Regret getting married: Peace is all that matters

[BeExcellent]

Hmmmm. Bummer to hear all this. Drama is not fun. Maybe I missed this somewhere along the way, but is she in Turkey and you are in US most of the time?

If she resides in Turkey with her family, she is NEVER going to get a chance to reset her reactivity. She is around a completely dysregulated dad, and that is the primary male influence in her life. You are too far away to make meaningful strides in managing this behavior if you are not living with her.

When you are married you need to be living together. Only then can you, as the man, effectively set boundaries. This woman clearly needs boundaries but you are powerless to establish boundaries because of the living situation.

This is your biggest barrier to success right now imo.

What is/was the plan to extract her from the drama?

 

[DJ Novice]

Living with a woman (married or not) is the quickest way to destroy desire no matter how attractive she is.

Live with a 10 and in time you will be lusting for a 7.

Desire needs distance, insecurity, unpredictability and unfamiliarity to be maintained. You don’t get these aspects living with someone.

 

[BeExcellent]

Living with a woman (married or not) is the quickest way to destroy desire no matter how attractive she is.

Live with a 10 and in time you will be lusting for a 7.

Desire needs distance, insecurity, unpredictability and unfamiliarity to be maintained. You don’t get these aspects living with someone.

Just to be clear, you can absolutely have desire for your lover when you are married. It is not the lust after novelty, however. Rather it is a deepening connection and exploration of novel experiences within the relationship. No that does not mean you role play something different all the time (although that can certainly be interesting), it is a level of knowing someone else deeply, thoroughly, and it is the excitement and vulnerability of being known and knowing someone else in such a way as to be totally and fully seen.

That is a deeper level of desire and it cannot happen easily outside the safety of a marriage. I recommend Esther Perel's material on this topic.

Now if things stay surface level and neither husband nor wife will allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be seen? Then yes, desire based on beauty/novelty (honeymoon phase) does eventually wear thin.....but the idea is that the deeper level is growing underneath the honeymoon phase to give that smoldering slow burn that passion over time requires.....and the relationship develops into this deeper thing through time, and yet remains dynamic.

 

[tesla8520]

but they were peaceful.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Let's focus on this... are you saying this because you think they wouldn't be like your wife?
If you say this with certainty, does it mean your wife had already given you signs that she wasn't "peaceful," and what were those signs?

Have you ever wondered what the pattern of your relationship is?
Is it a relationship based on Gottman's Four Horsemen or on nonviolent communication?

 

[tesla8520]

I have dealt with BPD girls before and this seems BPD adjacent. I

You could have some qualities that attract those kind of women,. Have you every think about it?

 

[tesla8520]

Every woman you deal with gonna be overly emotional

Not all women are the same. I disagree; some women are much less emotional than others.

 

[tesla8520]

You are supposed to be her rock.

Chill, like her brother.



I haven't dated a Muslim but I know a few families.

A buddy married a Christian from near there, and she was super-clingy, but otherwise better than he hoped. He saw her neediness as a sort of plus.



I doubt that women's dramas in her culture are taken seriously by solid guys.

Just imagine she's some yapping little dog that has to get all that nervous energy out of her system.

It means you have to ignore a lot of it, and take the lead if necessary if she's about to bite.



@plumber nailed it, and it's worth repeating:

You're not doing weed or alcohol by the way (or other substances?)

I only ask because of the multiple posts.

Crutches like that mean you have a lot to work on.

I hope your life's journey doesn't end like this expat's.

A Fool in Korea

A Blog About Working and Living in Seoul

thejoyofkorea.blogspot.com

(different culture, but similar batsht cray wifie)

This really gets to the heart of the matter.
Thinking that all women are like this is a bit wrong.

I don't think any man should stay in a relationship like that.
When she behaves like that, you should call her in the evening and explain how she's making you feel, and that if she continues like that, the relationship will be over.

