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Situation With Daughter & Her BF

logicallefty

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My daughter just turned 17. Her BF is 19 and she has been with him for 3 years. I've spoken on this forum many times about how much I love the BF almost as if he was my own kid. He's a hard azz worker with a great job as a mechanic at an elite car dealership. Treats her like a dad wants his daughter to be treated in every way, but also, calls her on her female BS when she needs it. He was having issues with his family a month or so ago so I let him come stay with me temporarily. She goes back and fourth 50/50 between me and her mother's place. He didn't move in much of his stuff as the plan was to be here for maybe 3-6 months to take a break from his family who lives about 40 miles away. And that part has been working well as he is getting along better with his family now.

So in the past couple weeks he and her have not been getting along. Last night was the first chance I got to pull my daughter asside and ask "What the fvck is going on with you two?" She said she is thinking about dumping him. After a short conversation with her beating around the bush a little bit I got her to spill the beans and her answer was both simple and complicated at the same time "He's getting too fat and I'm not attracted to him anymore". And she is correct on that, he has put on a lot of weight at my house. I cook really good healthy things like grilled meats, crock pot roasts, salads and I always offer him some 100%. I have told him that my food is his food. But most times he gets fast food, orders pizza, and other bad stuff. I asked her if he lost weight if she would likely not want to dump him and she said yes.

Needless to day this is hard on me. I don't want to be biased and tell her not to dump him. Then one part of me says "he deserves to know the problem and have a chance to fix it".. But then other side of me is like if a woman came to me and said loose weight or I dump you, I would send her packing. Then I would loose the weight and find another chick just cuz of the disrespect element of it.

I really don't know what to do, if there is even anything I should do? Maybe I should just stay out of it?
 

dude99

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My daughter just turned 17. Her BF is 19 and she has been with him for 3 years. I've spoken on this forum many times about how much I love the BF almost as if he was my own kid. He's a hard azz worker with a great job as a mechanic at an elite car dealership. Treats her like a dad wants his daughter to be treated in every way, but also, calls her on her female BS when she needs it. He was having issues with his family a month or so ago so I let him come stay with me temporarily. She goes back and fourth 50/50 between me and her mother's place. He didn't move in much of his stuff as the plan was to be here for maybe 3-6 months to take a break from his family who lives about 40 miles away. And that part has been working well as he is getting along better with his family now.

So in the past couple weeks he and her have not been getting along. Last night was the first chance I got to pull my daughter asside and ask "What the fvck is going on with you two?" She said she is thinking about dumping him. After a short conversation with her beating around the bush a little bit I got her to spill the beans and her answer was both simple and complicated at the same time "He's getting too fat and I'm not attracted to him anymore". And she is correct on that, he has put on a lot of weight at my house. I cook really good healthy things like grilled meats, crock pot roasts, salads and I always offer him some 100%. I have told him that my food is his food. But most times he gets fast food, orders pizza, and other bad stuff. I asked her if he lost weight if she would likely not want to dump him and she said yes.

Needless to day this is hard on me. I don't want to be biased and tell her not to dump him. Then one part of me says "he deserves to know the problem and have a chance to fix it".. But then other side of me is like if a woman came to me and said loose weight or I dump you, I would send her packing. Then I would loose the weight and find another chick just cuz of the disrespect element of it.

I really don't know what to do, if there is even anything I should do? Maybe I should just stay out of it?
Stay out of it. Your daughter is 17. Her frontal lobe hasn't finished developing and her moods, tastes and wants will change like the wind.

Women (girls) are the most fickle and wishy washy between 16 and 25 until their brain fully develops it would be best to stay out of it.
 

Lynx nkaf

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Disclaimer: none of my business and I don't have kids and never will so I don't know what I'm talking about. If offense is taken at the following, means you've pedastalised this human over your own daughter. Or I'm out of line and I sincerely apologise in advance, Sir.




give him notice to move out as soon as he can.


she's given you her answer, your loyalty lies with her, he's not your bro, your kid or your buddy in any way.


Respect the boundary man.

Spending too much time alone with him.

He's not her spouse.




She's given you the heads up.
Detach from him and FAST.
 

Black Widow Void

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For almost 20% of your daughters life, she's been in a relationship ... and this is last three years of a period when teenagers are maturing, questioning, typically wanting to break free of confinements.

This is intended with no disrespect to your daughter. I think that with women (girls as well) in general... they may not look at the big picture.
In other words, while the boyfriends weight gain might be a turn off, I suspect that it's also a convenient answer to her problem.

