The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[AmsterdamAssassin]

If she reaches out, I would suggest relationship counselling, there shouldn't be a taboo around it and may be helpful. If she doesn't reach out then I'll just continue taking it day by day.

There's is no taboo around relationship counselling, except that everybody knows that counselling mostly helps women to express their grievances, but rarely lead to a balanced relationship.

 

[Designer Man]

There's is no taboo around relationship counselling, except that everybody knows that counselling mostly helps women to express their grievances, but rarely lead to a balanced relationship.

Can I ask you why she would shut me down in an argument/discussion and not allow me to get my point across? It was so frustrating and I found it difficult to communicate which would result in me losing my head and she thrived on that.

 

[Designer Man]

I have just spoken to my Dad on the phone. It took me a couple of days to pluck up the courage but I cried throughout the whole call.
My Dad is in his 70's and my ex has a great relationship with him. They have a special bond and he adores her so much and vice versa. She helps him with his food shopping, his bills, his care needs, appointments etc and is brilliant. He asked me what was going on as they had spoken earlier today and she told him I had left and that she still loves me and I just couldn't speak. She is going to see him tomorrow and he asked me to come over. I said no, I just can't face it and I don't think it would be right so soon. What do you think? Should I go?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Sounds like you need your Dad to be the arbiter of your relationship.

 

[Adz--]

Day 60 something

As per the rules, i read my all my NC posts. From day 1 till now I can definitely say that there’s been a massive growth and improvement in terms of my mental state, more balanced emotions, better understanding and all round much better me.
I was definitely going through the range of emotions through it all but didn’t see it at the time (only realised till I read another SS member post).

What i felt at the beginning was pain, sadness, embarrassment, why me etc etc. What i feel now is calmness, more solid in terms of my thoughts, feelings and more importantly thinking logically. I can say for certain that I am a lot better now and I am in a much better place now than I was 60 something days ago. I still get thoughts but they’re not intense or anything like that at all. I think they’re thoughts that are missing “the idea of her” which in reality don’t mean jack sh*t because they’re not logical nor do they truly represent how she was, so they get nipped in the bud before they can snowball in mind as soon as they pop up.

Still got the same plate I mentioned a while back that comes over to my place, still working on being a better Don Juan, still trying go improve myself all areas as best as I can.

Onwards & upwards!

Adz—

 

[Glassguy]

Doesn't it just mask over the pain though? I'm not ready for that yet, everything is a major blur.

If she reaches out, I would suggest relationship counselling, there shouldn't be a taboo around it and may be helpful. If she doesn't reach out then I'll just continue taking it day by day.

I would strongly recommend NOT mentioning counseling. If she reaches out, keep it to light conversation. 5 minute phone call. Let her bring up any conversation about the breakup. If she brings it up, don't get deep into it. Just let her talk.

 

[Designer Man]

I would strongly recommend NOT mentioning counseling. If she reaches out, keep it to light conversation. 5 minute phone call. Let her bring up any conversation about the breakup. If she brings it up, don't get deep into it. Just let her talk.

She reached out to me today via text. She said she is sorry for what has happened and the way she made me feel. She said she will regret this for the rest of her life. She told me how she felt that I didn't love her anymore and lost interest in her and her walls went up as a result. I responded to the text and I apologised for the things I done wrong and how I made her feel. I also said that I never stopped loving her and I should have done so much more when I had the chance.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

She reached out to me today via text. She said she is sorry for what has happened and the way she made me feel. She said she will regret this for the rest of her life. She told me how she felt that I didn't love her anymore and lost interest in her and her walls went up as a result. I responded to the text and I apologised for the things I done wrong and how I made her feel. I also said that I never stopped loving her and I should have done so much more when I had the chance.

Open communication over needs and wants and boundaries is crucial in any relationship, but especially when you aim for LTR. Do not apologise too much, avoid the blame game, but talk towards clearly communicating when you're upset about something and how to make each other feel good about being with each other.

 

[Chowda]

She reached out to me today via text. She said she is sorry for what has happened and the way she made me feel. She said she will regret this for the rest of her life. She told me how she felt that I didn't love her anymore and lost interest in her and her walls went up as a result. I responded to the text and I apologised for the things I done wrong and how I made her feel. I also said that I never stopped loving her and I should have done so much more when I had the chance.