Now, I see so many relationships with excellent women, great women, who still have this problem.
And I'm talking about long-term relationships, even 30 or 40 years together, and women have this problem: they're always complaining, and their husbands leave home or tease her until she explodes and gets angry.

This really isn't a healthy and normal way to manage a relationship; all four of Gottman's Knights are involved.

 

[Travel memoir21]

Pandora, I suggest you give this relationship time and have a sit down meeting with your wife. Attend counseling with a therapist if you have to, this woman is loyal to you and seems obsessed with you and will be faithful in the relationship, a trait that is rare to consider. Give it time and go to therapy and tweak out the flaws.

 

[plumber]

Pandora, I suggest you give this relationship time and have a sit down meeting with your wife. Attend counseling with a therapist if you have to, this woman is loyal to you and seems obsessed with you and will be faithful in the relationship, a trait that is rare to consider. Give it time and go to therapy and tweak out the flaws.

No, skip the therapist in this case. Maybe personal therapy... but not couples in this case. Personal therapy only for boundary enforcement... Most therapist will try to push him to accept and accommodate because he is the reasonable one and can do it. Very bad for him. Not that all therapist are evil, just how the lens usually works. In this case he clearly described emotional regulation issues. Therapy for the girl alone also could work, but only if she is choose to go and is going because she want to work on that specific issue. couples therapy is a no go.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Pandora, I suggest you give this relationship time and have a sit down meeting with your wife. Attend counseling with a therapist if you have to, this woman is loyal to you and seems obsessed with you and will be faithful in the relationship, a trait that is rare to consider. Give it time and go to therapy and tweak out the flaws.

The loyalty and obsession could be symptoms of inflexibility.

 

[Bokanovsky]

The issue is that she is very hyper emotional/ sensitive. I thought it would get better but it does not. I would not say she is quite BPD but she is on the spectrum. I am constantly catering to her emotions.

Wait a second, hold up. You thought that a woman who was crazy...I mean "hyper emotional/ sensitive" would become less so after marriage? Why on earth would you think that????

 

[Pandora]

What's the plan going forward?

I will see her in two weeks. I am in the USA now. We are going on a vacation to see Asia or Africa. We will talk and make a decision then. I still have not decided yet.

 

[Pandora]

The loyalty and obsession could be symptoms of inflexibility.

It is often times a symptom of co dependancy. Not too healthy for the long term. It feels nice at first but then you see it stems from a some attachment disorder.

 

[Pandora]

Wait a second, hold up. You thought that a woman who was crazy...I mean "hyper emotional/ sensitive" would become less so after marriage? Why on earth would you think that????

Lol well you get two types of advice in the world.
1.) No relationship is perfect. Keep working on it.

2.) Run

So basically I wanted it to improve because she has 80% of what I want. She is beautiful, no kids, loyal af...but that other part is bad. So I just was too chicken shyt to break up plus I wanted to work on it. Also I do love her.

 

[Pandora]

Hmmmm. Bummer to hear all this. Drama is not fun. Maybe I missed this somewhere along the way, but is she in Turkey and you are in US most of the time?

If she resides in Turkey with her family, she is NEVER going to get a chance to reset her reactivity. She is around a completely dysregulated dad, and that is the primary male influence in her life. You are too far away to make meaningful strides in managing this behavior if you are not living with her.

When you are married you need to be living together. Only then can you, as the man, effectively set boundaries. This woman clearly needs boundaries but you are powerless to establish boundaries because of the living situation.

This is your biggest barrier to success right now imo.

What is/was the plan to extract her from the drama?

BeExcellent you are spot on. Her father is the one that is stopping her from making progress. I have noticed that women take on the traits of their father. Her father is very explosively angry. He has severe emotional regulation issues and no insight into his condition.

Yes I live in the USA most of the time and she in Turkey. Our plans to move to the same country are on hold because of legalities ( we hired lawyers ) that we are sorting out.

