The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Soflobro#3]

Not true. At all. Most humans in no offense are pretty trash. They lack a true north and moral compass. Keep looking. There are GREAT google out there

I mean i made mistakes too. I didn't do sh1t for like the first 6 months I lived with her. But I fell back into addiction, and she would subtly put me down, or just give me random silent treatment. Im a very affectionate person and I don't act petty or passive aggressive. I'm fun loving, ****y, humble and I'm great in bed. She would always cvm. More than once and be snoring withing a few minutes after.

But something was weird about her. Even her brother told me once "we have had to put up with her smart a$$ mouth for years" and "s isn't the hold your hand and walk through the park type of girl, she is a love you from a distance type of girl" she even told me once that she and her Brazilian best friend are. Sometimes mean or not good. Girlfriends I'm terms of like they will sometimes reject your affection, or basically little b1tch behavior like this. She had to have known what she was doing and how it affected the other person.

She claimed her babys daddy, her last ex, stole like 30k from her for drugs, tried to rape her, and she had him locked up and ran to another state. The dude came looking for her, broke her parents windshield and stalked around her families homes looking for her.

I can understand why he would be resentful and maybe snap like that, even if he was wrong. Women like this choose men who are in an insecure point in life and antagonize them and fvck with their heads.no one should be putting their hands on anyone else in general, but women like this deserve to get hit if they behave this way. They are emotionally abusive vampires, they try to upset you and cause you pain. This is why i say we shouldn't act so horrified everytime we hear about a man hitting a woman.

I even watch this woman emotionally abuse her son. I even tried to talk to her about it, but she seems unable to control herself or change. That boy is going to have real major issues with women when he grows up. He's going to be a major nice guy who will get probably used because his mother was so domineering and push and pulled him / ignore so much. He is 14 and doesn't know better. He was sheltered and never had many friends or social interaction outside of school.

The next guy will probably beat her bad, because she won't go for a guy who has success and is financially secure.

She was lucky to even meet me, because im attractive, but I was poor as fvck and struggling when I met her. When I left her I just hadess happiness and confidence.

I doubt she cheated because she was still doing me favors after I moved out and financed a phone for me and paid the bill.

Shes probably alone again, just like when I met her. Her family used to always bug her about dating and were surprised when she met me. I mean she got burned by me too, but I don't give a fvck.

 

[Mds29]

One week in now. Our last correspondence was her asking "how did the eagles lose to the buccaneers". I put my phone on airplane mode, read the message, then deleted it. So it still appears that I haven't even opened it to her. Maybe that was childish, but idc. I miss talking to her but it was unsustainable, I would have just been put in her orbit and taken for granted. Each day is easier though, naturally I wonder if she misses me or if she is getting anxiety. Probably not, but I don't care anymore.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 8

A week since we split. Her choice. My fault. Not rectifiable in a reasonable period of time so have to write this one off and hope for the best somewhere down the line. Few major things to work on but solid plan ahead.

Expecting this to be one of maybe five posts in the next 60 days. Always best to just live your life. Writing daily posts as if you're on the road to recovery only perpetuates a victim mentality. We aren't victims.

As much as I'd like to reach out I'm rational enough to recognise it wouldn't help at this stage. I already pleaded my case on day 1, apologising for being an *******s, etc. She didn't accept it. Fair play to her I suppose. When I apoligise for poor behabiour only repeat the same thing the next week it makes sense you'd give up. She made the right choice for her given the objective facts. The funny thing is I actually think this is the big one. The call to action that ironically will see me becoming the man she would have wanted. Im confident. Dont want to go into too much detail but its very likely ill have these kinks worked out by this time next year. Only thing that could make this work again is time and the reality is we will probably have met other people by the time we might have been open to giving things another go.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 11

Ups and downs throughout last few days but generally content and optimistic of the future. Forward planning always energises me.

Hooked up with first plate since the breakup tonight. HB7. Another Italian. Mind automatically compares every girl I date to the ex HB8.5 but it's hard to be objective at this point as I am likely underrating other plates and overrating my ex due to the inevitable onitis that sets into a monogamous LTR. Trick to get over the hump is to spin plates and emotionally invest in other women, which takes the ex of the pedestal.

The next 4 to 5 months are the best for finding women. All my best LTRs have come through women I met in the last 3 months of the year. Have more attention from women than slots available but the quality isn't there. My plan is to keep a steady rotation of the 3 hottest at any one time and just keep upgrading until I find someone cool who is atleast as attractive as my ex. As long as I keep smashing salsa, going out and hitting tinder I'll eventually find someone on that level.

