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Situation With Daughter & Her BF

logicallefty

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My daughter just turned 17. Her BF is 19 and she has been with him for 3 years. I've spoken on this forum many times about how much I love the BF almost as if he was my own kid. He's a hard azz worker with a great job as a mechanic at an elite car dealership. Treats her like a dad wants his daughter to be treated in every way, but also, calls her on her female BS when she needs it. He was having issues with his family a month or so ago so I let him come stay with me temporarily. She goes back and fourth 50/50 between me and her mother's place. He didn't move in much of his stuff as the plan was to be here for maybe 3-6 months to take a break from his family who lives about 40 miles away. And that part has been working well as he is getting along better with his family now.

So in the past couple weeks he and her have not been getting along. Last night was the first chance I got to pull my daughter asside and ask "What the fvck is going on with you two?" She said she is thinking about dumping him. After a short conversation with her beating around the bush a little bit I got her to spill the beans and her answer was both simple and complicated at the same time "He's getting too fat and I'm not attracted to him anymore". And she is correct on that, he has put on a lot of weight at my house. I cook really good healthy things like grilled meats, crock pot roasts, salads and I always offer him some 100%. I have told him that my food is his food. But most times he gets fast food, orders pizza, and other bad stuff. I asked her if he lost weight if she would likely not want to dump him and she said yes.

Needless to day this is hard on me. I don't want to be biased and tell her not to dump him. Then one part of me says "he deserves to know the problem and have a chance to fix it".. But then other side of me is like if a woman came to me and said loose weight or I dump you, I would send her packing. Then I would loose the weight and find another chick just cuz of the disrespect element of it.

I really don't know what to do, if there is even anything I should do? Maybe I should just stay out of it?
 

dude99

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My daughter just turned 17. Her BF is 19 and she has been with him for 3 years. I've spoken on this forum many times about how much I love the BF almost as if he was my own kid. He's a hard azz worker with a great job as a mechanic at an elite car dealership. Treats her like a dad wants his daughter to be treated in every way, but also, calls her on her female BS when she needs it. He was having issues with his family a month or so ago so I let him come stay with me temporarily. She goes back and fourth 50/50 between me and her mother's place. He didn't move in much of his stuff as the plan was to be here for maybe 3-6 months to take a break from his family who lives about 40 miles away. And that part has been working well as he is getting along better with his family now.

So in the past couple weeks he and her have not been getting along. Last night was the first chance I got to pull my daughter asside and ask "What the fvck is going on with you two?" She said she is thinking about dumping him. After a short conversation with her beating around the bush a little bit I got her to spill the beans and her answer was both simple and complicated at the same time "He's getting too fat and I'm not attracted to him anymore". And she is correct on that, he has put on a lot of weight at my house. I cook really good healthy things like grilled meats, crock pot roasts, salads and I always offer him some 100%. I have told him that my food is his food. But most times he gets fast food, orders pizza, and other bad stuff. I asked her if he lost weight if she would likely not want to dump him and she said yes.

Needless to day this is hard on me. I don't want to be biased and tell her not to dump him. Then one part of me says "he deserves to know the problem and have a chance to fix it".. But then other side of me is like if a woman came to me and said loose weight or I dump you, I would send her packing. Then I would loose the weight and find another chick just cuz of the disrespect element of it.

I really don't know what to do, if there is even anything I should do? Maybe I should just stay out of it?
Stay out of it. Your daughter is 17. Her frontal lobe hasn't finished developing and her moods, tastes and wants will change like the wind.

Women (girls) are the most fickle and wishy washy between 16 and 25 until their brain fully develops it would be best to stay out of it.
 

Lynx nkaf

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Disclaimer: none of my business and I don't have kids and never will so I don't know what I'm talking about. If offense is taken at the following, means you've pedastalised this human over your own daughter. Or I'm out of line and I sincerely apologise in advance, Sir.




give him notice to move out as soon as he can.


she's given you her answer, your loyalty lies with her, he's not your bro, your kid or your buddy in any way.


Respect the boundary man.

Spending too much time alone with him.

He's not her spouse.




She's given you the heads up.
Detach from him and FAST.
 

Black Widow Void

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For almost 20% of your daughters life, she's been in a relationship ... and this is last three years of a period when teenagers are maturing, questioning, typically wanting to break free of confinements.

This is intended with no disrespect to your daughter. I think that with women (girls as well) in general... they may not look at the big picture.
In other words, while the boyfriends weight gain might be a turn off, I suspect that it's also a convenient answer to her problem.

She's young. I can't speak on behalf of girls/women, but recall those teenage years. At that stage, a month can seem like a life-time and she's been in the same relationship for three years.

If she starts dating others, I suspect that the newness will be refreshing, but once it wears off (or by comparison the former three year old relationship boyfriend looks even better) she may regret the decision. But, that's how life sometimes works.
 

