The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Dingo]

Day 30

We all have problems. No one is unique in this. Last night I had to deal with some very distressing news in relation to my family about a predicament that has been worsening for some time, does not seem to have an easy solution nor seems to be moving towards a happy ending. I don't want to derail the purpose of this thread. Neither do I wish to indulge the darkness by writing about it accept to say that it is causing me immense sorrow. So how does it relate to the journey we are all on together in this thread?

My ex was my primary confidant in these times. She was the one who would encourage me and act as a rock in these moments of despair. For that one reason I missed her immensely last night, but did not feel tempted to reach out. Not having her around left me lost. I woke up this morning with the feeling that everything was dead.

But I did not indulge the beast. I let myself feel the nothingness and sense of loss for 5 minutes. Then I forced myself to get up, take a shower. No appetite to speak of, but again I forced myself to eat breakfast, almost having to hold back the gagging reflex. then I read through some NC posts and watched a few funny videos on YouTube before heading out to work.

It HAS to be mind over body. The only other option is death of the spirit. If I allow myself to be consumed by the darkness it will destroy me. I have seen people thrown into the pits of depression never to fully return. I must acknowledge that I allowed her to be my principal source of happiness because of the emptiness in my own life caused by the distorted motivations I had set for myself.

"Day 30" should be perceived as a milestone and day of celebration and in that vein I look to the light. I will learn to accept the beauty in a new sense of purpose. I will find inner peace.

Courage my friend...

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 31

Over yesterday's hump. Feeling good today. Got a busy weekend ahead in terms of sorting out side business related activities. No plans for a night out. I need to recharge my batteries from Italy.

My father saw his first dead body at 10 years old. My Uncle spent half a decade in a cell for slicing another man's arm off with a machete. I saw that same Uncle when I was about 12, in the morgue with half his head blown off from a gun at close range. The same blood runs through me. As if I'm going to come anywhere close to crumbling because of some chick! This is nothing.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

You are giving sympathy to the devil here... She is not the pathological ex of this story, I am. I have no animosity to her and no reason to have any. But any fears and anger she has of me would be valid and rational. She tried very hard, she cared and I just tore at her. Sometimes I even enjoyed doing it. Your exes have nothing on me...

I am not contacting my ex not for me but for her. I am impermeable if I wish to be. But she is not. She deserves a chance to be happy. This is my one selfless act I can do for her, out of respect. I just got bit wrapped up in my head. Between meeting another self aware case which was like seeing a mirror of myself, helping person who was a victim of a sociopathic relationship on the other forums, and finding the poems my ex wrote to me. All that made me desire to contact her, I do not even know why anymore... But I know that is not the most rational choice.

There is some component of love which is absent in cluster B personality disorders, a missing piece. There is nothing for this, there is no filling that absence, though we try. That is why I tell you all that your BPD exes can never be fixed. They are like a machine missing a part, you can try to fix them but they will never be complete. The problem is when people with Cluster B are self aware, they begin to realize this (very few reach this kind of awareness)... It is very frustrating... Most regress when faced with this or deny it... I just get frustrated...

Interesting. So see, you're not a totally heartless monster. I've thought about getting a tattoo on my arm of the grim reaper on one knee crying, so as to show very few things are pure good or pure evil in life.

In that case, it's a bit refreshing that every once in a while even the demon's knees buckle. Unproductive as it is I've often wondered if she ever gotten drunk and cried over a pillow for me any night in the last year.

 

[BeTheChange]

Interesting. So see, you're not a totally heartless monster. I've thought about getting a tattoo on my arm of the grim reaper on one knee crying, so as to show very few things are pure good or pure evil in life.

In that case, it's a bit refreshing that every once in a while even the demon's knees buckle. Unproductive as it is I've often wondered if she ever gotten drunk and cried over a pillow for me any night in the last year.

Bro BPDs are not devoid of emotion. They just love and hate with the utmost intensity from what I understand. Someone described BPDs as the feminine in its purest form. Impulsive and a complete slave to their emotional state. I can agree with that.