She got the validation she was looking for from you. You gave her the attention she desperately needed, there’s not much more she is after now

My thought is to keep your replies sparingly to see if she sticks around

 

[soulforge]

Approaching Month 5 NC

Things are getting easier & it's funny how with time and distance you see more clearly how toxic that situation was. When you're deep in that relationship you often become blind to the chaos all around you.

I have a question?

Would you consider this behaviour as irresponsible drinking or outright suspicious behaviour?

Month 3 of seeing my ex, she was supposed to text me after work on Friday at 5pm & let me know she is on her way to my house, as we had a date planned.

I noticed something was not quite right throughout the Friday as she didn't login to her WhatsApp for the entire day. Anyway come 5pm no text message.

Around 9pm, hours later from our date time, I get a text message asking me, how my day has been.

No mention of her not showing up for the date, no apology, and no phone call to tell me why she didn't show up.

Turns out the night before (Thursday) she went to a friend's house, and they began drinking. She got that badly drunk, that she didn't show up for work the following day & slept through the entirety of Friday & obviously slept through & didn't text me about meeting up for our date.

Obviously alot of drama ensued after this fuk up of hers, and I ghosted her, till she came begging on my doorstep for another chance.

Some months back I noticed a pattern in her behaviour that was suspicious to me.

We had a pattern of texting eachother breifly at night between let's say 8-12pm..

Anyway I get a text message off her telling me that she is going to her sisters house. She then went off the radar with very slow texting & then no texting at all.

I thought fuk it, and just went to sleep. Around 1.30pm in the morning I get a text from her... hey babe I fell asleep at my sister's house haha, just home now.

fair enough, she fell asleep.. I found it odd though, it's a week day. Her sister & family have likely a job to go to in the morning, why would they just let her fall asleep on the sofa for that long & not wake her up and tell her to go home.

(By the way my ex's family they are big time alcohol drinkers, like all the time)

My feeling was, that she didn't fall asleep, more likely got blind drunk again.

Another 2-3 weeks later, same cenario again, she goes to her family barbeque, I get a text off her late at night, that she fell asleep at her family's house putting the Kids to sleep.

Soo.. She tried this crap with me again around a month before I broke up with her.. She text me, said it's her brother in law's birthday & she is going over to his house with her mom.

I said cool, speak to you later enjoy yourself.

She goes off the radar again for the night, and doesn't text me till around 2am in the morning.

I get a text message.. Hey babe fuk sake I fell asleep at the my brother in law's.

I Message her back with this..

"You didn't fall asleep at all, your over there getting drunk"

So she panics after reading my text message, and immediately video calls me.. I take her call & guess what? She is super drunk, at home and in her bedroom.

She tries to pretend that she isn't drunk, but literally her words are slurry and I know when I am looking at a drunk person.

By the way I managed to find out, that she did in-fact go to her brother in law's that night.

But I found all this "I fell asleep & then ending up drunk behaviour highly suspicious or the least irresponsible level of drinking.

I don't have proof, but I am certain every other time she claimed that she fell asleep, she was likely getting drunk.

 

[Designer Man]

Approaching Month 5 NC

Things are getting easier & it's funny how with time and distance you see more clearly how toxic that situation was. When you're deep in that relationship you often become blind to the chaos all around you.

I have a question?

Would you consider this behaviour as irresponsible drinking or outright suspicious behaviour?

Month 3 of seeing my ex, she was supposed to text me after work on Friday at 5pm & let me know she is on her way to my house, as we had a date planned.

I noticed something was not quite right throughout the Friday as she didn't login to her WhatsApp for the entire day. Anyway come 5pm no text message.

Around 9pm, hours later from our date time, I get a text message asking me, how my day has been.

No mention of her not showing up for the date, no apology, and no phone call to tell me why she didn't show up.

Turns out the night before (Thursday) she went to a friend's house, and they began drinking. She got that badly drunk, that she didn't show up for work the following day & slept through the entirety of Friday & obviously slept through & didn't text me about meeting up for our date.