 

[DirtBagAFC]

Make a long story short. Married 22 years. She told me she wanted a divorce for the nth time. I left her with two kids 14 and 16 on April 27, 2018. She filed May 10, 2018. May came with email/text insults directed my way and I responded with a few windy emails basically saying that we are adults, we both choose each other, and we should walk away maturely. All conversations were terse from my pov and attacking from hers as divorce mediation developed. Divorce finalized Sept 13, 2018. All conversations are terse from me and waiting from her. She wants to know where I am in the domestic orders. She wants money. She wants to punish me. I have until 11/13/2018 to fulfill legal agreements. As of 10/5/2018 my agreements have been meet. I started no contact 10/5/2018. She has emailed twice. I never want to talk to that ***** again.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 16

Acceptance. I have never felt like this during NC, which reflects the growth I've made since joining this site 10 years ago. I don't care about my ex. I don't care about finding a hotter girl, which really was only a means to address a bruised ego from being dumped. This thinking only led to outcome dependence and wasn't addressing the fundamentals. How I see myself. Beautiful women will come and go from my life. This can not be a concern.

My aim over the next few months is to remember my ex and think "her loss" and genuinely believe it 100% of the time, not just after pumping myself up with some affirmations and podcasts. That means internalising an extreme level of confidence, which takes time, practice, replacing old debilitating beliefs with new transformative ones and repeating and cementing these methods of thinking and beliefs over months and years. I want to believe I am the prize for myself.

To paraphrase Jophil, "my self value is my raison d'etre".

It's not to say I don't need to change or grow. Of course I do. But it needs to be done for myself, not to become a better Ken doll for the next chick. I have no intention of ever contacting my ex again and that is something I've never had the strength of conviction and frame to declare so quickly after a breakup before. Feels good.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 19

Great weekend. Do miss the ex from time to time but more the memories and the good times than anything else. Reality is she no longer gives a crap about me and I'm ok with that. She disregarded my feelings and doesn't see the value I know I have so she really isn't worth thinking about or even acknowledging as a problem. Disdain things you cannot have. Ignoring them is the best revenge.

Seeing a new Italian chick, a former aerobic gymnasts champion. I kid you not. She was doing things in the bedroom I've never seen before. Her flexibility is outrageous. She isn't as physically attractive as my ex but the sex is far better with this new plate. Like banging a pornstar. Hooked up on Friday and then again on Sunday so we've had four dates now and I've fvcked her three times. Bedding beautiful women definitely helps with the inevitable oneitis you develop within an LTR. I am lucky that my spidey senses were tingling in the last few weeks of my LTR so I started innocently talking to a few other girls including this gymnast.

Our first date was three days after the breakup and I absolutely didn't want to be there. All I could see was how different she was from my ex and so for this reason I wasn't attracted to her at all initially. It wasn't until the end of the date when I kissed her that I thought something might be there. First few days after the breakup I literally had eyes for no one else but the ex. But push through it gents. Force yourself to go on those dates. It may take a few weeks but as long you don't compromise on your standards you will find yourself attracted to these new chicks just as intensely, once the post-breakup fog clears.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 20

Has been by far the easiest break up I've experienced, although quite difficult in the first few days. I have almost no negativity towards the situation anymore and I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to get some space and work on myself. What has really helped was:

• Allowing myself to grieve in the first few days. I legit shed tears
• Lifting constantly
• Meditating atleast once a day
• Directly working on the issues that led to her breaking up with me through self help cognitive behavioural techniques and weekly therapy. This really helped with the ego because I no longer see it as her leaving me but instead the person that I used to be, not the better version of myself I am developing into
• Reframing situations as positive
• Daily affirmations
• Going gung ho on relationships with family and friends. I've been speaking to my parents, siblings and friends much more regularly than usual basically replacing my ex
• Pursuing hobbies like salsa and language learning
• And of course spinning plates as soon as possible even through the pain and numbness of the first week or so. I am reaping the benefits and managed to meet a great girl who is actually better than my ex in a lot ways. I also have multiple other girls lined up over the next few weeks so this is shaping up to be a great month. My intention is to be sexually non exclusive for the next 12 month's regardless

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 21

Just a note on reframing and how it worked for me. My thought process works as follows:

• I recognise that I have incredible value while acknowledging a continuous necessity to better myself personally, mentally and financially. I’m not improving myself in order to be a better Ken doll to these Barbies but because life is brilliant when you have a positive attitude, great social skills, an awesome network of friends and money to fly around the world and enjoy the finest things in life.
• Even if she felt she had a legitimate reason to leave, this is no longer a reflection of who you are now and who you will be in the future. What happened in the past is done. Take an honest look at yourself, acknowledge any flaws, learn from it and grow.
• It is a shame she wasn’t able to see your value or potential, because if she had she wouldn’t have left, but it’s for the best. You only want to be with woman that genuinely recognise your true capabilities and LOVE the idea of being with you because of this. I don’t even like my tea lukewarm, let alone my women.
• Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.
• She is free to come back and hop on the BeTheChange growth train any time she chooses but there’s only so many passengers the train can hold and if she doesn’t buy a ticket then some other lucky lady will

This last point is really important. When I broke up with my ex briefly back in June I talked through it with my cousin. I mentioned she met me only two weeks after moving to the UK and he said “wow, she’s pretty lucky she found someone like you that quickly”. It wasn’t said in an artificial or non-authentic way, but more like a nonchalant afterthought. He had looked at her and what she was doing with her life and mentally made the same comparison with me and had not even considered the possibility of me being the fortunate one in this relationship. He saw something that I had failed to see in myself by the end. That I was “the prize”. I didn’t believe it when things ended again three weeks ago otherwise why would I have spent two days trying to convince her to stay with me. But it’s true. There are more women like her than there are guys like me. That is a fact. If she doesn’t see it that’s her problem, not yours. I am internalising this prize mentality now and I look back on those days like I was crazy. It’s actually insane when you think about it. Why should I have to convince her to be with me??!! If you gave someone a million dollars would you need to convince them to take it?? High value people know their worth and behave accordingly.

We preach “Be the Prize” so much on this website but genuinely internalising this belief is paramount to one’s success and should be the focus, before anything else. Thankfully I am moving further towards this state and it feels great.

 

[Spaz]

Make a long story short. Married 22 years. She told me she wanted a divorce for the nth time. I left her with two kids 14 and 16 on April 27, 2018. She filed May 10, 2018. May came with email/text insults directed my way and I responded with a few windy emails basically saying that we are adults, we both choose each other, and we should walk away maturely. All conversations were terse from my pov and attacking from hers as divorce mediation developed. Divorce finalized Sept 13, 2018. All conversations are terse from me and waiting from her. She wants to know where I am in the domestic orders. She wants money. She wants to punish me. I have until 11/13/2018 to fulfill legal agreements. As of 10/5/2018 my agreements have been meet. I started no contact 10/5/2018. She has emailed twice. I never want to talk to that ***** again.

You should open a thread in the mature section.

And get some advice from the gents there or just to let out some steam.

 

[Red Legg]

(day 1)...Well the same BPD has bit the dust on me for the second time,major attention wh0re this one,she has already entered my feels zone unfortunately .I learned along time ago you can't stop the "feels" no matter how hard you try.I am old enough to know that NC is about you and you only....so I guess this is day one,already talking to new girls...……..charge !!

 

[Spaz]

(day 1)...Well the same BPD has bit the dust on me for the second time,major attention ***** this one,she has already entered my feels zone unfortunately .I learned along time ago you can't stop the "feels" no matter how hard you try.I am old enough to know that NC is about you and you only....so I guess this is day one,already talking to new girls...……..charge !!

I'll honestly tell you this Red, how I'm not affected by women, I categorised women and by doing so I mentally prepare myself to act in a certain fashion according to those categories.

There's a Wild category(bpd, crazies, etc).

In this category, I normally would sample at a max 3-4 per year. No more then that. And not more then 5 encounters.

This is to insulate myself from being influenced by them.

But they r massively exciting, I had one who wanted to fvck while we were both climbing up a mountain, some wanted it in a waterfall. Every fantasy you have they're up to it. It's that good so I do understand why u r attracted to them.

But you need 2 set boundaries brother. Not on a crazy, but on urself. It's because a crazy just changes too fast to keep up, if you try you'll be svcked into a whirlpool of pain.

 

[Red Legg]

I'll honestly tell you this Red, how I'm not affected by women, I categorised women and by doing so I mentally prepare myself to act in a certain fashion according to those categories.

There's a Wild category(bpd, crazies, etc).

In this category, I normally would sample at a max 3-4 per year. No more then that. And not more then 5 encounters.