@Asmodeus One thing mentioned about BPDs is their splitting mechanism (e.g. they either adore you or you're nothing to them) however I haven't really noticed this dynamic with you and your ex based on your posts. If she was "painted black" by you then shouldn't we be seeing more posts by yourself in complete disdain of her?

 

[Asmodeus]

@Asmodeus One thing mentioned about BPDs is their splitting mechanism (e.g. they either adore you or you're nothing to them) however I haven't really noticed this dynamic with you and your ex based on your posts. If she was "painted black" by you then shouldn't we be seeing more posts by yourself in complete disdain of her?[/QUOTE]
Nobody is devoid of emotion. BPD show a grand range of emotions. No single category of psychiatric illness is devoid of emotions. They just differ in tempo.

I am not quite like the BPD cases, similar in many ways but a bit different... ASPD is so similar, but yet different. I do split things, but not in the same exact way... I split weak and strong and have a disdain for what I would perceive as weakness in people. I had disdain for my ex for what I saw as hers. In fact, once she said she loved me... I grabbed her hair, pulled it (I am incredibly strong so she is lucky it all did not rip straight out of her scalp). Told her she was delusional... Told her, her emotions weakened her and turned her into a little *****. Told her that she was not special, told her to never feel she was special again. Because she said she loved me, and because I felt that she was weak for saying it... I hurt her because she loved... I think I was trying to tell her something, to prove to her how bad her own emotions were causing her to suffer. The only way I thought I could prove it was to show it, a display.
People like me always have to think, consider, be aware of ourselves. Think of every action done and think about it not in our own mind, try to reassess things we do and think. Same with BPD... Cluster B are not evil, just out of touch with reality in the way you understand it. They are victims of their condition every bit as much as those affected by their actions.
I never quite idealized her. I cannot describe it, but I was able to remove her humanity from her. To see her as less than something human. That is a kind of devaluation. To see her as an object. An object can be owned. But it was not always such, sometimes I did care for her sometimes I did not... But I do not know why and why not. It is hard to explain I am not sure what my mindset was and still is, it is kind of scrambled and even if I understood it I do not think I could have it make sense to those without the capacity to comprehend it and see it as I do. It is complex.
I may have had disdain for her in some ways, perhaps still the weakness I see in her. But I reached an awareness that few do. I understand myself. Also keep in mind, I am perhaps the most high functioning that I can possibly attain for my kind of diagnosis. To sum it up... I cannot change the way I feel, but I can change the way I behave.

very few things are pure good or pure evil in life.

Good and evil... Absurd concepts. The US claims justice in WW2 but if Hitler had won he would have claimed justice and called his actions good. Good and evil are only seen through personal views and opinions. We all rationalize and alter our beliefs based upon our own perception of reality. You have to reason, think logically, look at things objectively and be more aware of the world around you. There have been serial killers like Jim Jones who thought what they did was good and truly believed it (heck ISIS believes what they do is good).

In that case, it's a bit refreshing that every once in a while even the demon's knees buckle. Unproductive as it is I've often wondered if she ever gotten drunk and cried over a pillow for me any night in the last year.

Maybe, or maybe she is so caught in her delusion and completely unaware of herself. If she is aware, if she understands herself as being BPD and looks at her actions as such then maybe she would see what she did to you as something she caused. I can fully understand why one would choose to ignore what they understand of themselves. It is so much easier to believe the lies we tell ourselves and our own fabrication of reality than to truly look past it all. It would be so much easier to blame you instead of understand the truth. I have tried to show the reality to Cluster B cases before, I have reasoned with them. But many do not want to believe, they know and understand it but they REFUSE to believe it. It is a defense mechanism. It is very hard to explain this... It is not normal thinking... I have been trying to tell this to psych professionals for a LONG time.

 

[FinallyFree]

I'm deluding myself into thinking I can have that "final talk" with her, where I force her to have flashbacks over the past 2 years and how we grew together. Some teary hug. Get her to break down and turn the tables.

Half of the delusion is that that I will convince her to get back into therapy and she will eventually act like she did when we first met.

Half of the delusion is just having sex with her and saying I own her one last time for the road.

