The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread [Merged]

metoo

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US women are seriously screwed up, that's a fact. Between daddy, boyfriends,their kids, and their husbands, they have so much baggage that you are nuts to have anything to do with them, basically.
 

metoo

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Most are fat, arrogant, lazy, incapable of supporting themselves, really, and the rest have so many hound dogs hanging around them that you are foolish to bother with them. Go overseas for women who don't smoke, don't drink, are young, pretty, and over which you have the deportation "club" for 5 years. Repeat as desired, once every 5 years.
 

5string

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Blue Phoenix said:
Maybe a lot of people realised they were deceived by such women?

Mary Richardson Kennedy and the fate of BPDs:
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/06/11/the-new-face-of-borderline-personality-disorder-mary-richardson-kennedy-abused-her-husband-and-children-and-committed-suicide-as-a-final-act-of-revenge-for-perceived-abandonment/

Think thrice before fooling with these types. This is a public case study of the effects of this disorder. That´s not funny. :down:
Maybe it's because one BPD can go through dozens if not hundreds of guys and fvck them up.

It's the psychological law of large numbers. Be ever watchful brothers.
 

Mauser96

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Bump...too good of a thread.
 

Blue Phoenix

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Many are struggling

5string said:
It's intersesting to note that this thread has had over 40,000 hits. I wonder why that is?
That´s why. This may serve as a wake up call to all of us. I might be getting crazy, but sometimes the thought of past troubled women come to my mind (for some strange reason), and I remember this awesome post from xdude:

For a healthy NON, I believe that friendship, and love are not simply feelings, but actions over the long term. The strong feelings come later.

One of the reasons why the definition of HPD includes "believing relationships to be more intimate than they really are' is that a healthy NON doesn't feel friendship/love upon first meeting someone, nor the second, not necessarily for many weeks, months or longer of knowing someone. Acquaintances are just acquaintances. To see other as a friend, or even greater still, as a lover, takes time.

Friends/lovers are people they've come to trust because of how they're treated over long periods of time, and likewise, how they treat the other person. It's not an entitlement to have someone else' love us. Nor is love a gift that we dole out to others, because we're so special that they should feel lucky that we love them.

Friendship/love is a two-way exchange in which both people are mutually benefiting from a care, concern, and interest in each other. Demonstrated by how they treat each other, not how they feel about each other. Because it's more than just a feeling, because their relationship is based on actions shown to each other over and over, the feelings are shown to have depth, to be something special, something that doesn't fall apart easily.

A healthy NON likely perceives an instant unconditional love as a fantasy, fragile, a dream in someone's head, quickly created, then just as quickly broken. Because emotions for others based on nothing, no real history, no commitment to each other, no building of trust, are just that, emotions. Emotions based on no real history are easily blown this way or that.

For all of us, including NONs, the only emotions we feel are our own. If we're empathetic, we can understand another person's emotions intellectually, maybe even sympathetically feel some of what they feel, but for the most part, the depth of another person's emotions belong to them, and have no magic power over anyone else. The only person who really feels the depth is the person who feels it, but others are for the most part only intimately experience their own feelings. I can give an analogy -

If you've ever seen someone with a broken bone after an accident, it may have invoked some sympathetic feelings within you. If it's someone you loved, maybe it even invoked intense pain to see them hurt, a fear you might lose them, and more. If you've ever been someone with a broken bone after an accident, odds are you're mind was overwhelmed in agonizing pain. Perhaps so much pain you felt you were going to pass-out, or die. Thoughts of being incapacitated for the rest of your life may run through your head, and more. A pain others just don't feel.

We can understand others pain to some degree, but we really only feel the depth of our own. What I'm saying is that the depth's of another person's emotions means less to most people than what really does effect them. The stability of another person's emotions towards them, and that stability is something that must be proven, demonstrated, but how they're treated over the long run. So yes, as someone with HPD you may feel greater depth of love when you feel it, but others show them love by how they treat them, over the long run, the depth of feeling comes later.

