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Power in a relationship and ultimatums about marriage etc

MILLY1985

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When a women sets ultimatums about marriage having children and buying property together how does a man regain the power without agreeing to such demmands if it’s not war he wants. Is the only option to walk away and start a fresh with someone else? I’m not sure I’m ever cut out for such commitments
 

mrgoodstuff

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When a women sets ultimatums about marriage having children and buying property together how does a man regain the power without agreeing to such demmands if it’s not war he wants. Is the only option to walk away and start a fresh with someone else? I’m not sure I’m ever cut out for such commitments
Have you even been together long enough to justify? What was your initial agreement about marriage and kids? How is you guys current interaction?
 

RickTheToad

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Simple, you leave. There should be no ultimatums, only choices. However, some choices can sound like ultimatums. However, if you are rocky now, it's only going to get worse as time goes on. Rethink your options hard prior to having kids or marriage with this person. It sounds bad already.
 

Serenity

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Make it very clear at the start of the relationship that there's no way you'll want those things. If she does not accept your terms then consider it time saved, better than waiting for however long until she suddenly starts pushing her agenda.

If you're looking for a specific type of relationship it's a lot more efficient to make the terms of it very clear early on. It seems many guys just shut up and hope for the best, until after having wasted a lot of time being passive about the whole thing discovers she wants something else.
 

BadBoy89

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When a women sets ultimatums about marriage having children and buying property together how does a man regain the power without agreeing to such demmands if it’s not war he wants. Is the only option to walk away and start a fresh with someone else? I’m not sure I’m ever cut out for such commitments
All a man should do is lay down his terms. A woman can either agree or disagree.

A man should only do what is best for himself. Emotionally committing to ONE women forever is not in his best interest because if he wants out, or she does, he has to pay emotionally, financially, legally and socially,

Men, take EMOTION OUT OF EVERYTHING when dealing with women and you will be successful.
 

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Roober

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Your approach may change over time, however, it is important that you always think of what you want, not what she wants...

If you don't want kids, she's free to make whatever choice she seems necessary

If you don't want to get married, she's free to do whatever she wants

If she wants into your property or insists on a specific house, she's welcome to do it on her own

Your not making the choice, she is... This is why it's so important to focus on your purpose, and not her. There can be compromise, but it can't be at the cost of your values, or you will both regret it.
 

stringpuller

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When a women sets ultimatums about marriage having children and buying property together how does a man regain the power without agreeing to such demmands if it’s not war he wants. Is the only option to walk away and start a fresh with someone else? I’m not sure I’m ever cut out for such commitments
If you are staying with her. Do it ON YOUR TERMS.
Same thing with all chores. When she complains make her wait a little longer.
Do it when you want.

But do not tell her this. Do it covertly. She will train
 

MILLY1985

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I already have a child from a previous relationship. I think she wants one to even the score. She has at times been jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Together 2 years ish. Been bumpy. She was fine initially she had financial issues that stopped us getting a house anyways. She had a Iva and debts. Now there cleared (paid off by family member) it’s like full steam ahead for her she wants it all. To me that’s not how it works. I was willing to wait and accept her situation but now feel pressured to do something that’s rushed. Women can be very selfish. Part of if it jealously of what her friends have. She is nearly 30 and has no kids no home nothing. I do not want to be solely a provider. Guess her clock is ticking. She has complained about how long it’s taken me to do some diy I just ignore her. It’s not her home
 

stringpuller

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I already have a child from a previous relationship. I think she wants one to even the score. She has at times been jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Together 2 years ish. Been bumpy.
Huge red flag man. Just saying from experience with the same situation. I was very BP at the time and it did not end well. Think this over hard
 

mrgoodstuff

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The only way man, is to date and make chicks chase you. That is when they are in love. Situation you described happens when dude chases the btch and makes her marry him. Only way out is a divorce. Initial rapport was wrong.
We shouldn't be chasing anything other than increase in resources and $$$ and our dreams.
 

