The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Spaz]

Correct. I wanted to just reframe and keep plodding along but I gave up my emotional power and I'm not sure you can regain that once lost. I did do it once but it wasn't ultimately worth staying in contact bc it interrupts the healing process. That's why "downgrade to FBuddy' is such trash advice here when talking about someone you're actually attached to.

When I said reframe.

It's meant as a total overhaul of ur current principles.

Perhaps you should give it some serious consideration.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 30

Last one or two days I’ve been angry with the ex. Angry she left me. Hit the ego. I’m fine now. Probably because I skipped the gym and meditation yesterday and haven’t seen my main plate since Sunday as she’s on her period – it’s hard to be mad when you’re getting reverse cowgirled by a former gymnast

Besides, I can’t be angry at someone for pursuing what’s in their best interest. That’s the game. You can’t control other people’s behaviour, only your own. I got lazy. Should have been less emotionally invested – certainly less than her which wasn’t the case. Forgot one of the cardinal rules: The person who cares least controls the relationship.

Even though I was overtly influencing the direction of the relationship she was ultimately in the driving seat. If things ended between us she would be (and is) fine, whereas it would hurt me and she knew it. She knew I cared more. And that’s never a position your girl should be in. Probably should have been spinning plates for the first six to 12 months. I was actually straddling an LDR, with a girl I’d been travelling with, when I met the current ex so didn’t have any other active plates in the city. Another error. Spin plates, care less. Golden advice and something to remember for the next one.

One great thing about NC is that it has strengthened my resolve. My confidence is actually higher than when I met my ex. I have zero regard for women who don’t have high interest. Life is too short to spend time with people that don’t love the idea of being around you.


The evolution in my thinking has been interesting.


Day 1 – 3 Apologised, tried to convince and pushed and pushed to no avail. Wrote her a goddamn letter to explain my thoughts. Yes, yes I know. I was with this girl for a year and the breakup, for the most part, took me by surprise. Didn’t go as far as crying, begging or pleading for another chance but still far from my greatest moment of manhood. Initiated NC, but told her if she changed her mind I’d still be interested in giving things another go.

Day 4 – 15 Started seeing other women, but still pined for the ex. Intended to finish 60 days of NC and then contact the ex. Would have taken her back in a heartbeat if she’d reached out and apologised or wanted to talk things through.

Day 16 – 25 Realised the true devaluing impact of reaching out to someone who dumped you. What does that say about how you see yourself? Your self-value? Your options? Anyone who would risk losing you so they can go fvck other guys does not give a sh*t about you. Woke up from the post breakup mist of the first two weeks. No intention to initiate contact with the ex but would still have been open to reconciliation had she contacted me and pushed for it.

Day 25 – 30 Confidence growing. Thinking more objectively. Wouldn’t take the ex back right now even if she asked for another chance. Am I bit lonely sometimes? Sure. Do I miss her body and the regular sex? Yep. But having someone like her around wouldn’t serve my best interests at the moment. I am making a lot of progress in my social life, hobbies, therapy, internal game and mission. She would only disrupt that.

Men with options, men who know their value, men who value their happiness and sanity, only elevate high interest quality women to girlfriend status. Looking forward to what the next 30 days will bring.

 

[Spaz]

Just so you guys know, there's no such thing as quality women. That idea is being thrown around by women themselves and by men being susceptible to it always ends up being hurt.

 

[Spaz]

I found that the idea of all women being the same quality is just as dangerous as the quality vs low quality Madonna/***** thing.
You can be as reckless with your choices of who to be with as the most naive beta guy because you generalize behaviors to "all women". It makes you view red flags as common and inevitable and screws your screening up.

There is no quality.

Therefore there no such thing as same quality.

 

[Spaz]

Same low quality is what I mean.

I don't have real answers as to what the balance should be, I'm just saying both can be counterproductive.

I guess what I'm getting at is this. In a relationship you enjoy, you will eventually view your partner as quality. It's inevitable. Because this is inevitable, you need to be careful initially choosing. There absolutely are degrees of low quality, some much worse than others. If you choose based on nihilistic AWALT and then inevitably view a lowest quality woman as quality, you're in trouble. Obviously this only applies to monogamous men.