That all written, most of the NONs here are here because we've confused the two. Had such a strong desire to feel depth of love, that we put our blinders on, skipped over the part of the relationship where trust is built, and then no surprise, easy-come, easy-go. The depth of feeling is addictive... The fantasy that was so quickly built, eventually collapses under what it was all along. Strong emotions, but emotions founded on fantasy idealizations rather than on anything substantial (e.g., commitment, reliability, trustworthiness, love that doesn't go on/off over any small disagreement, etc).
Falling in love quickly can be really addictive, so if you want to go ahead with it, at least know where you´re heading towards, and don´t complain about it. Knowing this is sad because we prefer to believe the fantasy, but it´s a choice you have to make...
 

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Blue Phoenix

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What kind of person do you want with you?

In some cases, people fall in love with the assets others have, at least for a time. And yes it is very possible to try very hard to impress/please others, and draw them in. So why do people abandon others despite all of that?

I don't think there is any one reason, but I will say this:

Not everyone is capable of emotional involvement beyond the love of assets, but unfortunately, many people have assets and so for someone who loves assets, they may grow bored and seek new assets, or lose interest if an asset dries up. For others, they're not capable of love so much as they love the thrill of seducing someone new, and then once done, grow bored and seek a new thrill with someone else, over and over again.

For others, they may fall in love so easily, so quickly, especially for someone with assets, that for whatever reasons it seems many people cannot love someone who falls for others so easily. If it was a child, or a puppy, yes we could, but we seek something else from another adult. A relationship with an equal, who could make us stronger too. Someone whose heart is not easily won, who is not easily emotionally swayed, is hopefully not easily lost too.

I could write more, but the point is there are many reasons why two people can meet, a person's assets could attract others, and then still the relationship fails. Some people though are capable of a love that goes beyond their attraction to assets, however what can be confusing is this -

Ideally we'd all like to meet someone we really love, plus have the assets that attract us (whether that is wealth, beauty, fame, power, whatever). When we're out dating, looking, uninvolved, lacking any other real understanding of another person, it makes sense that even people who seek love, are first attracted to assets, hoping that maybe a relationship will develop in which there is love, and the assets they desire. Ideally anyway.

For someone who can really love, someone whose heart is not easily won, someone who can feel and behave in a way that is deeply committed to another, assets alone cannot fulfill them. Assets still attract them, but assets alone cannot keep them involved indefinitely. What do these types seek? They seek someone else whose heart is also not easily won, who is not easily swayed.

They seek a relationship in which being around their lover makes them feel GOOD about themselves, better than they feel alone, makes them feel stronger, makes their self-esteem soar, and they seek someone who makes them feel that way most of the time, ideally all the time.

They seek someone else they can trust, feel secure with. That they can go to sleep with and know they are safe. Someone they can leave on a business trip over night, or go to work for 8hrs, or leave for 5 minutes, without worry that their partner's emotions will be flighty and go poof, off emotionally, or sexually, or physically involved with someone else.

They seek peace in their own home, because there is enough chaos and drama in the rest of the world around them. Peace with one other special person. They seek all of that, and they seek someone who is capable of giving it over the long run, and in return, they want to do the same, to protect that person because that kind of person leaves them feeling something that is impossible to feel alone. A mutual love.

And all the assets in the world, no matter one's looks, wealth, fame, talents, whatever, though they remain attractors, cannot fulfill what they really seek. The attractors are the ornaments on the the Christmas tree, but they're not the tree, the core foundation that some people really desire the most.

Perhaps that is also what those with HPD really seek as well, but the reality is, for those who seek that kind of relationship, what goes beyond the attractors, it's impossible for them to give that to another indefinitely if the same is not returned. Even emotionally healthy NONs ultimately are in it for themselves too, the want to be happy, and to be happy like that, they need a partner who is capable of giving them what they also truly seek, a committed, safe, love that goes beyond the things that outwardly attract us. A relationship where their self-esteem is bolstered too. And a relationship in which all of those feelings, and the mutual care they treat each other with, don't go poof the moment some other person walks into view.

Even people who are capable of such love, eventually give up, abandon, if what they seek is not returned, no matter the person's other assets, what they really desire goes beyond looks, wealth, fame, talent.
By xdude.
 

Danger

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Danger said:
Adam Lanza.....

