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Situation With Daughter & Her BF

metalwater

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not sure how long you have to fix this problem before she takes action. as others have said and you already know we stand in front of, beside and behind our kids. whatever you do for him; is really for your own kid.

if time enough; invite/insist he run and lift with you. you teach(mentor) him directly without ever telling why or tell him it is for his personal growth. never tell him anything your daughter told you. if you believe that physical is the only issue and not a catch-all for other dissatisfaction such as another boy has caught her eye.

if she dumps him; you have to also.

if it works out; you can tell him in a few years(5 or 10) from now.
 

Hal9000

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If your son decided to dump his GF because she couldnt get along with her family and she had gotten fat you wouldn't give supporting him a second thought. Besides its highly unlikely a girl will start dating a boy at 14 and they will live happily ever after.
 

zekko

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You can teach your daughter a valuable life lesson about the importance of communication, which young people absolutely s*uck at, and that stringing someone along actually does a lot more damage than good as you're wasting your time and theirs.

I would coach her on telling her bf that she's concerned about his health and think they BOTH should start an exercise regimen. So she exercises with him (as a show of support), it can also be a couple activity. Bike, hike, run, paddle board, weights, there are a million ways to keep in shape pandemic or not.
I was leaning toward the stay out of it side, but I think I like this better.

But he can bike, hike, run, and paddle all he wants, if he keeps eating that fast food diet he's going to balloon up. If not now, later. And if she stays with him, she might end up influenced by him and start eating the same way and fatten up herself. Not good all the way around. Anyway, as has been said, they're both pretty young. If she doesn't break up with him over this, it will likely be something else.
 

ImTheDoubleGreatest!

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Dash had a good idea, but your daughter needing to be able to ease in the ‘I care about you’ narrative will indirectly teach her about manipulation which she’ll use against him later on if she can’t get her way, and it’ll also make her resent him a bit simply because she’s the one having to tell him/order him to do the work like this (women don’t like having to tell a man to do this stuff because it’s of the essence of man; they feel it should be innate). It can cause bigger problems down the line because of that.

Quite frankly, I’m not on the side of staying out of it just because if I were in his shoes, I’d like to know wtf is going on. As such, I believe there’s another possible solution. But firstly, I’d like to point something out:

Him ordering takeout and unhealthy food is likely because he feels weird/awkward/embarrassed/shameful having to eat your food. He doesn’t like doing it. Why? It makes him feel as if he can’t provide for your daughter and not even himself, so he has to rely on his girlfriend’s dad for help—it’s emasculating. He still feels like a stranger in that way basically. He also doesn’t feel comfortable, or perhaps is too tired to, to cook for himself something that’s healthier and lower in calories. I know that’s how I’d feel if I were in his shoes anyway.

What you’ll have to do is just tell him that he’s gaining weight. “We were talking and it was just one of those things that slipped out and mentioned in passing, but I could tell based off other things she was saying and how she said it, along with the way you two were fighting—just the whole situation in general really—that this is why she’s been treating you this way. She’s losing respect for you because you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. You just don’t look like the same person anymore. If you fix this issue, you’ll find everything else will take care of itself. All th problems you two have been having and everything, it’ll its away on its own. And I know it sucks, but it’s just one of those man things that we guys gotta do. If you let yourself go, women won’t respect you anymore simply because it shows that you aren’t respecting yourself.”

Or smth like that anyway. Don’t frame it in a “you’re fat” kind of way, frame it in a “you’re letting yourself go” kind of way, and then twist it and contort it into “a man needs to be strong, if you don’t look like you can take care of her, then she won’t think you can take care of her”, then to “she can’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself”. You have to do it like this so that he feels like it’s his fault, without feeling like you are blaming him. This way he won’t just up and leave like you said (or at the very least he’s less likely to).

Also, don’t do this in front of your daughter either, she can’t know about this. If your she asks way later on in the future, just say that sent him an anonymous tip and give her a wink, and then just leave it at that. But for right now, don’t let her know that you had this man talk with him or else she may feel like you’re going against her and/or meddling in her relationship. If she breaks up with him at the age she’s in right now, she’s gonna be a LOT more prone to riding the CC, so truthfully I think you should avoid that. They were probably screwing each other anyway when you weren’t around anyway (before he got fat at least). You don’t wanna break up a relationship between high school sweethearts when it’s lasted this long because then it’ll just make them both more jadedness people. Let this be one of those ‘tough time’ phases that couples go through, and tell your daughter that that’s all this is and that they’ll get through it, and that you’ll even take him under your wing so that he can get back on track, at least until he gets the hang of it (exercising).

If after all this he doesn’t change or he wants to leave her, or if he’s just very resistant to change and all of this, then leave it. She’d have every right to dump him after that. I don’t think it’ll get to that point, especially since you have some leverage over him right now considering that he lives with you, but just thought I’d mention that.

