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The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread [Merged]

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I am starting to wonder if my ex is BPD.

-29 yr old. Attractive, divorced.
-Abusive dad and mother didn't give her attention at young age.
-Very low self esteem, and big fear of abandonment - according to her was caused by her ex who cheated on her. She punched him after she found out.
-Easily gets very jealous
-Cheated on me and the other guy thought they were a couple but we were still together then. Blamed me for it! The guy took her back as according to her she didn't cheat on him cos she never slept with me during that time. Being in a LDR, this was a bit hard. I do feel sorry for the guy for what he's gonna get into while I will be nailing other hot girls, he can commit to my left overs.
-expert liar
-financially unstable
-drives recklessly
-likes party and get drunk and wants to experiment with drugs.
-tattoo on her upper back and belly piercing.
-constantly wanted my attention.
-Sex was good and very kinky in bed.
-I tried breaking up with her once, she cried and cried to took me back.
-religious and vegetarian
-loved puppies and almost has an obsession with them.

The relationship started well. I really thought this was it. We seemed to have plenty in common. I changed my phone number so all my FWBs would be out of my life. Slowly, we started having issues and she was always trying to control me. Anytime, I tried to reason with her, it would be all my fault. The only thing, she didn't show any violence towards me. But it was a LDR as well. We saw each other for 6 months only.

I see these issues but I am wondering if labelling this woman with BPD is my way to make myself feel better. She meets the requirements but I hope this is not me making excuses as I need to improve myself as well when the good one comes along.
 

sslevel9000

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I went through absolute emotional HELL with an individual that I totally suspect has BPD. After our NC, I did some reflecting. This female was a really good friend prior to our intimate connection. I just cannot picture that this once good friend would treat a person in a relationship like this. It just didn’t make ANY sense to me! I know this individual is kindhearted through the years that I've known her as a friend. But as a friend, I was not involved in her life daily. We just keep in touch online as we used to party together.

I researched a bit with the information I had on her history and lo and behold. I find these threads about borderline personality disorder. It definitely has a link to her past traumas. From what I know of BPD, the episodes occurs when there is a conflict and certain stressors are triggered. Their logic/rational part of their brain is completely disabled and they are only acting on emotions.

I literally read through 2 of the main threads on this matter in a span of 3 days because I was absolutely emotionally nuts. And I only dated this person for a mere 3-4 months.

I allowed myself to be strung along mainly because she had an illness and needed space (which I truly believe this is truth even though some posters encountered some suspicion with the BDPex stating they had an illness). I went afc and decided to allow her to talk to me when she needed to because of the illness. MISTAKE. So technically this whole rollercoaster lasted about 6 months. First 2 months was cloud nine obviously, last two months, I was effed in the head by the constant push/pull and mixed signals.

First, I'd like to clear something out about some of the posters saying there are some afc's getting their hearts broken and immediately saying their ex is a bpd as a way to lighten their bruise ego. To be honest, I would rather my ex break my heart so i can move the f on than her being a BPD. It is MUCH easier to move on IMO. Suspecting that she has BPD, DOES not help me at all. It just tells me I should have compassion for her because she's just a dysfunctional person. The crap that I went through, literally is so fuct up, she better have BPD. Because sometimes hatred and knowing that they had malicious intentions makes things MUCH easier to just go no contact and say FU. However, I now think she has BPD, but I'm not sure if she knows this about herself.

If she doesn't have BPD: We got played very hard and imo it's much easier to move on from this.
If she does have BPD: Now I actually have compassion for her because it doesn’t look like she'll ever have a lasting relationship and now I'm a bit weaker when she does reach out to me in the future (obviously I plan to be strong though)


I swear, when reading these threads, it literally felt like we all dated the same person. The 4-8 week timeline discussion of honeymoon stages that a poster mentioned literally FREAKED me out. How can it be so similar?!

During the honeymoon stages, when we would drink, she would give subtle vague hints of fear that this may not last long. It's as if she may know she has some kind of intimacy issue. At the time, I thought nothing of it but now reflecting back, I think she knows something is wrong with her.

Here's a brief overview of what I encountered:

-Definitely very sexual

-Extremely Charismatic

-Escalated the intimacy and manipulated me to get me to fall. She said she was falling so hard for me and I reciprocated because it was so intense. We were so addicted to each other. I let my guard down a because of prior friendship – I never do this with new women. Ever.

-After the “falling”, we run into some conflicts about exclusions. She wanted to hold off on being fully committed to each other “to see where it takes us” but is okay with dating exclusively. I completely gave her too much credit thinking that we are adults and that we know how to deal with relationships (this was due to the fact that we were friends prior). . I'm obviously hooked now. But I never set boundaries on whether she can be in contact with ex's. I told her I was uncomfortable with it. She did, cut off the ex's until we had our first real relationship argument.