With borderline personality disorder.
Sorry mate - Nothing I've yet seen or read about Lanza even remotely suggests he suffered from BPD to me. Certain other PDs, maybe but not Borderline.
 

nooneyouknow

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Hello all,

I inadvertently started a new thread a few days ago on my relationship with a BPD. Is there anyway the thread can be incorporated into this one?
 

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Holy hell, you guys, I just finally got out of the most insane, crazy, messed up relationship with my BPD ex-girlfriend.

I posted my story on BPDFamily, you can check it out over there as it's quite long. I'd LOVE to get some opinions from here.

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

It's got over 1000 views, so a lot of people have been reading it. Pretty wild stuff.
 

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Danger said:


BPD is one of a range of PDs, I think I made that clear enough, so don't try to put words in my mouth! :rolleyes:

Self-mutilation is a symptom common to several PDs, not BPD alone - and TBH, it is often completely absent in favour of other forms of self harm where BPD is concerned. You need a great deal more indicators/symptoms than that before BPD even becomes a possibility.

It is also quite possible for some PDs to be co-morbid with another.

However the major argument that I see against Lanza having BPD is his highly unsocial nature and progressive withdrawal from all forms of social interaction since childhood and eventually the ultimate avoidance of any kind of relationship whatsoever with another human being - even his mother/closest family by the end of it. That is about as un-BPD as you can possibly get but it is indicated in other PDs - notably Avoidant, Antisocial, Obsessive-Compulsive and even Schitzoid.

However I feel that we are dealing with a much more serious mental illness in Lanza's case. Possibly greatly aggravated by his being somewhere on the ASD scale.

If you are so desperate to attribute BPD to someone in this, IMO there is currently slightly more evidence to suggest his mother might have been the BPD here as there are a number of reports that might be indicative of BPD-traits/behaviours and yes, the children of BPDs do seem to be more prone to certain types of unsocial/antisocial issues as a result of their experience.
 

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I just stumbled across this forum when searching for BPD/NPD. The more I read about this disorder/s the more shattered I am. As if I could be anymore shattered after the 2 1/2 year-long experience with my fiance.

Having read the last 15 pages as well as all the pages in the "How to get rid of a BPD woman" thread on this site, I am utterly astonished, sickened, and saddened, by the similarities on display with a huge number of these BPD cases. It's as if all women have this frailty and/or issue existing (dormant) inside them that just needs the wrong set of circumstances or upbringing to create one of these creatures. There is no other plausible explanation. Else how else can so many women be like this? :confused: Its almost like there is something inside women in particular that predisposes them to Cluster-B personality disorders, given just the wrong catalyst during their formative years. Be it lack of sufficient parental love, neglect, abuse, or abandonment / perceived abandonment, or whatever. It is heart-rending to read more and more about how many lives can be turned upside down and/or destroyed because of these disorders. :(

I am positive there have to be cases where guys, even strong ones, have resorted to taking their own life as a direct / indirect result of being chewed up by a Cluster-B or BPD woman. I know this, because I survived one of these. I very nearly didn't. I thank whatever lucky stars I had that I made it through to the other side and am on the way to healing from what I went through with the one I loved more than anyone before her. I am positive some who went through what I did have not been so lucky. Not because they were weak, but because these Cluster-B creatures have a way of taking even the strong ones among us and grinding them down and shattering their entire self-belief system until they are a shell of the person they use to be.

I have been and lived through far worse than I estimate 75-90% of the stories I have read on the internet on forums such as these, even on forums dedicated to these mental disorders, some of the accounts have not really come close. I truly am astonished that a person can be for an entire year, the most loving kind giving person one could hope to meet, and after that turn on a coin to become a wantonly sadistic, mean spirited, utterly gratuitously nasty person you ever had the misfortune to come across.

I believe a lot of these stories here are definitely BPD. Compared to what I lived through they would classify as perhaps (relatively) mild. Mine was not only a borderline but had full-blown waif-like BPD and NPD comorbid with ASpD traits. Trust me, the very fact I am alive and did not end up taking my own life through utter despair and heartbreak is a small miracle that I give thanks for on most days even a year later. That does not mean I don't have my problems that linger as a result of what I went through. Adrenal Fatigue / Burnout being one of them, caused by excessive exposure to long-term stress.

