Regret getting married: Peace is all that matters

[BillyPilgrim]

Hi Billy,
"Apparently Armenia is the angriest country in the world and Armenians feel the least loved".They have much to be angry about,some time ago,I bought a necklace in Istanbul from an Armenian jeweller,talking as you do,he told me that in the Turkish genocide of his people,the River alongside which they lived,ran red with their blood,more than a million were murdered.

I don't know about the murdered part, but they were forcibly relocated at the end of a war when their extremists were agitating (enacting violence and terrorism) for their own country. The Ottomans had trouble feeding their own army at the time, so yes many perished.

They tend to be drama queens, which is why I thought the girl was Armenian.

 

[Scaramouche]

Even if this is the chick from the Dagestan region, it's still the same insecure, turmoil-filled part of the world filled with stubborn people. Chechnya is around the corner.

Yes Billy,You are right,I got Tajikistan muddled with Dagestan,as if it matters?
But that still leaves me even more certain that this Girl is a Muslim,big cultural divide there.

 

[Pandora]

that over emotional thing. its not always for the same reasons. if she is good more or less across the board about other stuff look closer...

emotional deregulation. its difficult/impossible to understand for someone that does not experience it. also its a control lever, to control you. it only works because your likely a decent guy... it doesn't work on turds...

if you ran out of other things to try and don't want to walk yet do this:

- when she says something that makes you feel bad get up and go away, other room, outside, away. do it consistently. always scan for real problem that you should solve. most of them are just emotional energy.
- if you don't respond and feed the negative energy it stops. it need fuel.
- reduce the amount of time spent together by 1/2.

she cries or is upset, you react. she is in control of the emotional situation at that time and maybe that's comfortable for her. don't play, disengage. come back later, do not try to resolve it, do not bring it up again, just move on with other topics/activities.

this isn't really a bad girl or manipulative girl although it could be. for some managing emotional discharge does not work like it does for you.

If you have a long list of complaints then just arrange to split, but if its just her controlling with emotion you might be able to overcome that.

This is a really good idea. So for some reason my kryptonite is emotional dysregulation. I cant even handle 5% of it. Ever since my BPD ex when I was 29 yrs old I have become allergic to it. I am a very chill guy buy for some reason hypersensitivity really annoys me.

She is a good girl other than this but this is huge. She usually has 1 freak out a day. For example we were hanging out with my mother. My wife was looking for a bathroom in this foreign country. It was slightly difficult to find one and there was a 10 min wait when we did find one.

Instead of taking it in stride she starting crying and became overwhelmed. When she is overwhelmed she becomes very agitated. She cant handle basic stressors.

Or if I say I will hang with you for 9 days and hang with my friends for 2 days ( after not seeing her for 3 months) she takes this as rejection.

Or if the shop keeper tries to rip me off in Mexico ( tourist trap) she starts to lambast the shop keeper. She gets angry to the point i had to tell her relax. This turns into a fight.

If I had less triggers I would be able to overlook this maybe. For some reason I cant. Maybe I need to work on myself.

I have been with women that did not have this issue ( they has other issues though).

Again she is loyal, obsessed with me, not a gold digger etc this is her only issue. Her family communicates like this. Her father flies off the handle at the smallest stressor. I should have seen this red flag.

 

[Pandora]

This girl is Armenian if memory serves?

AI summary from Google Query "are Armenians emotional?"

"Based on various global studies and cultural analyses, Armenians are frequently characterized as having a high intensity of emotion, particularly in response to geopolitical instability, historical trauma, and social challenges. "

AI summary from Google Query "are Armenians loyal?"

"Armenians are generally characterized as fiercely loyal, patriotic, and deeply rooted in family, culture, and heritage. Known for extreme hospitality, they often treat guests like family. Historically, they were considered a "loyal nation" within empires and tend to maintain strong, enduring connections to their community. "

Apparently Armenia is the angriest country in the world and Armenians feel the least loved:

https://www.quora.com/Why-is-Armenia-the-most-angry-country-in-the-world

ArmenianS are the people who feel least loved in the world, what do you think is the reason behind that?

She sounds more Armenian than crazy to me. Although that may be splitting hairs.

Armenians in and around Glendale, CA are notorious for driving 100 mph on the freeway shoulder. Apparently "my way or the highway" translates to "the highway is mine."

Getting off the road might not be the worst idea.

Edit - since I crapped on the Turks the other day, might as well strike some balance.

Dem Caucasians be cray cray, from the Black Sea to the Caspian. To be fair, one wouldn't want to be encircled by Russians, Turks and Iranians ideally. Or to be a "Christian" in the land of Mohammed.

If there is one defining characteristic of the people in that part of the world, that would be stubbornness. Witness Iran.

OP you say she's improved on her hypersensitivity but she may have maxed that out. Stubbornness is the opposite of compliance.

