Relationship options for men in 21st century

[jhonny9546]

Hi guys, Johnny here.

The more exprience I get, the more I realize how useful it would have been to understand the rules of the game before making major life decisions.

That's why I think men need systems.
Not to eliminate risk, but to make calculated decisions and avoid blindly following the path society expects: You know... relationship → cohabitation → marriage → kids → financial entanglement, with potentially serious consequences (for men) if things go wrong.

We need to understand our options and choose deliberately, rather than simply copying our parents or friends.
This comes down to one fundamental question: Do you want children or not?

If you want kids:

1. The Unicorn: You find the right woman, marry her, and build a life together.
2. The 3 to 5 year project: If both of you are financially independent and own your own homes, keep your assets separate and rent a place together. Have and raise a child for 3–5 years, then reassess the relationship and decide whether to continue as a couple or co-parents.

If you don't want kids:

1. The Unicorn: Find the right woman, marry her, and build a life together without children.
2. Keep things flexible: Date and maintain relationships without rushing into permanent commitments. Stay independent, reassess periodically. This is not having multiple plates, but rather find a good woman, keep her until she has respect for you, while you both are monogamous and loyal while you keep track of your surroundings and your options.


The main idea is simple in each scenario you'll fall:
Know your options, understand the risks, and choose your path consciously.

Curious to hear how other guys approach this.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Learning how to screen properly fixes 90% of your problems with women, but yet it's the hardest thing to do properly even though it's relatively simple.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Read "The Menu" By Aaron Clarey

 

[The Duke]

It took me a lot of years to figure out the "system" that worked for me. For many years if they were "hot & fun", then I was down. Thats basically all I screened for so I accumulated a lot of experiences but it helped me understand women better because these types were always a mess(high risk). You never learn from your successes, its always your failures that teach you the most. You can't just tell a guy to screen better when he lacks the experience on what to screen for. That was basically my problem, and I thought everyone did the right thing. Eventually you grow tired of the drama and spot the red flags before they ever arise.

I've always enjoyed the hunting, seducing, nights out on the town, dancing, drinking, and sex with women and didn't want to go with out. So I finally developed a system where I didn't take them seriously until I was convinced who they really were. I would treat them as a plate and always keep my eye open for something better. If I found a great girl then I would keep her, if not then I would keep her around until I had enough and replace her with another one. This fixed my problem of committing to girls that never deserved committment in the first place, and it helped me find a solid girl.

I ran it like a single elimination basketball tournament. Eventually you are left with the best one. Only the winners advance to the next round.

The downside is you realize most women are easily replaced. There are very few solid women worth commitment. It's no different that sports players. There are plenty of people trying to get to the NFL, but few will ever make it. They are various levels of average with respect to the top players that are talented enough to play professional sports.

We all have different things we want out of life at different times, and there are many ways to go about them. Figure out what works for you, how to do it, and make it happen.

 

[jhonny9546]

@The Duke That was actually a very good move.
Wonder what is your system now that you're over the "dating phase"

 

[jhonny9546]

Read "The Menu" By Aaron Clarey

So this is actually a good read.
The author argues that there will eventually be only “one” way for men and women, because families as we know them are disappearing. Most of the advice he gives is solid.

Could we talk a bit about it?
I can think of a few real-life examples of families that have tried to combine career, money, and family.

1)
Husband and wife work together
They’re entrepreneurs and do accounting.
From their 20s to 30s, they focused heavily on their careers while still giving birth to 3 kids.
The kids were mostly raised by their grandparents.

From their 30s to 50s, they worked long hours, often 9am–9pm.
Family life meant attending important events, birthdays, ceremonies, and taking a few trips together each year, but there was no attendace to "being a dad" or "being a mother", they were not present for their kids in that sense.
That role was filled by their grandparents.

The kids eventually joined their parents’ business and are now doing something similar: getting married and having kids in their 20s and 30s.
Their female kids are searching someone like their father to build that in their future, like a business togheter and repeat that.
So here you have two people pursuing career and financial success while still building a family.

2)
The husband is self-employed in his fishing business, while the wife has an office job.
He works around 12 hours a day, while she focuses more on raising their three kids, the house, and supporting him.

They spend weekends following the kids’ sports and take a couple of trips each year.
They plan to retire after the kids leave home.

He basically followed the same lifestyle his father had 50 years ago, and now his younger brother is doing something similar with a traditional wife.

3)
The husband is a barista and the wife works in an office. They have two kids but barely see each other.
The wife cheated, they had to sell their house, and now they live separately.
He works and pays rent and child expenses, while she lives with her mother.
They see the kids a few days a week.

He told me he feels free in some ways, but he isn't happy with his sex and company life and finds dating difficult at 44.
These are just examples, but they made me think about the book.

The book tells men to focus on their careers, and I think that's solid advice. Find a field you want to dedicate your life to and become excellent at it.
What I don't see discussed much is the idea of building your own business and eventually bringing your wife and even your kids into that system.
If the marriage doesn't work, you might lose the relationship, but you don't necessarily lose the career or business you've built.

Another model is to build a solid business yourself and marry someone who doesn't want a traditional career, but instead works part-time and focuses more on raising the kids and managing the home.

In my opinion, the traditional-wife lifestyle can potentially put men into a routine, but it is also an extreme example of traditional femininity. On the other hand, if you marry a career-oriented woman, you have to accept that her career will make her more masculine, since she have to build the balls to fight in the workplace.

If I were rich, I’d probably choose the traditional-wife model.
If I were poor and still needed to build a career or business, I’d probably have no opportunity.

Overall, I think the book is worth reading. It fits quite well with my idea of building systems around your life instead of just reacting to whatever happens.

And to always remember us to live a good and well balanced life.
But most importantly, being honest, focus on integrity, having fun, being a solid human being, and don't forget that one of the most important factor, may just be, luck.
So, be lucky too.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

I highly encourage reading his stuff. It's certainly practical on more aspects of ones life.

Aaron Clarey is full of good stuff. His youtube videos are more "scatter brained" as he tends to jump from topic to topic. I think this is just because his mind is going everywhere.

The first I heard of him is when I read his Ebook "Bachelor Pad Economics." That REALLY gives you a gut kick into what happened in the US in the early 2000s, what professionals deal with now, what people can and can't afford now, what is and is not difficult now, but also WHY.