For the purpose of not rewriting what I have already written elsewhere, I am going to simply post a link to my story: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1394440&postcount=43

The link to the page in context of the thread is here: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=126555&page=3

Some may not believe that the story is true - but I assure every word is true and accurate. I have even left things out I am sure, as it is impossible to remember everything that went on in two and a half years. Those are just most of the worst things that I can remember. Bearing in mind I suffered with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) which I believe I have more or less recovered from (a year later) but I still suffer with the Adrenal Burnout, which I am told takes fully 18 months to 2 years to fully recover from. I am taking things day by day knowing that the road may be long to recovery, but that when I come out the other side I will be a stronger person who will never again tolerate the worst from someone in the name of 'Love'.

I know there will be a few here who will assign to me the term "AFC", personally I don't believe that would be accurate. Who knows, perhaps just maybe I did have a couple AFC traits. I have dated quite a number of females, am tall, good-looking, have a good job/career, am well-liked by most people, and for 20+ years have been right at the top of a certain sport in the country and continent I live. This has brought me fame and spoils, not along the lines of a top world athlete, but I am well-respected and recognized in the sporting arena. I therefore have not had any issues with confidence or lack of it, with women or otherwise. But for some reason this woman cast me under some kind of spell, she captured me so completely and totally that once I was snared I was hers, and looking back, I am sure deep down she knew it. :yes:

In reality I am utterly disappointed in her, at how callous she could be, how she could trash what we had together, all our plans for the future, and heap so much pain and destructive behavior on the one she claimed to love more than anyone before me. I guess I will never really understand it. And I have read tons of information in books, on the internet, I even had to go see a psychologist as a result to try to get my mind around what happened.

The main thing I just want to say is this: I see in this thread there are those who think they can 'play' with these women as a kind of 'tit-for-tat' game or 'play' them at their own game. I would advise against that in the EXTREME. Take it from someone who has been through some of the the worst that female Cluster-B disorders has to offer: If you know or suspect that the woman in your life has this/these disorders or even has these traits, don't waste time in trying to heal/fix/help / play them at their own game and/or get them back for what they are or what they did to you. Just LEAVE. Turn the other way, and don't look back. In effect, RUN for your life, and if not for your life, for your sanity. Your life is too valuable to waste spending it with, or within a mile of one of these creatures. Take it from someone who knows: They are better at this, smarter, more cunning, more treacherous than you, think or believe what you want about being more clever than them. They have likely been the way they are since childhood and learned these behaviors as a primitive survival mechanism or instinct. These behaviors are primitive, primal even, driven at the very core of their being.


continued in next post /...
 

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The following quoted posts from an earlier page in this thread, and the page where I posted my story, illustrates perfectly how these creatures operate and how (and why) they can nearly destroy you:

countermart said:
Horaholic and KontrollerX know, because until you have been there you cannot understand. For me my BPD gave me the highest highs and the lowest lows. Think of everything you ever wanted in a girl, highly intelligent, fun, gorgeous, exciting, wide interests, activity, high-level professional, great sex, and seemingly madly in love with you. For me at least, some of the greatest moments of my life were spent with her....and the worst!

It is I think, a great fear of the person having been mixed up with a BPD girl, that all of her affection and love was perhaps just an illusion.

That understanding alone can become very destabilising in your life, because you begin to question what is real. This reinforced by the fact that you cannot find the same kind of “experience high” in any other girl you meet.

What if I told you everything you believed in was an illusion. Your parents and family don’t love you, if you are religious there is no god etc. It is like the impact of modern culture on an isolated indigenous culture, the indigenous culture falls apart because its historic structural belief system has been shattered. The transition from what may have been illusionary, to what is reality is very hard.


Remember that most medical professionals have a hard time diagnosing this problem and that most could not do it under three months unless they have an extensive history.

I don’t think I was AFC with her, quite the opposite when it all began in fact, and I did have other choices. I was seeing another girl on the side, but dropped her for the trainee BPD. But I was unlucky because it really came on in full force years later.