Here's one that I haven't read about from other posters: When we argue, she only wants to talk it over through TEXT messaging. I try calling, she wont pick up and says she wants to chat through text only. This is an action of an emotional child. There were so many misunderstandings over the text when trying to fix our arguments, I literally wanted to break my phone in half. Ever try resolving an argument with someone with your two thumbs only? Typing a full sentence and then hitting the delete button with your thumb? Don't ever let it happen! It was the most emotionally excruciating thing I ever had to do. I suspect this has something to do with her habit of “running away/distancing” during conflict. Or maintaining distance when something is obviously her fault. I am very good with words and I know she might be fearful of taking a pounding if I were to chat with her on the phone.

-After first argument which was just me setting some boundaries about the way she talks about other guys, she finds a way to reverse it on me. So now instead of resolving that first argument which was really nothing, we're arguing about something else that is apparently my fault now. We never go back to fixing the original argument....

I go no contact for a couple days. She sends message “ILU” few days later then we chat, we apparently resolved it but a week later she starts hinting that there are rivalries now and that her ex's are “contacting” her. The ex's. Triangulation. But says they're just friends...

After that first conflict, there were tons of flaking when we'd plan something. I also suspect a lot of lies but zero evidence. I let the flaking go first couple of times then got annoyed and displayed my disapproval. She comes over and ****s my brains out. While blowing me, she says she can see herself doing this forever. “I really love you so much” etc etc. I can **** you forever. Etc etc. Gets me back on the hook. This cycle repeats itself over and over. Conflict, flakey, space, NC couple days, then a message from her, then ****s my brains out (her body moves like a stripper).

This got to the point where I was like WTF are we doing!? “If you just want to be friends with benefits, just tell me”. Then she goes on to say, no I can't be FWB with someone I love. I see myself marrying you etc etc.

-Tons of future faking. “you're the one” blah blah blah. Sending a lot of mix signals.

Then the cycle continues until one day she asks for space again. Doesn't want me to wait for her because of her illness. Wants me to date others (first time she said this)... etc. WTF? I got so confused, how can someone go through so much with me then just flatlines... It was soo bizarre. For awhile, I thought this space was needed because of the illness. Then there were some indications that she's been seeing her ex again. She wants to be friends. Tries to string me while likely seeing this ex. But I just got tired of it, felt like I wasted 6 months + of my life.

This was a very brief summary of what happened btw. This girl literally fits 8 of 9 symptoms of the BPD disorder diagnostics. The one she didn't fit was the “rage”. It's possible that she does rage but finds a way to hide it by dealing with things through messaging. Then she calms down for a few days then calls. I'm not sure. But I don't think rage is required.

I initiated NC and I am still thinking in my head WTF JUST HAPPENED?

You may think I had a pretty sweet deal with the sex and all but I was really looking for something serious in this whole ordeal and I emotionally invested too much.

FYI, I have never been sunk into this emotional hell before. I'm usually very confident and out going. But now, I feel like my body is trying to readjust itself and dealing with the withdrawal from the emotional roller coaster. Its as if it's trying to neutral out from the prologue period of insane highs and lows. Major confusion. During NC recovery period, one week, I would be angry. Then another week I'd be sad, then happy that im single again, then compassionate (feeling sorry for her). The compassion and sad emotions are times when I want to message her to see how she's doing.

I know the community is tired of this BPD discussion as it's been overly done but I am thankful these threads exist because I now know I was in a battle with a major beast of a woman. I know that I came out alive (not getting her pregnant nor getting any stds).

As another poster said you learn more in 10 months than in 10 years when you encounter someone like this. I totally agree! I also find comfort knowing that there are some talented DJ that got taken down by these types of women. At one point, I really thought I was weak and doubted myself.
 

Shortest Straw

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I'm in a relationship with a moderate BPD. I thought I might be able to add a little bit to the fantastic discussion thus far.

BPDs are a dangerous drug. Perfect analogy. However, if you have a VERY deep level of introspection, you can do the drug and not get addicted nor destroy your life. I have taken a lot of different drugs but by always being honest with myself about what I am doing, I have managed to stay clear of self destruction.

I was in a relationship with a mild BPD. I couldn't quite put a finger on it - we were "partners in crime" yet there was something erratic about her behavior toward me. We tried to do a blended family (I'm a widower) and my obligation toward my kids drew me into her. What followed was three years of subtle agony, and finally I broke it apart and talked her into moving across the country. Walking away from her, it was like a weight was lifted. Astonishingly, afterward she still nurtured hopes we would get back together.

I then encountered someone I immediately recognized to be a more severe BPD sufferer. I didn't yet fully understand the disorder, but one adjective I thought of (and I haven't seen written here or BPDFamily) is "rootless". Rootless, as in lacking roots. There is a vague sense of lack of identity about them. Do you catch them adopting your mannerisms? Is there a vague emptiness or superficiality about them? Add "rootless" to the list.

I persisted. One reason was to manage the relationship like I wish I had managed the prior one. Another was because I simply like the excitement, the stimulation, the challenge. And the ****ing! Holy sin, the fornication! Sitting in a parked car, people in the car next to us, in the front row passenger seat, sodomy galore, and she's coming. Incessantly raw.

How have I kept my sanity? I never let the explicit involvement build. I keep her away from my house, from my kids - I only interact with her in a venue in which I can easily get up and walk away if she starts acting up. I don't want her at my house because I don't want to have to messily evict her in front of my kids. I don't want my neighbors to hear her screeching at me.