Which reminds me—the fact that you have leverage over him AND your daughter in this situation gives you tremendous power just by nature of being her father and being the homeowner. I find it ridiculous that you wouldn’t use such a thing to your advantage. The others suggesting to just leave it alone and stay out of it probably just don’t know how to deal with this situation, but honestly this is an incredible opportunity to not only strengthen the relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend, but also to establish yourself as a wiseman/mentor for her boyfriend. It just requires a lot of precision (with your words) and diplomacy. If you play this out correctly, you can gain a foothold in their relationship as a middle man, giving yourself that much more power in their relationship, all without them even knowing. In doing so, you now have the ability to prevent a situation like this from happening ever again because you’d be able to mediate any problem that’s going on between them.

God bless.
 

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logicallefty

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I appreciate everyone's input on this tough pickle I am in, A LOT. Not much as happened since my original post. Daughter came over last night but since her BF and other people were around us, we didn't talk about it. We communicated with our eye contact and facal expressions and she clearly told me she was stressed out without actually saying it. I know it's eating at her. I will see her again Sunday and hopefully have a chance to talk.
 

LARaiders85

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I appreciate everyone's input on this tough pickle I am in, A LOT. Not much as happened since my original post. Daughter came over last night but since her BF and other people were around us, we didn't talk about it. We communicated with our eye contact and facal expressions and she clearly told me she was stressed out without actually saying it. I know it's eating at her. I will see her again Sunday and hopefully have a chance to talk.
She doesn't want to spend 20 seconds explaining that she's not attracted to you anymore, so instead she will spontaneously start to act like a complete douche bag. This will continue for the next 2 months as she is hoping you will eventually catch on and dump her. If you don't, she'll become totally ruthless and will then do everything she can to cause you pain.

This is because she's a really sweet person who doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
 

Lynx nkaf

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I’m with @Dash Riprock on this one. Your daughter and her boyfriend need to have a conversation about this issue (and whatever iceberg this might be the tip of.)

My son is 17 and just graduated high school last month. For most of his junior & senior year (about 14 months) he had a cute girlfriend...but she had a body type prone to weight gain. She is a state champ softball player and a cute girl, just pudgy in places. He dumped her (I don’t know exactly how the conversation went) because he was more attracted to another girl who is thinner and also pretty. More naturally pretty Id say.

Point is your daughter has got to communicate.

Weight issues granted are sensitive with young people. I have a 15 year old daughter who has Barbie looks...but she has gained weight up to 156-160 lbs. on her 5’8” frame. She’s too heavy. She’s going to be at a disadvantage in life due to the weight, and it sucks because she has model caliber height & beauty.

I actually think that similar to @lynx Naf here she subconsciously eats to keep weight on to avoid male attention. Boys have hovered around her for years since she was about age 9 because she’s so pretty...she has the thickest most gorgeous blonde hair too with natural waves and body that is shampoo commercial type hair. She chops it off shoulder length I believe for the same reason (to avoid male attention and downplay her natural beauty.)

No offense Lynx by the way...I know you deal with a very masculine career and understand your rationale...

I just feel my daughter is squandering her natural blessings by letting herself go. She is disrespecting herself and her health and her body that way...but everyone around her is also fat so therefore I’m the problem.

When I had a delicate but direct conversation about it with my 15 yo daughter my daughter tried to turn the whole conversation into a narrative of “you are judging me and don’t like me because I’m fat” etc. etc., and I could smack my ex husband who took my daughter’s side, got her into a grossly overweight therapist who thinks I’m out of line and of course my daughter lives in the Midwest where women run heavier anyway...and of course none of my daughters friends are thin...they are all heavy.

Point is, weight is a sensitive issue independent of everything else. My plan is to move my daughter to a warmer, fitter environment and get her into the gym & hiking & playing soccer regularly with young women who are a better lifestyle influence. I’m going to do that if possible prior to the start of the next school year.

Strangely enough the fact that Im 5’6” and 115 lbs. kinda works against me in this. The overweight herd doesn’t like their own obesity to be a focus vis a vis my daughter.

But my ex hus band (who has also let himself go physically) has been no support in this whatsoever. Deeply disappointing.

Your daughter has to lay it out for him Lefty. If that happens and the BF wants to make the effort then you guys can lift or work out together and you can model good eating & lifestyle habits. But that’s really all you can do. She’s got to talk to him about it and not avoid the inherent conflict. That’s the lesson you must teach her. Not to avoid conflict.
no offense taken, moving your daughter back south is a great idea.
I'm even heavier than what I posted in Feb but my strength has increased too. Willing to pay for a DEXA scan somewhere to see my muscle mass number. So curious.
 

Atom Smasher

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Dash had a good idea, but your daughter needing to be able to ease in the ‘I care about you’ narrative will indirectly teach her about manipulation which she’ll use against him later on if she can’t get her way, and it’ll also make her resent him a bit simply because she’s the one having to tell him/order him to do the work like this (women don’t like having to tell a man to do this stuff because it’s of the essence of man; they feel it should be innate). It can cause bigger problems down the line because of that.

Quite frankly, I’m not on the side of staying out of it just because if I were in his shoes, I’d like to know wtf is going on. As such, I believe there’s another possible solution. But firstly, I’d like to point something out:

Him ordering takeout and unhealthy food is likely because he feels weird/awkward/embarrassed/shameful having to eat your food. He doesn’t like doing it. Why? It makes him feel as if he can’t provide for your daughter and not even himself, so he has to rely on his girlfriend’s dad for help—it’s emasculating. He still feels like a stranger in that way basically. He also doesn’t feel comfortable, or perhaps is too tired to, to cook for himself something that’s healthier and lower in calories. I know that’s how I’d feel if I were in his shoes anyway.