As Horaholic points out they are like a drug. Like drugs they destroy you, but you keep wanting to come back because you have tasted heaven, and when you have tasted heaven nothing can be quite the same again.

Countermart
Quote:
Originally Posted by BR549
Borderline Personality Disorder presents itself differently in men than it does in women. Many men, if not most, are often misdiagnosed with other disorders such as Bi-polar, depression, Anti-social PD, etc. before they are correctly diagnosed with BPD.

Compared to their female counterparts, men with BPD will engage in addictive or sexually compulsive behaviors. Regularly hiring of prostitutes/escorts, serial affairs, going to strip clubs, obsessively looking at pornography, engaging in voyeurism or exhibitionism, and compulsive masturbation. While borderline women are more inclined to self harm by cutting, etc. many borderline men will use high-risk sex as a form self-harm.

The worst part of a relationship with someone with BPD is that in the beginning, they are very attentive to you. The come on very strong. Every minute of the day revolves around you. Compliments, phone calls, texts. They make you feel like you are the only person on earth they want to be with. Sadly, that's short-lived because they are incapable of sustaining any type of long-term relationship. Before you can stop your head from spinning they have already started to find another person to play with, that is, if you were the only one they were playing with to begin with... For them, it's all about the chase. Then once they catch you, they are bored. Time to find something or someone else to do.

It's an emotional rollercoaster. The pushing away, the pulling you back. One minute you are the best person in the world and the next you are a lying, manipulative, jealous crybaby. Throw in some passive aggressiveness, constant contradictions, a lot of lying (which they think you have no idea they are doing) and it's utterly exhausting.

Not being able to defend myself when accused of doing or saying things, being "punished" with mind games all took it's toll. Everything is a constant test. "If you love me/like me you will prove it to me. If you don't in a way I deem appropriate, then I will leave."

It's the worst, most painful, emotionally draining, degrading, devaluing "relationship" (if you can call it that) to be in. While you may love this person with all your heart, you walk away a shell of a person because they suck all they can from you and then discard you, saying that they were never serious about what they said those wonderful early days and that you are delusional because you shouldn't have ever thought that the "relationship" was more than what it was. In other words, it meant nothing to them.

I will NEVER EVER again go through that kind of emotional hell. Not with a friend, relative or relationship. It takes a long time to recover and begin to rebuild shattered self. I don't have the time or energy for that.


AMEN to that.

Apologies for the very long posts, but I felt I had an obligation to share this because if it saves even one good, decent guy out there that is despairing right now and happens to stumble across this thread, then it's worth it in my view. If you are one of those guys and you are reading this right now trying to make sense of what happened to you: just know that it WILL get better in time. Don't waste time on revenge or thoughts such as those, for the reality is the person who did this to you very likely lives in her own personal hell deep down inside of herself, it's the reason they are the way they are. Just take heart in the fact you are still around to appreciate life the way it should be lived. And living well, as the saying goes, truly is the best revenge of all.
 

Danger

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SBW said:
BPD is one of a range of PDs, I think I made that clear enough, so don't try to put words in my mouth! :rolleyes:

Nobody put any words in your mouth cupcake. You just need to get your story straight. Your original post said he wasn't even remotely close to BPD.

PD is certainly "remotely close enough" to BDP. If you want to get specific about what PD he was afflicted with, fair enough. That means at the same time you shouldn't be making woefully inaccurate statements like "BDP isn't remotely related to PD". Self-harm is more than remotely suggestive of BPD.


SBW said:
Sorry mate - Nothing I've yet seen or read about Lanza even remotely suggests he suffered from BPD to me. Certain other PDs, maybe but not Borderline.
 
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Best sex and hottest girl I ever had was clinically bipolar. She drove me crazy, and it took all my strength to break it off.

Year later, I tend to check out her online photos anonymously, hoping she lost her edge, but goddamn she's still a 9.
 

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There is more sugar on the BPD doughnut than we all realize. As said, be ever watchful brothers.
 

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I am starting to wonder if my ex is BPD.

