The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

Ten days is actually quite fortunate. Some men lose themselves into another cycle with the woman. Some lose years of their life, because they thought/hoped that she and he are both different now, so this time getting back together will be the special one where it will/can finally work out for the two of them. I understand the draw and the temptation. Be VERY, VERY careful with your choices, when opening the door to reengage on any level.

Day 1

Golden advice. Don't reopen the door. Ex chased and chased and I relented. She got stuck on the fact "I fvcked" and she didn't (still sucked d1ck though!) She recently found a facebook conversation of me making vague arrangements to see another woman (ex and i are on and off so much its hard to keep track was my excuse) We got into an argument about another woman I had slept with while we were broken up among a few other things. She blocks me. I try and call her. Doesn't get through. I sense what is going on. She is going to use this indignation to meet and fvck some guy. I could just feel it. Something similar happened last year. Last year she told me she'd slept with someone during our break and I replied with a naked photo of a girl i slept with (not proud of this just telling the facts). In that time I tried phoning her to apologise but she didn't care. It was only after the act that she came back. Of course I didn't find out till later what she had done and by then she already had her claws deep back in me.

This time i could see the signs and knew how it was all going to play out. I tried my best to contact her but she hangs up each time before I can speak. She doesn't want to be convinced out of the decision she has made for herself. It killed me. I just thought to myself. Let's be honest here. She's had an argument with you and her response is to "get even" by ****ing another guy. No two ways about it. Ii knew in my mind that i had not done anything to justify this in a sense of her response being way out of proportion to the original offense. In that moment I decided no matter how painful, no matter how much time has been wasted (3 good years of my life) I had to leave this woman. Best friend, first love, perfect for each other on paper. It didn't matter. Like heroine, staying in this relationship would destroy me. I mean, what more does she have to do for me to leave her? She either doesn't respect me at all or is so emotionally impulsive to make a long term relationship and emotional investment an unsummountable risk.

When it comes to ignoring texts and calls I'm quite good. It's only when she is banging on my door, crying, begging for me. I hear her voice and it's hard to resist. This sh*t is a drug. And it will destroy me if I allow it. I've taken drastic measures. I know she goes on holiday on Friday and it works out that she comes back just as I leave so I won't in fact be back till mid August. That means provided I can get through this week they'll be at least a 30 day period where I can avoid her completely. I'm hoping this will be sufficient to make ongoing NC easier since I anticipate the first 2 weeks is where I'll be the most vulnerable.

As I write this now she is probably in bed with another man. I sent her a long "thinking out loud message" on Skype telling her I knew what was happening and that I was leaving and that she probably wouldn't hear from me again, possibly forever and that was that.

I've blocked her from every possible method of communication. Ive also (and this is crucial) booked a hotel from Monday evening till Friday close to work in order to avoid coming home (as she lives very close to me) because knowing her she will reach out (probably Wednesday or Thursday after another h0eish binge) to reconcile and right now my emotions are too fvcked up to fight.

Not going to lie guys. It's 3 am. I'm dying inside and know once the numbness subsides I'm going to miss her so damn much. It's going to be hard but I know it will be worth it. And I honestly believe the confidence you get from leaving a sub standard woman ESPECIALLY when you know she will be chasing you and still "loves you", not to mention the massive emotional investment, it will stay with you for life. Half the battle is doing it. And my problem is I have never done NC before with someone I actually loved. The way I see it. If I can walk away from this without relenting, then I can walk away from anything.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@BeTheChange, You have a greater clarity now than you did a few weeks ago. Sit down and write your future self a letter. Spell out all that you see so clearly now. Spell out why moving on from your ex is the best choice for you and for your life moving forward. Right now, you see aspects of her and your relationship together that can become hidden from memory/view when you miss her like never before or when you happen to see her or for whatever reason the rose colored glasses come out.

I know at times like this it is easy to feel certain that you would never forget, you'd never reconsider, and you'd never go back. I have felt that certainty many times before myself. When one you have loved so greatly, who will always have place in your heart, no matter all that has occurred, when time passes and you see their smile, you laugh together, they look at you longingly or lustfully or you hear their deepest sorrow and plea for one more chance, one can quickly lose sight of what was once so clear.