Scars

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This is a tough one.. even if you pull the dude aside and give him a heads up and a chance to fix his weight, he most likely is gonna take offense to it, and still might not look at your daughter the same way ever again. I know I would. It seems a bit shallow, but I also understand where she is coming from as well.

However, if you do stay out of it, she may break up with him and then rebound with some loser who you think is complete trash. (Every dad's worst nightmare).

I have a daughter myself, although she is only 7. Eventually I'm gonna run into similar scenarios. Guess I'll stick around and see what you end up doing and how this all plays out. Please give us updates.
 

SgtSplacker

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Remember this guy is just a small part of her life so far. The resentment she will feel if you side with him too heavily will last forever. You will take that resentment to the grave. I remember my late mother betrayed me once to my father, I never forgot that. Every time we would share loving moments I would remember that betrayal. I never acted on it, but it was always there.
 

Kotaix

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She would rather string him along longer and emotionally abuse him because she purportedly does not want to hurt his feelings via direct confrontation. She values him and the relationship less than she values mild discomfort. Of course that won't prevent her from picking fights over everything else.
I once met up with the gf of one of my friends for drinks. I wasn't involved with her at all but she basically told me the same thing around not wanting to hurt his feelings and she was just stringing him along. I ended up telling her that it was dead and it had to end. That did work out for the best even though I spent a good 2 hours on the phone having to convince him that I wasn't trying to screw him over and take her from him.

On the flip side, my mom tends to get attached to my girlfriends and stay in touch with them after I have decided I don't want to talk to them anymore. I won't say I resent it, but it is slightly annoying to have a parent that involved in my personal life.

You can try what you can to help the guy. But the "having issues with his family" part sounds like he hasn't been brought up in the best environment and that usually means that he's been brought up to make bad choices when it comes to food too. I would focus on trying to get him to shape up, possibly by setting the example yourself when it comes to workouts, but it's an axiom that people who aren't interested in changing aren't going to listen to any reasoning.
 

Dash Riprock

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LL,

You can teach your daughter a valuable life lesson about the importance of communication, which young people absolutely s*uck at, and that stringing someone along actually does a lot more damage than good as you're wasting your time and theirs.

I would coach her on telling her bf that she's concerned about his health and think they BOTH should start an exercise regimen. So she exercises with him (as a show of support), it can also be a couple activity. Bike, hike, run, paddle board, weights, there are a million ways to keep in shape pandemic or not.

If the boyfriend is resistant or combative, THEN she has every right to dump him as that will likely be his attitude into adulthood. If she DOES dump him, it may open his eyes, and ironically he may get himself in shape on his own.

She's 17, not 57, so physical appearance and "looks" in her partner are really important. He needs to be aware of this. At 19, he's probably pretty clueless on all things women.

Good luck.
 

Bible_Belt

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I don't think it is really his weight. She has probably lost attraction because he is around too much, too accessible, and no longer a challenge. She is not capable of realizing or expressing those emotions, so they get projected at his weight. If the genders were reversed here, it would be more believable, but attraction for females is much more complex than it is for us men.
 

Lynx nkaf

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Cringe Lynx... your thinking like a girl again. I have a teenage daughter and her first God was me and her first man.
The manipulation young daughters can do is very telling.

If my daughter ever comes to me with guy trouble and she is not with a loser or a plain bad guy she better be in the right because i will call her out if she is being a manipulative turd.
Unfortunately my daughters mother has a shytty influence here but i still have to.live by my principals regardless.

Ultimately respect her decision but i always don't have to agree with her either.
There are a few views in this thread that are not only bad advice but are actually adding to the very problems that are bitched about. How ironic too.
And this is a redpill site.
Game applies to all areas of life including our moms sisters or daughters.
I agree....up to a certain point.

My nuclear family was tight. Now Dad's dead and we've grown apart a tiny little bit.

Even so, loyalty is supreme.

One of us says in a phone call at 3am to come over with a shovel no questions asked....we do it.

(trying to mimic a post on sosuave by rangermlke? which talked about loyalty between veteran bros)

I have that in my family stringpuller.
So you're right on thinking like a girl again. Solipsisticly speaking.
I'm ethnocentric in that I just think every other nuclear(parents/children/siblings) should be this loyal. Red pill, red schmill regardless.

I'm wrong. I know.

But I still don't know many other families like what we had. So its the worldview I know and how I'm wired.
 

2Rocky

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So removing ALL emotion from it...Your Daughter doesn't like your roommate.

If he wasn't dating your daughter, what would you do?

Would you tell your daughter to "deal with it" he's your roommate, or would you tell your roommate he needs to find another place?
 

BeExcellent

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I’m with @Dash Riprock on this one. Your daughter and her boyfriend need to have a conversation about this issue (and whatever iceberg this might be the tip of.)

