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Q: Dude snapchatting my GF...

stringpuller

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Isn't that a little extreme? Why?

I dated someone who was constantly apologizing for everything even when she did nothing wrong...it might seem like high interest but what it really means is that she is sort of putting on an act to make sure you don't leave her, and her apologies don't really mean anything if they are not tied into actual contrition for wrongdoing....
IMO obedient girl of boundaries is not nessisarily the same as the low self esteem pushover.

OP you are the man in her life. Live that way
 

stringpuller

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only used that line because I like to fvck around. On the comitted note, shes asked me to move in with her in March,
Dont do this unless you intend to marry her. And she should be moving in with you. She comes to your life.
If you have no job work on that. This is a YOU game.
 

LARaiders85

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IMO obedient girl of boundaries is not nessisarily the same as the low self esteem pushover.

OP you are the man in her life. Live that way
I agree that they are not the same but in this case either she did something wrong and now she is trying to make up for it or she is a complete pushover that did nothing wrong and is just trying to pander to him and will resent it later on down the road
 

flowtheory

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On the comitted note, shes asked me to move in with her in March, I have no job yet and she said she doesn't care, once again making me think her interest in me and the relationship is high.
Never move in to a woman’s place. Ever. If you’re going to live with a woman at any point, move in to new territory.
I moved in with a woman once in my younger years and she had HER spots already mapped out and set in place; was willing to give me certain areas she didn’t want. It was me coming in to her frame. ultimately she moved out 6 months after and I took over the lease. I still live there to this very moment as I’m on the toilet talking to you now! Great place.

Also don’t move in with a woman if you’re life isn’t already in balance and order. She will resent you for that, if she already doesn’t.

Some things from my seat in the bleachers don’t completely make sense in all this, because if you trusted her you wouldn’t have been overthinking in the first place. So she must be doing other things.. they could be very small an innocuous. But small granules of sand still fill up a bottle over time.
I don’t get why she would DELETE the whole app? That’s drastic. And to give the reason that your relationship is too important to have that? What?
Then to talk immediately about moving in. Buddy, that’s a massive redirection in highly emotive way..
Maybe I’m just being paranoid? But that’s not normal. There would be shame and guilt attached to some of this.
Understand that when people feel shame they do very dramatic things..
 

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TheFinalLine

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First off, we have each others passwords just because what if we have to use each others phones, change a song, I don’t have my phone she doesn’t have hers. You’re blowing things out of proportion.

however, you are right, she could be deleting the conversation. And if you’re right, then I have 0 trust in her now, which means the relationship may be done.
If she is doing what you want in almost every area, then handle this one too.

If she asks “do you want me to block him?”, you should address the situation. With you, she has protection.
This includes protection from herself. In my opinion, in this case, you should say “I think it would be a good idea for us if you did block him. And not let your ID get out. I will do the same. It’s a suggestion for the betterment of what we have.”

I DO NOT believe that an LTR can survive with the inclusion of social media. It preys too heavily on a woman’s dualistic sexual strategy. Women say all the time how they want a man who won’t it up with their shyt!
I DO think that it was a “test”. Of a different kind. A woman will only feel secure and wanted when you set boundaries. These are boundaries for what YOU want in your life. Not an ultimatum. Say that. “I assess what I want in my life and in my everyday environment. This is not it.”

You will NEVER, EVER, find a ready made woman. You have to create one. Build one. Mold her to fit your world. If she doesn’t want the full extent of your world? Well that’s a good thing to know. She’s for sex.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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So I have an interesting one, been dating this girl for 8 months, was spinning plates at the time and we just ended up clicking so we went for it. Everythings been great, she buys me stuff, cooks, cleans, our sex drives both line up ( aka a lot of sex). Shes told me and shows me she is in love with me, words and actions here. She backs up what she says. However, somthing weird has come up. Some dude has been bombing her with snapchats for the past week. Like multiple every single day. She doesn't open them or opens them and doesn't reply. I brought it up and said, "Is that your new man?" as a joke.

This turned into a more serious conversation and she asked me if it bothered me, I said "would it bother you if I had a girl snapping me like that?" She said "yes". She dove into tell me how she doesn't reply, has no interest in replying, she did not start he randomly started blowing her up, reassured she loved me and even asked me if I wanted her to block him. I said I didn't care about blocking the dude. But I'm not sure why a few days later this is still in my mind. It doesn't seem like shes trying to cheat or even keep this dude around as an orbiter. Just seems like unsolicited snapchats for whatever reason.

What would you guys do in this situation?

I should add she doesn’t do sketchy **** with her phone either. We know each others passwords, we both go into each others phones to change songs, nav etc. she leaves her phone out in front of me and doesn’t do the sketchy tbings you’d expect
The fact that you committed to exclusivity was your biggest mistake. Another school boy error is commitment to anybody who is on social media

Not doing it right. Comply or bye.
 

stringpuller

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I agree that they are not the same but in this case either she did something wrong and now she is trying to make up for it or she is a complete pushover that did nothing wrong and is just trying to pander to him and will resent it later on down the road
Yea very well could be that too. Definitely would not be surprised.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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If anything, I think the lesson here is, as many others have said, define these things in the beginning or flounder in ambiguity.

Also, for her to transition from having snap chat to not having it, this would require a lot of guilt tripping in my eyes, this is a major source of validation and attention for all women, this is clearly a "Busted" moment unless you put a ton of insecurity on display, which you already recognized as a bad idea.