The reality is:

- She craved constant abuse to relive her terrible childhood. She only found violation/abuse sexually arousing. That turned our relationship into more of a guilty addiction than an actual family atmosphere. I do not want this woman to parent my children, I do not want to wake up on Christmas morning 10 years from now and find the mother of my children self-harming or threatening to cheat on me, until I have unenjoyable/traumatizing sex with her. That is not my future.

- She is mentally different. She does not feel the same emotions as me. The word "love" to her means fear/respect. When I lost her fear/respect, she left. I need to draw this line.

- Nothing I did ever made her happy. If I acted like myself she ignored me until I was "sweet". As soon as I became "sweet" she used her power to devalue me and threaten to leave. All she got from the relationship was a sense of control, while totally ignoring my male needs. I was a lab rat. The goal of everything was to get me to lash out and abuse her so she could get off.

- She lied her ass off when we first met, and kept lying throughout the relationship. We may have been best friends and lovers simultaneously, but I still barely know her. The mask was always on. Chasing her is barely different from starting from scratch with someone else.

- Much of my fear/anxiety is that everyone is like her. That all extremely attractive women are mentally ill and abusive, that I have to choose between a fat ugly slob wife who gave up on themselves or a hot mentally ill mistress. Whether this is true or not, it shouldn't matter. I need to focus on ME, and maximize MY position, not lay in bed lamenting the state of the female gender. I can't invent new human beings. What's there is there. If I want to do something about it, get into genetic engineering.

- I'm far too involved with her to be part of any therapeutic process anymore. I mentioned therapy to her. That's all I can do. Dragging it on makes her LESS likely to go because she's contrary.

- Sex, even if it's me dominating her for revenge, would just result in even more attachment. Being attached to someone with untreated BPD is a slow suicide. Even if she got treatment it would be 5+ years before I had any happiness in my life, and there would be relapses, lack of trust. That's like voluntarily walking into a prison cell with Bubba and flushing the key down the toilet, but hoping he would eventually turn into

Stop. Contacting. Her. She is just like other women. She is an immature child with developed reproductive organs hanging off of her and not capable of male logic. That isn't sexism, it's biological reality. With the addition of BPD, I can't treat her like the woman she is. She wants to fight, she wants war and control, yet she wants me to be a dominant man. This is impossible.

- The very act of being friends with her would ruin my new "alpha" life because I can't unsee what she did to me in the past. This one empowers me the most. Even wanting to get back together with a woman who mistreated me that much completely cancels out the value of any "victory" over her, because it means I'm still dependent. The day we got back together is the day I'd sacrifice my own dignity once again through unconditional "forgiveness". I can never want her again.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 32

Woke up to a blow job from my second conquest since my return from Italy 4 days ago.

Could have been more but cancelled a date I had on Friday because I didn't see the girl as anything beyond a one night stand. I need to be ruthless in my character standards now. I don't think I will actively seek to bang anyone who I wouldn't go on a second date with.

Have a date tonight with a cutie. Black chick, which I don't normally go for, despite being black myself. But she is attractive so I said "hey why not let's expand those horizons". She seems keen and I have parred her off a few times so no doubt she will be happy she finally got me out. She is just following me along to my Salsa class and we will see what happens from there.

Got another random text from an Italiana chick. Apparently we have a date planned on Monday. I completely forgot. It's getting hard to keep track of these chicks. Phew..it's going to be a busy few months.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 33

Go fvck ten other women and see how unique and special your snowflake really is.

Gave myself a month to get centered and then went on a rampage. Now on 2/10 with several dates this week. No need to stretch myself or pursue women to the detriment of everything else in life so aiming for one fresh lay a week on average.

If I haven't banged a new chick by the end of each week I am going to see an escort instead. More than willing to develop an emotional connection with the right girl (accept the hoovers of course) since this is what it truly takes to realise all those unique experiences you shared that made her seem so special were really just bonding chemicals in your brain that can be reproduced with the next "special" one.

 

[BeTheChange]

Morning was a bit rough as I was thinking about the ex last night. Hit the gym as soon as I woke up and was fine after. Overall I am having one of my best days ever since the break up in terms of how I feel about myself and the world around me. We are here. Right now. Everything is an opportunity.