-29 yr old. Attractive, divorced.
-Abusive dad and mother didn't give her attention at young age.
-Very low self esteem, and big fear of abandonment - according to her was caused by her ex who cheated on her. She punched him after she found out.
-Easily gets very jealous
-Cheated on me and the other guy thought they were a couple but we were still together then. Blamed me for it! The guy took her back as according to her she didn't cheat on him cos she never slept with me during that time. Being in a LDR, this was a bit hard. I do feel sorry for the guy for what he's gonna get into while I will be nailing other hot girls, he can commit to my left overs.
-expert liar
-financially unstable
-drives recklessly
-likes party and get drunk and wants to experiment with drugs.
-tattoo on her upper back and belly piercing.
-constantly wanted my attention.
-Sex was good and very kinky in bed.
-I tried breaking up with her once, she cried and cried to took me back.
-religious and vegetarian
-loved puppies and almost has an obsession with them.

The relationship started well. I really thought this was it. We seemed to have plenty in common. I changed my phone number so all my FWBs would be out of my life. Slowly, we started having issues and she was always trying to control me. Anytime, I tried to reason with her, it would be all my fault. The only thing, she didn't show any violence towards me. But it was a LDR as well. We saw each other for 6 months only.

I see these issues but I am wondering if labelling this woman with BPD is my way to make myself feel better. She meets the requirements but I hope this is not me making excuses as I need to improve myself as well when the good one comes along.
 

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I went through absolute emotional HELL with an individual that I totally suspect has BPD. After our NC, I did some reflecting. This female was a really good friend prior to our intimate connection. I just cannot picture that this once good friend would treat a person in a relationship like this. It just didn’t make ANY sense to me! I know this individual is kindhearted through the years that I've known her as a friend. But as a friend, I was not involved in her life daily. We just keep in touch online as we used to party together.

I researched a bit with the information I had on her history and lo and behold. I find these threads about borderline personality disorder. It definitely has a link to her past traumas. From what I know of BPD, the episodes occurs when there is a conflict and certain stressors are triggered. Their logic/rational part of their brain is completely disabled and they are only acting on emotions.

I literally read through 2 of the main threads on this matter in a span of 3 days because I was absolutely emotionally nuts. And I only dated this person for a mere 3-4 months.

I allowed myself to be strung along mainly because she had an illness and needed space (which I truly believe this is truth even though some posters encountered some suspicion with the BDPex stating they had an illness). I went afc and decided to allow her to talk to me when she needed to because of the illness. MISTAKE. So technically this whole rollercoaster lasted about 6 months. First 2 months was cloud nine obviously, last two months, I was effed in the head by the constant push/pull and mixed signals.

First, I'd like to clear something out about some of the posters saying there are some afc's getting their hearts broken and immediately saying their ex is a bpd as a way to lighten their bruise ego. To be honest, I would rather my ex break my heart so i can move the f on than her being a BPD. It is MUCH easier to move on IMO. Suspecting that she has BPD, DOES not help me at all. It just tells me I should have compassion for her because she's just a dysfunctional person. The crap that I went through, literally is so fuct up, she better have BPD. Because sometimes hatred and knowing that they had malicious intentions makes things MUCH easier to just go no contact and say FU. However, I now think she has BPD, but I'm not sure if she knows this about herself.

If she doesn't have BPD: We got played very hard and imo it's much easier to move on from this.
If she does have BPD: Now I actually have compassion for her because it doesn’t look like she'll ever have a lasting relationship and now I'm a bit weaker when she does reach out to me in the future (obviously I plan to be strong though)


I swear, when reading these threads, it literally felt like we all dated the same person. The 4-8 week timeline discussion of honeymoon stages that a poster mentioned literally FREAKED me out. How can it be so similar?!

During the honeymoon stages, when we would drink, she would give subtle vague hints of fear that this may not last long. It's as if she may know she has some kind of intimacy issue. At the time, I thought nothing of it but now reflecting back, I think she knows something is wrong with her.

Here's a brief overview of what I encountered:

-Definitely very sexual

-Extremely Charismatic

-Escalated the intimacy and manipulated me to get me to fall. She said she was falling so hard for me and I reciprocated because it was so intense. We were so addicted to each other. I let my guard down a because of prior friendship – I never do this with new women. Ever.