No I don't view women as quality. I never did.

Once a man views women as quality they place an emphasis on that person. And that women then tries her best to fit within that mould.

Therefore the quality you speak off exist only in ur mind and the women you deem to be that is merely an imitation of said quality.

And just like an imitation product that you buy, it ends up disappointing you.

 

[John Constantine]

Broke non contact on day 47.. I regret it deeply now, I tried to get to see her again. She declined it and told me that she doesn’t doesn’t want me in her life anymore. It hit like a ****ing brick, I feel so lonely rn I just feel like talking to her but I know it won’t do anything but repulse her more. It’s sad, all the progress I made.. gone. Back to day 1, I’m feeling sick. I still think that she’ll contact me sometimes, pathetic. I could spin plates but sex isn’t that rewarding for me and it certainly don’t help with the pain. It just make me feel like an empty shell stuck in my mind while I’m with other girls. I think about her when I **** other girls. Stupid sh*t, what has she done to me to make me so stuck to her.. had to vent a little bit

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 31

I bought a luxury timepiece yesterday. My first Rolex. New. From the dealership. It had only been in for an hour when I happened to see it. I knew if I didn't act fast it would be gone by the end of the day, so rare is the occasion to find this model. It's a sports watch and so very hard to come by. I've been searching for three years but either lacked the funds, couldn't find the right model or felt I lacked the gravitas and level of success to pull it off. But with the growth I've achieved, particularly in the last year, I felt I was ready. The culmination of a lifetime's hard work.

We are fortunate to be men. Life only gets better as we age. It's virtually impossible to fear the idea of not being able to find a hotter woman to replace an ex when you gaze at the five pronged crown. Life is good.

I have a date with a new girl on Sunday and my main chick will be back on the rosta so it'll be a fun week. Two plates is really all I need to keep me satisfied. Women are not a priority at all anymore. My career, hobbies and personal growth are. This month the breakup has caused a few distractions workwise but I'm completely out of the fog now and motivated to finish the year on a high. There are a lot of interesting things happening at my company so it's my responsibility to ensure that I keep myself educated, well informed and ready.

 

[Soflobro#3]

With her? I tried to reframe and intended to actually but the blatant exploitation of her love-bombing me with professions of love, poems etc then disappearing got to be too disrespectful and emotionally disruptive.

I brought it up hot cold treatment very early on and she made excuses, then finally admitted she was losing interest. My regret is she didn't treat me with respect, she could have dumped me on any grounds and I would have enjoyed the usually inevitable bittersweet ending to what we had and reminisced well, but she just HAD to string me along...

That sucks. I felt like my ex led me on to near the end because i was getting mixed signals. I think she wanted to be close to me but she was controlling herself and not showing interest. She was probably resentful towards me to so i understand. It still really bothered me.

 

[Soflobro#3]

In some cases resentful, some cases buying time to withdraw, some cases both. Hot/cold does a number on you though, it's torture. My opinion is that the resentment is a tool to use to withdraw from you for other reasons, no different than how we would bring up the bad qualities of someone when we are suffering a breakup.

Yeah wich she would do, making herself focus on the negatives because i was kind of good at redirecting to focus on tomorrow, a new day, a fresh start. I probably would go hot and cold without realizing it, it wasn't intentional.

But hot and cold is just a mind fvck. The withdrawing was real effective on me until i decided i was just going to leave. Wheb i finally gave her a taste of her keen medicine she got pissed and i think panicked because i never did her like that, but for that long. I would usually break a promise or something and she would distance herself so i understood sometimes, but sometimes i didn't understand why.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 32

I find watching nature documentaries is another great way to move on. Watching BBC's Blue Planet on Netflix at the moment. You can see the forest through the trees or in this case the ocean! Remember gents, this is one girl in a world full of women. It's impossible to remain focused on such a small problem like a breakup when you recognise how big the world is and the infinite possibilities available to you.