What you’ll have to do is just tell him that he’s gaining weight. “We were talking and it was just one of those things that slipped out and mentioned in passing, but I could tell based off other things she was saying and how she said it, along with the way you two were fighting—just the whole situation in general really—that this is why she’s been treating you this way. She’s losing respect for you because you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. You just don’t look like the same person anymore. If you fix this issue, you’ll find everything else will take care of itself. All th problems you two have been having and everything, it’ll its away on its own. And I know it sucks, but it’s just one of those man things that we guys gotta do. If you let yourself go, women won’t respect you anymore simply because it shows that you aren’t respecting yourself.”

Or smth like that anyway. Don’t frame it in a “you’re fat” kind of way, frame it in a “you’re letting yourself go” kind of way, and then twist it and contort it into “a man needs to be strong, if you don’t look like you can take care of her, then she won’t think you can take care of her”, then to “she can’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself”. You have to do it like this so that he feels like it’s his fault, without feeling like you are blaming him. This way he won’t just up and leave like you said (or at the very least he’s less likely to).

Also, don’t do this in front of your daughter either, she can’t know about this. If your she asks way later on in the future, just say that sent him an anonymous tip and give her a wink, and then just leave it at that. But for right now, don’t let her know that you had this man talk with him or else she may feel like you’re going against her and/or meddling in her relationship. If she breaks up with him at the age she’s in right now, she’s gonna be a LOT more prone to riding the CC, so truthfully I think you should avoid that. They were probably screwing each other anyway when you weren’t around anyway (before he got fat at least). You don’t wanna break up a relationship between high school sweethearts when it’s lasted this long because then it’ll just make them both more jadedness people. Let this be one of those ‘tough time’ phases that couples go through, and tell your daughter that that’s all this is and that they’ll get through it, and that you’ll even take him under your wing so that he can get back on track, at least until he gets the hang of it (exercising).

If after all this he doesn’t change or he wants to leave her, or if he’s just very resistant to change and all of this, then leave it. She’d have every right to dump him after that. I don’t think it’ll get to that point, especially since you have some leverage over him right now considering that he lives with you, but just thought I’d mention that.

Which reminds me—the fact that you have leverage over him AND your daughter in this situation gives you tremendous power just by nature of being her father and being the homeowner. I find it ridiculous that you wouldn’t use such a thing to your advantage. The others suggesting to just leave it alone and stay out of it probably just don’t know how to deal with this situation, but honestly this is an incredible opportunity to not only strengthen the relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend, but also to establish yourself as a wiseman/mentor for her boyfriend. It just requires a lot of precision (with your words) and diplomacy. If you play this out correctly, you can gain a foothold in their relationship as a middle man, giving yourself that much more power in their relationship, all without them even knowing. In doing so, you now have the ability to prevent a situation like this from happening ever again because you’d be able to mediate any problem that’s going on between them.

God bless.
I agree with this 100%. I think this handling is the very best thing you can do for a positive outcome.
 

SW15

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Women (girls) are the most fickle and wishy washy between 16 and 25 until their brain fully develops it would be best to stay out of it.
Plenty of 25+ women are fickle and wishy washy. I agree with the point of view to stay out of it.
 

HyenaPrince

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This is similar to those situations in documentaries where the camera team sees a lion ganged by another lion pride. They could engage and help, but why would they? Nature is taking its course. You couldn't pick a right side anyway. She is your own blood and he is close to you. Either way you wouldn't be satisfied with your interference.

Let things play out. What's supposed to happen, will happen. By the way, losing weight will be a short-term solution until there is something else she will find repelling. It's very hard to come back from considering your partner unattractive. Especially for women. You know how it is.
 

lamath

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I actually think the problem is not him gaining weight, i think it is your daughter rationalization of why she is losing attraction.

I think, since he is living with you guys i think its too much time together that is killing the attraction, time appart is needed and important imo.

Always chose family first obv, but i think asking him to find other arrangements would be best, might fix the problem or make the incoming break up easier to handle.

Having.myself 2 daughters , i must say i worry about how they will be and act when they reach that age.

Gl
 

RangerMIke

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Man... I have heard this story played out so many times.

Girl meets boy.... parents love boy.... boy has trouble with his family.... parents support boy.... boy gets lazy compliance and comfortable... girl loses interest in boy.... parents stuck in the middle. Seriously this fvcking happens a lot more than you might think. It's "Captain Save-a-Hoe" only with a dude. You figure your daughter is going to end up with the guy and you want to do anything you can to help him. Then you get emotionally attached.... while the daughter's emotions head in a different direction.

I have teenage girls, and the best way to deal with them dating is to be completely indifferent to their boy friends... I don't hate them (unless they give me reason) and I don't like them (no matter what they do). I certainly would never do anything to help them, because all you are doing is taking someone else's problems and making them yours.
 
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