The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Carpathian]

I posted yesterday - on my birthday - that she sent me a Happy Birthday message the first I have heard from her since start of June (she dumped me end of March). I ignored this message.
Well, I saw her last night in the same diner. I went with my family to celebrate my birthday and she was there with a friend of hers. She had her back to me but I got eye contact from her friend who knows me well so she must have told my ex I was in there. I can't help but feel she was in there in case I came in - she knows I go there lots. This is the first time I have seen her in person for over three months and I am very happy that I felt great, this did not knock me off balance and I have no hang-ups about seeing her. Three months ago seeing her upset me because I was missing her terribly. But now it does not. I'm happy, I have a better woman and life is good for me, thanks be. I do not need her and her erratic, unpredictable behavior upsetting me and my life.

 

[BeTheChange]

Three months ago seeing her upset me because I was missing her terribly.

This seems to be my problem. When I came back from Italy on Tuesday I felt so centred. I had genuinely forgiven her and felt a sense of indifference. But just seeing her for 10 seconds on that evening, not even 30 minutes after I got home, really seems have shook me. She looked so beautiful in that moment. It's so frustrating because I genuinely thought I was over the hump. I can't quite place the emotion but whatever it is, isn't going away. She is on my mind again constantly.

I need some help to get rid of this. I've lost my appetite and have this perpetual ache in my chest. I tell myself that she is a poor human being and that I am doing myself a disservice by still allowing her to have this power over my emotional state after almost a month but it either doesn't work or its impact is incredibly temporary. I even had to take a bathroom break at work this morning just to have a cry. I physically broke down in tears in the disabled toilets. You could not make this up.

Can't seem to shake this feeling and it is really getting me down.

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange She was your sexual partner who you loved and cherished at one time. You spent a long time with her, loved her and shared many great experiences together, despite bouts of turmoil you've discussed in your story. You are not going to get over this woman quickly, especially with her being BPD and that effect on you. Don't beat yourself up about it brother. It is the same with me too. We will never look at them as just a "woman" ever again. At one point you/me loved them and they were "our" women we adored and loved. Strange isn't it that our seeing them takes us back to the happy times with? It never seems to take us back to the horrible times. We look at the past through rose-tinted glasses. But these glasses conceal reality and they lie to us. Understand this brother.

These feelings cannot just be turned off quickly or overnight. It will take time, maybe many more months. Maybe years. I may (probably will) have a relapse too at some point. I do miss her still, her laugh, her smile, sex with her.... But I do not miss her unpredictable, mean behaviors. Maybe my finding a level-headed, sane, intelligent and beautiful new woman-friend in the five months since the ex dumped has helped me get over the ex better. But I feel good that I dealt with last night's situation the way I did.

Hang in there brother.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Carpathian

Thanks brother. I will get through this. The darkness has past and I seem to be ok again now. There are and will continue to be ups and downs, no doubt, but overall I am happier now than at the beginning of this journey. I have faced worst crisis in my life and overcome them.

Through the clouds I can see the sun.

 

[BeTheChange]

Sometimes it takes a moment of clarity to really put things in perspective.

Have I lost my job? Nope.

Am I financially worse off? Nope! In fact she paid towards the Italy trip she never went on and already paid me rent in advance, before she had her meltdown and moved out (Thanks babe! Haha!)

I still have my health.

I still have my family.

I still have my friends.

I still have my looks, confidence and game since I never stopped improving myself physically in the gym and still gamed girls from time to time

Has this been a life changing and necessary learning experience? Hell yes. I would never have been the great man I am destined to be if not for this event.

What have a I really lost here?

Love and attention, which we know was a mirage. I can get the more healthy kind from a better adjusted woman.

A toxic psycho of an LTR, who is doomed to repeat her make up break up BPD cycles for the next ten to twenty years unless she wises up (doubtful).

That is it. That is actually ALL I have "lost".

Hmmmmm....not quite the soul-destroying loss we consider it to be!

There will be down days, as with any relationship but honestly this IS still one of the best thing that ever happened to me.