If you know that there is no "true" her, you can remind yourself that the good feelings she imparts to you are lies. If her rages are lies, then so is her kindness. One of the easiest ways to avoid getting hooked on cocaine, for example, is to realize that the rush of good feelings is the drug lying to you. It helps to be honest with yourself about the lies you are being told.

So it's stimulating. You have to constantly be on your toes and questioning every single thing she says - or, more to the point, questioning your own response every time.

The most effective way to deal with her is to mirror her. This is an insidious technique, inadvertently lifted from Art of Seduction. Once I understood how she felt inside, I would project those feelings. When she would say that I am evil, for example, I would reply "I can't take it. You're right. I feel so empty inside," followed by, "PLEASE don't leave me!" then followed by "I HATE YOU!"

It is stunningly effective. Not in any lasting way, but by far the quickest way to end her rages was to indirectly reassure her that I was exactly like her.

Try it sometime if you're in a relationship with a BPD girl. It's hilarious to watch. Easier to do via text message, but if you are strong enough, and a good enough actor, you can do it in person.

I alternate between telling her how much I crave her, and helpfully pointing out what is wrong with her. When she says how terrible my constructive criticisms make her feel, I gently remind her how much time and attention I am giving her, and I am doing that because I care. About the only reason I can say this with a straight face is I actually do believe I have helped her come to terms with the conflicting shreds of her personality.

The other thing that has enabled this to work for me is I do a complete end-around on her infidelity leanings. I actively push her to go be with other guys. Truth be told, I am moderately sincere about that, as I've never done a full-on GB (and she has, to a startling mix of satisfaction and shame), but the interesting effect is how it defuses on her end.

I, of course, shove my own polyamory in her face on a regular basis. I leave panties out for her to discover. She likes it.

So if you are weird enough - and a bit of narcissism and sociopathy helps here - you can get yourself a relationship that is weirder than you ever imagined was possible.

If you want her to be exclusive, want a soul mate, want trust, want to be able to let down your guard ... anybody but a BPD. Try to make a normal relationship with her and you will in no time be a shivering emaciated hollow eyed junkie sitting naked on the floor of a filthy dimly lit room with a heroin needle in one arm and cocaine in the other.
 
Last edited:

Dgwizdal

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jophil28 said:
Yes, your relationship with a BPD woman will feel great UNTIL one event triggers 'the change' in her. It is usually some action by you in which she feels abandoned or rejected or discarded.
That moment is the start of the downward spiral into their hateful craziness and unless you know what you are dealing with, and can eject, you will spiral down with her.

I note that unlike in a 'normal' relationship, a difficult moment with a BPD woman can never be successfully resolved. When the relationship is triggered into 'hostile' mode by some real or imagined slight by you, the relationship starts to swing between short periods of peace and short periods of hostility.
It can easily escalate to many "breakup/makeup" repetitions, in which you attempt to stabilize the relationship into some kind of equilibrium, but then she repeatedly destabilizes it again when the ceasefire seems to be holding.
Her need to feel abandoned is now being fed by the breakups, soon to be followed by her need to control you again. This shows in her attempts to re-contact you after a breakup. This moment is when the "poor me" statements gush out of her and she may wistfully recount some of the early exciting moments to hoover you back into her web.
IF she is successful, and you re-establish your connection with her, it is only a short honeymoon until she she endlessly mindfvcks you in a pathetic attempt to assert control and begin inflicting pain again.The tension builds. To her having sex, or withholding sex becomes an opportunity to control you and remind you that she is in charge, so sex become less frequent and less spontaneus and sex problems become frequent ocurrences.

Unless you have your wits about you, and understand who and what you are dealing with, her games will mostly win.
She has played this game many times before.
Wow - absolutely amazing insight as to what im dealing with.
 

expos

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origin138 said:
Yea, they are masters at seducing the vulnerable. The thing is, they aren't doing these things consciously. When a "romantic" connection with a BPD occurs, it's a toxic mix between hero complex/savior mentality and a VERY damaged individual who sees the hero as someone who can meet their endless emotional needs. This is why these types of relationships/flings are so much harder to move past than the average relationship that unravels and fizzles away.

The BPD's entire existence is the continual reliance on others to meet their endless needs and impossible standards. A relationship to them is about sucking the individuality and life force out of the other party. They don't do it on purpose, it's just how they function..there is no self-awareness on their part.

There is only passion in the relationship when she feels she doesn't quite have you in her grasp. The chase is what turns her on and inspires her to fvck like a demon. Once she has you attached, she'll rip you apart until you disappear...then she'll come back and attempt to repeat the process all over again. With her, it's all about constantly reliving abandonment. She draws you in because you're far away, gives you wild passionate sex, then tosses you away until she feels you've drifted too far, then she'll pull you back in again (thank you Bible Belt for coaching me on this).

One other thing about these women, they are the MASTERS of the sh!t test. My BPD ex would pull off more sh!t tests in one night than all other past females I've dated/fvcked did combined.

Check out Sheri Schreiber's articles. I've never seen someone so spot-on about BPD. http://www.gettinbetter.com

She does excellent work.