Lookatu

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I already have a child from a previous relationship. I think she wants one to even the score. She has at times been jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Together 2 years ish. Been bumpy. She was fine initially she had financial issues that stopped us getting a house anyways. She had a Iva and debts. Now there cleared (paid off by family member) it’s like full steam ahead for her she wants it all. To me that’s not how it works. I was willing to wait and accept her situation but now feel pressured to do something that’s rushed. Women can be very selfish. Part of if it jealously of what her friends have. She is nearly 30 and has no kids no home nothing. I do not want to be solely a provider. Guess her clock is ticking. She has complained about how long it’s taken me to do some diy I just ignore her. It’s not her home
These are all red flags in bold above.
How is she contributing or how has she contributed? (income, doing dishes, cooking, helping you with diy, etc).
Does she bring more value or more frustrations in your relationship?
Does she lift you up or knock you down?
If you didn't have a good job, do you think she'd be with you?
Do you think she's bad with money manangement and can bring you down financially if you got married?
Does she get jealous/envious often and does she try to keep up with the Jones all the time?
Do you think she'll always put your daughter second if you two have kids?
Does she pull her own weight or are you doing more in the relationship?

Generally anytime there is an ultimatum, it's time to eject.
 

metalwater

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Ultimatums are bad, but we already know that. What is an ultimatum... It is when a person tries to force their will on another, it is about power. Think about when we demand a raise in our work, the boss does not WANT to give it else they already would have. But we tell that we will quit if we don't get it. If we are high value the boss will likely give in and give it to us. In that case, we used our power to demand and win and might have to do it again. Unions do it all the time.

We can listen to her wishes and then decide what is best and take much counsel from her. Do not let her insist and decide on anything that is directly against what you want. Don't be bull-headed and tell her no just because, really consider what she is asking for. In no way ever give in to her demand if you have made it clear to her that it is not what you want. Do try to see a way to accommodate her, but do not allow her to override your choice, ever. Once that is done once, probably can never recover.

It sounds like she is not grateful for what you have done for her.

Make sure you spend enough time with friends and family aside from her. You need some balance to what she is telling you. If all you hear is her, will be in trouble soon. Spend some time reading in this forum, guys ask similar questions all the time, it is really common.

If rejecting her ultimatums leads to a breakup, then leave or if it is your house, tell her to leave. Do not waver on this, you will regret it if you do and she will end up cheating on you before or after your married. 100% chance.
 

Alvafe

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the rule is always, the men who have to ask a woman for marriage, if he don't is because he knows she is not ready or didn't prove to him she deserve that reward, you guys need to understand, marraige is a reward for woman don't think or act otherwise.

also note when a woman says she want to marry or will end it, then end it yourself, a woman who say thet don't like/respect/love you, she just want the title and that means anyone will do, so if you give yourself any value and know your worth you will never settle for whatever

also understand some will try to not take this serious or is just emotion, but she flat out told you you better give your power to her and do it soon or she will replace you, that is no something then someone who respect you and want you would say, woman can bug you to marry or give "hints", but she will never let you go if you never ask her
 

Alvafe

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I already have a child from a previous relationship. I think she wants one to even the score. She has at times been jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Together 2 years ish. Been bumpy. She was fine initially she had financial issues that stopped us getting a house anyways. She had a Iva and debts. Now there cleared (paid off by family member) it’s like full steam ahead for her she wants it all. To me that’s not how it works. I was willing to wait and accept her situation but now feel pressured to do something that’s rushed. Women can be very selfish. Part of if it jealously of what her friends have. She is nearly 30 and has no kids no home nothing. I do not want to be solely a provider. Guess her clock is ticking. She has complained about how long it’s taken me to do some diy I just ignore her. It’s not her home
that is more on point opnion really, you should jump ship and you can't jump fast enough, she will bankrupt you, she is jealous of your daughter, and she just want a sucker to pay for her, so just run
 