Big Sean put it best:

I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic
Then you post it up, thinkin' that its makin' me sick
I see you calling, I be makin' it quick
I'mma answer that sh*t like: "I don't f*ck with you"
B*tch I got no feelings to go
I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go
I mean for real, f*ck how you feel
F*ck your two cents if it ain't goin' towards the bill, yeah
And everyday I wake up celebratin' sh*t, why?
Cause I just dodged a bullet from a crazy b*tch
I stuck to my guns, that's what made me rich
That's what put me on, that's what got me here
That's what made me this

 

[xstang77]

Just saw my ex's car driving by on my way home with probably her new man driving it,still hit me like a wrecking ball....if karma could step in any time now that'd be great.

 

[Asmodeus]

That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...

Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.

So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.

What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?

So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....

I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...

 

[Asmodeus]

^Nevermind... Just being a fvcking pvssy @$$ b!tch there for a post. A bit too much booze and $hit. Do not mind...

 

[xstang77]

That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...

Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.

So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.

What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?

So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....

I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...

I know this indifference stage you speak of,I'm at the same page on what's the point of even talking to her...just more bull**** and empty promises. This helps us stay nc, they say drunk words are sober thoughts my friend,were only human for the most part.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

That is it I fvcking cracked. NC day I lost count...

Thinking about my ex... Reading her poems... Funny, I never felt much about these words she wrote till now. Why is it only in retrospect that I care? I do not know why I am thinking about her, I do not love her. I know I do not love her, this is fact and I know this. Is it guilt, me feeling sorry? Is it some kind of respect I have for her some desire to see her become something great? Or is this a pathology twisting my senses, is this what I feel? Is this must me being selfish and desiring her back out of a feeling of ownership I have? What is it... I do not understand.

So I am doing no contact for a different reason... Because contacting would be bad. She needs to be free, she needs to focus on herself, she is a good girl and she should find a great guy for her. She has that capacity, her dream she has exists but I would play no part in that. I realize this.

What would me saying anything to her do? She has no reason to trust me, she should not have. Furthermore, even if she did what would it do? Give false hope? What would an apology do? I can live with what happened, many people apologize to make themselves feel better but it would not work that way for me and it is wholly unnecessary. I do not want to humanize myself, I think her identifying me as the issue and understanding it is best for her. I injected the notion that things were her fault before, I do not want those notions to arise. There are not words that will fix this, there are no words here that will change anything. Why do I feel a yearning? Do I miss the chaos, the drama, the sex, something about her?

So here I sit... Reading... Like some fvcking weirdo. Reading feelings and emotions put to words just so that I can try to extract some kind of understanding of a feeling from them. Crushing my hand against a solid cinderblock wall because that is an emotion I understand best for this, I am not sure that is the right feeling. I do not have to do this, I realize this. But this connects me to my humanity, and I do not want to lose that. And now I sound like a soapy pvssy fggt... I think if I saw myself I would kick the crap out of myself for being such a bittch. Why is it whenever I begin to feel any semblance of sadness or guilt it instead tuns to rage? I envy you....

I cannot contact her... I should not contact her. Any urge I have of doing so must be snuffed out. It is the most rational thing...

Never seen your knees buckle like this Asmodeus - never even knew you were in a NC scenario. Listen man, you're an elite poster around here and are usually one of those lifting others up, not one of those needing to be carried. You are entitled to a day like this once in a while and I encourage you to embrace it, not to supress it. Do not feel the need to brush it off after like it was fake. What you felt was real.

I really can't stand the "life coach" approach that life is all wine and roses. We all are alone at times. Facing it intoxicated hurts like hell. Facing it sober is sometimes worse because the pain is so real. You'll bury your face in your hands and feel pain, regret, and confusion pulse through your veins. This is normal. Life is not one long vacation. I believe the vast majority of people spend most of their lives navigating and plowing through a light-moderate depression. Of course if this becomes perpetual, seek help, but I'm not worried about this with you.

Read my posts from 2013. They were a pathetic display of helplessness from the demon who sent me here. Hell, read my posts from just this June (a mere 2 months ago.) They are objectively less pathetic but as it was post-red pill but I was still pining for her big time on my bday. A few days later I trashed some furniture in my house but guess what, I'm better now than I was then and really don't feel the need to talk about her or ask questions anymore.

Go easy on yourself big fella. You are a beast.

