Online dating tips? I'm screwing up

[stovepipe]

Came out of a 2 year relationship with BPD 6 months ago. I've finally built up the courage to try and go one dates. I have little to no experience dating at my age 39. I've always had LTR or stayed single for years till an opportunity came by. I suffer from OCD and BDD which have eaten me alive all my life. This is the first time ever putting in work to try and sharpen my skills. I'm funny as hell, and get a lot of responses back, I just seem to screw up soon as I have a date set up or get their #.

I either put them in a pedestal by telling them they are the greatest thing, or say they need to do something. Once I reread my message I realized why they suddenly stop responding. This one chick whom I hit it off with really well, gave me her # within hrs. The next day we chatted for a little, said she would be down to talk on the phone the following day. I said my words, but finished with "pick the phone and call" "always nice to be spontaneous". Or some scrap along those lines. Then I realized how stupid it was to say that,she never responded back. Out of them all, she was the one I actually clicked with and wanted to meet.

She was about to invite me to her place to, but I done screwed it up like everything else in my life. I want to message her and say "sorry if I said something wrong", but know its better to just leave it be, so I don't look crazy. Should I just leave her alone? Coming out of that relationship with the BPD really makes me realize how much work you gotta put in. BPD was too easy, almost effortless. Its like im programmed to only think of her, to only find her attractive. Now I'm left all screwed up not knowing how to talk. Any tips and guidance would be greatly appreciated.

 

[lizardking82]

Common, man, relax a bit, will you? You are trying too hard to forget about your ex. When you try too hard, it doesn't happen. Just stop approaching girls for a short while because it seems to be stressing you way too much and you have this self fulfilling prophecy that you will **** things up and you do, apparently.

Just try and deal with the other aspects of your life which (with all due respect), I don';t think are finely tuned either. There is no reason anyone should be hit so hard by a breakup be that with a BPD or a healthy person. The reason you feel still so connected to her is because there are things not done right in your life and you are choosing to postpone them for the time being because you;re convinced the key to solve it all is have someone you have a chemistry with. I will tell you this: chemistry with women is always temporary; chemistry with yourself is a permanent one once you develop it and when you are able to go easy on your life, the girls will come much easier, too, you will see.

I say do not avoid the pain you're feeling. Your feelings are natural, your thoughts are not. What you're feeling is exactly how you should be feeling, do not try to reason it that it is anyhow wrong cause it;s not. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel like being alone, be alone. Just, for fuk's sake, do not go around trying to kill the pain by collecting numbers and trynna get laid. Interacting with women should be just another fun aspect of your life, it should not be your escapade from reality.

Common, you can do this. There are some things wrong with you (like with all of us, I guess), just find the strength to accept them, let them out and move on to an amazing life.

 

[AlphaNate]

OP, I'm confused. You know what you're doing wrong, so why not just stop doing those things?

 

[stovepipe]

OP, I'm confused. You know what you're doing wrong, so why not just stop doing those things?

I've had impulsive behavior/speech problems since I was a kid. Even in relationships I say some pretty mean stuff at times without noticing. I only realize it till after the words have been said, then suffer in depression from the shame in myself. I messaged that one girl this morning to tell her Im sorry. Not excepting a response, just feel really stupid as we hit it off really well and was looking forward to meeting her.

Seems with each screw up I am learning not to do it again. I'm chatting with a single mom now whom Ive already got a lunch date with. With my mental disorders and coming out of a relationship with a BPD, my mind just ain't right. At least I'm seeing what I'm doing wrong and trying not to repeat. Unfortunately I've lost the ones whom I really clicked and looked forward to meeting.

 

[Serenity]

Try not thinking about a polar bear and it will be all you're thinking about.
Try not thinking about your past making it hard for you now and it will be all you're thinking about.

The only way out is to fill your mind with something else or become a Zen master. Distraction is easier though. Find someone who's fairly good at what you're trying to improve, either on the internet or preferably in reality. Study them, fill your mind with what they do and do as they do. Careful mixing in your own ideas about what to do, at least until you've clearly understood the core concepts behind why they do as they do.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one's own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.[1] In BDD's delusional variant, the flaw is imagined.[2] If the flaw is actual, its importance is severely exaggerated.

