Providing for Women

[Gamisch]

This is my experience (unfortunately). No matter how much I remain the "leader" or "maintain frame" (two buzz phrases around here that mean more in early stage dating and less in very long term LTRs), there are a lot of elements out of your control when it comes to LTRs and how the woman reacts to you over a very long period of time (2+ years).

However, I wouldn't give my kids up for anything. But I have learned some harsh lessons about women to get them.

Same here. Learned that the hard way. Sometimes a man picks up a new piece of knowledge but (like me) you've been with the same woman for years, thus " keeping frame" is already long gone.

I'd even say that between those three steps there are more counterintuitive ways to lose frame: when you get her "that thing she always wanted ( new kitchen , car, luxurious vacation, expensive parfum ect). One would think that such a gesture brings the couple closer, but once the relationship already deteriorated ,such a "Good guy Greg" move will only make shyte worse...

Looking back the only possible positive outcome was walking away for good and accepting the L's.

 

[Barrister]

Same here. Learned that the hard way. Sometimes a man picks up a new piece of knowledge but (like me) you've been with the same woman for years, thus " keeping frame" is already long gone.

I'd even say that between those three steps there are more counterintuitive ways to lose frame: when you get her "that thing she always wanted ( new kitchen , car, luxurious vacation, expensive parfum ect). One would think that such a gesture brings the couple closer, but once the relationship already deteriorated ,such a "Good guy Greg" move will only make shyte worse...

Looking back the only possible positive outcome was walking away for good and accepting the L's.

Agree. We men are natural "fixers" and want to try to make things work again that aren't working as well or at all. The problem is women aren't wired this way. Your capitulating to her bad behavior to her is your admitting that you were in the wrong. Thus, your "good" deeds are looked at as an admission and her bad behavior was rewarded. This starts that path to the end. Hence why it makes sense to keep things at a distance as Howie mentioned way earlier in this thread.

 

[Gamisch]

Agree. We men are natural "fixers" and want to try to make things work again that aren't working as well or at all. The problem is women aren't wired this way. Your capitulating to her bad behavior to her is your admitting that you were in the wrong. Thus, your "good" deeds are looked at as an admission and her bad behavior was rewarded. This starts that path to the end. Hence why it makes sense to keep things at a distance as Howie mentioned way earlier in this thread.

Yeah, and it depends on the woman. No two women will be the same, not even the SAME WOMAN will be the same within the time span of a year.

One woman will scold you for buying flowers, the next will complain you never do that.

Imo its best to be the one who ends things on a high( and even the first signs of relationship deterioration is still being in a " amicable and good "way with her).

To put it bluntly: a lotta time in a relationship with a woman you got to be different persons: the father,friend, lover, teacher, critic, cheerleader, ect. It takes HARD WORK to provide a woman with all she needs, both materialistic and mentally.

 

[Divorced w 3]

In my line of work, I am often an approached by females looking for commercial buildings to run a business(nail salon, clothing boutique, etc). There is always extensive remodeling(wiring, plumbing, walls, flooring, painting) that needs to be done to suit the individuals business type. It NEVER fails, this is where the female leans on the husband. Many times I've been standing right there with the husband and wife and the woman always looks towards her husband when these topics come up. You can see the stress/anxiety coming over her. And the guy is always like "just what I wanted to do, more schitt I have to get involved in".

Few of these women will actually try to handle the remodel side. Those that do get stressed out and end up turning it over to their husband.

I'm always left wondering, what does that man get out of all this? A woman that keeps her body fine, doesn't act out, and provides enthusiastic sex when he wants? lol, yeah right. I certainly don't see any of that.

All of this commitment to provide for the female just to keep her long term, is it really worth it?

As I've gotten older, I have quit fixing girlfriends' vehicles if it was anything that would require more than 2hrs of my time. If their level of cooking was equal to my level of automotive skills then I might consider.

I just don't see much fairness in male/female long term relationships and marriages. I see women getting better deals than most men.

The word ‘no’ is the most productive word in the English language. Marriage as a legal partnership makes that husband a 50% equity partner in her venture. Nobody to blame but him if it isn’t handled the way he needs it to be - whether that’s not doing it at all, and telling her that - or arranging through his own labor or that of a contractor to get it done. I don’t see how this is providing for women - I see this as understanding the framework of the contract that both marital parties entered into - and the lack of understanding thereof which is why it’s a 50/50 chance that marriage won’t work.

I am in a similar situation now as my girlfriend and I are talking about next steps and how our lives can blend into a blended family. Not easy, not impossible either, but certainly passionate and full of strong conversations about principles on each end and how to compromise and communicate. I am getting a lot of ‘you’re not compromising, you’re getting everything you want.’ It’s an emotional process. She compromises on what matters though, because it is best for our relationship and what we need together going forward, and she understands why I am laying it out the way I am.

You may recall my thread on this matter over November and December- as soon as the lights turned on for me about defining my role, it became a hell of a lot easier to explain why and have the hard conversations and stay convicted.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I know, as I am sure all of us do, a whole clique of stay at home Lily Pulitzer PTO moms that would dump their husbands in a second and take them over the coals if they dared show an ounce of backbone and did anything other than bring home a lot of money for the family and then run that family around on the weekends to various stuff while she complains how much she is doing ‘organizing’ etc. Find a woman who doesn’t have those values if you don’t want to be in that situation. Fool me once and all that. And btw I am persona non grata at the local PTO now and it’s great.