At the end of the day, you'll never wrap your head around the BPD girl's craziness because normal people don't behave in such paradoxical ways on a consistent basis. She will ALWAYS try to hurt you as you mentioned earlier. She'll call you and say crap like she misses you, then go on to tell you how she had wild sex with some stranger. That's what mind did. She'd tell me how much she missed me and in the same breath tell me about some dude she fvcked in a hot tub over the weekend she "thought was attractive". Absolutely no filter whatsoever.

Figure out what made you fall for this woman and address it fast. There is a gap in your armor somewhere (probably self esteem, equating pain with love, etc that likely started with your mom at an early age) that made you fall for this chick. Do what it takes to become independent of her toxic BS, and move on.

Best of luck man. NO CONTACT.
This is exactly how it is. Realize that everything they do is a complete sham. You are only in her life to please her. You are a vehicle needs and a punching bag for her erratic emotions.
 

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tripod23

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guys iv been took down with all of the above.......fvcking scary how it works........it was my fault to be honest,,,,,i saw things and ignored them .....very foolish on my part.......I had never heard of this bpd stuff until I stumble across things while tapping in google behaviour symtoms.....then bang.............it was like a hammer blow...........I can honestly say it has scared me........I am in my 40s and it has been the worsed time of my life with such a sweet little princess........iv had the hoover attemps......can we spend time together,,,,,,im sorry.......all the same bvll****.......the recycling is so easy to spot now........she came back and contacted me with a made up bvllshyt story and she hooked me good n proper...........tried to make plans she flaked as I new she would.............iv now told her its over........please don't ever contact me again im off..........guys seriously get in tune with the basic signals and please don't be as foolish as iv been because you will live to regret it........not to worry onwards and upwards.........leave them behind and do not answer them at all.........good luck
 

lunyquoum

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продвижение с

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Vulpine

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рай для рекламодателей
Super Seo – активная система раскрутки сайтов и их продвижение! Заказав рекламу у нас, Вы быстро найдете целевую аудиторию для вашего проекта. Легко выведите ваш сайт в топ поисковых систем. Тысячи посетителей устремятся на ваш форум, сайт, блог, страничку в интернете или интернет-магазин. В результате Вы получаете реальных клиентов, увеличение посещаемости и продаж. Вы полностью контролируете процесс и можете вносить изменения на любом этапе раскрутки вашего интернет-ресурса
^^^^ That's some BPD sh¡t if I ever saw it ^^^^


:cuss: to you, too.
 

BorislavSamsonov

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The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread M

The Children of Hurin was released April 17, and hopefully will create the kind of furor that will bring back some of the old gang
And theyre already talking about making a movie or movies of it — PJ, are you sniffing the wind???
 

Infern0

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Shortest Straw said:
I'm in a relationship with a moderate BPD. I thought I might be able to add a little bit to the fantastic discussion thus far.

BPDs are a dangerous drug. Perfect analogy. However, if you have a VERY deep level of introspection, you can do the drug and not get addicted nor destroy your life. I have taken a lot of different drugs but by always being honest with myself about what I am doing, I have managed to stay clear of self destruction.

I was in a relationship with a mild BPD. I couldn't quite put a finger on it - we were "partners in crime" yet there was something erratic about her behavior toward me. We tried to do a blended family (I'm a widower) and my obligation toward my kids drew me into her. What followed was three years of subtle agony, and finally I broke it apart and talked her into moving across the country. Walking away from her, it was like a weight was lifted. Astonishingly, afterward she still nurtured hopes we would get back together.

I then encountered someone I immediately recognized to be a more severe BPD sufferer. I didn't yet fully understand the disorder, but one adjective I thought of (and I haven't seen written here or BPDFamily) is "rootless". Rootless, as in lacking roots. There is a vague sense of lack of identity about them. Do you catch them adopting your mannerisms? Is there a vague emptiness or superficiality about them? Add "rootless" to the list.

I persisted. One reason was to manage the relationship like I wish I had managed the prior one. Another was because I simply like the excitement, the stimulation, the challenge. And the ****ing! Holy sin, the fornication! Sitting in a parked car, people in the car next to us, in the front row passenger seat, sodomy galore, and she's coming. Incessantly raw.

How have I kept my sanity? I never let the explicit involvement build. I keep her away from my house, from my kids - I only interact with her in a venue in which I can easily get up and walk away if she starts acting up. I don't want her at my house because I don't want to have to messily evict her in front of my kids. I don't want my neighbors to hear her screeching at me.

If you know that there is no "true" her, you can remind yourself that the good feelings she imparts to you are lies. If her rages are lies, then so is her kindness. One of the easiest ways to avoid getting hooked on cocaine, for example, is to realize that the rush of good feelings is the drug lying to you. It helps to be honest with yourself about the lies you are being told.

So it's stimulating. You have to constantly be on your toes and questioning every single thing she says - or, more to the point, questioning your own response every time.

The most effective way to deal with her is to mirror her. This is an insidious technique, inadvertently lifted from Art of Seduction. Once I understood how she felt inside, I would project those feelings. When she would say that I am evil, for example, I would reply "I can't take it. You're right. I feel so empty inside," followed by, "PLEASE don't leave me!" then followed by "I HATE YOU!"