She's young. I can't speak on behalf of girls/women, but recall those teenage years. At that stage, a month can seem like a life-time and she's been in the same relationship for three years.

If she starts dating others, I suspect that the newness will be refreshing, but once it wears off (or by comparison the former three year old relationship boyfriend looks even better) she may regret the decision. But, that's how life sometimes works.
 

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Scars

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This is a tough one.. even if you pull the dude aside and give him a heads up and a chance to fix his weight, he most likely is gonna take offense to it, and still might not look at your daughter the same way ever again. I know I would. It seems a bit shallow, but I also understand where she is coming from as well.

However, if you do stay out of it, she may break up with him and then rebound with some loser who you think is complete trash. (Every dad's worst nightmare).

I have a daughter myself, although she is only 7. Eventually I'm gonna run into similar scenarios. Guess I'll stick around and see what you end up doing and how this all plays out. Please give us updates.
 

SgtSplacker

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Remember this guy is just a small part of her life so far. The resentment she will feel if you side with him too heavily will last forever. You will take that resentment to the grave. I remember my late mother betrayed me once to my father, I never forgot that. Every time we would share loving moments I would remember that betrayal. I never acted on it, but it was always there.
 

LARaiders85

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My daughter just turned 17. Her BF is 19 and she has been with him for 3 years. I've spoken on this forum many times about how much I love the BF almost as if he was my own kid. He's a hard azz worker with a great job as a mechanic at an elite car dealership. Treats her like a dad wants his daughter to be treated in every way, but also, calls her on her female BS when she needs it. He was having issues with his family a month or so ago so I let him come stay with me temporarily. She goes back and fourth 50/50 between me and her mother's place. He didn't move in much of his stuff as the plan was to be here for maybe 3-6 months to take a break from his family who lives about 40 miles away. And that part has been working well as he is getting along better with his family now.

So in the past couple weeks he and her have not been getting along. Last night was the first chance I got to pull my daughter asside and ask "What the fvck is going on with you two?" She said she is thinking about dumping him. After a short conversation with her beating around the bush a little bit I got her to spill the beans and her answer was both simple and complicated at the same time "He's getting too fat and I'm not attracted to him anymore". And she is correct on that, he has put on a lot of weight at my house. I cook really good healthy things like grilled meats, crock pot roasts, salads and I always offer him some 100%. I have told him that my food is his food. But most times he gets fast food, orders pizza, and other bad stuff. I asked her if he lost weight if she would likely not want to dump him and she said yes.

Needless to day this is hard on me. I don't want to be biased and tell her not to dump him. Then one part of me says "he deserves to know the problem and have a chance to fix it".. But then other side of me is like if a woman came to me and said loose weight or I dump you, I would send her packing. Then I would loose the weight and find another chick just cuz of the disrespect element of it.

I really don't know what to do, if there is even anything I should do? Maybe I should just stay out of it?
She would rather string him along longer and emotionally abuse him because she purportedly does not want to hurt his feelings via direct confrontation. She values him and the relationship less than she values mild discomfort. Of course that won't prevent her from picking fights over everything else.
 

Kotaix

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She would rather string him along longer and emotionally abuse him because she purportedly does not want to hurt his feelings via direct confrontation. She values him and the relationship less than she values mild discomfort. Of course that won't prevent her from picking fights over everything else.
I once met up with the gf of one of my friends for drinks. I wasn't involved with her at all but she basically told me the same thing around not wanting to hurt his feelings and she was just stringing him along. I ended up telling her that it was dead and it had to end. That did work out for the best even though I spent a good 2 hours on the phone having to convince him that I wasn't trying to screw him over and take her from him.

On the flip side, my mom tends to get attached to my girlfriends and stay in touch with them after I have decided I don't want to talk to them anymore. I won't say I resent it, but it is slightly annoying to have a parent that involved in my personal life.

You can try what you can to help the guy. But the "having issues with his family" part sounds like he hasn't been brought up in the best environment and that usually means that he's been brought up to make bad choices when it comes to food too. I would focus on trying to get him to shape up, possibly by setting the example yourself when it comes to workouts, but it's an axiom that people who aren't interested in changing aren't going to listen to any reasoning.
 

stringpuller

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My daughter just turned 17. Her BF is 19 and she has been with him for 3 years. I've spoken on this forum many times about how much I love the BF almost as if he was my own kid. He's a hard azz worker with a great job as a mechanic at an elite car dealership. Treats her like a dad wants his daughter to be treated in every way, but also, calls her on her female BS when she needs it. He was having issues with his family a month or so ago so I let him come stay with me temporarily. She goes back and fourth 50/50 between me and her mother's place. He didn't move in much of his stuff as the plan was to be here for maybe 3-6 months to take a break from his family who lives about 40 miles away. And that part has been working well as he is getting along better with his family now.