If she wasn't doing anything wrong, why delete it.

Anyways, glad you are happy with this resolution op.
 
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TheFinalLine

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If anything, I think the lesson here is, as many others have said, define these things in the beginning or flounder in ambiguity.
Though this is true, in application in the real world it is disastrous.
A man should NEVER ask for a relationship. That immediately shuts down the ability to lay down said ground rules. Automatically the power position is in her court. You pursued her. Failure if you even speak one word about the “moral high ground” or what is acceptable. You already lost your power and shifted the entire dynamic to her. It’s done.

Now...if she pressures you for a relationship...BOOM, you have the power position.
I’ve already posted the handling of this.

The first thing out of your mouth should be to her...”you are not ready.”

then talk about the things that you don’t want in your life if she wants to know why you think she’s not ready. I listed them in amother thread. But a man can formulate his own world right there.
 

Gentleman

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This kind of thing, and the resulting angst that comes along with it, is the result of the couple not verbally agreeing beforehand how to handle issues like this.

So now it’s all about “What does SHE think? What is SHE going to do?” And the man just sits around and awaits his fate based on her behavior.
I agree with the above quote. To the OP I would say you know you made a mistake when you were nonchalant about the orbiter because you were bothered enough to make a post on SS about it. I have been there. Where do you go from here? I would wait until I see him messaging her again an just say "this guy is still sending you snaps? we're in a serious relationship, seems he doesn't understand that. time to block him" or something to that effect while looking her square in the eye, and immediately move on with your day.

Note: I wouldn't ask about him or how he got her snapchat; I wouldn't ask if she replies or reads; I wouldn't ask a damn thing. Any questioning from you will seem weak, and besides, after you say that to her she should immediately understand and agree, however if she tries to defend him in any way, this will be an admission of guilt on her part as well as her reneging on what she earlier told you (mainly that he is just some random dude blowing up her phone). At that point you will know for sure if this is a red flag or not.

Don't wait to observe what she will do in this situation, if she is really entertaining this orbiter or not, etc. It may take too long. A proper DJ finds a way to grab life by the balls even after messing up initially.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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Though this is true, in application in the real world it is disastrous.
A man should NEVER ask for a relationship. That immediately shuts down the ability to lay down said ground rules. Automatically the power position is in her court. You pursued her. Failure if you even speak one word about the “moral high ground” or what is acceptable. You already lost your power and shifted the entire dynamic to her. It’s done.

Now...if she pressures you for a relationship...BOOM, you have the power position.
I’ve already posted the handling of this.

The first thing out of your mouth should be to her...”you are not ready.”

then talk about the things that you don’t want in your life if she wants to know why you think she’s not ready. I listed them in amother thread. But a man can formulate his own world right there.
Negotiations carry a strict Implication of your presence being withdrawn, emotional attachments lead to arrangements, not negotiation. Relationship is to revel in the height of your game, to have trust without emotional attachment.

Really, your behavior towards her should craft the expectation, you don't physically ghost like a text, but you emotionally ghost her, in front of her and it's not born of the insecurity of an arrangement, it's born of negotiations and the idea that I can readily walk away because I have options.
 

JohnChops

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If anything, I think the lesson here is, as many others have said, define these things in the beginning or flounder in ambiguity.

Also, for her to transition from having snap chat to not having it, this would require a lot of guilt tripping in my eyes, this is a major source of validation and attention for all women, this is clearly a "Busted" moment unless you put a ton of insecurity on display, which you already recognized as a bad idea.

If she wasn't doing anything wrong, why delete it.

Anyways, glad you are happy with this resolution op.
At this point I’m just not going to bring it up, keep having fun and looking out for any more red flags. I feel like she just deleted it because she just simply doesn’t care. She doesn’t seem to be hiding anything from me and she still seems very affectionate towards me, and not in a guilty kind of way.
like I said, I’ll be on the look out for red flags and act accordingly, I already know I fvcked up by not defining how we would deal with this situation from the beginning. If it comes up again, I’ll redefine.

thanks for all the help and input fellas, always means a lot
 

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TheFinalLine

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Negotiations carry a strict Implication of your presence being withdrawn, emotional attachments lead to arrangements, not negotiation. Relationship is to revel in the height of your game, to have trust without emotional attachment.

Really, your behavior towards her should craft the expectation, you don't physically ghost like a text, but you emotionally ghost her, in front of her and it's not born of the insecurity of an arrangement, it's born of negotiations and the idea that I can readily walk away because I have options.
There was zero implication of negotiations in my post. In fact I would never even recommend a “girlfriend” per say.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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There was zero implication of negotiations in my post. In fact I would never even recommend a “girlfriend” per say.
Good thing you are in a thread about relationships then.

Also, by not having a girlfriend you are conceding to taking part in negotiating, only difference is you walk away.
 

Medina

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I go through these situations all the time, except the roles are reversed

"Yeah sorry babe she just won't leave me alone... does it bother you?"

Troll life. Turn those tables amigo
 

TheFinalLine

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Good thing you are in a thread about relationships then.

Also, by not having a girlfriend you are conceding to taking part in negotiating, only difference is you walk away.
Interesting philosophy. You run with that. The OP is never going to say no or walk away. I merely told him how he could put some control in his situation. Interacting with women is the way to go. Always. Women are fun and cool. Just not relationship material.
 
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