I hope that her nervous system can be reset because she is really a wonderful person when she is calm. She also loves me so much. She tells me that it would destroy her if something happened to me. This girl has been 100% faithful to me for years. Always there when I call, she follows me to different countries when I visit, I can go through her phone anytime etc. She sits at home waiting to hear from me etc.
This is why I will not break it off until I have exhausted all options to get her better.

I also need to be slightly less reactive. I hope it is not too late for her to heal. She has made extraordinary strides in the last few years too. It used to be a lot worse.

 

[Pandora]

Living with a woman (married or not) is the quickest way to destroy desire no matter how attractive she is.

Live with a 10 and in time you will be lusting for a 7.

Desire needs distance, insecurity, unpredictability and unfamiliarity to be maintained. You don’t get these aspects living with someone.

Hmmm this is interesting. I have been with this woman for 4 years. She jokes that maybe the key to a long term relationship is being long distance. We actually miss each other when we see each other.

 

[Pandora]

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Let's focus on this... are you saying this because you think they wouldn't be like your wife?
If you say this with certainty, does it mean your wife had already given you signs that she wasn't "peaceful," and what were those signs?

Have you ever wondered what the pattern of your relationship is?
Is it a relationship based on Gottman's Four Horsemen or on nonviolent communication?

I never heard of Gottmans Four Horsemen before. Wow...i just looked it up. It is very interesting. Yes we exhibit the 4 horsemen signs.

I have dated many women before my wife. A few of them were very easy to get along with. They were very low conflict. It was chill, almost like hanging with a tom boy. No issues unless it was a real issue. Of course they were still women and sometimes got emotional but it was relatively rare. I miss that. I miss that a lot. I didnt value it at the time.

My wife was amazing when I first met her. The first date was incredible. She was this little beautiful creature. Then we went on vacation together and I started seeing how she reacted under stress. It was not good. She lashed out when stressed. I would tell her to do something and it would be a fight. She would eventually calm down. Her responses when stressed seemed like a trauma response. When she is on her pms her mood swings become more intense.

If she felt controlled or rejected then she would have a visceral reaction. She would then lash out verbally and get very hurt etc. Her feelings would get hurt over minor things. Something to do with a deep seated daddy issue. Her dad was verbally and mentally abusive to her and still is.

It was too late to leave. I nexted most of the women in my life and I was determined to make this one work. I didnt want to hurt anymore women by prematurely nexting them.

 

[BeExcellent]

BeExcellent you are spot on. Her father is the one that is stopping her from making progress. I have noticed that women take on the traits of their father. Her father is very explosively angry. He has severe emotional regulation issues and no insight into his condition.

Yes I live in the USA most of the time and she in Turkey. Our plans to move to the same country are on hold because of legalities ( we hired lawyers ) that we are sorting out.

I hope that her nervous system can be reset because she is really a wonderful person when she is calm. She also loves me so much. She tells me that it would destroy her if something happened to me. This girl has been 100% faithful to me for years. Always there when I call, she follows me to different countries when I visit, I can go through her phone anytime etc. She sits at home waiting to hear from me etc.
This is why I will not break it off until I have exhausted all options to get her better.

I also need to be slightly less reactive. I hope it is not too late for her to heal. She has made extraordinary strides in the last few years too. It used to be a lot worse.

Then get her the hell to US and away from her toxic father where you can lead her. Right now you cannot.

 

[plumber]

Then get her the hell to US and away from her toxic father where you can lead her. Right now you cannot.

disagree. do not bring to US. the pattern she has will cause legal issue for the OP. if she ever makes a complaint, he is toast. He will not even be heard.... I know this sounds extreme, even for me. True all the same.

 

[Pandora]

disagree. do not bring to US. the pattern she has will cause legal issue for the OP. if she ever makes a complaint, he is toast. He will not even be heard.... I know this sounds extreme, even for me. True all the same.

Yes I fear that she will come and get me in legal trouble. She cant come to the US and she still wants to be with me. She caught a case for shop lifting as a teen ( i know i know). So even though she cant come to the USA she still wanted to be with me ( unless we do serious legal action). Thats when I trusted that she didnt want me for a green card.