The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
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BeTheChange
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In the final weeks she often "joked" about going "a few days" without taking the pill (laughing while she was saying it) and even despite all the bullsh*t that happened in the final weeks was talking about how she wanted to have kids with me soon.
BeTheChange
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From: http://www.waking-you-up.com/cluster-B.html
Stage Five: Release
Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.
Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.
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Quite interesting. My ex always talked about a best friend she had in school who for some reason she just dropped like she was nothing. I wonder if I'll be the next one.
Stage Five: Release
Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.
Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.
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Quite interesting. My ex always talked about a best friend she had in school who for some reason she just dropped like she was nothing. I wonder if I'll be the next one.
Carpathian
Senior Don Juan
Some of you guys counting the time like @Gaysha thinking of this as day x of 90 have the wrong mindset. You should be thinking this is day X of the REST OF MY LIFE. Never contact the ex again, ever. Don't think of it as a 90 day period you have to endure until a possible ex reach-out.
Wrong mindset dude. What do you mean "another 6.5 weeks to go?" That suddenly everything is going to be fine come 6.5 weeks time and you'll have no further emotions then? That day in 6.5 weeks comes and goes, what then? That everything will be fine? Forget counting days like you are doing. Think long term that this is the new normal, until you get into a new relationship.1.5 weeks so far
Another 6.5 weeks to go
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
You can also try to drink and cover the pain, and it becomes a cycle that never ends.
BeTheChange
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Disagree with this. Going 60 days NC is an incredibly difficult challenge both physically and mentally. When you write a target down and work towards it then it becomes real and this is the whole point. Set yourself the baby step of 60 days NC. Then by the end you can think more clearly and set yourself more long term goals.
I also believe that 60 days NC is good because it's long but not too long. After 60 days NC you SHOULD NOT BE writing or talking about your ex on a regular basis here or anywhere else. 60 days is enough time to mourn, accept the loss and set yourself on the road to recovery.
Gaysha
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@Carpathian I am not counting days because I plan on contacting her after 90 days. It's just a set time, it's kind of easier when it's a deadline. In this 90 days I will heal and when they come to an end, I won't want to talk to her, I won't have any desire. I still have it now, a little, so that's why.
BeTheChange
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Day 5
Off sick today from work. Really missing the ex at the moment. It's little things that get me down like scrolling through Facebook, seeing a funny photo, wanting to share it with her and remembering I can't.
Off sick today from work. Really missing the ex at the moment. It's little things that get me down like scrolling through Facebook, seeing a funny photo, wanting to share it with her and remembering I can't.
Hang in there , delete her profile.
BeTheChange
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Did that a while ago. I'm referring to memes and stuff like that or funny videos (e.g a video of a cat in a humorous pose. Just stupid stuff you generally share with mates that make you laugh.
Anyway, here's a bit of motivational music that gets me going in the morning:
You can't not feel like a king after listening to this.
BeTheChange
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Letter arrived for my ex today (she hasn't told everyone her new address as recently moved out)
What should I do with it? Looks like it's from one of her family friends.
What should I do with it? Looks like it's from one of her family friends.
Return it to sender or chuck it in the bin!
BeTheChange
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Dragged myself to salsa last night and went to a spanish meetup this evening. Feels great to be getting out there and meeting new people. Plan is to hit a Spanish group class Tuesday, meal with a buddy Wednesday and Salsa on Thursday. On top of that my side business is going quite well. One of my clients just paid me $1000 for a completed project and strongly hinted at a need for an additional 4 projects worth a total of around $4000. I intend to use a lot of free time being single to really push the side business without losing track of my social life (since I don't have to split it around seeing a needy gf).
I plan to be out almost every night and manage the majority of projects coming in from the side business during my commute or on Saturday / Sunday mornings and afternoons.
I'm realising now that for the first time in my life I am at the stage where I am still young and have enough money and time to enjoy this city and the rest of the world. I want to get as much real life experience as possible. Life is good.
