Still stuck

daproest1

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I came to this forum initially because of a bad break up. I wanted to get her back and eventually marry the girl. That’s what she wanted but I kept side stepping the issue. That was ONE of our problems. An LTR of 6 years. For me from 25-31. For her from 21-27. I explained the details in a thread. I took everyone’s advice. Inboxed a few people. And have done what I could.

I’ve been with 6 other women. Women have always been pretty easy for me. I’m a good looking dude, and I took the time to learn about female psychology when I was younger. I’ve put my head down and focused on my business. On my martial arts. And on my lifting (going on 14 years now). But I still miss this girl every single day.

It’s pretty pathetic. Our issues were/are fixable. Idk how to move on. Most women are hardened now and I cant help but just pump and dump them. I just want mine. The one I had. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything I do is forced. I don’t see myself committing to anyone any time soon. Or ever... after this.

It’s been 8 months since the split, and about 3 since last point of contact. Each day I realize a bit more about where I went wrong as a man. As the leader. The guilt is killing me. And this’ll be one of my biggest regrets later on in life. Any tips? Ideally I’d like to get her back. BUT I understand why it’s unlikely, and/or impossible.

At this point I just want to.... not feel the sinking chest hopelessness anymore. I want to be ambitious and driven again. I adore the retard, but i dont think there’s much I can do.

I’ve always kept women at arm’s length before her, and I’m doing the same thing now. Difference is before her I had hope. I was right to. I met her. She was.... unique. Now, I don’t.
 
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Dante1a

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It's only been 8 months, my friend. Let it ride itself out. It will hurt for a while, but then it will dissipate.

I would venture to say (from experience) that getting back with her wouldn't be a good thing at all, no matter how much you think it would be. You would be pacifying your aching with a familiar drug, only to become an addict again. At this moment, you are going through the withdrawal, which is always hard and when someone cares about another sincerely, it can't really be eradicated by being with other women in the short term.

Let me offer a suggestion or a perspective that might be useful:

When I found myself in a similar situation years ago, I eventually came to understand that the fallout from the relationship wasn't between her and me, but rather between myself and I. It was about my perceptions of how the world should be rather than how it is. It was about my own self-worth and my own identity. If I could believe in some destiny that meant that she and I were supposed to be together, I could feel part of something bigger than myself - a romance movie in real life.

But the truth is that reality isn't that movie. The reality is that you will care for some people who don't want to be with you. Relationships sometimes just fall apart. It happens all of the time and while it's painful, it doesn't mean that it's wrong. In fact, the dissolution of these kinds of relationships (the ones that leave us aching and depressed for their passing) are the ones that end up being the most "for us" than any other. Why? Because they help you grow stronger and more solid.

In my case, I went full-on with multiple women and had fun. Yet, I was always deeply sad for the first year or so. It ached all of the time. But, after reading some writings by a Sufi teacher, I noticed that he mentioned just sitting with the pain, no judging it, not fixing it. Rather, look at the stark beauty of the feeling. Look at it as a frozen landscape; crystalline and brutally gorgeous. Feel into it. Accept it.

Keep working on yourself and resist the temptation to try to get back with her. It won't work on an energetic level, which I'll get into another time. In fact, it would pull you back into metaphorical death. Instead, "let the dead bury the dead" and let yourself go through this winter of your heart.

It will thaw eventually into spring and love will come again like cherryblossoms on a tree. Maybe you will have learned from this current situation and will be able to do things differently the next time. Maybe you'll be more conscious. I hope so.

If not, the process starts all over again. And we keep learning...

Best wishes to you, my friend. Breathe easy. All is exactly as it should be. Nothing is wrong.
 

AbleDad

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I'm 53. I've only loved one woman in my lifetime. We were engaged when I was 27-28 years old. Things didn't work-out, I met someone else, got married, had a couple kids, got divorced when I was 41.

Through fate, I was able to sit down for an evening and have drinks with my ex-fiancee about 10 years ago. Our lives have taken different paths. I was in the middle of raising my two kids. She missed the chance to be a Mom, and she would have been a good one. It was a sad evening for me. Still, it helped me move forward.