-After the “falling”, we run into some conflicts about exclusions. She wanted to hold off on being fully committed to each other “to see where it takes us” but is okay with dating exclusively. I completely gave her too much credit thinking that we are adults and that we know how to deal with relationships (this was due to the fact that we were friends prior). . I'm obviously hooked now. But I never set boundaries on whether she can be in contact with ex's. I told her I was uncomfortable with it. She did, cut off the ex's until we had our first real relationship argument.

Here's one that I haven't read about from other posters: When we argue, she only wants to talk it over through TEXT messaging. I try calling, she wont pick up and says she wants to chat through text only. This is an action of an emotional child. There were so many misunderstandings over the text when trying to fix our arguments, I literally wanted to break my phone in half. Ever try resolving an argument with someone with your two thumbs only? Typing a full sentence and then hitting the delete button with your thumb? Don't ever let it happen! It was the most emotionally excruciating thing I ever had to do. I suspect this has something to do with her habit of “running away/distancing” during conflict. Or maintaining distance when something is obviously her fault. I am very good with words and I know she might be fearful of taking a pounding if I were to chat with her on the phone.

-After first argument which was just me setting some boundaries about the way she talks about other guys, she finds a way to reverse it on me. So now instead of resolving that first argument which was really nothing, we're arguing about something else that is apparently my fault now. We never go back to fixing the original argument....

I go no contact for a couple days. She sends message “ILU” few days later then we chat, we apparently resolved it but a week later she starts hinting that there are rivalries now and that her ex's are “contacting” her. The ex's. Triangulation. But says they're just friends...

After that first conflict, there were tons of flaking when we'd plan something. I also suspect a lot of lies but zero evidence. I let the flaking go first couple of times then got annoyed and displayed my disapproval. She comes over and ****s my brains out. While blowing me, she says she can see herself doing this forever. “I really love you so much” etc etc. I can **** you forever. Etc etc. Gets me back on the hook. This cycle repeats itself over and over. Conflict, flakey, space, NC couple days, then a message from her, then ****s my brains out (her body moves like a stripper).

This got to the point where I was like WTF are we doing!? “If you just want to be friends with benefits, just tell me”. Then she goes on to say, no I can't be FWB with someone I love. I see myself marrying you etc etc.

-Tons of future faking. “you're the one” blah blah blah. Sending a lot of mix signals.

Then the cycle continues until one day she asks for space again. Doesn't want me to wait for her because of her illness. Wants me to date others (first time she said this)... etc. WTF? I got so confused, how can someone go through so much with me then just flatlines... It was soo bizarre. For awhile, I thought this space was needed because of the illness. Then there were some indications that she's been seeing her ex again. She wants to be friends. Tries to string me while likely seeing this ex. But I just got tired of it, felt like I wasted 6 months + of my life.

This was a very brief summary of what happened btw. This girl literally fits 8 of 9 symptoms of the BPD disorder diagnostics. The one she didn't fit was the “rage”. It's possible that she does rage but finds a way to hide it by dealing with things through messaging. Then she calms down for a few days then calls. I'm not sure. But I don't think rage is required.

I initiated NC and I am still thinking in my head WTF JUST HAPPENED?

You may think I had a pretty sweet deal with the sex and all but I was really looking for something serious in this whole ordeal and I emotionally invested too much.

FYI, I have never been sunk into this emotional hell before. I'm usually very confident and out going. But now, I feel like my body is trying to readjust itself and dealing with the withdrawal from the emotional roller coaster. Its as if it's trying to neutral out from the prologue period of insane highs and lows. Major confusion. During NC recovery period, one week, I would be angry. Then another week I'd be sad, then happy that im single again, then compassionate (feeling sorry for her). The compassion and sad emotions are times when I want to message her to see how she's doing.

I know the community is tired of this BPD discussion as it's been overly done but I am thankful these threads exist because I now know I was in a battle with a major beast of a woman. I know that I came out alive (not getting her pregnant nor getting any stds).