 

[Carpathian]

She has texted me twice these last two days after three months NC. I have ignored both of them and will ignore further ones too. I think ignoring them like this makes their hamster spin and they worry that maybe I am not so readily available as she thought. I think she thought she'd send a text and I'd jump on it, and I haven't. I've moved on from her, little does she know.
I think saying nothing actually says everything.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Carpathian

Yes! Your silence will send a stronger message than ANYTHING you could say to her. Let her see that you are a man of value, a man who is not willing to compromise your standards for anyone. She had a good thing, and let it go, most likely to find her next victim. This is her attempt to see if she still has control over you. Laugh at her. In fact you should have nothing but pity for her. When you see her it should be the way in which Warren Buffet looks at a beggar in the streets. She is so far below you that she cannot even see your smile of amusement from above.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 30

We all have problems. No one is unique in this. Last night I had to deal with some very distressing news in relation to my family about a predicament that has been worsening for some time, does not seem to have an easy solution nor seems to be moving towards a happy ending. I don't want to derail the purpose of this thread. Neither do I wish to indulge the darkness by writing about it accept to say that it is causing me immense sorrow. So how does it relate to the journey we are all on together in this thread?

My ex was my primary confidant in these times. She was the one who would encourage me and act as a rock in these moments of despair. For that one reason I missed her immensely last night, but did not feel tempted to reach out. Not having her around left me lost. I woke up this morning with the feeling that everything was dead.

But I did not indulge the beast. I let myself feel the nothingness and sense of loss for 5 minutes. Then I forced myself to get up, take a shower. No appetite to speak of, but again I forced myself to eat breakfast, almost having to hold back the gagging reflex. then I read through some NC posts and watched a few funny videos on YouTube before heading out to work.

It HAS to be mind over body. The only other option is death of the spirit. If I allow myself to be consumed by the darkness it will destroy me. I have seen people thrown into the pits of depression never to fully return. I must acknowledge that I allowed her to be my principal source of happiness because of the emptiness in my own life caused by the distorted motivations I had set for myself.

"Day 30" should be perceived as a milestone and day of celebration and in that vein I look to the light. I will learn to accept the beauty in a new sense of purpose. I will find inner peace.

 

[Carpathian]

@Carpathian

Yes! Your silence will send a stronger message than ANYTHING you could say to her. Let her see that you are a man of value, a man who is not willing to compromise your standards for anyone. She had a good thing, and let it go, most likely to find her next victim. This is her attempt to see if she still has control over you. Laugh at her. In fact you should have nothing but pity for her. When you see her it should be the way in which Warren Buffet looks at a beggar in the streets. She is so far below you that she cannot even see your smile of amusement from above.

You know I agree with you, pity is the correct word; I am stable and can love another - she clearly cannot. I will not be subjected to another cycle of that nonsense, even more so now that I have met someone else. What is it about these crazy exes though? We discussed it yesterday. I am really in a good place at the moment and I am very happy but they somehow have a magnet attached to us, inexorably trying to exert influence. We are well-read and intelligent men here and we know better but emotions and attraction towards a woman - even though we know they are not good for us - are a very powerful combination.

"But I did not indulge the beast." Very wise words.

 

[Tony197]

Day 16 - No Contact
Day 3 - No social media snooping

Saw this week that she was "FB Official" with a new dude - a grand total of two months after we broke up (oh, and I took her on a nice vacation).

Rebound? Don't care.
Overlap? Don't care.
GIGS? Don't care.
Falling apart because she misses me so bad? Don't care.
Will she get back in touch down the road? Still care...but not caring gives me something to work for.

If she is going to kill a strong relationship with me just so she can be "FB official" with a doofus (seriously, dude's a beta ****), she's immature, insecure and maybe even a liar. Guess she got exhausted dating a man, so wanted to date a boy.

9.5/10 people would tell her she's being a fool. The 0.5/10 don't know me.

I've not been myself these past few months, but at least I've kept my **** together online and in front of others. She's making a spectacle of herself, and broadcasting to the world that she's a silly little flake. I ain't got time for that ****.

NOTE TO NOOBS - Don't make my mistakes. Don't contact. Don't social snoop. Block all her social profiles. You'll eventually feel so much better. Anytime you think about snooping or contacting her, ask yourself - Would The Rock do this? The answer is "No." And every woman wants The Rock.