Everyday I am seeing more and more how fortunate I am. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm also realising that hitting the gym fairly often and seeking the path of self improvement almost immediately after the breakup has been instrumental in my recovery. If it weren't for that and my two weeks in Italy I don't think I'd be anywhere near as centred.

Saw my ex again today. It was an odd moment. Was taking the bins out and she walked straight past the gate. It took me a second or two to register who it was. She looked at me. I looked at her and then she walked past. No words spoken. I just went back to what I was doing. A ghost from the past. Shook me a bit but quickly went for a walk in the sun and reframed it in my mind. The reality is, she has nothing else going for her other than her looks and her ability to make men believe she is in love with them. I am so much better than her, when you strip away the facade. Everything that has happened up to this day is nothing more than an introduction in the story that will be my life after this point. She is nothing but a footnote on page 28. And I know for a fact that in years to come when I am smiling down at the mother of my children I will be forever glad I maintained my self respect and refused to chase a toxic woman who would have meant none of this could have happened.

I'm going to make sure I lift heavy five or six days a week with a cardio based rest day until at least day 60 to keep up the positive flow of endorphins, dopamine and testosterone. Got off from work early as the deal I'm working on doesn't kick off until tomorrow afternoon meetings. Spent the last few hours tidying my apartment and adding a few more things to turn it into the bachelor pad it deserves to be. Have a date tonight with a HB7 and another one on Wednesday evening with a HB8 who loves the gym, (which I can confirm from the pics I've seen!). Have a few other chicks interested so I may slot in a Friday night or Sunday evening date. Saturday is a no go since a few lads from my hometown are meeting up with the group of our friends who live in this city and we have a night of utter debauchery planned. This breakup is the best thing that ever happened to me. What a time to be alive!

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm on day 64 NC with my goal being that sideways 8 number thingy.... To infinity and beyond!!!

 

[Firestar786]

Will be 6 weeks this Thursday

To be honest I have pretty much forgot about her. Probably because I knew I was better off without her anyway lol

 

[alex_in24]

Hello Guys, long time no see!

Some of you might still remember me and my posts so you will know what i will talk about.

So its almost 5 months since my break up and 4 months of complete No contact. She didn't try to reach me, nor did I.

I don't know where to start...in these 5 months a lot of things have happened on my personal development. Positive things ofcourse. But lets leave that story for another time. Lets talk about my emotions towards my ex since its more interesting subject.

I don't miss her. I don't love her. I don't even stalk her on fb or insta or snap or whatever since it doesnt bother me anymore. I dont know what she is up to, nor did I have seen her. 1-2 times in a month im having dreams about her but thats it. Im not mentioning her anymore to my friends and im not comparing another girls to her anymore.

But there is one thing ofcourse that still bothers me, and it sucks i know that.. I feel some kind of anger, i dunno if its towards her or myself. Thats because i found out so many things about her past before me (negative ones, slu tty ones). And these things come to me so fvcking random. I didn't even wanted to try to know them but the wheel spins, and everything is found out. I feel anger because the ideal i made of her, isnt quite compatible to the real her! I was in a relationship with a girl that presented herself in sooo different way than she actually was. And that fvcking bothers me. Its like i could go back into time, and break up with her first. Yeah i know that this is a revenge fantasy but fvck it, thats what i feel right now, because i dated a biiiiig slu t apparently..

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 34

My ex asked me, "Where you movin'?" I said, "On to better things".

- Drake, 10 Bands

 

[BeTheChange]

Missing her. Don't want her back or anything like that.

Just missing her company. I think what makes it that little bit harder for me is the fact that we lived together and spent so much time in each other's company. She almost certainly has her replacement boyfriend because she is not mentally strong enough to stand on her own. I guess as far as she is concerned us men are all interchangeable. That doesn't work for me. I lost my best friend as lame as it sounds to say it. Going out and meeting new people isn't going to change that loss. Not really writing with any kind of solution in mind except to say it is what it is.