Write yourself a letter now, so if you ever feel so challenged or have a change of heart and reconsider getting back together, take the time now, to tell yourself then, all that would serve you best to never forget. Put the clarity you feel now, into words you can read, when you need them most. Keep a copy on your phone and maybe a printed copy at home.

I printed something up and for a while taped it inside my front and back doors, so should my ex ever show up again and plea, that it would be something I would see in that potentially challenging and stressful moment, that would immediately recenter me to the truth of what I chose and what I want for my life. Maybe I'll post it here sometime.

Booking the hotel for yourself this week is fantastic planning and taking care of yourself. Great choice! I once preplanned a night in a hotel just 3 minutes from my house, just to avoid being home and scared of the ex all night and the drama if he did show after a particularly volatile event he was attending. It's fantastic that you know she will be out of town and can relax more while she is gone and then you'll be gone and will have even more time to get centered in you, before you may ever see her again.

Day by day, you'll let go of what didn't serve you and re-attune to that which does. When you look back upon this time, you will appreciate your strength, your courage, and your perseverance. They will have carried you into a better version of yourself and an even better life to match. Hang in there! The greatest version of you is calling you forward. Stay the course.

 

[BeTheChange]

@LiveYourDream

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your support.

 

[LiveYourDream]

@LiveYourDream

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your support.

@BeTheChange --Big hugs to you! Keep hanging in there. Know that I am rooting you on.

 

[BeTheChange]

What I'm doing reminds me of odysseus and the sirens.

 

[BeTheChange]

Just got an email.

"BeTheChange, I just stood at your door ringing forever. Please read this:

Last night I was at home drinking a whole bottle of peosecco by myself. I was angry. I was hurt over the condom story. I wanted to hurt you back. I was at home imagining what you were thinking and feeling. I swear on my life that that is all that happened. I passed out in my clothes and woke up sweaty and confused. When I realised what I had done I ran over. I am sorry. I wanted to hurt you but I did it in a way that wont hurt you now. Please. Please whereever you are. You know we are mad. We are stupid in love though. I love you to death BeTheChange. I will make up for this I swear. Please come back. I love you forever. BeTheChange please dont kill me like this. I love you"

You believe her?

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange I think you have given this woman enough chances. You have shown that you have a long fuse with her, you have been patient. However, relationships should never be this much drama. And in your heart, you know this too. You have to decide accordingly. I feel that if you took her back you'd be posting more drama in a few weeks because this relationship is dysfunctional and it always will be.

 

[BeTheChange]

Is 30 days NC long enough to detach emotionally?

 

[LiveYourDream]

Is 30 days NC long enough to detach emotionally?

If one were cold and unemotional and never attached to begin with then 30 days could be enough. I wouldn't recommend being that person. That's not the story for you two, not at all. 30 days is long enough to get re-centered. After that, understand it will still take clear focus and incredible resolve to stay centered. If you were to see her, pictures of her, or interact somehow, especially in the months most immediately following, you are still very vulnerable and it's not advised.

Most feel better in 30 days but far from complete. One could also feel horrible again in an instant if they are not careful. NC is a journey of healing and growth, not a quick fix.

 

[Carpathian]

Is 30 days NC long enough to detach emotionally?

No. I am three months NC (other than a few emails five weeks ago) and I still have some emotional connection to her. As have others on here. I bet she does as well. It can take a long time to completely let go. Even though I've got a new woman now who is lovely, I like a lot etc I still have aftershocks of emotions towards the ex. Two years (maybe more in your case) of having your lives entwined together, loving someone as much as you love yourself takes some unraveling.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It is normal if she meant anything to you.

 

[Carpathian]

If one were cold and unemotional and never attached to begin with then 30 days could be enough. That's not the story for you two, not at all. 30 days is long enough to get re-centered. After that, understand it will still take clear focus and incredible resolve to stay centered, if you were to see her, pictures of her, or interact somehow (especially in the months most immediately following.)

Most feel better in 30 days but far from complete. One could also feel horrible again in an instant if they are not careful. NC is a journey of healing and growth, not a quick fix.

ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
I was doing great for ten weeks NC. Then I replied to an email from her after ten weeks - with me thinking it could have been an opening from her. Exchanged a series of short emails over a few days and it took me right back. She then went silent again. It upset me - made me sob even - and took me two weeks to get back on my feet again. BE VERY CAREFUL responding as Liveyourdream states and as advised me.. I am not responding at all now to anything from her. I do not think there is anything she can say to me that would make things different.

Indeed, I used to think those who say block their number were being over the top and melodaramatic. I now see they are not. Contact from your ex fvcks with your mind big time.

 

[BeTheChange]

Indeed, I used to think those who say block their number were being over the top and melodaramatic. I now see they are not. Contact from your ex fvcks with your mind big time.

Thing is they will find a way regardless. Even with me getting a hotel and blocking her on every form of communication I could think of she still found a way to contact me. I understad now why people change their numbers and move to a different city.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 2

I actually started to realise how damaging this relationship has been over last few months in terms of managing other areas of my life. It's amazing how much mental and physical energy is sapped dealing with a messy relationship and all of the up and down, make up/ break up moments that come with that.

For example my gym training has suffered as I lose my appetite during the first few days of a breakup, not to mention struggling to sleep. Work was problematic for the same reason and my performance had dipped. Also noticed my job search took a backseat because I was finding life admin difficult to deal with because of all the sh*t going on. It sucks a bit now but I realise the end of this relationship is going to be liberating.

Friday can't come soon enough (when she leaves for holiday). I know a part of me will be very sad. Knowing I definitely won't see or hear from her for a month will be tough. But at the same time it frees me and gives me so much optimism because I know that I'll be so much more grounded by the time we even have the opportunity to bump into each other again. And I think it will be a lot easier for me to resist breaking NC. I find that the longer you are in NC for the harder it is to break because you realise if you get sucked back into things with the ex you then have to go through all those weeks of repairing yourself if things go down south. That's a massive deterrent to wander down that path in the first place.

One thing I've realised is you need to have self control. Our exes can only really fvck with our minds if we allow them too. Take a step back, breathe and move on. Every day at a time.

 

[BeTheChange]

Friend of mine had a really cool idea. Every time you feel sad about the ex FORCE YOURSELF to do something that you know is beneficial for your life in some way. Whether it's through allowing you to meet new people, have a new experience, etc.

Whenever I feel bad and I have 5 minutes at work I open up tinder and force myself to chat even if I don't particularly want to. Chances are some of those conversations might turn into something more in a few days/weeks when you're feeling better.

I've been with my ex for over 3 years and we were on and off living together since 2014 so one thing I never did was actually learn to cook. That's one thing I'm committed to doing. Actually I'll get some of my post-breakup goals down now.

1. Learn to cook
2. Learn Spanish
3. Build up enough upper body strength at the gym to flagpole

 

[BlueAlpha1]

ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
I was doing great for ten weeks NC. Then I replied to an email from her after ten weeks - with me thinking it could have been an opening from her. Exchanged a series of short emails over a few days and it took me right back. She then went silent again. It upset me - made me sob even - and took me two weeks to get back on my feet again. BE VERY CAREFUL responding as Liveyourdream states and as advised me.. I am not responding at all now to anything from her. I do not think there is anything she can say to me that would make things different.

Indeed, I used to think those who say block their number were being over the top and melodaramatic. I now see they are not. Contact from your ex fvcks with your mind big time.

Interesting. When my ex and I had our second-last separation, it took 10 weeks and I got a call at work one night. She was drunk and having a melt down. I didn't answer the call, but foolishly responded by text the next day. Fast forward and was in for another year of this hell.

But our last separation (the current one) is now over a year. She's finally gone for good. So what I believe for you is even if you give in (which is a terrible idea), this is probably your last go-round based on my experience.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 3

We'll here it is. She's gone. And for good. I knew something was up because she was so aggressive in her pursuit of me yesterday morning and by afternoon...radio silence. Then I wake up to this message

"Have just landed in France. [Name of friend] informed my family about us being in contact... please dont forget me. Ever. Love"

She is orginally from France, meaning that her parents have dragged her ass back over there. Her parents hate me and this basically means she will be there at the very least for the rest of the summer and till uni starts in October. However I do not think her parents will trust her and will probably insist that she transfers to a French university, which is why there is a good chance I will never see her again even if I wanted to.