So in the past couple weeks he and her have not been getting along. Last night was the first chance I got to pull my daughter asside and ask "What the fvck is going on with you two?" She said she is thinking about dumping him. After a short conversation with her beating around the bush a little bit I got her to spill the beans and her answer was both simple and complicated at the same time "He's getting too fat and I'm not attracted to him anymore". And she is correct on that, he has put on a lot of weight at my house. I cook really good healthy things like grilled meats, crock pot roasts, salads and I always offer him some 100%. I have told him that my food is his food. But most times he gets fast food, orders pizza, and other bad stuff. I asked her if he lost weight if she would likely not want to dump him and she said yes.

Needless to day this is hard on me. I don't want to be biased and tell her not to dump him. Then one part of me says "he deserves to know the problem and have a chance to fix it".. But then other side of me is like if a woman came to me and said loose weight or I dump you, I would send her packing. Then I would loose the weight and find another chick just cuz of the disrespect element of it.

I really don't know what to do, if there is even anything I should do? Maybe I should just stay out of it?
Lefty im leaning in the leave it alone area but have you shared any Redpill stuff with this kid?
He should take his fitness seriously.

My daughter just turned 15. This shyt is right around the corner for me. Our daughters are still women. Redpill101
 

Dash Riprock

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LL,

You can teach your daughter a valuable life lesson about the importance of communication, which young people absolutely s*uck at, and that stringing someone along actually does a lot more damage than good as you're wasting your time and theirs.

I would coach her on telling her bf that she's concerned about his health and think they BOTH should start an exercise regimen. So she exercises with him (as a show of support), it can also be a couple activity. Bike, hike, run, paddle board, weights, there are a million ways to keep in shape pandemic or not.

If the boyfriend is resistant or combative, THEN she has every right to dump him as that will likely be his attitude into adulthood. If she DOES dump him, it may open his eyes, and ironically he may get himself in shape on his own.

She's 17, not 57, so physical appearance and "looks" in her partner are really important. He needs to be aware of this. At 19, he's probably pretty clueless on all things women.

Good luck.
 

Bible_Belt

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I don't think it is really his weight. She has probably lost attraction because he is around too much, too accessible, and no longer a challenge. She is not capable of realizing or expressing those emotions, so they get projected at his weight. If the genders were reversed here, it would be more believable, but attraction for females is much more complex than it is for us men.
 

stringpuller

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Disclaimer: none of my business and I don't have kids and never will so I don't know what I'm talking about. If offense is taken at the following, means you've pedastalised this human over your own daughter. Or I'm out of line and I sincerely apologise in advance, Sir.




give him notice to move out as soon as he can.


she's given you her answer, your loyalty lies with her, he's not your bro, your kid or your buddy in any way.


Respect the boundary man.

Spending too much time alone with him.

He's not her spouse.




She's given you the heads up.
Detach from him and FAST.
Cringe Lynx... your thinking like a girl again. I have a teenage daughter and her first God was me and her first man.
The manipulation young daughters can do is very telling.

If my daughter ever comes to me with guy trouble and she is not with a loser or a plain bad guy she better be in the right because i will call her out if she is being a manipulative turd.
Unfortunately my daughters mother has a shytty influence here but i still have to.live by my principals regardless.

Ultimately respect her decision but i always don't have to agree with her either.
There are a few views in this thread that are not only bad advice but are actually adding to the very problems that are bitched about. How ironic too.
And this is a redpill site.
Game applies to all areas of life including our moms sisters or daughters.
 

Lynx nkaf

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Cringe Lynx... your thinking like a girl again. I have a teenage daughter and her first God was me and her first man.
The manipulation young daughters can do is very telling.

If my daughter ever comes to me with guy trouble and she is not with a loser or a plain bad guy she better be in the right because i will call her out if she is being a manipulative turd.
Unfortunately my daughters mother has a shytty influence here but i still have to.live by my principals regardless.

Ultimately respect her decision but i always don't have to agree with her either.
There are a few views in this thread that are not only bad advice but are actually adding to the very problems that are bitched about. How ironic too.
And this is a redpill site.
Game applies to all areas of life including our moms sisters or daughters.
I agree....up to a certain point.

My nuclear family was tight. Now Dad's dead and we've grown apart a tiny little bit.