I plan to be out almost every night and manage the majority of projects coming in from the side business during my commute or on Saturday / Sunday mornings and afternoons.
I'm realising now that for the first time in my life I am at the stage where I am still young and have enough money and time to enjoy this city and the rest of the world. I want to get as much real life experience as possible. Life is good.
BeTheChange
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Day 6
Seem to be managing things quite well. Haven't had any overly depressive periods and generally very optimistic about the future.
Started looking for a new job and a lot of the hiring managers that seem to be interested in taking me on are paying much more than I'm on now.
One thing on my mind me is that I keep thinking about how hot my ex is going to look when she is back in London - bright blonde hair from the sun, tanned bronze skin, slim frame and a squat butt. I used to call her my Danish model during the summer. It bothers me A LOT that other guys are going to get the benefits of that body.
Seem to be managing things quite well. Haven't had any overly depressive periods and generally very optimistic about the future.
Started looking for a new job and a lot of the hiring managers that seem to be interested in taking me on are paying much more than I'm on now.
One thing on my mind me is that I keep thinking about how hot my ex is going to look when she is back in London - bright blonde hair from the sun, tanned bronze skin, slim frame and a squat butt. I used to call her my Danish model during the summer. It bothers me A LOT that other guys are going to get the benefits of that body.
BeTheChange
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I've realised the reason I'm still harbouring these thoughts is because in the back of my mind I'm still hoping she sees what she's done. That she understands what she is and actually makes a serious effort to change.
Unfortunately with society, family and friends all telling her she is blameless and a superstar who deserves much better than me it's unlikely she will change at all. I'm fact, she will probably get worse as a lot of the bad stuff she did has now been normalised.
Unfortunately with society, family and friends all telling her she is blameless and a superstar who deserves much better than me it's unlikely she will change at all. I'm fact, she will probably get worse as a lot of the bad stuff she did has now been normalised.
Gaysha
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Day 30.
Make yourself busy.
Today was all about music for me. Lots of albums on my computer, waiting for me to listen to them so I cleaned up a lot and downloaded lots of new ones... I'm really looking forward enjoying them.
I haven't done this in months (precisely - since the start of our relationship), I couldn't find time for it.
I'm gonna become a better person, with more experience, better taste in music, more movies watched, more everything.
Make yourself busy.
Today was all about music for me. Lots of albums on my computer, waiting for me to listen to them so I cleaned up a lot and downloaded lots of new ones... I'm really looking forward enjoying them.
I haven't done this in months (precisely - since the start of our relationship), I couldn't find time for it.
I'm gonna become a better person, with more experience, better taste in music, more movies watched, more everything.
BeTheChange
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BeTheChange
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Day 7
I’ve decided that under no circumstances will I ever contact her again, even after NC is over. If we ever have a chance whether a few months or a few years from now it has to be because she wants to change and because she wants this to work more than anything, although given her own psychological issues and inability to accept responsibility for her own actions I doubt this will ever happen. Nonetheless,these are my conditions:
1. Completion of the 60 day NC challenge
2. She has to have tried to reach out to me during a crisis moment and I must wait AT LEAST a month until after this point before speaking to her again and entertaining reconciliation
Let me explain this point. “Hey. How are you?” texts don’t count. She has to literally be begging to get back with me and even then I must let that anxiety stay at a peak.
One issue that I am now fully realising (and ironically I thought I was the one in control here) is that we would break up and I would not hear from her for anything from a day to a week or two. She would then be the one to come back, begging and crying and I would ALWAYS eventually take her back – normally at that moment or within a few days. So in her mind she BELIEVES that she can have her cake (commit all these sins against me, h*e around, etc) and as long as she grovels enough she can have me back because she is aware of the guilt I have for my own sins. And then she doesn't need to take responsibility for her own behaviour because it was "BeTheChange's fault anyway".
Without realising it, I have communicated to her that she can have me whenever she wants me on her terms. Yes, I may have been the instigator behind the decision for her to end the relationship several times before (e.g. anger, violence, etc) but ultimately she made the choice and any of her post breakup “pain” has been a result of missing me, something she has traditionally filled with at least one guy, rather than a genuine fear of loss.