Yes she is closely related to Armenian. She is Turkish. We did a DNA test and she has Armenian DNA. They are pretty much the same people. They are very hot blooded. Conflict in her household is regular and semi normal. Her brother is chill and her mother is chill but they are too comfortable with the yelling and anger.

A Turkish person will either love you or hate you. No in between. You are either their brother or enemy for 5 mins then back to normal. I made friends with her older brother so this is going to be very sad. Her crazy dad likes me too and her mom. Everyone knows that she is the issue. The girl got a criminal record as a teen for shop lifting. That should have been my red flag to run.

She improved her hypersensitivity on the phone. In person is a different story. I was going to go see her in 2 weeks and spend time in the region with her like always.

To be fair i hung out with an Armenian girl in Armenia. She was nice until she got mad and it was hell on earth. My American brain cant handle it. I want peace.

 

[Pandora]

that over emotional thing. its not always for the same reasons. if she is good more or less across the board about other stuff look closer...

emotional deregulation. its difficult/impossible to understand for someone that does not experience it. also its a control lever, to control you. it only works because your likely a decent guy... it doesn't work on turds...

You are right. She cant control it and does not mean to be difficult. Its just that I feel like I am walking on emotional eggshells. I dont know which one will trigger her. Maybe I am the issue but I have been with calm women. I know what a peaceful woman feels like.

I blew up on her and told her I cant take it anymore. I work 2 jobs and a side hustle. I was very exhausted from work that day. I send her hundreds of dollars a month. I gave her my credit card to use if she needs.

I work alot in order to have money and in order to pay for her life. I was exhausted and when she started complaining about me taking a 2 day boys trip I lost it. I told her I wanted a divorce. She has not talked to me in 4 days even after I apologized. I feel relieved and sad at the same time.

I told her about this trip months ago. I spent $700 dollars on the trip. She agreed at that time. I told her only 2 days. Now 3 weeks before the trip she goes " you should want to spend all 11 days with me". Bruh.....wtf. You couldnt tell me that before the money! And what is the big deal. I deserve some me time. That started her attitude, she called me a " bad planner" and I lost it at work. I couldnt take the drama anymore. My coworker had to calm me down.

I work 60 hr weeks. I give her everything. All I ask for is no stupid fights.

 

[Pandora]

Advantages of being a "passport bro". Also, I notice the OP's issues are emotional. if it was a native wife, not only will the issues be emotional, but also financial. To be honest, all relationships have issues. Nothing is ever rosy. However, as long as the husband has the advantage -- financially, emotionally, etc. I still think it's worth "working it out".

Once the wife has the upper hand, it's no longer "worth it". Wives can be irrational.. however, being irrational and having power. That's a bad combination. With this, she can destroy her life.. and yours. The best marriages are when the wives have no "hard" power; this keeps their emotional roller coaster in check.

These are wise words man. I am lucky that she has no legal/ financial control over me. I agree that the financial control keeps them in check but you start to build resentment towards them ( because of the nagging).

Its tragic that they are so irrational. Its like they sabotage their peace. My girl was especially bad because of her daddy issues. Her father is a terror in the home and she takes after him.

I have only dated 3 women that did not have the emotional rollercoaster. 2 of the 3 were sluts, and the last one was not attractive. I should have kept them.

 

[Pandora]

Hi Billy,
"... This girl is Armenian if memory serves?"From memory,this was never clarified,I suggested Tajikistan,but no,Pandora feeds out information like James Bond,on a need to know basis,I was convinced at the time that his dusky consort was a Muslim...You have all eyes on you Pandora,more clues please,lets continue this hunt the slipper game.

Yes brother she was Muslim. A turkish Muslim. We over idealized Muslim women but they can also be terrors. They are just not terrors in public and they are loyal ( by force). I have learned that no matter what part of the world a woman comes from they are all crazy. Its just a different brand of crazy.

A peaceful woman is a rare quality the world over. Beauty is common.

 

[Pandora]

Even if this is the chick from the Dagestan region, it's still the same insecure, turmoil-filled part of the world filled with stubborn people. Chechnya is around the corner.

Yeh man the women are stubborn af. So she was exposed to Americans when she travelled with me. She told me " they are so polite, always saying sorry when they bump into you". In those regions public conflict is seen as normal. They are very loving loyal people but they get angry quickly.

She thinks I should just weather her emotional tantrums because thats what men in her region do. Im like " whoa I am not used to this'.

Emotional tantrums even once a day make my blood pressure rise. It also makes me less attracted to the girl. In real life I am a super chill dude. Peace my brother. Its worth gold.

 

[Pandora]

I don't know about the murdered part, but they were forcibly relocated at the end of a war when their extremists were agitating (enacting violence and terrorism) for their own country. The Ottomans had trouble feeding their own army at the time, so yes many perished.

