied into acceptance when put under pressure.

Could any women truly feel safe or secure knowing that ?

Lost of attraction is almost assured.

I feel you man, perhaps even have a soft spot for you which is why I'm taking time to post this.

A woman will cross oceans, mountains, countries or even dump her own religion for a man who ignites her passionately — ask any women and you will know the truthfulness of this.

North America ain't the problem.

It's an excuse tailored made just for you.
 

flowtheory

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@flowtheory it DOES have to do with your actual relationship because, if she saw more value in the relationship, the idea of moving across country without you would give her emotional distress.

Did she at least suggest that you both move? Or is she taking the more alpha position and telling you she's moving (and you can follow or not) or has she essentially said "I'm moving, don't care if you come or not"

This chick isn't REALLY into you....
Across country? It’s across the world..

She asked once in passing if I would ever move to Europe. But the fact is, I wouldn’t even if she asked me.
She never worded it that bluntly. Said she’s crystallized in her mind that she’s going to love to Europe come the end of the year or a bit later. Is going to apply for positions in the UK or thereabouts.
I see what you’re saying though.
 

flowtheory

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U r parroting her narrative to you.

Even up until this stage you can't form ur own opinion as to why she actually wants to move to Europe.
But I would say that her narrative is her truth. Because if she wasn’t in to me, she would just end it. And my own opinion has to do with the fact I can see she doesn’t like the American culture or way of life as much as a European one. It’s been a constant throughout our relationship.

It's like ur thoughts is easily molded....manipulated....bullied into acceptance when put under pressure.
Well I do have to accept what her thoughts are. It would be different if she were just saying things. But this is her life she’s talking about. I don’t know if that’s her manipulating me.

A woman will cross oceans, mountains, countries or even dump her own religion for a man who ignites her passionately — ask any women and you will know the truthfulness of this.
Hard to argue with this one. But life and love aren’t always so straightforward if they have envisioned their life being in a different place than it currently is.

North America ain't the problem.

It's an excuse tailored made just for you.
I do believe she feels America is the problem. If it were just about our relationship it would be easier to let go of what we have than actually move continents.
If our relationship weren’t good, why would she want to spend so much time together, work on things, communicate, pay for dates, have a lot of sex?
 
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sazc

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Across country? It’s across the world..

She asked once in passing if I would ever move to Europe. But the fact is, I wouldn’t even if she asked me.
She never worded it that bluntly. Said she’s crystallized in her mind that she’s going to love to Europe come the end of the year or a bit later. Is going to apply for positions in the UK or thereabouts.
I see what you’re saying though.
Again, SHE'S made it clear, there's no long term potential for YOU here.

Women do this "hope he will change" thing ALL the time. It's always a fantasy and it's always a waste of time.

Your time is important. Don't waste it. Find someone who wants the SAME things you do.
 

flowtheory

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Again, SHE'S made it clear, there's no long term potential for YOU here.

Women do this "hope he will change" thing ALL the time. It's always a fantasy and it's always a waste of time.

Your time is important. Don't waste it. Find someone who wants the SAME things you do.
Yes she’s absolutely made the future thing clear. 100%.

What do you mean by “Hope he will change” thing
 

sazc

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Yes she’s absolutely made the future thing clear. 100%.

What do you mean by “Hope he will change” thing
Women can get into long term relationships with men that they do love, but they want to change a bit. @logicallefty was just saying how his gf was upset that he didn't dance with her at a party. She was so upset she pulled some low class passive aggressive "I'm mad" behavior. Lefty made it clear early on that, among other things, he didn't dance/like to dance. I surmise, because women do this, that she probably thought she could change him on this issue. So she gets mad at him for who he is.

Let's hope there's nothing else he told her about himself that she either chose not to hear, or is thinking she can change. But I suspect there is.

Men do this type of thing as well. @Reyaj was just complaining about his gf's weight and asking how he could change it. There are other members whom ask this same question. I've heard from enough men that they shacked up with women who were very poor at money management and her financial issues never changed, and even devestated them. When I ask "why did you allow this for so long" the reply is "I thought/hoped she would change"

With men they typically (erroneously) think they can model the preferred behavior, and she will eventually adopt it. With women, they tend to first encourage and then nag to try and get the behavior they want. Women end up feeling resentful because he won't change, and they drive their man away "from the b1tch".

It's ALL futile. All of this rarely works because people are who they are. It's difficult to change anyone.

In your case, if the roles were reversed, it would be very normal for her to hear him say "I see my life being in Europe" and she would convince herself that she could make him fall in love with her, so that he'll never want to leave her or America. Eventually she will be devastated because he did state very clearly what his aspirations were, she just chose not to hear them, instead she chose to convince herself that she could change him.

in the end she wasted half a year, one year, two years, or maybe even more, investing herself into a relationship that she knew early on had an expiration date. This is why she panics as 30 looms and she is isolatingly single with no solid prospects.

