Day 6:
Difficult morning today but I did eat breakfast which is a positive sign. My appetite has been stifled since the split but this was expected. I had a few dreams where she was in it last night but I could feel the beta energy of neediness and desperation in them. I know that in order to be strong i must muster new energy inside of me. My blue pill conditioning will be hard to overcome but I am ware of it, and I am actively trying to stride towards becoming more centred, focused on my passions and interests now.
I am going to try hard to maintain the no Fapp thing, I want to keep up the streak of atleast a week to see me through to next week when this girl I am interested in gets back from her trip (Lithuanian bird who works for another company in our shared office space, we have been texting since the split and is actually much cooler / hotter than my ex but I am trying not to take my bucket of ONEitis and pour it over her head). I want her to feel that masculine energy radiate off me otherwise she'll sense that I am a beta *****.
I am fearful of being alone this evening, my housemate is going away until Saturday. I kind of need to go through periods of alone time though. It is the reality of life that there will always be chapters where you will be alone. In many ways, you have to overcome the pain through self-love and doing things that bring you joy.
Like I agreed, your head isn't ready to cake myself in girls and dating yet. I think you need at least a month before you can truly get back into your groove again. I know that she swiftly ran off to the bad boy ex immediately and left you, your beta old self in the dust, but this is the game that you play.
It makes me angry in ways that someone who you thought was totally into you, who had your back and relationship in good faith just disappears overnight to what is potentially another pit of despair that she may re-live again. In any case she wants to be single and you cant have a girl like that in your life.
I think I've accepted beyond any doubt now that there is no going back. I would be prepared to say no now, I will likely ignore any contact made despite that part of me clutching at the end of a cliff hoping this will all go back to the way it was.
The point is, understand that the game you are in is the game of yourself and your masculinity. You must always strive for better in your health, weal and opportunity. You must always be your mental point of origin
- Credit to Rationale Male by Rollo Tommasi for helping me analyse and express my situation with terminology.
Context:
These are entries to myself from my Morning Pages by Julia Cameron notes. It is probably the best way to get your head out onto paper and I recommend trying it out.
Girlfriend (23) me (25) going out for 3.5 years. We lived together on and off for most of it and it started off great then I slowly became more beta as I progresed in my career as a software engineer (which is a hard job and commands a lot of your energy). I started becoming more orientated around long-term things (mortgages etc)and lost my passions along the way (music, entrepreneurship) meaning I turned into a boring beta ****. Signs were visible 4/5 months prior where she mentioned she wanted to live with her friends instead of me, then started going out way more with her home friends and then I eventually found out she was messing around with the bad boy ex boyfriend before me who hurt her bla bla ... it is literally a club classic on February 13th 2019. Anyway, I swiftly asked her to move out like any person with some respect left would do and she then went on to say she wanted to be single so it was over like that. I had ONEitis bad with this girl so it will be a long journey no doubt.
Difficult morning today but I did eat breakfast which is a positive sign. My appetite has been stifled since the split but this was expected. I had a few dreams where she was in it last night but I could feel the beta energy of neediness and desperation in them. I know that in order to be strong i must muster new energy inside of me. My blue pill conditioning will be hard to overcome but I am ware of it, and I am actively trying to stride towards becoming more centred, focused on my passions and interests now.
I am going to try hard to maintain the no Fapp thing, I want to keep up the streak of atleast a week to see me through to next week when this girl I am interested in gets back from her trip (Lithuanian bird who works for another company in our shared office space, we have been texting since the split and is actually much cooler / hotter than my ex but I am trying not to take my bucket of ONEitis and pour it over her head). I want her to feel that masculine energy radiate off me otherwise she'll sense that I am a beta *****.
I am fearful of being alone this evening, my housemate is going away until Saturday. I kind of need to go through periods of alone time though. It is the reality of life that there will always be chapters where you will be alone. In many ways, you have to overcome the pain through self-love and doing things that bring you joy.
Like I agreed, your head isn't ready to cake myself in girls and dating yet. I think you need at least a month before you can truly get back into your groove again. I know that she swiftly ran off to the bad boy ex immediately and left you, your beta old self in the dust, but this is the game that you play.
It makes me angry in ways that someone who you thought was totally into you, who had your back and relationship in good faith just disappears overnight to what is potentially another pit of despair that she may re-live again. In any case she wants to be single and you cant have a girl like that in your life.
I think I've accepted beyond any doubt now that there is no going back. I would be prepared to say no now, I will likely ignore any contact made despite that part of me clutching at the end of a cliff hoping this will all go back to the way it was.
The point is, understand that the game you are in is the game of yourself and your masculinity. You must always strive for better in your health, weal and opportunity. You must always be your mental point of origin
- Credit to Rationale Male by Rollo Tommasi for helping me analyse and express my situation with terminology.
Context:
These are entries to myself from my Morning Pages by Julia Cameron notes. It is probably the best way to get your head out onto paper and I recommend trying it out.
Girlfriend (23) me (25) going out for 3.5 years. We lived together on and off for most of it and it started off great then I slowly became more beta as I progresed in my career as a software engineer (which is a hard job and commands a lot of your energy). I started becoming more orientated around long-term things (mortgages etc)and lost my passions along the way (music, entrepreneurship) meaning I turned into a boring beta ****. Signs were visible 4/5 months prior where she mentioned she wanted to live with her friends instead of me, then started going out way more with her home friends and then I eventually found out she was messing around with the bad boy ex boyfriend before me who hurt her bla bla ... it is literally a club classic on February 13th 2019. Anyway, I swiftly asked her to move out like any person with some respect left would do and she then went on to say she wanted to be single so it was over like that. I had ONEitis bad with this girl so it will be a long journey no doubt.
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