I feel that you can't recapture love that's lost. It's an ephemeral thing that can't be controlled. Others will disagree and that's fine. For me, I simply enjoy my empty nest years and meet other ladies. As for you at age 31, I suggest that you find a way to move forward without her.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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I came to this forum initially because of a bad break up. I wanted to get her back and eventually marry the girl. That’s what she wanted but I kept side stepping the issue. That was ONE of our problems. An LTR of 6 years. For me from 25-31. For her from 21-27. I explained the details in a thread. I took everyone’s advice. Inboxed a few people. And have done what I could.

I’ve been with 6 other women. Women have always been pretty easy for me. I’m a good looking dude, and I took the time to learn about female psychology when I was younger. I’ve put my head down and focused on my business. On my martial arts. And on my lifting (going on 14 years now). But I still miss this girl every single day.

It’s pretty pathetic. Our issues were/are fixable. Idk how to move on. Most women are hardened now and I cant help but just pump and dump them. I just want mine. The one I had. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything I do is forced. I don’t see myself committing to anyone any time soon. Or ever... after this.

It’s been 8 months since the split, and about 3 since last point of contact. Each day I realize a bit more about where I went wrong as a man. As the leader. The guilt is killing me. And this’ll be one of my biggest regrets later on in life. Any tips? Ideally I’d like to get her back. BUT I understand why it’s unlikely, and/or impossible.

At this point I just want to.... not feel the sinking chest hopelessness anymore. I want to be ambitious and driven again. I adore the retard, but i dont think there’s much I can do.

I’ve always kept women at arm’s length before her, and I’m doing the same thing now. Difference is before her I had hope. I was right to. I met her. She was.... unique. Now, I don’t.
You have an idea of who she is in your mind. You believe this model is more accurate than what you see in reality. You may think she has a big heart and is understanding and easy going. But if that were the case wouldn't she be with you? Your model of her isn't accurate, and that's why you hurt. You want reality to be different than it is. You're in pain because your model doesn't line up with reality. Accept that your model is wrong, accept reality. It's a tough pill to swallow, but necessary.
 

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daproest1

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You have an idea of who she is in your mind. You believe this model is more accurate than what you see in reality. You may think she has a big heart and is understanding and easy going. But if that were the case wouldn't she be with you? Your model of her isn't accurate, and that's why you hurt. You want reality to be different than it is. You're in pain because your model doesn't line up with reality. Accept that your model is wrong, accept reality. It's a tough pill to swallow, but necessary.
I messed it up. It’s not about pedestalizing or anything like that. I neglected her. Never proposed. I was negative. It had nothing to do with her. I was stressed out for other stuff. There’s only so much a girl can take. I never cheated or anything like that. But still. I was a dyck.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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I messed it up. It’s not about pedestalizing or anything like that. I neglected her. Never proposed. I was negative. It had nothing to do with her. I was stressed out for other stuff. There’s only so much a girl can take. I never cheated or anything like that. But still. I was a dyck.
I'm guilty of the same. But the best thing to do is introspect and learn from your mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable, there is no point in crying about making them. The most productive thing to do is see the lesson and learn it. Implement changes in your behavior that won't cause the same issue again. Pain and a lesson are two sides to the same coin. Focus on the lesson and understand the pain is a result of insight. You feel the pain because you realize your mistakes, good! The next step is to fix what you see as flawed behavior. Improve, overcome. Obstacles are meant to be overcome.

Personally I was a diick because I neglected myself. Neglecting myself caused me to be resentful, but also was the reason I settled for her to begin with. I still have some pain too, but looking back I saw red flags and decided to ignore them. I later paid for ignoring them by being on the receiving end of her bad behavior and my own compounded resentment. My lesson is to never neglect myself again. It's a tough lesson that will probably take years to get over.
 

Epic Days

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Take a look at the false idea “There’s someone out there just for you.”

Not in reference to this woman or any woman. Just recall the very first time you heard the concept. Write it down. Then think earlier and see if you can recall an earlier moment. Write it down. When and even where you were. Who said it.

Realize that when growing up our minds are tuned to social cues. These are survival cues. Pieces of data we latch onto to survive socially. Good data such as “There’s no such thing as a perfectly tailored woman for you in any world.”, won’t go into you on top of false data. The earlier piece of data will kick it out. No many how many thousands of times you write the good data down to make it a belief.
 

daproest1

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Take a look at the false idea “There’s someone out there just for you.”

Not in reference to this woman or any woman. Just recall the very first time you heard the concept. Write it down. Then think earlier and see if you can recall an earlier moment. Write it down. When and even where you were. Who said it.