It is stunningly effective. Not in any lasting way, but by far the quickest way to end her rages was to indirectly reassure her that I was exactly like her.

Try it sometime if you're in a relationship with a BPD girl. It's hilarious to watch. Easier to do via text message, but if you are strong enough, and a good enough actor, you can do it in person.

I alternate between telling her how much I crave her, and helpfully pointing out what is wrong with her. When she says how terrible my constructive criticisms make her feel, I gently remind her how much time and attention I am giving her, and I am doing that because I care. About the only reason I can say this with a straight face is I actually do believe I have helped her come to terms with the conflicting shreds of her personality.

The other thing that has enabled this to work for me is I do a complete end-around on her infidelity leanings. I actively push her to go be with other guys. Truth be told, I am moderately sincere about that, as I've never done a full-on GB (and she has, to a startling mix of satisfaction and shame), but the interesting effect is how it defuses on her end.

I, of course, shove my own polyamory in her face on a regular basis. I leave panties out for her to discover. She likes it.

So if you are weird enough - and a bit of narcissism and sociopathy helps here - you can get yourself a relationship that is weirder than you ever imagined was possible.

If you want her to be exclusive, want a soul mate, want trust, want to be able to let down your guard ... anybody but a BPD. Try to make a normal relationship with her and you will in no time be a shivering emaciated hollow eyed junkie sitting naked on the floor of a filthy dimly lit room with a heroin needle in one arm and cocaine in the other.
I know they say these bpd stories are all the same, but this one freaked me out.

During one of our recycles I fvked my bpd in the ass in the passenger seat of her car.....
 

HariPoter13

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What if you're BPD yourself?


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...he-faces-male-borderline-personality-disorder

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-almost-effect/201405/men-borderline-personality-disorder

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...erline-personality-disorder-being-second-best



BPD is something which is hugely misdiagnosed in males because the symptoms are quite different than in females. If you got involved with a BPD female, you must ask yourself what exactly drew you to her; what's wrong with you that you are attracted to such individuals.

Supposedly half of the male prison population has ASPD, a third has BPD, and sociopathy is at the third place with only 3%.
 

learn

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Mauser96 said:
Good question Here are some possibilities:


Lonely
Desperate for a relationship
Gullible
Naive
People -pleaser.....
the list goes on. You don't have to have something wrong with you to have one of these predators target you. You just have to be one of the things I listed, and most importantly, NOT be familiar with disorders like this.

A BPD stung me, due to me being "unaware" of these predators. It will never happen again - I can smell those manipulating sneaky *****es for miles away now.

BPD's latch on to betas like Mauser96
 

exhausted

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This is exactly how it is. Realize that everything they do is a complete sham. You are only in her life to please her. You are a vehicle needs and a punching bag for her erratic emotions.
This is SO true it is scary.
I got in trouble because I was gonna hit the gym on my way to her house for 30 mins (i super set the **** out of everything at the gym) even though I was gonna spend the entire evening with her. When she began bitching about not coming over earlier I told her that I worked, got off work and then was gonna cook dinner and finish work notes while it cooked. She never offered to make me dinner but when I was on my way out the door she cancelled the entire evening on me. Also going as far to put me down I could have eaten dinner over there, when i responded no one invited me so I expected to make my own she only got MORE mad at me and began the mouth of terror of complaints, put downs and exaggerated drama. My response calm calm calm of hey its thirty mins and i will be right over. Nope, more anger more mouth so I hung up on her telling her she is not gonna put me down anymore. did not hear from her for the night or next day till early evening, she messaged me a smartass "hey gonna eat and hit the mall thought I would see if you could spare ten mins but you are prob busy with the gym all day" . I dont respond, i get another message saying "no worries i found someone else to go to the mall with" i find this mean and hurtful so i dont responds, so i get a phone call i ignore and then an immediate message saying she is erasing my number and to have a good life hahah". i find this mean and immature as usual and dont respond. The mouth and temper on this girl are of a five year old spoiled brat. She can NOT understand that reaching out to me with put downs, smart ass comments and an attitude did not get my response, she she continues to be more mean....is she stupid?
Bipolar
 

macallik

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I find it disappointing that so many men in this thread are
  1. Dating sh!tty, crazy chicks without screening them
  2. Engaging in this circle-jerk thread
 

Fela Kuti

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So my BPD GF (I know) just went completely silent after almost a month of push/pull crap. By silent I mean she hasn't replied to my last text for a few days. This is new from her as usually she kept maintaining contact even at her worst. I'm starting to think that this is it, she's ghosting me. It's fine with me if she wants to leave, but a proper breakup would be nice. Is that too much of a thing to ask from a pwBPD? Maybe face-to-face breakup is too overwhelming for most of them?

Do you think I should ask for her confirmation that it's indeed over? I just don't want to be moving on, talking to girls, only to have her find out and accuse me of cheating.
 

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Henri Incognito

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Unable to bounce back after a BPD relationship.

It's been about six months since the relationship with my BPD ex-girlfriend ended.