The trick to get over something like this isn't resistance, if you try not to think about it you'll think more about it. Instead don't hold back, let the thoughts flow and witness that it does absolutely nothing. It's runaway thoughts, you have a choice here. You can define the thoughts as yourself or define yourself as the one observing some thoughts passing through your mind. This goes for the OCD as well, BDD is really just a specific variation of OCD.

What you need most of all is to get a grip on what the fvck your brain is doing as it's doing it, that means supervising it. You seem to be aware of your mistakes so obviously the good thinking part of your mind is in there, that should be the supervisor. That noise I'm fairly sure exists in your mind should be treated as a child, the good part of your mind should guide it.

 

[SmooveMooves]

I've had impulsive behavior/speech problems since I was a kid. Even in relationships I say some pretty mean stuff at times without noticing. I only realize it till after the words have been said, then suffer in depression from the shame in myself.

Look man, I'm not a psychiatrist and I obviously don't know how detrimental these disoders are but I absolutely despise them. Once a doctor tells someone they have disorder they forego full responsibility and any mistake or bad thought is: "Well I have grade II multiple hdmi so I can't help it."

Disclaimer: I am not saying this is what you're doing

But

You are 39 years old. You are too old to not have impulsive problems under control. You control your body. You control your thoughts. If your disorders are so severe that you cannot, you need to seek further help. A man who cannot control himself will do poorly in the dating market.

Also

Stop relying on Online dating. The women are shít. It should be something you do on the side while you actively go out and live your life. You have a higher chance at having chemistry with a woman you met in real life. Participate in social hobbies. Meet up with old friends. Be personable at the workplace.

 

[stovepipe]

She replied...Is she asking if she thought I wasn't interested or she wasn't interested?

"You haven't said anything wrong. I just wasn't sure if there was still genuine interest there. Plus, it's been a bit busy on my end".

 

[stovepipe]

Look man, I'm not a psychiatrist and I obviously don't know how detrimental these disoders are but I absolutely despise them. Once a doctor tells someone they have disorder they forego full responsibility and any mistake or bad thought is: "Well I have grade II multiple hdmi so I can't help it."

Disclaimer: I am not saying this is what you're doing

But

You are 39 years old. You are too old to not have impulsive problems under control. You control your body. You control your thoughts. If your disorders are so severe that you cannot, you need to seek further help. A man who cannot control himself will do poorly in the dating market.

That's like saying a person with a mental disorder at 40 is too old to have it. Do you not understand some of us who suffer have tried almost everything out there in order to TRY and fix these problems? I didnt ask to have these problems, nor am I in denial like a the BPD I dated. Im aware of my problems, nothing has worked in keeping them under control at ALL times. Deep down i feel like a child who hasn't and cant grown up in terms of SOME behaviors. The main reason why I never really dated was due to these problems I've mentioned. I've always stuck to LTR.

 

[SmooveMooves]

That's like saying a person with a mental disorder at 40 is too old to have it. Do you not understand some of us who suffer have tried almost everything out there in order to TRY and fix these problems? I didnt ask to have these problems, nor am I in denial like a the BPD I dated. Im aware of my problems, nothing has worked in keeping them under control at ALL times. Deep down i feel like a child who hasn't and cant grown up in terms of SOME behaviors. The main reason why I never really dated was due to these problems I've mentioned. I've always stuck to LTR.

Precisely why I started by saying I don't understand them and have no exactly how dehabilitating they can be. Something I can't wrap my head around. I'm sorry if I offended. It wasn't my intention.

My points still stand. Work on yourself. Focus on real game in real life. Online date on the side.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Whats your diet like?
Deficiencies in certain minerals and vitamins can cause a sh!tload of anxiety and obsessive disorders.

 

[ubercat]

Mate I d suggest yoga classes and training in a traditional martial art. Both will address how to control your thoughts and quieten your mind. Try and go to the same class every week as a routine. Fixing yourself through willpower is hard and unreliable. While you're working on a big problem like this habit structure and routine are your friends.

About the dating I agree with the other guys. Get out there be social and just practice talking to everyone you meet. Get good at asking people interesting questions based on what they have just said and try and keep the conversation 80% on them. Those skills will be essential on a date.