Realize that when growing up our minds are tuned to social cues. These are survival cues. Pieces of data we latch onto to survive socially. Good data such as “There’s no such thing as a perfectly tailored woman for you in any world.”, won’t go into you on top of false data. The earlier piece of data will kick it out. No many how many thousands of times you write the good data down to make it a belief.
Na I believe the truth. That’s what bothers me most. I’ve always looked for truth. I’ve always thought outside the box. Social conditioning doesn’t mean much to me. I do what I want and believe my own beliefs.

And I believe, I stumbled across a unicorn (kinda) and ruined it because of lack of LTR experience. I don’t get into LTRs. I never did before her, and haven’t after her. But we both wanted the same thing. To grow old with one another. But women are so easily influenced by outside sources. Something I was ignorant of at the time. I was always doing my own thing. WORK, and my hobbies. While she was getting brain washed by friends, family, co workers, her own insecurities, etc.

It’s not like it was a few generations ago. And there are few (if any) women I actually want to commit to. She was the exception. It’s just sad to accept that this was it for me. And now I don’t have much to look forward to really. Endless flings. Money. It’s all pretty empty. I don’t want children. I have a small family. No siblings. So once they’re gone, that’s it.

It’s just empty. Women aren’t programmed this way. They just move from dck to dck and never take accountability for their actions. With every dck, they lose a little of themselves. This is why she was different. Young. Low body count (I was her 4th). She followed my lead (until she didn’t). And only did LTRs.

There’s just no sanctity in this shiit anymore. It kinda sucks.
 

Jager

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Na I believe the truth. That’s what bothers me most. I’ve always looked for truth. I’ve always thought outside the box. Social conditioning doesn’t mean much to me. I do what I want and believe my own beliefs.

And I believe, I stumbled across a unicorn (kinda) and ruined it because of lack of LTR experience. I don’t get into LTRs. I never did before her, and haven’t after her. But we both wanted the same thing. To grow old with one another. But women are so easily influenced by outside sources. Something I was ignorant of at the time. I was always doing my own thing. WORK, and my hobbies. While she was getting brain washed by friends, family, co workers, her own insecurities, etc.

It’s not like it was a few generations ago. And there are few (if any) women I actually want to commit to. She was the exception. It’s just sad to accept that this was it for me. And now I don’t have much to look forward to really. Endless flings. Money. It’s all pretty empty. I don’t want children. I have a small family. No siblings. So once they’re gone, that’s it.

It’s just empty. Women aren’t programmed this way. They just move from dck to dck and never take accountability for their actions. With every dck, they lose a little of themselves. This is why she was different. Young. Low body count (I was her 4th). She followed my lead (until she didn’t). And only did LTRs.

There’s just no sanctity in this shiit anymore. It kinda sucks.
There was never sanctity. Nature never intended it that way. What men get put through, today and thousands of years ago, is filtering mechanism. Filtering out non-masculine men. As far as nature is concerned, only the best DNA has the right to continue. Marriages were introduced as a social construct to facilitate the construction of civilization. Why else would women nail down a guy for his resources then cheat. It’s about securing the best DNA. There is nothing evil about what women do, unless she herself is an evil woman, standing apart from the normal female sexual behaviors.

This is just the way things are. The way it has always been.
 

Epic Days

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Na I believe the truth. That’s what bothers me most. I’ve always looked for truth. I’ve always thought outside the box. Social conditioning doesn’t mean much to me. I do what I want and believe my own beliefs.

And I believe, I stumbled across a unicorn (kinda) and ruined it because of lack of LTR experience. I don’t get into LTRs. I never did before her, and haven’t after her. But we both wanted the same thing. To grow old with one another. But women are so easily influenced by outside sources. Something I was ignorant of at the time. I was always doing my own thing. WORK, and my hobbies. While she was getting brain washed by friends, family, co workers, her own insecurities, etc.

It’s not like it was a few generations ago. And there are few (if any) women I actually want to commit to. She was the exception. It’s just sad to accept that this was it for me. And now I don’t have much to look forward to really. Endless flings. Money. It’s all pretty empty. I don’t want children. I have a small family. No siblings. So once they’re gone, that’s it.

It’s just empty. Women aren’t programmed this way. They just move from dck to dck and never take accountability for their actions. With every dck, they lose a little of themselves. This is why she was different. Young. Low body count (I was her 4th). She followed my lead (until she didn’t). And only did LTRs.

