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The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

Barrister

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That’s totally my fault. I don’t have much money at the moment because I gave up working full time so I can learn a skill.
The government here supports people who can’t afford a lawyer but all the bureaucracy takes a ton of time and they don’t help you as much when you don’t pay them much.
She also prolonged the process by going to her lawyer and trying to take all my parental rights by claiming I’m abusive even though I don’t even talk to her and there is no abuse from my side. That’s how she responded to a basic every other weekend visitation agreement.

I could see my kids if I’d submit to her rules. She was dropping the kids at my house before whenever she wanted and treated me like a doormat because she knew excactly how much i love the kids. I had to deal with the breakup and all the consequences so I wasn’t in a good mental state and her games made it even worse.
I had basically no other choice than cutting her out If I wanted to keep my self respect and move on.
When she dropped them off you should have just kept them and told her to get lost when she tried to get them back. I don’t know what jurisdiction you’re in but you need to get more proactive with this or you could have some major problems getting any normal visitation in the future.
 

jamesfromhouston

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Day 90 from a Dumpee

Thought I would give an update to my NC journey, hope it helps some. It has now been 3 months of NC.

(If you have not yet read it, I detailedly documented my 60 days journey in one single post in my last entry with all the lessons I gathered on Page 605).

Breadcrumbs & Contact

I think most of us scour the forums to form a mental benchmark of when they come back or start to contact. It has been often stated that 90 days is the magic number before they come back. Well, she did not contact me at all or leave any forms of breadcrumbs. Not a single spec. In a way this causes a certain level of sadness (not sharp pain) in me, there was a part of me that expected (from the online benchmarks) that I would get something at least. Although I half expect this desire for breadcrumbs to come from ego. Yet the stark difference in behaviour is very surprising; while we were together it was as if she could not live without me, she contacted me everyday, and could not live without my attention. Now its as if I never existed at all. It makes me wonder how she is taking the 90 days. (Most likely she has found a rebound). In any case, I very much recommend Rollo's books because my experience has shown to me it speaks high truths about women and their psychology; I am trying to unplug as much as I can. The finality of the relationship being completely erased is becoming harder and harder to deny.

Yearning & Pain

The overall emotional pain of the first few weeks has more or less vanished. I am able to go to many places we had visited without feeling the deep melancholy that I felt before. This is a substantial change. However, I spoke in my last post about a mellow sense of 'yearning' that sits beneath the surface that occasionally arises. There were many times in the past month it has resurfaced and I find myself missing past her (and our past moments) deeply. Although it isn't the sort of debilitating pain at the beginning of NC, the yearning has at times caused me to crawl the Internet to look for NC threads and has caused issues in my productivity at work. I suppose I don't know how to manage these emotions yet. In my last entry, I questioned whether this yearning will ever go away. Now, I am of the opinion that they might just represent cherished memories that will just always be a part of me; perhaps it would be impossible to rid them entirely and perhaps this isn't a bad thing in itself. Perhaps we should attempt to not judge these yearnings and just embrace them; rather than see it as an enemy to rid (because I am unable to rid it) we should just embrace it wholeheartedly. I am working on learning how to cope with them more productively.

Self-Improvement

I have continued my habit of improving myself. It is now part of my daily routine and feels natural to me. I can confidently say I have focused and improved on myself more in the last 3 months than I have over a period of 2 years when I was with the girl. The relationship definitely betatized me and stalled my own development. The girl tried to control and diminish me for her own security and selfish interests while she was constantly operating on a different standard. I have worked out almost everyday for the past 3 months (to be exact it has been 60 days of weights and 30 days of intense cardio), this has led to some noticeable changes. Physically my body has changed slightly, I have become more fit, lost fat and currently working on gaining muscle; some people have noticed it. Whilst mentally, I feel incredibly confident over my own body and no longer feel fat and undesirable. The mental, confidence and energy boosts from just working out cannot be overstated. I have actually done more book reading in the last 3 months than I have for years. I have very little interests in movies and TV nowadays; as I find reading to be a more enjoyable and relaxing experience. I've also been working a lot on building my Instagram presence and this has definitely skyrocketed and led to a lot of plates and interests from girls. Although my self-improvement has skyrocketed, the rate and intensity has also waned with time due to the dissipating emotional pain. As mentioned in my last post, it turned out the pain was a blessing because it was a fuel that took me forward but now its running out (a part of me wanted to be the guy she missed out on) but I need to find an alternative to propel me forward as I need to focus on doing these for me.

Sleeping With Other Women As A Cure

When I first broke up and started NC, I really wanted to hook up badly. I thought hooking up would be the absolute cure to the pain I was experiencing at the time. For logistical reasons, due to the fact that I was manipulated by my ex into self-isolation with 0 plates around me and also personal reasons, where I wanted to also work on myself; I was unable to hook up immediately. Although I was so convinced and confident that sex was the key to solving pain. I can now say after 3 hook ups with 3 very sexy plates (1 of whom is a top influencer) and countless make outs with other plates; not to mention many strings of dates; this really isn't a cure. My experience has been after the initial high, it quickly dissipates (usually within a day) and then you're back to square 1. You could ofcourse actively chase the high and try to do it again and again and again; but you'll find yourself endlessly setting it up that it becomes tiring and almost routinelike. For example, at one point, I was dating girls almost every night of the week. Perhaps, I haven't met one that has blown me away but my conclusion so far is that sleeping with others will not cure you. It gives you a high thats it. In reflection, working on myself and changing my lifestyle gave me more deeper satisfaction than any girls had in the past 90 days. At this point, I suspect this is the thing that should be worked on. Very much in reflection to what Rollo and Rich has written, chase excellence and chase yourself.

Happiness & The Golden Days Of The Past

Theres a part of me that still looks bad to the days of my past relationship and compares it with my current days. It usually starts with this nostalgic golden lens where I think I was really happy back then when I was with her. But then if I take a moment to observe it objectively, I start to remember how deeply unhappy I was at the time. I felt unfulfilled and often felt manipulated by the girl. My life was also not moving forward, especially on a personal development level. I was very much isolated and had many freedoms of mine challenged. Its easy for nostalgia to convince me that I was happy and those were the golden days; but compared to my life now, things were actually much worst. The only comfort I had then was her. I am now slowly correcting my thinking here as I try to move beyond it and realise the present circumstance, my current progressive life is where I want to be.

Conclusion

So yes, day 90 is not what I expected: I do not hurt in the same day I used to. My lifestyle is much more progressive/improved than it ever was before. The girl never came back or contacted. The yearning/memories do not go away (I thought they would by now). Sleeping with others (even hot girls) though fun does not solve the yearning or make me forget.

I plan to update you guys again in 30 days, or if she ever reaches out/breadcrumbs.

I hope all of you the best and that you found value in my sharing.

- James
 
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