My son is 17 and just graduated high school last month. For most of his junior & senior year (about 14 months) he had a cute girlfriend...but she had a body type prone to weight gain. She is a state champ softball player and a cute girl, just pudgy in places. He dumped her (I don’t know exactly how the conversation went) because he was more attracted to another girl who is thinner and also pretty. More naturally pretty Id say.

Point is your daughter has got to communicate.

Weight issues granted are sensitive with young people. I have a 15 year old daughter who has Barbie looks...but she has gained weight up to 156-160 lbs. on her 5’8” frame. She’s too heavy. She’s going to be at a disadvantage in life due to the weight, and it sucks because she has model caliber height & beauty.

I actually think that similar to @lynx Naf here she subconsciously eats to keep weight on to avoid male attention. Boys have hovered around her for years since she was about age 9 because she’s so pretty...she has the thickest most gorgeous blonde hair too with natural waves and body that is shampoo commercial type hair. She chops it off shoulder length I believe for the same reason (to avoid male attention and downplay her natural beauty.)

No offense Lynx by the way...I know you deal with a very masculine career and understand your rationale...

I just feel my daughter is squandering her natural blessings by letting herself go. She is disrespecting herself and her health and her body that way...but everyone around her is also fat so therefore I’m the problem.

When I had a delicate but direct conversation about it with my 15 yo daughter my daughter tried to turn the whole conversation into a narrative of “you are judging me and don’t like me because I’m fat” etc. etc., and I could smack my ex husband who took my daughter’s side, got her into a grossly overweight therapist who thinks I’m out of line and of course my daughter lives in the Midwest where women run heavier anyway...and of course none of my daughters friends are thin...they are all heavy.

Point is, weight is a sensitive issue independent of everything else. My plan is to move my daughter to a warmer, fitter environment and get her into the gym & hiking & playing soccer regularly with young women who are a better lifestyle influence. I’m going to do that if possible prior to the start of the next school year.

Strangely enough the fact that Im 5’6” and 115 lbs. kinda works against me in this. The overweight herd doesn’t like their own obesity to be a focus vis a vis my daughter.

But my ex hus band (who has also let himself go physically) has been no support in this whatsoever. Deeply disappointing.

Your daughter has to lay it out for him Lefty. If that happens and the BF wants to make the effort then you guys can lift or work out together and you can model good eating & lifestyle habits. But that’s really all you can do. She’s got to talk to him about it and not avoid the inherent conflict. That’s the lesson you must teach her. Not to avoid conflict.
 

Alvafe

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I agree....up to a certain point.

My nuclear family was tight. Now Dad's dead and we've grown apart a tiny little bit.

Even so, loyalty is supreme.

One of us says in a phone call at 3am to come over with a shovel no questions asked....we do it.

(trying to mimic a post on sosuave by rangermlke? which talked about loyalty between veteran bros)

I have that in my family stringpuller.
So you're right on thinking like a girl again. Solipsisticly speaking.
I'm ethnocentric in that I just think every other nuclear(parents/children/siblings) should be this loyal. Red pill, red schmill regardless.

I'm wrong. I know.

But I still don't know many other families like what we had. So its the worldview I know and how I'm wired.

I say to not mix loyalty to follow people blind, sometimes being loyal means calling teh crap they are doing, not waiting the trainwreck happen.

for @logicallefty , ther eis not much the kid can be nice, and as her father he want her to stay with someone who is not an ass, or a Sh!tty person.

there is no right answer calling her to stop wasting his and her time and end it already so he can find someone else, or tell him he should become stronger to deal with his daughter, both thing can go right or wrong, same for not doing anything. plus we don't know the whole situatuion and relationship btw the kids and the op.

he can and should be a positive influence to both, but at the same time he need to let then make mistakes, so here is what he should do, do something you wanted to have done for you, nothing too pushy and just a warning telling him to start to workout and her the same can help, also do she have a stellar body to really expect this much?

in the end just do something you will not feel bad in doing, doing nothing is also doing something
 

metalwater

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not sure how long you have to fix this problem before she takes action. as others have said and you already know we stand in front of, beside and behind our kids. whatever you do for him; is really for your own kid.

if time enough; invite/insist he run and lift with you. you teach(mentor) him directly without ever telling why or tell him it is for his personal growth. never tell him anything your daughter told you. if you believe that physical is the only issue and not a catch-all for other dissatisfaction such as another boy has caught her eye.

if she dumps him; you have to also.

if it works out; you can tell him in a few years(5 or 10) from now.
 

Hal9000

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If your son decided to dump his GF because she couldnt get along with her family and she had gotten fat you wouldn't give supporting him a second thought. Besides its highly unlikely a girl will start dating a boy at 14 and they will live happily ever after.
 

zekko

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You can teach your daughter a valuable life lesson about the importance of communication, which young people absolutely s*uck at, and that stringing someone along actually does a lot more damage than good as you're wasting your time and theirs.