They tend to be drama queens, which is why I thought the girl was Armenian.

Guys are I weird. Is a man supposed to just take a woman being a drama queen? Maybe I am the weak one. Lemme know if I am crazy bro. She says shes dramatic because she loves me a lot. I believe her too. She loves me a lot but my nervous system cant take drama.

 

[Pandora]

Every woman you deal with gonna be overly emotional. Cmon man...I don't know why men keep being surprised about this. Someone said Armenian women , but believe me I've been with women from all around the globe and all of them are "overly " emotional to some degree.

Gamisch I agree but this one is a little too emotional. She overreacts to small things. Almost like BPD but not that severe. Even my mom was like " she is great but she needs a lot of emotional maintenance". It gets tiresome especially when I come home from work.

 

[Pandora]

I'm truly sorry to hear this Pandora. I was really rooting for ya for it to work.

With respect to what's quoted above, how would one even know they made the wrong choice for marriage until they are actually in and experiencing the marriage? True for both men and women.

I know of couples who were in long term relationships and/or cohabiting for years that were happy and peaceful, but once married it all eventually went to ****, with one or both claiming they made the wrong choice!

So don't beat yourself up too much, there was no way for you to know.

Those less than attractive girls who gave you peace? You have no idea what being married to them would have been like.

Both attractive and unattractive women (people) can make great partners in marriage or lousy partners. You can try and choose wisely but still never be certain.

Marriage changes things. The people involved and the dynamic, the expectations. It shouldn't but often does.

Anyway again I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I didnt get to say thank you for the kind words Sega Genesis. It means a lot to me that you were rooting for me. A lot of people in my social circile will be rejoicing if it fails. Who knows we might still work it out but its not looking good.

 

[plumber]

You are right. She cant control it and does not mean to be difficult. Its just that I feel like I am walking on emotional eggshells. I dont know which one will trigger her. Maybe I am the issue but I have been with calm women. I know what a peaceful woman feels like.

I blew up on her and told her I cant take it anymore. I work 2 jobs and a side hustle. I was very exhausted from work that day. I send her hundreds of dollars a month. I gave her my credit card to use if she needs.

I work alot in order to have money and in order to pay for her life. I was exhausted and when she started complaining about me taking a 2 day boys trip I lost it. I told her I wanted a divorce. She has not talked to me in 4 days even after I apologized. I feel relieved and sad at the same time.

I told her about this trip months ago. I spent $700 dollars on the trip. She agreed at that time. I told her only 2 days. Now 3 weeks before the trip she goes " you should want to spend all 11 days with me". Bruh.....wtf. You couldnt tell me that before the money! And what is the big deal. I deserve some me time. That started her attitude, she called me a " bad planner" and I lost it at work. I couldnt take the drama anymore. My coworker had to calm me down.

I work 60 hr weeks. I give her everything. All I ask for is no stupid fights.

yeah. most guys are the same. your in good company. if you get to the point where you can SEE that its a pattern then you can take the view of a parent. when a toddler has a tantrum you manage it instead of getting affected. deep under that is not needing her approval.

she will try to make you feel bad for making her feel bad.... set the boundary at that point. do not try to make her feel better, just disengage and come back later. it will get better, but slowly, very slowly... every time you slip the clock resets.

If your high E... at all and reactive its a no go. If your chemically stable you can do it if you want to.

there are other choices of women, but chances are they will have one of those other problems your trying also to avoid.

 

[Prepostereax]

She thinks I should just weather her emotional tantrums because thats what men in her region do. Im like " whoa I am not used to this'.

You are supposed to be her rock.
Chill, like her brother.

I haven't dated a Muslim but I know a few families.
A buddy married a Christian from near there, and she was super-clingy, but otherwise better than he hoped. He saw her neediness as a sort of plus.

I doubt that women's dramas in her culture are taken seriously by solid guys.
Just imagine she's some yapping little dog that has to get all that nervous energy out of her system.
It means you have to ignore a lot of it, and take the lead if necessary if she's about to bite.

@plumber nailed it, and it's worth repeating:

- when she says something that makes you feel bad get up and go away, other room, outside, away. do it consistently. always scan for real problem that you should solve. most of them are just emotional energy.
- if you don't respond and feed the negative energy it stops. it need fuel.
- reduce the amount of time spent together by 1/2.

she cries or is upset, you react. she is in control of the emotional situation at that time and maybe that's comfortable for her. don't play, disengage. come back later, do not try to resolve it, do not bring it up again, just move on with other topics/activities.

this isn't really a bad girl or manipulative girl although it could be.

You're not doing weed or alcohol btw (or other substances?)
I only ask because of the multiple posts..
crutches like that mean you have a lot to work on.