Even so, loyalty is supreme.

One of us says in a phone call at 3am to come over with a shovel no questions asked....we do it.

(trying to mimic a post on sosuave by rangermlke? which talked about loyalty between veteran bros)

I have that in my family stringpuller.
So you're right on thinking like a girl again. Solipsisticly speaking.
I'm ethnocentric in that I just think every other nuclear(parents/children/siblings) should be this loyal. Red pill, red schmill regardless.

I'm wrong. I know.

But I still don't know many other families like what we had. So its the worldview I know and how I'm wired.
 

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stringpuller

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I agree....up to a certain point.

My nuclear family was tight. Now Dad's dead and we've grown apart a tiny little bit.

Even so, loyalty is supreme.

One of us says in a phone call at 3am to come over with a shovel no questions asked....we do it.

(trying to mimic a post on sosuave by rangermlke? which talked about loyalty between veteran bros)

I have that in my family stringpuller.
So you're right on thinking like a girl again. Solipsisticly speaking.
I'm ethnocentric in that I just think every other nuclear(parents/children/siblings) should be this loyal. Red pill, red schmill regardless.

I'm wrong. I know.

But I still don't know many other families like what we had. So its the worldview I know and how I'm wired.
Respect that.
However one of the most cringy thkngs to me as a man is watching an acquaintance in my past goo over his hore slut of a daughter who is destroying peoples lives and a couple of these there was illegal shyt going on.

If it were my daughter i would have disowned her. My point is that males have an uncanny way of rationalizing away female behaviors and daddys girls are a part of that. We have this idea that our job is to be our children's best friends and that's just not the case.

Now LLs example isnt this extreme and is most common for parents to go through but when it comes to shytty behavior it is what it is.
 

2Rocky

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So removing ALL emotion from it...Your Daughter doesn't like your roommate.

If he wasn't dating your daughter, what would you do?

Would you tell your daughter to "deal with it" he's your roommate, or would you tell your roommate he needs to find another place?
 

BeExcellent

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I’m with @Dash Riprock on this one. Your daughter and her boyfriend need to have a conversation about this issue (and whatever iceberg this might be the tip of.)

My son is 17 and just graduated high school last month. For most of his junior & senior year (about 14 months) he had a cute girlfriend...but she had a body type prone to weight gain. She is a state champ softball player and a cute girl, just pudgy in places. He dumped her (I don’t know exactly how the conversation went) because he was more attracted to another girl who is thinner and also pretty. More naturally pretty Id say.

Point is your daughter has got to communicate.

Weight issues granted are sensitive with young people. I have a 15 year old daughter who has Barbie looks...but she has gained weight up to 156-160 lbs. on her 5’8” frame. She’s too heavy. She’s going to be at a disadvantage in life due to the weight, and it sucks because she has model caliber height & beauty.

I actually think that similar to @lynx Naf here she subconsciously eats to keep weight on to avoid male attention. Boys have hovered around her for years since she was about age 9 because she’s so pretty...she has the thickest most gorgeous blonde hair too with natural waves and body that is shampoo commercial type hair. She chops it off shoulder length I believe for the same reason (to avoid male attention and downplay her natural beauty.)

No offense Lynx by the way...I know you deal with a very masculine career and understand your rationale...

I just feel my daughter is squandering her natural blessings by letting herself go. She is disrespecting herself and her health and her body that way...but everyone around her is also fat so therefore I’m the problem.

When I had a delicate but direct conversation about it with my 15 yo daughter my daughter tried to turn the whole conversation into a narrative of “you are judging me and don’t like me because I’m fat” etc. etc., and I could smack my ex husband who took my daughter’s side, got her into a grossly overweight therapist who thinks I’m out of line and of course my daughter lives in the Midwest where women run heavier anyway...and of course none of my daughters friends are thin...they are all heavy.

Point is, weight is a sensitive issue independent of everything else. My plan is to move my daughter to a warmer, fitter environment and get her into the gym & hiking & playing soccer regularly with young women who are a better lifestyle influence. I’m going to do that if possible prior to the start of the next school year.

Strangely enough the fact that Im 5’6” and 115 lbs. kinda works against me in this. The overweight herd doesn’t like their own obesity to be a focus vis a vis my daughter.

But my ex hus band (who has also let himself go physically) has been no support in this whatsoever. Deeply disappointing.