Overall I'm happy with life but I wanted to make this post just so it's clear that although I've been trying to stay positive and look on the bright side of things, it doesn't completely numb the pain. No amount of reframing in my mind can absolve the fact that I lost someone, who for three years was a very important part of my life. But life goes on and the pain will eventually subside and will be replaced by something else. A greater version of me.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Hello Guys, long time no see!

Some of you might still remember me and my posts so you will know what i will talk about.

So its almost 5 months since my break up and 4 months of complete No contact. She didn't try to reach me, nor did I.

I don't know where to start...in these 5 months a lot of things have happened on my personal development. Positive things ofcourse. But lets leave that story for another time. Lets talk about my emotions towards my ex since its more interesting subject.

I don't miss her. I don't love her. I don't even stalk her on fb or insta or snap or whatever since it doesnt bother me anymore. I dont know what she is up to, nor did I have seen her. 1-2 times in a month im having dreams about her but thats it. Im not mentioning her anymore to my friends and im not comparing another girls to her anymore.

But there is one thing ofcourse that still bothers me, and it sucks i know that.. I feel some kind of anger, i dunno if its towards her or myself. Thats because i found out so many things about her past before me (negative ones, slu tty ones). And these things come to me so fvcking random. I didn't even wanted to try to know them but the wheel spins, and everything is found out. I feel anger because the ideal i made of her, isnt quite compatible to the real her! I was in a relationship with a girl that presented herself in sooo different way than she actually was. And that fvcking bothers me. Its like i could go back into time, and break up with her first. Yeah i know that this is a revenge fantasy but fvck it, thats what i feel right now, because i dated a biiiiig slu t apparently..

I can totally relate to this. I had one ex that I thought I would never get out of my system but found that by a couple of years of NC, somehow I was cured. I don't even have the lingering anger anymore. 2 years ago she re-initiated contact and I talk to her now on average once a month. She's re-married with a baby. I don't feel anything when I see a pic of her or interact with her. No longer want her to suffer so that's healthy for me.

My current day 65 NC, I'm not there yet. I have the same anger over lies and terrible behavior and there was never any big blow up to even get them out into the air. Just bottled up and it does eat at you. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and hope the love AND hatred both go away. I hope the hatred goes first but I'll take either one.

 

[Carpathian]

She reached out again, three times in a week after four months NC, basically asking me to go round and bang her for some "no questions asked" adult play time. I'm still going to ignore her. I have another woman going now (early days) and do not want to risk anything going bad with that by me being weak and succumbing to easy sexual temptation. What do you guys think? She is clearly trying to tempt me. There is no way I could ever have a serious relationship with this woman now, even though I like her in some ways. She is just not compatible with me as @LiveYourDream has told me multiple times. I could get drawn back into the destructive cycle if I were to fook her in a weak moment even though I may feel it is just a FWB hookup. I am doing really well at the minute and I am 99% where i was before. I don't think it would be a good idea. Appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Polysix]

Hello Guys, long time no see!

But there is one thing ofcourse that still bothers me, and it sucks i know that.. I feel some kind of anger, i dunno if its towards her or myself. Thats because i found out so many things about her past before me (negative ones, slu tty ones). And these things come to me so fvcking random. I didn't even wanted to try to know them but the wheel spins, and everything is found out. I feel anger because the ideal i made of her, isnt quite compatible to the real her! I was in a relationship with a girl that presented herself in sooo different way than she actually was. And that fvcking bothers me. Its like i could go back into time, and break up with her first. Yeah i know that this is a revenge fantasy but fvck it, thats what i feel right now, because i dated a biiiiig slu t apparently..

Hey Alex,
I read your posts here in the NC-thread, and I think you know the deal with BPD. So to me it seems there is only one thing left to do for you, or two:
1. Just forgive her. BPDs are pathological liars, almost have no self-concept or at least a very fragile one so they adopt yours, because they can´t be alone. From my experience with my BPD-Ex I think theese girls felt so much unimaginable pain in their childhood and even later in their down-peirods (feeling dpressed, lonly, empty) as adults, err in an adult body, because emotionally they are like 3-year old child. Ever seen a 3-year old child that has remorse or conscience or takes resposibility? No they just don´t have theese and BPDs don´t have it either because of this f@cked up disease, but so many Ex-Lovers of BPDs except them to have it. But it just won´t happen. Never! I think that´s also one of the points, why you won´t get any closure with theese girls. You just have to make it for own.