There’s just no sanctity in this shiit anymore. It kinda sucks.
Well if you can’t take a leap of faith, there’s nothing anyone can do for you.

Let’s say a man has the belief that “There’s an ideal woman for him somewhere” way down inside him from when he was four.

Then he gets all kinds of really nice feelings from a woman. That social conditioning then ally’s up with that woman. The opposite of pleasure is pain. So that social conditioning then enforces pain (endocrine system) to influence a man to get back to her. It’s completely unbeknownst to him where this feelings come from. It just is, to him.

So until he removes the false data, he will suffer pain or until he assumes the “damaged man” position to relieve the pain. This is very evident based on your posts.

Good data will not go in over the top of false data. That would be a choice to leave it there. You are thus the creator of your own pain. Congratulations.
 
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daproest1

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Well if you can’t take a leap of faith, there’s nothing anyone can do for you.

Let’s say a man has the belief that “There’s an ideal woman for him somewhere” way down inside him from when he was four.

Then he gets all kinds of really nice feelings from a woman. That social conditioning then ally’s up with that woman. The opposite of pleasure is pain. So that social conditioning then enforces pain (endocrine system) to influence a man to get back to her. It’s completely unbeknownst to him where this feelings come from. It just is, to him.

So until he removes the false data, he will suffer pain or until he assumes the “damaged man” position to relieve the pain. This is very evident based on your posts.

Good data will not go in over the top of false data. That would be a choice to leave it there. You are thus the creator of your own pain. Congratulations.
I think you misunderstood me. I don’t disagree with you.
 

samspade

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I messed it up. It’s not about pedestalizing or anything like that. I neglected her. Never proposed. I was negative. It had nothing to do with her. I was stressed out for other stuff. There’s only so much a girl can take. I never cheated or anything like that. But still. I was a dyck.
"I had a uncle down Carolina, he dead now, but I remember he was grieving real hard, real hard over chasing his lady friend away. So he put himself to punishment. Took a knife to his little finger, then his ring finger. With them all bloody on the table, he pulled up short. For the rest of his life, I remember him saying, 'The ***** wasn't worth more than a pinkie.'"

- Butchie, "The Wire"
 

daproest1

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Took me two years to fully get over my ex, of six years. Don't fall into the trap of painting your ex in some fantasy.... Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You forget about all the bads and focus only on the goods.
I remember the bads. It’s just that now I realized MY bads... whereas at the time, in my mind, it was all her being difficult.
 

daproest1

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"I had a uncle down Carolina, he dead now, but I remember he was grieving real hard, real hard over chasing his lady friend away. So he put himself to punishment. Took a knife to his little finger, then his ring finger. With them all bloody on the table, he pulled up short. For the rest of his life, I remember him saying, 'The ***** wasn't worth more than a pinkie.'"

- Butchie, "The Wire"
Lmfao Jesus Christ man
 
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Epic Days

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"I had a uncle down Carolina, he dead now, but I remember he was grieving real hard, real hard over chasing his lady friend away. So he put himself to punishment. Took a knife to his little finger, then his ring finger. With them all bloody on the table, he pulled up short. For the rest of his life, I remember him saying, 'The ***** wasn't worth more than a pinkie.'"

- Butchie, "The Wire"
People cut themselves all the time. It’s been proven scientifically to reduce pain and extreme guilt.
 

Spaz

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It's only been 8 months, my friend. Let it ride itself out. It will hurt for a while, but then it will dissipate.

I would venture to say (from experience) that getting back with her wouldn't be a good thing at all, no matter how much you think it would be. You would be pacifying your aching with a familiar drug, only to become an addict again. At this moment, you are going through the withdrawal, which is always hard and when someone cares about another sincerely, it can't really be eradicated by being with other women in the short term.

Let me offer a suggestion or a perspective that might be useful:

When I found myself in a similar situation years ago, I eventually came to understand that the fallout from the relationship wasn't between her and me, but rather between myself and I. It was about my perceptions of how the world should be rather than how it is. It was about my own self-worth and my own identity. If I could believe in some destiny that meant that she and I were supposed to be together, I could feel part of something bigger than myself - a romance movie in real life.