Your daughter has to lay it out for him Lefty. If that happens and the BF wants to make the effort then you guys can lift or work out together and you can model good eating & lifestyle habits. But that’s really all you can do. She’s got to talk to him about it and not avoid the inherent conflict. That’s the lesson you must teach her. Not to avoid conflict.
 

stringpuller

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I’m with @Dash Riprock on this one. Your daughter and her boyfriend need to have a conversation about this issue (and whatever iceberg this might be the tip of.)

My son is 17 and just graduated high school last month. For most of his junior & senior year (about 14 months) he had a cute girlfriend...but she had a body type prone to weight gain. She is a state champ softball player and a cute girl, just pudgy in places. He dumped her (I don’t know exactly how the conversation went) because he was more attracted to another girl who is thinner and also pretty. More naturally pretty Id say.

Point is your daughter has got to communicate.

Weight issues granted are sensitive with young people. I have a 15 year old daughter who has Barbie looks...but she has gained weight up to 156-160 lbs. on her 5’8” frame. She’s too heavy. She’s going to be at a disadvantage in life due to the weight, and it sucks because she has model caliber height & beauty.

I actually think that similar to @lynx Naf here she subconsciously eats to keep weight on to avoid male attention. Boys have hovered around her for years since she was about age 9 because she’s so pretty...she has the thickest most gorgeous blonde hair too with natural waves and body that is shampoo commercial type hair. She chops it off shoulder length I believe for the same reason (to avoid male attention and downplay her natural beauty.)

No offense Lynx by the way...I know you deal with a very masculine career and understand your rationale...

I just feel my daughter is squandering her natural blessings by letting herself go. She is disrespecting herself and her health and her body that way...but everyone around her is also fat so therefore I’m the problem.

When I had a delicate but direct conversation about it with my 15 yo daughter my daughter tried to turn the whole conversation into a narrative of “you are judging me and don’t like me because I’m fat” etc. etc., and I could smack my ex husband who took my daughter’s side, got her into a grossly overweight therapist who thinks I’m out of line and of course my daughter lives in the Midwest where women run heavier anyway...and of course none of my daughters friends are thin...they are all heavy.

Point is, weight is a sensitive issue independent of everything else. My plan is to move my daughter to a warmer, fitter environment and get her into the gym & hiking & playing soccer regularly with young women who are a better lifestyle influence. I’m going to do that if possible prior to the start of the next school year.

Strangely enough the fact that Im 5’6” and 115 lbs. kinda works against me in this. The overweight herd doesn’t like their own obesity to be a focus vis a vis my daughter.

But my ex hus band (who has also let himself go physically) has been no support in this whatsoever. Deeply disappointing.

Your daughter has to lay it out for him Lefty. If that happens and the BF wants to make the effort then you guys can lift or work out together and you can model good eating & lifestyle habits. But that’s really all you can do. She’s got to talk to him about it and not avoid the inherent conflict. That’s the lesson you must teach her. Not to avoid conflict.
America has an obesity problem altogether. Anyone who has traveled enough knows this. Yes their are chubbies abroad but not nearly as much.
My son is 26 and settled for a chubby girl with a kid.
He will learn on his own. I did what i could. Its on him now
 

Alvafe

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I agree....up to a certain point.

My nuclear family was tight. Now Dad's dead and we've grown apart a tiny little bit.

Even so, loyalty is supreme.

One of us says in a phone call at 3am to come over with a shovel no questions asked....we do it.

(trying to mimic a post on sosuave by rangermlke? which talked about loyalty between veteran bros)

I have that in my family stringpuller.
So you're right on thinking like a girl again. Solipsisticly speaking.
I'm ethnocentric in that I just think every other nuclear(parents/children/siblings) should be this loyal. Red pill, red schmill regardless.

I'm wrong. I know.

But I still don't know many other families like what we had. So its the worldview I know and how I'm wired.

I say to not mix loyalty to follow people blind, sometimes being loyal means calling teh crap they are doing, not waiting the trainwreck happen.

for @logicallefty , ther eis not much the kid can be nice, and as her father he want her to stay with someone who is not an ass, or a Sh!tty person.

there is no right answer calling her to stop wasting his and her time and end it already so he can find someone else, or tell him he should become stronger to deal with his daughter, both thing can go right or wrong, same for not doing anything. plus we don't know the whole situatuion and relationship btw the kids and the op.

he can and should be a positive influence to both, but at the same time he need to let then make mistakes, so here is what he should do, do something you wanted to have done for you, nothing too pushy and just a warning telling him to start to workout and her the same can help, also do she have a stellar body to really expect this much?

in the end just do something you will not feel bad in doing, doing nothing is also doing something
 
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