Obviously alot of drama ensued after this fuk up of hers, and I ghosted her, till she came begging on my doorstep for another chance.

Some months back I noticed a pattern in her behaviour that was suspicious to me.

We had a pattern of texting eachother breifly at night between let's say 8-12pm..

Anyway I get a text message off her telling me that she is going to her sisters house. She then went off the radar with very slow texting & then no texting at all.

I thought fuk it, and just went to sleep. Around 1.30pm in the morning I get a text from her... hey babe I fell asleep at my sister's house haha, just home now.

fair enough, she fell asleep.. I found it odd though, it's a week day. Her sister & family have likely a job to go to in the morning, why would they just let her fall asleep on the sofa for that long & not wake her up and tell her to go home.

(By the way my ex's family they are big time alcohol drinkers, like all the time)

My feeling was, that she didn't fall asleep, more likely got blind drunk again.

Another 2-3 weeks later, same cenario again, she goes to her family barbeque, I get a text off her late at night, that she fell asleep at her family's house putting the Kids to sleep.

Soo.. She tried this crap with me again around a month before I broke up with her.. She text me, said it's her brother in law's birthday & she is going over to his house with her mom.

I said cool, speak to you later enjoy yourself.

She goes off the radar again for the night, and doesn't text me till around 2am in the morning.

I get a text message.. Hey babe fuk sake I fell asleep at the my brother in law's.

I Message her back with this..

"You didn't fall asleep at all, your over there getting drunk"

So she panics after reading my text message, and immediately video calls me.. I take her call & guess what? She is super drunk, at home and in her bedroom.

She tries to pretend that she isn't drunk, but literally her words are slurry and I know when I am looking at a drunk person.

By the way I managed to find out, that she did in-fact go to her brother in law's that night.

But I found all this "I fell asleep & then ending up drunk behaviour highly suspicious or the least irresponsible level of drinking.

I don't have proof, but I am certain every other time she claimed that she fell asleep, she was likely getting drunk.

I find it odd when women feel they have to hide the fact they have had a drink, I had to deal with that a few times and it happened when I was out for the day, she had people round and had drinks and tried to deny the whole thing, there were wine glasses in the sink when I come home and the music channels had been left on. Why not just be open and tell me what was going on? It's like a dark secret and made even more worse when treated in this manner. I didn't care if she had a drink but then it came across that there was a problem when she did and her friends began to believe I had an issue with it because she done it that way.

 

[soulforge]

I find it odd when women feel they have to hide the fact they have had a drink, I had to deal with that a few times and it happened when I was out for the day, she had people round and had drinks and tried to deny the whole thing, there were wine glasses in the sink when I come home and the music channels had been left on. Why not just be open and tell me what was going on? It's like a dark secret and made even more worse when treated in this manner. I didn't care if she had a drink but then it came across that there was a problem when she did and her friends began to believe I had an issue with it because she done it that way.

Exactly how I felt.

I know my exes family are massive drinkers.

So when she goes over, I know to some degree they are going to be getting drunk.

However with my ex, when I first started seeing her, we was seeing eachother casually getting to know each other.

One time she went out with her friend and they both got very drunk, how did she get home in that drunken state? Turns out a MALE friend of hers picked them both up.

Two attractive drunk girls, getting inside a dudes car who is much older than them both? I'm not buying that dude is just wanting to be freinds.

I came to realise that I simply don't trust my ex when alcohol is involved & this recent behaviour felt sneaky too.

 

[Designer Man]

Exactly how I felt.

I know my exes family are massive drinkers.

So when she goes over, I know to some degree they are going to be getting drunk.

However with my ex, when I first started seeing her, we was seeing eachother casually getting to know each other.

One time she went out with her friend and they both got very drunk, how did she get home in that drunken state? Turns out a MALE friend of hers picked them both up.

Two attractive drunk girls, getting inside a dudes car who is much older than them both? I'm not buying that dude is just wanting to be freinds.

I came to realise that I simply don't trust my ex when alcohol is involved & this recent behaviour felt sneaky too.