But the truth is that reality isn't that movie. The reality is that you will care for some people who don't want to be with you. Relationships sometimes just fall apart. It happens all of the time and while it's painful, it doesn't mean that it's wrong. In fact, the dissolution of these kinds of relationships (the ones that leave us aching and depressed for their passing) are the ones that end up being the most "for us" than any other. Why? Because they help you grow stronger and more solid.

In my case, I went full-on with multiple women and had fun. Yet, I was always deeply sad for the first year or so. It ached all of the time. But, after reading some writings by a Sufi teacher, I noticed that he mentioned just sitting with the pain, no judging it, not fixing it. Rather, look at the stark beauty of the feeling. Look at it as a frozen landscape; crystalline and brutally gorgeous. Feel into it. Accept it.

Keep working on yourself and resist the temptation to try to get back with her. It won't work on an energetic level, which I'll get into another time. In fact, it would pull you back into metaphorical death. Instead, "let the dead bury the dead" and let yourself go through this winter of your heart.

It will thaw eventually into spring and love will come again like cherryblossoms on a tree. Maybe you will have learned from this current situation and will be able to do things differently the next time. Maybe you'll be more conscious. I hope so.

If not, the process starts all over again. And we keep learning...

Best wishes to you, my friend. Breathe easy. All is exactly as it should be. Nothing is wrong.
You should be posting more on Sosuave and using that gift of yours to benefit others.
 

Spaz

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I came to this forum initially because of a bad break up. I wanted to get her back and eventually marry the girl. That’s what she wanted but I kept side stepping the issue. That was ONE of our problems. An LTR of 6 years. For me from 25-31. For her from 21-27. I explained the details in a thread. I took everyone’s advice. Inboxed a few people. And have done what I could.

I’ve been with 6 other women. Women have always been pretty easy for me. I’m a good looking dude, and I took the time to learn about female psychology when I was younger. I’ve put my head down and focused on my business. On my martial arts. And on my lifting (going on 14 years now). But I still miss this girl every single day.

It’s pretty pathetic. Our issues were/are fixable. Idk how to move on. Most women are hardened now and I cant help but just pump and dump them. I just want mine. The one I had. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything I do is forced. I don’t see myself committing to anyone any time soon. Or ever... after this.

It’s been 8 months since the split, and about 3 since last point of contact. Each day I realize a bit more about where I went wrong as a man. As the leader. The guilt is killing me. And this’ll be one of my biggest regrets later on in life. Any tips? Ideally I’d like to get her back. BUT I understand why it’s unlikely, and/or impossible.

At this point I just want to.... not feel the sinking chest hopelessness anymore. I want to be ambitious and driven again. I adore the retard, but i dont think there’s much I can do.

I’ve always kept women at arm’s length before her, and I’m doing the same thing now. Difference is before her I had hope. I was right to. I met her. She was.... unique. Now, I don’t.
You're in mourning, in many ways it's a 'death' and what u r actually 'missing' is the bond that was once there.

It's not love buddy.

Again it's the bond.
 

daproest1

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You're in mourning, in many ways it's a 'death' and what u r actually 'missing' is the bond that was once there.

It's not love buddy.

Again it's the bond.
It’s more self loathing than anything else. She didn’t deserve my worst. She deserved my best. And I stopped giving it to her. I never had that bond before her. I was always getting ready for it though.

My social proof was thru the roof.
Beautiful women were easy for me.
I had gone thru dozens (being a bartender)
I already knew I wanted to start a business.
I knew exactly the type of woman I wanted.
I was young and driven.
I chose her out of abundance. Not scarcity

But now I’m just a bit lost.

I believe she did the right thing for herself. I wasn’t progressing. I wasn’t moving things forward (with her). I was consumed by my work. I was in a constant negative state (towards the end) due to external and internal factors. Which I’ve now corrected.

I just don’t have the time to grieve this and get back in the horse. I’m 31 years old. Will be 32 in November. Im having a lot of trouble moving FORWARD towards what I’m supposed to be. I’m a hyper learner when I’m pushed to be. This experience taught me things in a few months, that most men spend an entire lifetime learning. But it’s of no help when everyone is settled down and I’m not. It’s like I lost at musical chairs or something.

This kind of thing is my kryptonite and I refuse to go thru it again. And to think that all there is to life is to make money and constantly bed strangers until I no longer can is a sobering thought.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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You need to get grounded and educated in the right stuff. I'd recommend starting off with Nicomachean Ethics.
 
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