The "Secret" to Seducing Lots of Women

[BeExcellent]

Dropping (or lowering) expectations and being more open to taking risks knowing there is a strong possibility you may get hurt really hit home for me. Especially when I really like a man.

Interesting what your male friend said about needing to feel desired (which is an inherent need we all have) and it's only after a woman becomes sexual with him will he consider investing more with her.

I have heard this before from men as well. It's a tough one to navigate given how many men are only seeking casual hookups/FWBs and who aren't interested in any type of substantive relationship. Like @BPH has admitted.

Not quite sure what the answer is but I do think a bit of cautiousness may be prudent and wise.

However as you said, it's nuanced and best to judge every situation separately on an individual basis..

I have a question with regard to this comment.

My question is - doesn't this take time, at least a couple of dates, interacting and observing, before being able to determine how the other is investing and responding to you?

My answer to your question (and how I have resolved to live life) needs a preface:

In order to come into a new relationship or interaction as a clean slate we must understand 3 things.

1. Our own agency. That is, we must own our personal responsibility for the decisions we make as individuals and by extension own the consequences of those decisions. We have agency. We are making decisions based in agency. Decisions have outcomes. We must accept responsibility for our decisions and the associated outcomes.

2. The new person we are interacting with has nothing to do with past hurts or traumas we have been through. Therefore we must not saddle the new person with old wounds (baggage), and it is up to us to manage our own triggers & past traumas.

3. I accept that choosing to love and be vulnerable carries the risk of pain. I choose to love anyway. I accept the risk of getting hurt.

With all the above in mind I learned to *really* read people, to "thin slice" expressions, body language, emotion, intent. When I was very young I would miss cues in non verbal communication. I learned in time to read people very quickly & accurately. Alongside that I learned how to bypass people's walls (as I alluded to in my earlier post that I came into the side door into his mind....) and I am very careful with the wounds and sensitivities of people close to me. I have an uncanny ability to read psyche and see the wounds. Perhaps because I choose men with wounds similar to my own.....

When I met my husband I immediately recognized that a.) he was very attracted to/interested in me, and b.) he was more awkward than arrogant (although he came off as arrogant because of the way he carries himself - and he knows he's handsome/sexy).....

He got my contact info. and gave me a kiss before we departed (separately) the venue where we met....
and when I woke up the next morning he had already messaged me asking to take me to brunch, so wasted to time, came to a venue of my choice near me....dressed super cool (made an effort to look good), then after brunch asked me to go to wine country a bit out of town, then bought me dinner after that, then suggested we stay over in a nice hotel rather than risk driving back after wine.....

And things progressed naturally overnight. And my husband loves to tell that story ending by saying "and we've been together ever since...." with a big smile...

 

[BeExcellent]

So although it was a rapid timeline, there was investment of time, effort and money on his part. All I had to do was say yes. And I did. No games, no BS, no arbitrary endpoints of however many dates....although you could say with 5-6 venue changes, spending different types of time together etc., that we compressed 5-6 dates into that first 48 hours together. I let it ride. I liked him, thought he was hot & smart & slightly nerdy, and I also could read some insecurities in him. I recalled what my player friend had said about wanting to feel desired as a man, and let things unfold.....

I knew he also might percieve me pressing pause as rejection.....and he knew he could find other pretty girls easily, so it was partly on me not to put him off.

I also made him cry unexpectedly during that long first day together, asking gently about something that seemed painful - it was - and that gave me an emotional "in".....

But all that came from my ability to read him really well from the jump.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Everyone observe the following exchange ^ above - and notice how a universally accepted tenet on this board and a common observation of the general public - that's it's about a genuine connection and not about arbitrary parameters - got drug into a 1,000 word exchange.

Beware the Litter Box Quicksand if you value your time.

 

[BeExcellent]

Eh. Not everybody gets it Billy. Be patient.

 

[Velasco]

So yeah coming from a place of “I just love women” Is a good idea to start with.

A lot of successful guys are just Dark Triad sociopaths, they don't love women, they love themselves and are ready to lie to get what they want

yeah i was about to type this. could easily be faked. i hate women because of all the games i got to deal with. even if we alr slept w each other a bunch. but i do enjoy fcking them so it is what it is

 

[Sega Genesis]

although you could say with 5-6 venue changes, spending different types of time together etc., that we compressed 5-6 dates into that first 48 hours together.

I think what's in bold^^ is an important distinction and enabled you to assess his interest, investment and your mutual connection in a much shorter time period than what's typical for a first meet/date.

But I do get it BE. Like I said in previous a significant long-term ex and I hooked up the first night as well which for us seemed perfectly natural. That only happened once and we ended up spending the entire weekend together and the next six years!

I understand about reading people, what's also important and which I'm fairly skilled at is reading how WE vibe together and our energy/chemistry.

I don't believe it's necessarily true that a woman needs to have sex with a man in order for him to feel desired. There are lots of ways a woman can make a man feel desired sexually without having actual sex until such time it feels right for both.

I certainly do anyway, none of my boyfriends have ever questioned my desire for them just because we didn't have sex the first night we met.

A woman can be physically affectionate, responsive, enthusiastic, joyous by and in his presence among other things - all this adds to him feeling desired and he knows when it feels right, the sex will happen and will be mind blowing!

He doesn't push, become butt hurt or toss out the "IF you truly desired me" line which can be manipulative in some instances.

It should never be about arbitrary timelines or shyt testing, it's about as you said observing how a man is investing and responding to her (and how she feels about him), how they connect and vibe.... and exceptions aside, often times that can take longer than one date.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So although it was a rapid timeline, there was investment of time, effort and money on his part. All I had to do was say yes. And I did. No games, no BS, no arbitrary endpoints of however many dates....although you could say with 5-6 venue changes, spending different types of time together etc., that we compressed 5-6 dates into that first 48 hours together. I let it ride. I liked him, thought he was hot & smart & slightly nerdy, and I also could read some insecurities in him. I recalled what my player friend had said about wanting to feel desired as a man, and let things unfold.....

I knew he also might percieve me pressing pause as rejection.....and he knew he could find other pretty girls easily, so it was partly on me not to put him off.

I also made him cry unexpectedly during that long first day together, asking gently about something that seemed painful - it was - and that gave me an emotional "in".....

But all that came from my ability to read him really well from the jump.

But this is also an important distinction that need to be made about why so many relationships ultimately fail these days and that's because people try and compress a 3 year relationship into 6 months and it just cannot be done.

Things become too intense, they start feeling off, you cannot possibly learn the things you would about a person over a 6 month period that you would over a 3 year period no matter how much time you spend with them, and it many times ends up causing both people to need to eject after a while.

Some people successfully pull this off. But exceptions don't make the rule and a very very high percentage of people trying that will not end up in a good place with it.

 

[BeExcellent]

@Sega Genesis my response to Billy was not aimed at you. There are many men here who do not have the maturity or social acumen or self value to love themselves, nevermind women.

The dialogue is perhaps instructive for them, which I believe was what @BPH started the thread to explore.

To @BackInTheGame78 I agree with you. My relationship started in an arguably compressed way, but it grew organically as we gained time and experience together. No trying to cram 3 years into 6 mo. Time is necessary to really know another deeply....and there are no shortcuts.