Alcohol has been a problem and it shouldn't be. It should be something enjoyed responsibly and with good intentions. Fortunately, mine isn't a big drinker, it affects her for days afterwards so she rarely drinks and it's maybe once/twice monthly but I know not to listen to anything she has beforehand. "Can't wait to see you tonight when I get home" "I won't be out too late". At first I would believe this was true and plan my whole evening around her coming back when she said she would but as I got to know her, it was just something she said. It drove a wedge between us when I would try and contact her to see if she was OK but it was deemed by her and her friends that I was checking up on her. I think a courtesy text now and again to let me know she is fine is not too much to ask for.

It got to a point I would dread her going out and it would cause a bit of tension. Towards the end, I stopped caring as much and wouldn't even bother texting her to see how she was. The latest she ever came home was about 3am so I don't have too much to grumble about. It's just when she says she'll back by midnight, I hadn't heard a peep and I was sat up waiting for her.

 

[soulforge]

Alcohol has been a problem and it shouldn't be. It should be something enjoyed responsibly and with good intentions. Fortunately, mine isn't a big drinker, it affects her for days afterwards so she rarely drinks and it's maybe once/twice monthly but I know not to listen to anything she has beforehand. "Can't wait to see you tonight when I get home" "I won't be out too late". At first I would believe this was true and plan my whole evening around her coming back when she said she would but as I got to know her, it was just something she said. It drove a wedge between us when I would try and contact her to see if she was OK but it was deemed by her and her friends that I was checking up on her. I think a courtesy text now and again to let me know she is fine is not too much to ask for.

It got to a point I would dread her going out and it would cause a bit of tension. Towards the end, I stopped caring as much and wouldn't even bother texting her to see how she was. The latest she ever came home was about 3am so I don't have too much to grumble about. It's just when she says she'll back by midnight, I hadn't heard a peep and I was sat up waiting for her.

Yeh that's harsh man, and I understand why you stopped caring.

But I will be honest with you, any girl I take seriously doesn't go out to bars/clubs full stop.

No nights out with the girls.. If she wants to go out for a drink, then I will take her out.

If she wants to party, hit the clubs with her friends, I put her back on the streets.

That's just my standard for a relationship.

 

[Designer Man]

I've broke NC, we text yesterday and today. She has told me how she felt unattractive and undesired and that I didn't love her and it knocked her confidence and she is right because I felt exactly the same and we both pulled away. The intimacy slacked off lately and none of us did anything to make it better or have a proper talk about it. I had no idea how she was feeling as I was putting myself first. I would be in the gym for 2 hours every day and hardly spending time with her. Its only know I can realise how she felt and what she must have been thinking. She thought I had my head turned by someone else. That was not the case, the lack of intimacy made me feel insecure and I felt down over it. It resulted in us breaking down.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I've broke NC, we text yesterday and today.

Well, hopefully that 'talk' progresses in a healthy relationship.

 

[Hacker]

Woah what is going on in this thread? I thought we were all sticking with not contacting our exes then im reading about guys contacting there exes and alot of you are ok with this??? What happened to our plans guys?

 

[soulforge]

Woah what is going on in this thread? I thought we were all sticking with not contacting our exes then im reading about guys contacting there exes and alot of you are ok with this??? What happened to our plans guys?

Depends on the breakup and circumstances.

If the breakup was YOUR fault and there is room to fix things, then sticking with NC might be counterproductive.

If you got Dumped and she was toxic or not worth continuing with, then NC is the way forward.

 

[Hacker]

Depends on the breakup and circumstances.

If the breakup was YOUR fault and there is room to fix things, then sticking with NC might be counterproductive.

If you got Dumped and she was toxic or not worth continuing with, then NC is the way forward.

What if she dumped you and she wasnt toxic and shes worth continuing with? Then what?

 

[soulforge]

What if she dumped you and she wasnt toxic and shes worth continuing with? Then what?

NC is the only way.. She made a decision and negotiating with her will not work.

Only your absence will motivate her to reach out and have doubts about the decision.

Most girls feel relief at the early stages of the breakup, however after some time and distance, Sometimes months down the line, that's when the regret and second guessing her decision can happen.