Still in a state of shock and haven't quite processed it yet. It does feel as if she has died. All the anger is gone for now.

I haven't responded to her message but feel like I should just to provide some kind of official finality to it and at this stage I just want what's best for her. Pride aside.

 

[Carpathian]

Interesting. When my ex and I had our second-last separation, it took 10 weeks and I got a call at work one night. She was drunk and having a melt down. I didn't answer the call, but foolishly responded by text the next day. Fast forward and was in for another year of this hell.

But our last separation (the current one) is now over a year. She's finally gone for good. So what I believe for you is even if you give in (which is a terrible idea), this is probably your last go-round based on my experience.

Let's hope so - i.e. let's hope she is gone for good. I don't want her back now. The cycles I went through with the ex (all dumping done by her over text, I was never given the opportunity to discuss) outlined below. I tried to discuss "why" immediately after being dumped but she would not discuss with me other than cry and say she doesn't know what she wants. No communications about any problems beforehand. No fighting. Great sex both sides. Hand-holding, affectionate gestures, "I love you's" until day before breakup, families adored each other, people said we looked a brilliant couple, her sons thought I was the best thing that ever happened to her etc. They used to tell me they had never seen their mom so happy. She used to tell me she was so proud of me and that she met me, I was "her wonderful man", she waxed lyrical about me to all her friends... Then she slowly withdrew, went cold and distant, then a sudden cliff edge and dumped. No reason at all. Seriously. I don't for a second pretend I am perfect either (who is?) but there was no serious reason for her behavior. Indeed, I have now passed the stage where I am even looking for a reason. It is her fvcking loss.

We met in September 2014
8 months together>>>>>>>> Two month breakup but regular (few times a week) text contact and a few meetups. Then,
4 months together>>>> One month breakup but regular texts. Begged me to get back with her. Then
3 months together>>>>>> Broke up for three months, other than an email reach out from her, silence

The way the dumpings were conducted were identical in each of the three phases. i.e.slowly becoming more distant and cold, not as available, dates cancelled etc. To anyone reading this going through something similar, the pain of being dumped GETS WORSE each time you go through it. The third (i.e. THIS time) has been especially difficult and very painful. Were there to be a fourth time I bet that would be worse still. That's why there will not be a fourth time.

We are both in our late 40's and otherwise mature people. WTF????!!!!!!!! I discussed with a colleague who is a specialist in that area and she thinks (in the absence of meeting her) it is probably signs of BPD or NPD. Maybe some other guy or an ex is in the picture. All I want is for me and my daughter to be rid of her.

 

[Carpathian]

Day 3

We'll here it is. She's gone. And for good. I knew something was up because she was so aggressive in her pursuit of me yesterday morning and by afternoon...radio silence. Then I wake up to this message

"Have just landed in France. [Name of friend] informed my family about us being in contact... please dont forget me. Ever. Love"

She is orginally from France, meaning that her parents have dragged her ass back over there. Her parents hate me and this basically means she will be there at the very least for the rest of the summer and till uni starts in October. However I do not think her parents will trust her and will probably insist that she transfers to a French university, which is why there is a good chance I will never see her again even if I wanted to.

Still in a state of shock and haven't quite processed it yet. It does feel as if she has died. All the anger is gone for now.

I haven't responded to her message but feel like I should just to provide some kind of official finality to it and at this stage I just want what's best for her. Pride aside.

Just ignore that message. Don't contact her, she is still digging for a response. And is she really back in France? To keep replying you are prolonging.

 

[BeTheChange]

Just ignore that message. Don't contact her, she is still digging for a response. And is she really back in France? To keep replying you are prolonging.

She is in France. Confirmed it with her housemate.

 

[Carpathian]

She is in France. Confirmed it with her housemate.

Ignore anyway. You are not doing yourself any favors to keep replying to her. Reply equals contact which DOES NOT EQUAL No Contact. And it is NC that you need my friend to rid yourself of this woman.