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Mbuckets82

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After reading this, im so glad I don’t have to put up with that BS. Kudos to dating a woman no kids never married but she hitting a wall. If she doesn’t have a burning desire to wait for you on your terms, then walk away. There are other women who will and you’re better off as a dad without that drama.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Ultimatums are bad, but we already know that. What is an ultimatum... It is when a person tries to force their will on another, it is about power. Think about when we demand a raise in our work, the boss does not WANT to give it else they already would have. But we tell that we will quit if we don't get it. If we are high value the boss will likely give in and give it to us. In that case, we used our power to demand and win and might have to do it again. Unions do it all the time.

We can listen to her wishes and then decide what is best and take much counsel from her. Do not let her insist and decide on anything that is directly against what you want. Don't be bull-headed and tell her no just because, really consider what she is asking for. In no way ever give in to her demand if you have made it clear to her that it is not what you want. Do try to see a way to accommodate her, but do not allow her to override your choice, ever. Once that is done once, probably can never recover.
With the amount of leverage and entitlement they have in our society, they have positioned themselves as the "bosses" of the relationship ( in the non male Alpha ) cases. They will respect an outside Alpha male outside of your relationship as if he has the full range of discernment and proper decision making as a female. So in essense you are a "helper" in your own situation. Men outside of the household that she does not control are considered and viewed as men. Some of them attractive to her because she has not conquered them. We know for a fact that when women control the man that they will NOT SEXUALLY DESIRE HIM. They do not view him as a full male, he is a subordinate.

It sounds like she is not grateful for what you have done for her.
She CANT be grateful. When they position themselves as the "boss" of the relationship ( you pedastaled her ), they can NEVER be grateful, because you are supposed to do XYZ anyway. Each and every act of devotion, that required concentration, sacrifice, thought all lower your position in relation to her.

Make sure you spend enough time with friends and family aside from her. You need some balance to what she is telling you. If all you hear is her, will be in trouble soon. Spend some time reading in this forum, guys ask similar questions all the time, it is really common.
In todays society, it is most important to have your priorities in order. First it's you and your way of financially supporting yourself. Then it's your kids if you have any and any other activities you are part of or self care, or business development and growth. And then it's her, somewhere behind or ahead of "friends and family" depending on time, loyalty and effort.

If rejecting her ultimatums leads to a breakup, then leave or if it is your house, tell her to leave. Do not waver on this, you will regret it if you do and she will end up cheating on you before or after your married. 100% chance.
It's really simple today. She simply cannot run the show because the male won't be appreciated and his needs won't be met. You need to understand your program and what works for you, and only deal with women who are compatible and want to accommodate that style.
 

oldmanofthesea

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It's as simple as doing whatever you want. There is no regaining power..... if you are saying that because you think there is a way to make her still want to stay with you, even though you don't want marriage or kids, then you've already lost.

You don't really have control in this situation. She either is attracted enough to you to want to stay with you even if you don't want some of the things she wants, or she isn't. It is totally up to her to determine how important various things are to her.
 

MILLY1985

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How is she contributing or how has she contributed? (income, doing dishes, cooking, helping you with diy, etc). She has been very generous offering money buying thing for my home and helping out
Does she bring more value or more frustrations in your relationship? Both
Does she lift you up or knock you down? Both
If you didn't have a good job, do you think she'd be with you? Gut instinct maybe not
Do you think she's bad with money manangement and can bring you down financially if you got married? She is ok. An ex sting her with a huge bill hence the Iva
Does she get jealous/envious often and does she try to keep up with the Jones all the time? Jealous yes and compares to her friends
Do you think she'll always put your daughter second if you two have kids? Yes
Does she pull her own weight or are you doing more in the relationship? She does pull her own weight

Generally anytime there is an ultimatum, it's time to eject.
 

MILLY1985

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Some excellent posts here guys. I think the game is already up tbh, as said she wouldn’t be giving ultimatums if she valued being with me that much she would not risk it
 
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