Don't do that, it's ridiculous
 
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flowtheory

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Women can get into long term relationships with men that they do love, but they want to change a bit. @logicallefty was just saying how his gf was upset that he didn't dance with her at a party. She was so upset she pulled some low class passive aggressive "I'm mad" behavior. Lefty made it clear early on that, among other things, he didn't dance/like to dance. I surmise, because women do this, that she probably thought she could change him on this issue. So she gets mad at him for who he is.

Let's hope there's nothing else he told her about himself that she either chose not to hear, or is thinking she can change. But I suspect there is.

Men do this type of thing as well. @Reyaj was just complaining about his gf's weight and asking how he could change it. There are other members whom ask this same question. I've heard from enough men that they shacked up with women who were very poor at money management and her financial issues never changed, and even devestated them. When I ask "why did you allow this for so long" the reply is "I thought/hoped she would change"

With men they typically (erroneously) think they can model the preferred behavior, and she will eventually adopt it. With women, they tend to first encourage and then nag to try and get the behavior they want. Women end up feeling resentful because he won't change, and they drive their man away "from the b1tch".

It's ALL futile. All of this rarely works because people are who they are. It's difficult to change anyone.

In your case, if the roles were reversed, it would be very normal for her to hear him say "I see my life being in Europe" and she would convince herself that she could make him fall in love with her, so that he'll never want to leave her or America. Eventually she will be devastated because he did state very clearly what his aspirations were, she just chose not to hear them, instead she chose to convince herself that she could change him.

in the end she wasted half a year, one year, two years, or maybe even more, investing herself into a relationship that she knew early on had an expiration date. This is why she panics as 30 looms and she is isolatingly single with no solid prospects.

Don't do that, it's ridiculous
I get what you’re saying.

I don’t know if she’s necessarily doing that here. And I also think everyone attempts to change the person their in a relationship with to varying degrees as you’re trying to find the best circumstances for your own needs. Humans are selfish
 

sazc

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I get what you’re saying.

I don’t know if she’s necessarily doing that here. And I also think everyone attempts to change the person their in a relationship with to varying degrees as you’re trying to find the best circumstances for your own needs. Humans are selfish
She's not attempting to do that here, YOU are taking the feminine submissive role in hanging around, locking yourself into a situation that's never going to pay off in terms of YOUR personal goals and desires.

I want to say, do you really think a dude, who wanted to find a long term partner, would hear a woman say "I'm definitely moving to another country in a year, but let's be monogamous until I go" and think to himself "great idea, I'll lock myself in for this train who's going to definitely abandon me"

But then I remember I'm actually talking to a dude. WHY are you letting her run this show?

Is the sex really that good? Or is the possible lack of sex that fearful?
 

marmel75

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Its easy for her to say that now since its far off into the future...once it becomes time for her to acfually follow through with it will be the hard part for her and if she sees a future with you she might change her mind.
 

flowtheory

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She's not attempting to do that here, YOU are taking the feminine submissive role in hanging around, locking yourself into a situation that's never going to pay off in terms of YOUR personal goals and desires.
I’m hanging around and staying in this with her because I genuinely have a great time with her. It’s more than just sex or basic companionship.

But then I remember I'm actually talking to a dude. WHY are you letting her run this show?
It’s not necessarily her running the show. She’s making a huge life choice to possible uproot everything. Being truthful in telling me that and now we’re in this position.
For her not to run the show my only move would be to abdondon this relationship, in your mind, correct?
But why does it have to be about power and control?
Is the sex really that good? Or is the possible lack of sex that fearful?
its more than just about sex. How we spend our time together and being with one another is actually very good. I think it’s that above all; just being around her. I’m not afraid of losing sex. I can get sex so easily if I chose to. Never had problems with that.
I am afraid of not having her in my life anymore, yes. I love spending time with her. And if I had the choice to spend 6.5 more months with her or not, I would take the 6.5 months. Just because a future is off the table doesn’t make it less meaningful. Just makes our connection finite
 

flowtheory

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Its easy for her to say that now since its far off into the future...once it becomes time for her to acfually follow through with it will be the hard part for her and if she sees a future with you she might change her mind.
This is true.

Because if it was me she didn’t actually want, like many here are saying and wanted a different playtoy, she would just dump me so easily and find someone else. She’s beautiful (looks like Jessica beils younger sister in my mind) and smart so it wouldn’t be hard.
All these thoughts are IDEAS - moving, kids, future; everything.

So I don’t necessarily believe it’s just “I choose Europe over him because he’s not THAT good”
It’s someone at 27 trying to figure their life out while being open with me about her confusion and indecisions in life. Major choices.
 
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