 

[tutu78]

Day 21,

We are still friends on FB. Do not have the balls to unfriend her yet. Eventhough my gut feeling says that I might see something that might hurt me. Shall I unfriend her? Three weeks ago, I broke NC contact and spent 2 great days but later she said she wants to be left alone.

Ps: She is diagnosed with BPD.

 

[tutu78]

I haven't blocked her after the break-up if I do it now, will it show that I'm butthurt? or am i just bargaining?
This drug is very powerful.

 

[tutu78]

Thank you.

During the devauling phase. I had a dream.

She was screaming and yelling at me, calling me names.
Me not knowing what to do. In the dream my phone rang. It was her, in her idealizing phase saying how much she loves me and misses me.
And the devaluing one started screaming at me to hang up the phone. Then I woke up. I mean gut feeling, how much can it get more concrete than that? My brain literally gave me a screenplay but i still ignored.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 34

Weird day. Professionally everything was great. Project I'm working on is making fantastic progress. However I've been craving the ex strongly throughout today. The heart (and d!ck) still wants her but the mind is moving on.

Have a plate coming round tonight. Nothing a nut or two shouldn't be able to deal with hopefully.

 

[BeTheChange]

How long was the relationship? These relapses will happen for months, give yourself time.

Thanks man. One year. And to make matters worse the plate I had come round went nucleur (she's on the crazy side) and just left. She's starting to sense my undifferenxe towards her due to my feelings for my ex and she's acting out. So now the calmness and chilled out nature of my ex looks even better in comparison.

Selective nostalgia is a b!tch. I'll be fine tomorrow. It's the fact they move on so quickly that rubs me the wrong way.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.

 

[tutu78]

Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.

Well. Before the plate phase I always suggest "self-evalutation". Also, you will constantly compare the plates with the ex. The image of the ex will probably much better than the plate. Have you read some books? Such as the rational male?

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 37

37 days is the longest I've ever gone NC. I broke after 37 days NC with my BPD ex back in 2016. Couldn't handle the feelings of loneliness and loss. I was a much weaker man back then.

I still my most recent ex of course. And the sense of loss was particularly palatable last night, where I struggled to sleep. My rational mind is accepting the permanence of the situation and the reality that it will not be so easy to replace her. However eighty percent of success is showing up, so as long as my get myself I'll find an LTR worthy plate eventually. Stance hasn't changed - wouldn't contact her, wouldn't take her back right now if she contacted me. I'm making a lot of strides personally, professionally and internally. However not the man I want to be as far as fully internalising the prize mentality but I'll get there.

I'd like to be unrecognisable six months from now. Lost a noticeable amount of weight in the months around the breakup and even more after. I've decided to do a serious bulk. I'm 5'9 and currently 153 lbs. I'm aiming to get to 165 lbs by February and then I want to slowly gain another 10 lbs to hit 170 - 175 lbs by summer. 180 lb would be beast mode at my height so I'll assess what the mirror says once I hit those early goals.

Having these goals has definitely given me a new lease of life. I remember being 167 lbs in the summer of 2011. It was another world. I loved it! That feeling is the only memory I need to motivate me. Also helps that the ex was really into gym bodies so that's an added perk. Will feel a bit sweeter to know that I'm kicking ass and she's missing out. And that was back when I had no weight in my legs. So I'd probably need to be at 170 - 175 lbs to get the same impact if I'm working on my legs too. 180 lbs sounds about right because I'd like to look like I lift even if i wear a jacket of sweater.

 

[tutu78]

Day 24

I'm still under the FOG, as my BPD-ex lost her dad and told me leave her alone while I was showing support over the phone. Then she told me to leave her alone. This was the last conversation we had. I still want her to be good and wish her a well-being. Despite all the insults, manipultaions, triangulation and physicall abuse she is still in my dreams. I haven't pass one single night without seeing her in my dream. It sucks.

 

[Vikingking1488]

Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.

I think this about my ex to sometimes. But you'll never truly know because you can't trust anything she tells you anyways. Sucks