Now, before anyone accuses my of crying wolf I will add that this girl had told me that she was "bipolar" (hell, at the time I just thought that she'd get a wee bit moody from time to time, I didn't know any better), my relationship story follows the exact same pattern as every other BPD relationship story, so I'll spare you the details, I've had to see two psychologists due to depression in the wake of the relationship and they both concurred that, given what I'd told them, she showed clear signs of a Cluster B type personality disorder and finally I'll add that she's been re-blogging / liking Cluster B related posts on her private blog.

I'm way past the disbelief stage and I was able to resist her hoover attempts, but I still as if I'm stuck in some sort of negative feedback loop.

I can't seem to let it go. I find myself missing the person I thought she was, the person she made herself out to be, the mirror image of myself. I've gone on dates since her, but the lack of intense instant chemistry leaves me dissatisfied, I long for that initial idealization phase rush. I've slept with other girls since, but they can't even compare to her, the things she did are etched in to my retina and my mind, the way she satisfied every sexual urge.

It's as if something within me is broken.

I'm angry at how she refuses to acknowledge the ****ty things the did (she refuses to take any responsibility for her actions, in some cases she outright denies things she did), I'm angry at the way she used my love and my compassion against me.

Her attempts to make me look like the fvcked up one (projection, distorting reality and all that) doesn't bother me too much, since we don't share the same social circle.

But most of all I'm furious at myself for allowing any of this happen, I should've ejected the first time my gut was going berserk. I feel angry at how I to some extent let her neurosis alter my perception of reality. I feel ashamed over the huge beta backslide I suffered towards the end, but then again she had her hooks deep in me and I had been cut off from all other options by that time.

I feel as if I must have some form closure, the one thing I can't get.

How do I get out of this? No other woman has had this effect on me, ever. It all has gotten way the past of the point of ridiculous. If someone could just please offer me some guidance, some help as to what to do.

English isn't my native language so I apologize for any mistakes.
 
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Polysix

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Hey Henri Incognito, believe me, I know exactly how you feel and many others do here. I´d like to share some thoughts, some insights I read over this and other forums, that might help you to get out of this most painfull and seemingly hopeless one-it-is.
English isn´t my native language too, so there will be some mistakes in here but I won´t apologize, because just I don´t care...

The trick for me was to make peace with myself and with her.

My BPD-romance ended also about half a year ago. And even after my 10 years LTR breakup some years ago, I didn´t feel that pain in oneitis, but there is hope, not for your BPD-Ex but for you.

My experience was some kind of double-oneitis.

Half a year ago our rs ended because I refused to commit on her, I realized all the cheating, she wanted to use her magic-***** afterwards once more to bond me, but I lucky-me I could resist, even It was the mind blowing sex with her.

oneitis 1 felt kind of if I was sucked in her crazy mind but somehow I got over it in about a month or so, but than I made a big mistake:

I thought maybe we could just be friends, maybe with some benefits. No problem with my sane Ex-gf, but not possible with the sweat Poisen-Ivy. I somehow developed some feelings for her again, although we only texted, forgot all the drama and pain she did to me and once again felt in love with an illusion for the second time with this girl. Even more painfull than the first one, worst oneitis ever!!!


Beforehand two things that helped me.

1. First of all I think if you got an oneits from a sane woman, you brain**** yourself, it´s all your projection into the girl. But you´ve got a kind of BPD-Oneitis it´s on a different Level, and not your fault, more like a projected or inoculated oneitis from the bpd-girl. Let me explain, because of the disorder of the brain, they can´t feel joy like sane people, they feel joy when others suffer in pain, as you do know. So stop it! BPDs have no sense of empathy, if they would feel the emotional pain they did to their past lovers once, I think they would die immediately.

2. It´s all projection. They project their own shortcomings self-loathing into you.

Unable to bounce back after a BPD relationship.

It's been about six months since the relationship with my BPD ex-girlfriend ended.

Now, before anyone accuses my of crying wolf I will add that this girl had told me that she was "bipolar" (hell, at the time I just thought that she'd get a wee bit moody from time to time, I didn't know any better), my relationship story follows the exact same pattern as every other BPD relationship story, so I'll spare you the details, I've had to see two psychologists due to depression in the wake of the relationship and they both concurred that, given what I'd told them, she showed clear signs of a Cluster B type personality disorder and finally I'll add that she's been re-blogging / liking Cluster B related posts on her private blog.
I'm way past the disbelief stage and I was able to resist her hoover attempts, but I still as if I'm stuck in some sort of negative feedback loop.

I can't seem to let it go. I find myself missing the person I thought she was, the person she made herself out to be, the mirror image of myself.
I've gone on dates since her, but the lack of intense instant chemistry leaves me dissatisfied, I long for that initial idealization phase rush. I've slept with other girls since, but they can't even compare to her, the things she did are etched in to my retina and my mind, the way she satisfied every sexual urge.
my thesis:
it´s the inoculated oneitis from her, because of her disorder in her brain she feels joy, when you suffer, because she knows it, even if you have NoContact, it´s creepy I know, but you decide, how long you want to suffer.