IF she comes back, she needs to have felt true pain. She needs to genuinely believe she has lost me, possibly forever. I see nothing else that may motivate her to change. And if we do reconcile I want that to be a scar in her psyche that acts as a will to power and deters future poor behaviour, which brings me to my next point
3. She HAS to get therapy – I am pretty sure she may be Cluster B. If she shows a genuine desire to fix herself I may be willing to proceed with caution
4. I have to be emotionally involved with another woman (not necessarily exclusive) - I owe it to myself to give someone else a try
5. I have to have started my own therapy and anger management programme
I’ve decided that under no circumstances will I ever contact her again, even after NC is over. If we ever have a chance whether a few months or a few years from now it has to be because she wants to change and because she wants this to work more than anything, although given her own psychological issues and inability to accept responsibility for her own actions I doubt this will ever happen. Nonetheless,these are my conditions:
1. Completion of the 60 day NC challenge
2. She has to have tried to reach out to me during a crisis moment and I must wait AT LEAST a month until after this point before speaking to her again and entertaining reconciliation
Let me explain this point. “Hey. How are you?” texts don’t count. She has to literally be begging to get back with me and even then I must let that anxiety stay at a peak.
One issue that I am now fully realising (and ironically I thought I was the one in control here) is that we would break up and I would not hear from her for anything from a day to a week or two. She would then be the one to come back, begging and crying and I would ALWAYS eventually take her back – normally at that moment or within a few days. So in her mind she BELIEVES that she can have her cake (commit all these sins against me, h*e around, etc) and as long as she grovels enough she can have me back because she is aware of the guilt I have for my own sins. And then she doesn't need to take responsibility for her own behaviour because it was "BeTheChange's fault anyway".
Without realising it, I have communicated to her that she can have me whenever she wants me on her terms. Yes, I may have been the instigator behind the decision for her to end the relationship several times before (e.g. anger, violence, etc) but ultimately she made the choice and any of her post breakup “pain” has been a result of missing me, something she has traditionally filled with at least one guy, rather than a genuine fear of loss.
IF she comes back, she needs to have felt true pain. She needs to genuinely believe she has lost me, possibly forever. I see nothing else that may motivate her to change. And if we do reconcile I want that to be a scar in her psyche that acts as a will to power and deters future poor behaviour, which brings me to my next point
3. She HAS to get therapy – I am pretty sure she may be Cluster B. If she shows a genuine desire to fix herself I may be willing to proceed with caution
4. I have to be emotionally involved with another woman (not necessarily exclusive) - I owe it to myself to give someone else a try
5. I have to have started my own therapy and anger management programme
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Gaysha
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Day 31.
@BeTheChange
You're doing a bargaining. It's normal in the early phase of getting over break-up. I did the same thing - I was thinking would I accept her back if she asked and under which circumstances.
But after 31 days, I am really good at accepting things as they are. Our lives were intertwined for a certain amount of time but not anymore. I have my life so does she has hers. I can do whatever I want, she can do the same.
If we are really destined to be together, we will meet again under different circumstances (In 5 months? In 5 years? No one can tell.), after we've grown more, learned more, experienced more.
And that would be the perfect story for me. But I don't think about it. I am focused on myself now and trying to improve. So should you.
@BeTheChange
You're doing a bargaining. It's normal in the early phase of getting over break-up. I did the same thing - I was thinking would I accept her back if she asked and under which circumstances.
But after 31 days, I am really good at accepting things as they are. Our lives were intertwined for a certain amount of time but not anymore. I have my life so does she has hers. I can do whatever I want, she can do the same.
If we are really destined to be together, we will meet again under different circumstances (In 5 months? In 5 years? No one can tell.), after we've grown more, learned more, experienced more.
And that would be the perfect story for me. But I don't think about it. I am focused on myself now and trying to improve. So should you.