This is to insulate myself from being influenced by them.

But they r massively exciting, I had one who wanted to fvck while we were both climbing up a mountain, some wanted it in a waterfall. Every fantasy you have they're up to it. It's that good so I do understand why u r attracted to them.

But you need 2 set boundaries brother. Not on a crazy, but on urself. It's because a crazy just changes too fast to keep up, if you try you'll be svcked into a whirlpool of pain.

I'm not in pain at all (my c0ck is in mourning ) just pulling back a wee bit...I took waay to many hits off the BPD crack pipe and overdosed..she was hot and it was tight...I wasn't totally destroyed because I use distance (geographically) as my defense mechanism.

 

[Spaz]

I'm not in pain at all (my c0ck is in mourning ).

Hahaha

Find another one. Wild times ahead...

 

[Spaz]

I've sensed it for a few weeks now LA, through ur posts. U either subconsciously or consciously knew it was unfolding.

There's much we need 2 discuss and you'd be a big help towards it. There's no other expressive's here that's reached ur level of success.

 

[smokeforfun]

Day 2 after I came out so needy that she simply stop talking to me. I would like to know what is she thinking about. I kinda start to feel like she banged someone else, because prior to this stop she was a bit sexual in conversation. I failed to seize the spark. Actually I just remembered that prior to this she told me about feeling like her cycle is coming. Hmm.
Don’t know, but I hit the gym so hard, sticked to diet and it feels so good. Too bad I don’t like fat girls, otherwise I would have also smashed something. Meh.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 26

Think less, do more. Thinking is one of the great traps in post-breakup depression.

Many men, when they find themselves feeling low after a breakup, indulge in two types of unhelpful thinking. First they dwell on and brood over the loss and the problems arising from it; and second, they 'introspect' - in other words they think too much about where they might have gone wrong. Some introspection is fine as it is needed to grow and transcend one's previous behaviours and patterns of thinking, but as a general rule, too much thinking doesn't do us any good, especially immediately following a breakup. It digs us deeper into the swamp we are trying to climb out of. Action, on the other hand, is usually helpful.

So always default to action. Always.

 

[smokeforfun]

Day 4
After day 3 was so full I was just able to breathe, today I’m seeing someone else.
In the morning I was thinking of sending her my last line, but I’m going to wait for a week.
I have just had a great back training, had chinese food and got baked, now I’m at work.
I do not know why typing my **** here makes me feel so good, like when I write about it I think very critical of my actions (in a positive way) to find out how can I improve them. And sometimes somebody tells me something that really helps me clarify various situations.

 

[Spaz]

I appreciate it, yes it was definitely apparent from my posting. Basically all my women evaporated and a long distance girl was the last one left, at which point through love bombing got to me(seemed very authentic eventually.) Then she got bored and strung me along for a few months, I noticed it early but ended it because it was becoming laughable with the bare minimum maintenance love spam texts. The red flags were always there (so many that I'd be embarrassed to list them here...proven hypergamy, disaster upbringing, MH issues etc). I just never had it in me to really care about that with her, all the protective codependent instincts came back from a decade ago.

To be honest, I'd never fault someone for choosing another person (still friends with some exes) and any LDR is 1% likelihood of success, but its hard to wrap your head around them just openly manipulating you like that.

You wanted it to work - reading between the lines of ur past postings.

I get it. And it's perfectly natural.

Would you be open to try it differently ?

Meaning the now you, the frame u r in, into another frame ?

 

[Spaz]

With her? I tried to reframe and intended to actually but the blatant exploitation of her love-bombing me with professions of love, poems etc then disappearing got to be too disrespectful and emotionally disruptive.

I brought it up hot cold treatment very early on and she made excuses, then finally admitted she was losing interest. My regret is she didn't treat me with respect, she could have dumped me on any grounds and I would have enjoyed the usually inevitable bittersweet ending to what we had and reminisced well, but she just HAD to string me along...

When caught most women might say this; I string you along because I'm unsure abt my feelings 4 you, that's why I drag you through the uncertainties, dramas, chaos, and confusions of my life.

I've heard this often enough from women that I've slept with in which they confided in me the contents of their texting to their 1/2 boyfriends, when they were caught stringing them, going ghost for hours, day, perhaps even weeks.

It's all bullshiet.

They say it not because they care 4 your feelings.

They say it because they don't want to feel bad abt themselves.

They string you along because you handed over your power.