3 weeks NC
Hi, this is the first time posting on a forum about my personal relationship with my now ex girlfriend. I have read many posts and watched too many you tube videos and how to get your ex back video's but I still feel the need to tell my story if not to help me, maybe I can help someone else who might go down the path I went and lost an amazing relationship that I'm moving on from ever so slowly. But I am and I will.
So I was 27 at the time and only have had sex with one other woman up until then and it was nothing serious just a nice woman a few years older than me who found me attractive but I of course fell for her and she said sorry kid ( I was 19 she was 23 at the time) and that was that. Not a big deal since no long relationship was formed.
Fast forward and I meet a wonderful woman who at the time was 19 but quite mature for her age and i was 27. I know the age gap doesnt sound good but I was not very experienced yet in the dating world even at that age so I thought I would give it a go. My best friend told me to go for it because he knew my situation and that I was a shyer guy although I was confident and so I took her out and we hit it off. Her mother and I were actually friends for a quite some time and then I met her daughter and she even approved of me asking her out.
Everything was amazing for 2-3 years between us, we hardly fought and if we did it was resolved quickly and we both comunicated pretty well to another considering our inexperience with relationships. Our sex life was great. In the 4th year I realized but didnt actully realize about my outlook on life and mental state and how i started shutting out my friends, family, passions and hobbies to try to be around her as much as possible because she made me feel so Great when I was with her and I forgot to mention we'd been living together for almost 3 out of the 4 years. I didnt have a fulfilling job all this time, it paid the Bill's but I hated it. I stayed because of complacency and to be honest It was easy lazy work. Also, I was her first so now that I look back I realize why it was good and ok for her to be with me in this state for so long but as I mentioned this last year things started to change.
I became much more negative in my daily life without fully realizing it. She said things to help but I didnt pick up on it all the times she did and I kept spiraling down. Before i knew it I just wanted to get work done every day and get home as soon as I could to be with her as much as possible. She was going to college full time and working full time so eventhough we lived together many nights were spent with her at the computer doing homework and me playing video games on the tv.
We started fighting more as she said she wanted to go out and do more and I told her i would compromise but then after a few more months similar discussions would arise again. Dont get me wrong, I loved this girl with all my heart and would always encourage her and when she was upset I would always cheer her up. I would surprise her with chocolate and flowers. I would make her laugh, Take her out to dinner and the movies, I treated her like my queen and she treated me like her king for a long time. About 4 months ago I yelled at her and argued literally about nothing because inside I was depressed and didnt love myself anymore(I now realize). My friends never called to hang out and I never called them. I didn't see any of my family hardly ever. I didnt go out and pursue my own passions and desires, I was riding on the coat tails of an amazing person I was watching soar higher and higher while I was weighed down and stuck by this invisible at the time but unbearable pressure of not being good enough anymore and feeling left behind.
She told me that day when I asked if she was still in love with me and she responded she loved me but didnt think she was In love with me anymore. I was devastated to say the least because I was and still am madly in love with this soul, this person that has brought me such happiness and joy but somehow I wasnt able to give her that same feeling anymore. She left for her moms that day and i sat at home crying trying to figure out what to say or do. I'll tell you guys right now the biggest mistake I made was not calling a close friend, or parent to discuss what was happening and how I could fix it if possible. I wrote a very mushy letter stating how sorry I was and asking for another chance which she did. I was so happy but my biggest mistake again was I thought I could fix it on my own and the truth was I couldn't. I didnt have the knowledge or experience to know what was happening to make her have these feelings. 2 months later (about 5 weeks ago) the day after my birthday it just came up again and she said she still felt the same and just wasn't in love eventhough she loved me and was very confused like me as to why she felt this. I knew eventhough I wanted to fix it so so bad that I had to listen to her this time and we broke up after 4 years. 3 of which were absolutely amazing.
To wrap things up, if this resonates with any of you guys I'll tell you that your going through some form of depression or maybe not quite as bad but you started to or did lose yourself along the way and may not love yourself at the moment. I want someone on here to say I have a chance still but I've read enough stories to know I need to let go and become the man I know I have the potential to be. Even at 32 years old I feel like I have a purpose again and am going back to college and getting my life on track more than its ever been in my entire life. I've reconnected with my close friends and family, go to the gym 5 days a week and found a new job making more than I have before. I still hope one day when I have reached my goals maybe this woman who really had no choice but to leave someone who emotionally drained her after a year of living with someone who didnt love themself that I may have the universe connect her back with me.
Sorry for the length but it feels good to write this down and if by chance someone reads this before it's too late, they may have the real second chance that I wasnt able to create to keep someone who I feel truly got me and did love me and accept me for who I was until I stopped accepting me for who I was....