I would coach her on telling her bf that she's concerned about his health and think they BOTH should start an exercise regimen. So she exercises with him (as a show of support), it can also be a couple activity. Bike, hike, run, paddle board, weights, there are a million ways to keep in shape pandemic or not.
I was leaning toward the stay out of it side, but I think I like this better.

But he can bike, hike, run, and paddle all he wants, if he keeps eating that fast food diet he's going to balloon up. If not now, later. And if she stays with him, she might end up influenced by him and start eating the same way and fatten up herself. Not good all the way around. Anyway, as has been said, they're both pretty young. If she doesn't break up with him over this, it will likely be something else.
 

ImTheDoubleGreatest!

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Dash had a good idea, but your daughter needing to be able to ease in the ‘I care about you’ narrative will indirectly teach her about manipulation which she’ll use against him later on if she can’t get her way, and it’ll also make her resent him a bit simply because she’s the one having to tell him/order him to do the work like this (women don’t like having to tell a man to do this stuff because it’s of the essence of man; they feel it should be innate). It can cause bigger problems down the line because of that.

Quite frankly, I’m not on the side of staying out of it just because if I were in his shoes, I’d like to know wtf is going on. As such, I believe there’s another possible solution. But firstly, I’d like to point something out:

Him ordering takeout and unhealthy food is likely because he feels weird/awkward/embarrassed/shameful having to eat your food. He doesn’t like doing it. Why? It makes him feel as if he can’t provide for your daughter and not even himself, so he has to rely on his girlfriend’s dad for help—it’s emasculating. He still feels like a stranger in that way basically. He also doesn’t feel comfortable, or perhaps is too tired to, to cook for himself something that’s healthier and lower in calories. I know that’s how I’d feel if I were in his shoes anyway.

What you’ll have to do is just tell him that he’s gaining weight. “We were talking and it was just one of those things that slipped out and mentioned in passing, but I could tell based off other things she was saying and how she said it, along with the way you two were fighting—just the whole situation in general really—that this is why she’s been treating you this way. She’s losing respect for you because you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. You just don’t look like the same person anymore. If you fix this issue, you’ll find everything else will take care of itself. All th problems you two have been having and everything, it’ll its away on its own. And I know it sucks, but it’s just one of those man things that we guys gotta do. If you let yourself go, women won’t respect you anymore simply because it shows that you aren’t respecting yourself.”

Or smth like that anyway. Don’t frame it in a “you’re fat” kind of way, frame it in a “you’re letting yourself go” kind of way, and then twist it and contort it into “a man needs to be strong, if you don’t look like you can take care of her, then she won’t think you can take care of her”, then to “she can’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself”. You have to do it like this so that he feels like it’s his fault, without feeling like you are blaming him. This way he won’t just up and leave like you said (or at the very least he’s less likely to).

Also, don’t do this in front of your daughter either, she can’t know about this. If your she asks way later on in the future, just say that sent him an anonymous tip and give her a wink, and then just leave it at that. But for right now, don’t let her know that you had this man talk with him or else she may feel like you’re going against her and/or meddling in her relationship. If she breaks up with him at the age she’s in right now, she’s gonna be a LOT more prone to riding the CC, so truthfully I think you should avoid that. They were probably screwing each other anyway when you weren’t around anyway (before he got fat at least). You don’t wanna break up a relationship between high school sweethearts when it’s lasted this long because then it’ll just make them both more jadedness people. Let this be one of those ‘tough time’ phases that couples go through, and tell your daughter that that’s all this is and that they’ll get through it, and that you’ll even take him under your wing so that he can get back on track, at least until he gets the hang of it (exercising).

If after all this he doesn’t change or he wants to leave her, or if he’s just very resistant to change and all of this, then leave it. She’d have every right to dump him after that. I don’t think it’ll get to that point, especially since you have some leverage over him right now considering that he lives with you, but just thought I’d mention that.

Which reminds me—the fact that you have leverage over him AND your daughter in this situation gives you tremendous power just by nature of being her father and being the homeowner. I find it ridiculous that you wouldn’t use such a thing to your advantage. The others suggesting to just leave it alone and stay out of it probably just don’t know how to deal with this situation, but honestly this is an incredible opportunity to not only strengthen the relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend, but also to establish yourself as a wiseman/mentor for her boyfriend. It just requires a lot of precision (with your words) and diplomacy. If you play this out correctly, you can gain a foothold in their relationship as a middle man, giving yourself that much more power in their relationship, all without them even knowing. In doing so, you now have the ability to prevent a situation like this from happening ever again because you’d be able to mediate any problem that’s going on between them.

God bless.
 
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