It's as if something within me is broken.
co-sign, but time and NC will heal these wounds

she refuses to acknowledge the ****ty things the did (she refuses to take any responsibility for her actions, in some cases she outright denies things she did),
part of the disorder, nothing to change.
I'm angry at the way she used my love and my compassion against me.
She doesn´t know love as you do, she never learned it because of her childhood issues.
It´s really sad she does not know love and never will, she only knows infantuation.

Her attempts to make me look like the fvcked up one (projection, distorting reality and all that) doesn't bother me too much,
In fact, it does bother you.
See below:
But most of all I'm furious at myself for allowing any of this happen, I should've ejected the first time my gut was going berserk. I feel angry at how I to some extent let her neurosis alter my perception of reality. I feel ashamed over the huge beta backslide I suffered towards the end, but then again she had her hooks deep in me and I had been cut off from all other options by that time.
Just the same with my BPD Ex, she turned it like she rejected me and I was still loving her and it was all my fault with some of the most devilish ****-tests I´ve ever got from a woman and I had no chance to pass them. BPDs are the Master-Manipulators.
Until I realised:
- She had to abadon me, not the other way, it is part of the disease.
- It was just my EGO (she doesn´t even have an EGO or at least only a fragile one) that was hurt being rejected by her, nothing more and if you got over it like man i.e. by meditating. Try to practise to let go of your EGO.
- BPD´s always have to win, like a little 3 year old child, not realising that they are the lost ones, they are poor slaves of a moment.
- Within my second Oneitis realised I wasn´t so sad, because I still loved her, no, it was because I realised that she is so broken, and there is nothing I could do to help her, she doesn´t want to be save anyway. It´s the remaining part of your Knight in shining Armor, that she wanted me to be in the beginning of our relationship.
- what helped me, is to realise she is the lost one, not me.
- again just projection of her shame and guilt, she just can´t take it, it is part of the disease, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

I feel as if I must have some form closure, the one thing I can't get.
You won´t get closure from her, never. You have to me a closure for yourself and for her. Why? She can´t take responsibility of her actions, nor remorse.
Just forgive her, forgive yourself.
Meditate, this worked best for me.
BigNeil posted something here, which helped me alot:
"Hurt people hurt people"
so true, meaning she does it, even if she didn´t want to, it´s subconscious, nobody can change that.

How do I get out of this? No other woman has had this effect on me, ever. It all has gotten way the past of the point of ridiculous. If someone could just please offer me some guidance, some help as to what to do.
Mirroring and projection happens in both directions, she unconsciously showed you your own shortcomings.
For me it was i.e. fear of loss (big one), not being able to set boundaries especially towards woman, being a nice guy and many more.

Some advises for you:
Write down all all your shortcomings she unconsciously showed you and use this unique and wonderfull chance in life to work on them, one after the other. Because it is, what you wanted from her, give it to yourself.
It´s sad that she will never be able to love herself or others,
the pain you still feel Henri is her self-loathing being projected into you.
But you can practise self-love.
You´ve done nothing wrong!
It´s not your fault, it´s not her fault or anybody´s fault, it´s just this ****ed up disease.
Forgive yourself and forgive her and let go.

But don´t waste your valuable life-time and energy trying to solve an unsolvable riddle!
 
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Polysix

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Some positive things I learned from the bpd-girl even during the relationsship, although BPDs are more takers than givers:
- Sex: You need at least to persons to have sex, so we both learned from eachother, we both expanded our skills.
- Always use condoms, as BPDs are pathological liars (nothing to blame them for), but you never know...
- I became a better liar myself. ;)
- She is a natural seducer, much to learn from.
- Live by your own rules.
- I love women with tattoos.
- I got much better access to my own emotions, especially those that were surpressed before I met her.
and some more things
 
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Henri Incognito

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Polysix,

It feels reassuring knowing that I'm not alone in this type of experience, however messed up it is.

I can't help feeling like such a fvcking fool. Knowing what I know now, the signs were all there, even in the very beginning. It was as if 10 years worth of experiences, "Red Pill" practice and reason went straight out the window as soon as the infatuation and the oneitis got a hold of me.

For God's sake, she explicitly told (and did) me things in the beginning that in hindsight were very alarming. But needless to say, I brushed it all of as age related quirks.

A few of the things she said in the early to mid stages:

"I absorb the personality of the person I like."

"I think I'm a very good actress."

"Promise me that you'll never leave me."

"You're perfect, you're absolutely perfect for me."

"If you did that to me, I would probably kill myself."

Some of the things she did:

Worshipped me like I was the Second Coming.

She'd grown up without her father and her mother was a bit messed up. This lead to me assuming the role of a surrogate father, in addition to already being a lover.

She would call me "daddy" during sex. Huge red flag, I know.

Her victim mentality showed early on when she began telling me the things that'd happened to her in the past. Surprise, surprise, she was never at fault.

The first of her many freak outs happened early on, i.e. crying uncontrollably, going on tirades, literally throwing my stuff out the window and whatnot. I mean, that first time should've been enough for me to eject had I been in a rational and objective mindset. But it came out of nowhere, it was a bit like strolling down the street minding your own business and to suddenly, out of the blue, have someone punch you.