I hope your life's journey doesn't end like this expat's

A Fool in Korea

A Blog About Working and Living in Seoul

thejoyofkorea.blogspot.com

(different culture, but similar batsht cray wifie)

 

[The Duke]

Guys are I weird. Is a man supposed to just take a woman being a drama queen? Maybe I am the weak one. Lemme know if I am crazy bro. She says shes dramatic because she loves me a lot. I believe her too. She loves me a lot but my nervous system cant take drama.

I had two ltr's that I let go because I couldn't take their drama. Other than that they were solid girls. You have to get out from under them before you do something you shouldn't or beat yourself down to nothing .

Over the years I have learned that I do best with more rational minded women because they don't start as much drama.

 

[Pandora]

yeah. most guys are the same. your in good company. if you get to the point where you can SEE that its a pattern then you can take the view of a parent. when a toddler has a tantrum you manage it instead of getting affected. deep under that is not needing her approval.

she will try to make you feel bad for making her feel bad.... set the boundary at that point. do not try to make her feel better, just disengage and come back later. it will get better, but slowly, very slowly... every time you slip the clock resets.

If your high E... at all and reactive its a no go. If your chemically stable you can do it if you want to.

there are other choices of women, but chances are they will have one of those other problems your trying also to avoid.

Yeh I hear you bro. I am very high reactive when it comes to crazy chicks. I react poorly to too much drama. It messes with my sense of sanity. Other guys are better with it.

If we get back together I will try to use that method you speak about. It might give me an opportunity for growth. My reactivity has been an obstacle to my happiness with women. I will work on it.

 

[Pandora]

beat yourself down to nothing .

Over the years I have learned that I do best with more rational minded women because they don't start as much drama.

Yes exactly bro. Over time it beats you down. It wears on you. You become a shell of yourself. I just like good vibes. Life is stressful enough lol

 

[Pandora]

You are supposed to be her rock.
Chill, like her brother.

I doubt that women's dramas in her culture are taken seriously by solid guys.
Just imagine she's some yapping little dog that has to get all that nervous energy out of her system.
It means you have to ignore a lot of it, and take the lead if necessary if she's about to bite.

@plumber nailed it, and it's worth repeating:



You're not doing weed or alcohol btw (or other substances?)
I only ask because of the multiple posts..
crutches like that mean you have a lot to work on.

Yeh maybe the guys in her culture dont take her seriously. Her brother ( my brother in law) has a wife. They fight but overall I think he is used to it. I think guys in her culture are just accustomed to women being nags. I am not used to it.

Divorce is not common in their culture so people put up with ALOT of fighting.

Btw no I do not drink or do drugs ( once in a blue moon I may smoke weed, maybe once a year). I exercise a lot and do wrestling and combat sports. I try to live healthy.

 

[Pandora]

I hope your life's journey doesn't end like this expat's

A Fool in Korea

A Blog About Working and Living in Seoul

thejoyofkorea.blogspot.com

(different culture, but similar batsht cray wifie)

Bro this blog you linked is hilarious. Yeh my wife is not this bad...yet lol

 

[Gamisch]

You are supposed to be her rock.
Chill, like her brother.

I haven't dated a Muslim but I know a few families.
A buddy married a Christian from near there, and she was super-clingy, but otherwise better than he hoped. He saw her neediness as a sort of plus.

I doubt that women's dramas in her culture are taken seriously by solid guys.
Just imagine she's some yapping little dog that has to get all that nervous energy out of her system.
It means you have to ignore a lot of it, and take the lead if necessary if she's about to bite.

@plumber nailed it, and it's worth repeating:



You're not doing weed or alcohol btw (or other substances?)
I only ask because of the multiple posts..
crutches like that mean you have a lot to work on.

I hope your life's journey doesn't end like this expat's

A Fool in Korea

A Blog About Working and Living in Seoul

thejoyofkorea.blogspot.com

(different culture, but similar batsht cray wifie)

Sounds great on paper , and probably sustainable every now and then, but as OP stated in his title; PEACE. You don't wanna be fleeing and playing hide and seek in your own damn house( the house you work hard to pay for).

I'm sorry but this is just terrible advice. If you've ever been with a overly dramatic woman you know that she will have zero boundaries.

 

[Gamisch]

Gamisch I agree but this one is a little too emotional. She overreacts to small things. Almost like BPD but not that severe. Even my mom was like " she is great but she needs a lot of emotional maintenance". It gets tiresome especially when I come home from work.

I been with plenty of women like this. To be harsh; I think as a black man this is something you might encounter more often but my view might ofcourse be biased as I have no other ...example. ..


It's extremely tiring to come home and sense that she's been waiting to stir up bs. Bored, psychotic and no boundaries / respect for your peace.

It makes a you wanna lash the feck out ,which obviously is another L as she willuse your aggression against you forever . I'm sorry but this is a lose lose situation you're in. .

What's the plan going forward?