 

[BeTheChange]

Decided that once I reach Day 60 I am going to take an extended leave from sosuave and also any article, sites,etc that discuss women or BPDs, except to update my "Life" thread, which I may actually just work on offline.

My reason being is that although it's great to talk about break up "feelings" and read up on BPD threads since it aids understanding of yourself and the dynamics of the relationship you were in, it is basically indirectly continuing to fixate on someone who no longer gives a crap about you. Seriously. These chicks are long over us. It just doesn't seem right to continue to (indirectly) allow them to be a focus in any capacity. Just my opinion of course.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

She has texted me twice these last two days after three months NC. I have ignored both of them and will ignore further ones too. I think ignoring them like this makes their hamster spin and they worry that maybe I am not so readily available as she thought. I think she thought she'd send a text and I'd jump on it, and I haven't. I've moved on from her, little does she know.
I think saying nothing actually says everything.

That's right. Don't budge an inch.

 

[xstang77]

Day 42. Still suprised she messaged me last Saturday after exactly a month since I ignored her last message,funny she even changed her profile picture to a seductive picture of just her and not her and the new sucker when she did it, kinda bummed about that possibly being able to hate **** her that night, oh well I'm sure she just needed something or wanted to win having the last word since I have pretty good. Still bummed but even Through all the loneliness I know I can never have a relationship with her again nor do I want to,I'm sure her new r/s is starting to lose its spark, wish I could still turn off feelings like i used to, oh well I'm opening back up to dating not as crazy girls.

 

[xstang77]

Another update,just got a message from her saying "who is this? Random number in my phone?" Lol I've had the same number the whole 2 years we were together,she knows I'm not that dumb,from the sounds of it she probably said it to make it look like she doesn't even remember me anymore,especially since I've ignored her.

 

[Asmodeus]

Never seen your knees buckle like this Asmodeus - never even knew you were in a NC scenario. Listen man, you're an elite poster around here and are usually one of those lifting others up, not one of those needing to be carried. You are entitled to a day like this once in a while and I encourage you to embrace it, not to supress it. Do not feel the need to brush it off after like it was fake. What you felt was real.

I really can't stand the "life coach" approach that life is all wine and roses. We all are alone at times. Facing it intoxicated hurts like hell. Facing it sober is sometimes worse because the pain is so real. You'll bury your face in your hands and feel pain, regret, and confusion pulse through your veins. This is normal. Life is not one long vacation. I believe the vast majority of people spend most of their lives navigating and plowing through a light-moderate depression. Of course if this becomes perpetual, seek help, but I'm not worried about this with you.

Read my posts from 2013. They were a pathetic display of helplessness from the demon who sent me here. Hell, read my posts from just this June (a mere 2 months ago.) They are objectively less pathetic but as it was post-red pill but I was still pining for her big time on my bday. A few days later I trashed some furniture in my house but guess what, I'm better now than I was then and really don't feel the need to talk about her or ask questions anymore.

Go easy on yourself big fella. You are a beast.

You are giving sympathy to the devil here... She is not the pathological ex of this story, I am. I have no animosity to her and no reason to have any. But any fears and anger she has of me would be valid and rational. She tried very hard, she cared and I just tore at her. Sometimes I even enjoyed doing it. Your exes have nothing on me...

I am not contacting my ex not for me but for her. I am impermeable if I wish to be. But she is not. She deserves a chance to be happy. This is my one selfless act I can do for her, out of respect. I just got bit wrapped up in my head. Between meeting another self aware case which was like seeing a mirror of myself, helping person who was a victim of a sociopathic relationship on the other forums, and finding the poems my ex wrote to me. All that made me desire to contact her, I do not even know why anymore... But I know that is not the most rational choice.

There is some component of love which is absent in cluster B personality disorders, a missing piece. There is nothing for this, there is no filling that absence, though we try. That is why I tell you all that your BPD exes can never be fixed. They are like a machine missing a part, you can try to fix them but they will never be complete. The problem is when people with Cluster B are self aware, they begin to realize this (very few reach this kind of awareness)... It is very frustrating... Most regress when faced with this or deny it... I just get frustrated...