She always expected me to be a mind reader, she would get upset, go cold unexpectedly, etc. but she'd never communicate, instant stonewalling all the time. She directed her rage inwards and acted out in a passive aggressive manner.

Violating my privacy by logging on to my social media accounts. This too early on.

Paranoia, accusations of cheating.

She told me she loved me, gave me the whole soulmate speech and planned moving in way too early on. After only three weeks together she surprised me with two tickets to go see an act I'd mentioned that I like, the concert wouldn't be held until six months after the purchase. Luckily I kept sidestepping the moving in thing.

In the beginning she insisted on showering me with gifts, to the point that it made me uncomfortable. She was close to buying me a 1000€ gift had I not stopped her.

Her food and drink habits. She'd go without eating anything but kale, cucumber and tomatoes for weeks only to suddenly start binge eating junk food. The same with alcohol, days or weeks without having a single drop only to suddenly one night get so drunk that ended up she hurting herself physically. Last I heard from her drugs had started to enter the picture.

So, yeah, very impulsive in all aspects.

I think I only got about three or four half-assed apologies from her, all followed by some ridiculous rationalizing intended to shift the blame on to me.

And then we had the smear campaign directed towards past dudes. Funny thing is, in hindsight she attributed / projected her own messed up characteristics on to them. She told me one of them had died recently, but she was stone fvcking cold about it.

Even the little things that some have mentioned she did / had, there was always some physical ailment bothering her (she was on pain killers all the time), she firmly believed in ghosts and spirits, she never worked a job longer than three to four months before she quit (she could also have been fired, what do I know) due to some messed up drama with co-workers or her boss trying to get with her.

I know that it's a riddle I cannot solve. But lately I've find myself wondering... Did I ever really know her? I mean, I know how she operates, but did I truly ever know her? To what extent did she lie? I began catching her in her lies towards the end, but how deep did all the lies go? How elaborate were they?

This whole experience has made me question my own self-image. Up until her I was convinced that I had eradicated every single beta fiber in my body. I thought that I knew my stuff, that I had it all together. I know that the disease is the main culprit in all of this, but I can't stop blaming myself for staying on the rollercoaster for as long as I did. Although I know that the reason for me doing so lies back in my childhood / early teens, I still shouldn't have.

I think that that when the meltdown finally happened, something within me died with it. I think that the last of my childhood naïvety, a part of my core desperately clinging on to the idea of a soulmate and unconditional love was eradicated in the process. For better or for worse.
 

Carpathian

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My first post in this forum after being a long timer watcher and viewer of some of the excellent threads on here that have helped me no end.

I am day 53 into 100% NC from my ex. We are the same age 48 - both fit and attractive. We were loving and committed and had a great time whilst we were together for two years. However, during those two years we had two break ups of a month each time. She started to get distant both times a week before the dumping for no reason I could see - completely out of the blue. I'm very aware of my actions and if I fvcked up I would say here guys, but I didn't. I loved her kids and mom. Her and her kids loved me and my kids and family. Everything superb and wonderful. I was helpful, kind, affectionate and generous to her. I was not a doormat. We had great sex, orgasms, BJ’s etc to the very end but she just bailed out of the relationship completely out of the blue when things were perfect. No explanations. Just dumped. After some time apart she’d apologize crying, telling me she was silly how could she let a man of my quality just go like that. Begged for forgiveness. Eventually, after she promised to change, we gravitated back together and things were great again.

She did this a third time end of April. Text dumped me again AS A 48 YEAR OLD!!!!! Not the maturity to discuss it with me. I told her to fvck off and leave me alone and I threw some of the romantic cards she had given me back though her letterbox in tears. I wrote her an email two days after, explaining my position (in the absence of getting an opportunity to put my thoughts forward) but she emailed back saying she will not read it and she would appreciate no further contact. I told her that was rich coming from her after it was HER who kept reaching out to me!

So 53 days in. She lives a mile from me and I have seen her a couple of times at a distance and it put me back for the day. She has not reached out to me and I am sure as heck not going to reach out to her. Yet, I feel somehow she will. She knows how good I was to her, she told me that so many times. Her son texted me the other night saying he saw me out running and hoped I didn’t think he blanked me (I never saw him!) because he and his wife and daughter liked me a lot he said. He said nothing else than that just some chit chat about biking. He sees his mother (my ex) two or three times a week as they are very close. Could they be putting out feelers I wonder? Did my ex put him up to it to try and steadily break the ice?

Don’t mean to sound silly but I am confident, I am good looking, have a successful career, make a lot of money I am fit and look good and I am not desperate. I have been dating other women though not hooked up with any as yet even though a few of them fancied me big time. I confess to still having very strong feelings towards my ex, despite the treatment at the hands of her; I've never known things to be so good when they were UP. We were just so amazing.

She was prescribed Prozac for depression by her doctor but never took it last year. Makes me think she has Borderline PD - it seems to fit - the sudden changes in behavior.

Anyway, these issues are live and well with people who are older. I will never reach out to her. If she contacts me I would listen objectively to what she says.

What do you guys think? Encourage me or kick some sense into me!!! Thanks for reading.
 
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