Another thing is about abandonment. They have been abandoned as childs. Just imagine the incredible pain. As chils they had no chance to do anything against the
life-threathing abuse they experienced! It is an existential fear of them to be abandoned, therefore they have to abandon you in a break up not the other way round, it´s essential for their survival! I hope you get what I mean, they have to win, they have to be in control, as little child they had no control. Of course I´m no psychologist, but as psychologists usually don´t deal with BPDs in the context of a love relationship, how should they know better than a guy or a girl that was in love with a BPD?
At least the above written is my own point of view, it helped me to forgive her, she doesn´t know better, but I know.
2. Just forgive yourself for thinking you have being fooled.
Man this is a PickUp forum here, you get the tools to seduce some nice woman and BPDs are somehow just Naturals. However BPDs as emotionally 3 year old childs in a mature body are not aware of that they seduce with destructive and dangerous consequences for their loved ones.
So if you get out alive of such a toxic rs. Be happy and don´t be so serious about who did the break up first or even about being fooled?
All this "I wish I break up with her first." stuff is just an EGO-thing (in my opinion this applies to rs with BPDs or NONs). Detach your emotions and your EGO and you are free. Just get over it, fastlane has some nice posts here to do it.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/#post-2332401
Take your own responsibility and don´t play the blame game!

The other day I had a fortune cookie with a nice saying
'Love is a game in which both players cheat.'

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 35

I'm not going to lie. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had since beginning NC. It was a combination of a few things. Being back at work, not having been to the gym that day, flaky plates, missing my ex massively, realising she really isn't coming back, accepting that I never really knew a girl I spent three years with (the BPD mask rarely slipped), coming to terms with the fact that if she did come back I wouldn't want her right now anyway, that it was OVER. I found myself having to go to the toilet at work to briefly cry. I also cried before I fell asleep. I weep not because I need her but because I miss her, or atleast the image of her in my mind, immensely. It's akin to my mother passing away. It really does take a break up for you to realize how weak you've become. Thankfully, I was never like this during the relationship so she will never know how much pain she is causing me or that she had this power over me. I KNOW it would make her happy to read this. That is how fvcked up she is. She was my Carmen.

Part of it is ATTITUDE. I've had issues with consistently internalising a positive outlook all my life. But I do find the gym helps immensely in this. Until I ride this post breakup wave to the end I need to be in the gym sweating everyday.

I woke up at 4 am this morning. Worked on some business related stuff for an hour, hit the gym, showered, had breakfast and now I'm on the way to work. Feel much better.

The sun is shining and I can do anything I want. I don't need to worry about building a family or babies. My ex openly spoke about wanting a baby and although she insisted she would stick to my planned schedule (no baby for at least the next 5 years!) she watched far too many couples with babies on YouTube for it not to have been a possibility sooner than that. I want to quit my job and take my business full time. That needs to be my new focus alongside my social life. I have to be able to do both for my own sanity.

I will get through this. I promised myself that yesterday is the worst day I will ever have until I am over my ex. It's all in my head. It's my choice to feel sad or happy. And I choose happiness.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Day 1
Aaand i'm back on this thread and forum haha. I found this forum on april last year after my gf of 3 years dumped me. F her no contact for at least a year now!
Buuuut now i'm back here cause i met a cute 23 years old virgin (im 33) and things ended yesterdAy after 7 months. I love her, she loves me but it isnt working. Our personnalities dont quite fit and I guess the age gap doesnt help.
Now im 33 SINGLE AGAIN and I'm tired of all this. Im starting to feel like I must be the problem, which is not true, i have improved so much since last april.
I just feel that I was stupid to drop a 23years old girl that was cute, smart (master in genetics) and was giving me awesome sex. But i found her so annoying... ****

Could've spent less time...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Could've spent less time...

Could've spent a lot less time with her and made it more of a priority of boning. Just keep your schedule busy. A lot of folks will have quirks and things that may bother us, but it's for us to prioritize whats important for us in the situation and make sure we get what we need.