As another poster said you learn more in 10 months than in 10 years when you encounter someone like this. I totally agree! I also find comfort knowing that there are some talented DJ that got taken down by these types of women. At one point, I really thought I was weak and doubted myself.
 

Shortest Straw

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I'm in a relationship with a moderate BPD. I thought I might be able to add a little bit to the fantastic discussion thus far.

BPDs are a dangerous drug. Perfect analogy. However, if you have a VERY deep level of introspection, you can do the drug and not get addicted nor destroy your life. I have taken a lot of different drugs but by always being honest with myself about what I am doing, I have managed to stay clear of self destruction.

I was in a relationship with a mild BPD. I couldn't quite put a finger on it - we were "partners in crime" yet there was something erratic about her behavior toward me. We tried to do a blended family (I'm a widower) and my obligation toward my kids drew me into her. What followed was three years of subtle agony, and finally I broke it apart and talked her into moving across the country. Walking away from her, it was like a weight was lifted. Astonishingly, afterward she still nurtured hopes we would get back together.

I then encountered someone I immediately recognized to be a more severe BPD sufferer. I didn't yet fully understand the disorder, but one adjective I thought of (and I haven't seen written here or BPDFamily) is "rootless". Rootless, as in lacking roots. There is a vague sense of lack of identity about them. Do you catch them adopting your mannerisms? Is there a vague emptiness or superficiality about them? Add "rootless" to the list.

I persisted. One reason was to manage the relationship like I wish I had managed the prior one. Another was because I simply like the excitement, the stimulation, the challenge. And the ****ing! Holy sin, the fornication! Sitting in a parked car, people in the car next to us, in the front row passenger seat, sodomy galore, and she's coming. Incessantly raw.

How have I kept my sanity? I never let the explicit involvement build. I keep her away from my house, from my kids - I only interact with her in a venue in which I can easily get up and walk away if she starts acting up. I don't want her at my house because I don't want to have to messily evict her in front of my kids. I don't want my neighbors to hear her screeching at me.

If you know that there is no "true" her, you can remind yourself that the good feelings she imparts to you are lies. If her rages are lies, then so is her kindness. One of the easiest ways to avoid getting hooked on cocaine, for example, is to realize that the rush of good feelings is the drug lying to you. It helps to be honest with yourself about the lies you are being told.

So it's stimulating. You have to constantly be on your toes and questioning every single thing she says - or, more to the point, questioning your own response every time.

The most effective way to deal with her is to mirror her. This is an insidious technique, inadvertently lifted from Art of Seduction. Once I understood how she felt inside, I would project those feelings. When she would say that I am evil, for example, I would reply "I can't take it. You're right. I feel so empty inside," followed by, "PLEASE don't leave me!" then followed by "I HATE YOU!"

It is stunningly effective. Not in any lasting way, but by far the quickest way to end her rages was to indirectly reassure her that I was exactly like her.

Try it sometime if you're in a relationship with a BPD girl. It's hilarious to watch. Easier to do via text message, but if you are strong enough, and a good enough actor, you can do it in person.

I alternate between telling her how much I crave her, and helpfully pointing out what is wrong with her. When she says how terrible my constructive criticisms make her feel, I gently remind her how much time and attention I am giving her, and I am doing that because I care. About the only reason I can say this with a straight face is I actually do believe I have helped her come to terms with the conflicting shreds of her personality.

The other thing that has enabled this to work for me is I do a complete end-around on her infidelity leanings. I actively push her to go be with other guys. Truth be told, I am moderately sincere about that, as I've never done a full-on GB (and she has, to a startling mix of satisfaction and shame), but the interesting effect is how it defuses on her end.

I, of course, shove my own polyamory in her face on a regular basis. I leave panties out for her to discover. She likes it.

So if you are weird enough - and a bit of narcissism and sociopathy helps here - you can get yourself a relationship that is weirder than you ever imagined was possible.

If you want her to be exclusive, want a soul mate, want trust, want to be able to let down your guard ... anybody but a BPD. Try to make a normal relationship with her and you will in no time be a shivering emaciated hollow eyed junkie sitting naked on the floor of a filthy dimly lit room with a heroin needle in one arm and cocaine in the other.
 
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