 

[stovepipe]

The one I sent a message to and apologized, messaged back saying she was busy and we're cool. We chatted this week and could tell she was dropping hints she wants me to ask her out. So I did last night and she said "totally trying to grab a drink" next week or weekend.

I answered her last message saying the weekend would be best and also a bunch of other stuff she asked. This morning she replies, but doesn't answer any of the questions, but asks if I want to grab a drink tonight. I kinda wanted to give myself time to prepare as I haven't been on a date in years. I'm a little nervous to go, on top of it being mothers day.

We did talk about our views on kids, I also sent her a really romantic song to listen to. Part of me is trying in a way to mirror my exbpd's seductive behavior she used on me with this one. I know I have no business worrying about women right now, I'm doing it out of anger towards my ex and also cause Im trying to sharpen game in which is little to non. I rely mostly on my looks and humor, but game is something that I never had.

Precisely why I started by saying I don't understand them and have no exactly how dehabilitating they can be. Something I can't wrap my head around. I'm sorry if I offended. It wasn't my intention.

My points still stand. Work on yourself. Focus on real game in real life. Online date on the side.

Apology accepted. I did ask out a girl a couple weeks ago at some sporting good store. She was taken, but I tried. I haven't asked a girl out in probably 7 years, so I am trying little by little to gain confidence. Ultimately, I shouldn't be chasing tail. but rather working on myself.

Mate I d suggest yoga classes and training in a traditional martial art. Both will address how to control your thoughts and quieten your mind. Try and go to the same class every week as a routine. Fixing yourself through willpower is hard and unreliable. While you're working on a big problem like this habit structure and routine are your friends.

About the dating I agree with the other guys. Get out there be social and just practice talking to everyone you meet. Get good at asking people interesting questions based on what they have just said and try and keep the conversation 80% on them. Those skills will be essential on a date.

I have told myself I need some kind of martial art to better my life and improve my confidence. I know deep down it will change me for the better.

I've noticed a spark in myself I never had before. I'm talking to more women than ever before. At a friends house party I told a girl who hated me, but thought I was attractive how good she was looking. She stopped dead in her tracks and said I caught her by surprise. She was all smiles and could tell she wanted that D. Feel like a kid learning how to play a video game. I'm old, but better late than never I guess.

Whats your diet like?
Deficiencies in certain minerals and vitamins can cause a sh!tload of anxiety and obsessive disorders.

It's been horrid. I've been doing better as of late. I'm just stuck in this deep depression I cant seem to get out of. Before I dated that sloot I was in the best shape of my life. Then I gained 50lbs when with her, lost it since she left, but the gym I cant seem to be constant with. My vitamin intake is not good. I do know how good it feels and how much clearer your mind thinks when your body has the nutrients it needs.

 

[marmel75]

Uhh...how about this, since you seem to know what you send is f'd up after re-reading it.

How bout type in what you want to text, then PUT THE PHONE DOWN WITHOUT HITTING SEND, and comeback 30 minutes later and re-read the text.

If it doesn't sound F'd up then press send.

Probelm solved.

 

[stovepipe]

Uhh...how about this, since you seem to know what you send is f'd up after re-reading it.

How bout type in what you want to text, then PUT THE PHONE DOWN WITHOUT HITTING SEND, and comeback 30 minutes later and re-read the text.

If it doesn't sound F'd up then press send.

Probelm solved.

Good idea, I'll try that. I seem to be getting better as Im learning from my mistakes.

Got two dates set up. I'm nervous AF, as its been more years than I can remember when i went on a date. Going to read the DJ to increase my confidence.

 

[ubercat]

Please note I said traditional martial art. Aikido s good for the mental side and learning circle patterns and flow. Traditional goju Ryu karate is tough conditioning, good structure/discipline, good variety of techniques. Also they don't mind what you mix into dojo sparring which can make it more realistic. I ve boxed, tackled, used trapping hands and they don't mind. Obviously u have to respect safety and not go too hard.

 

[resilient]

I would add to @ubercat suggestion that Tai chi, meditation, and deep breathing techniques are all excellent methods for thinking more clearly and controlling impulses.

 

[stovepipe]

Went on a date with the girl mentioned in post #7. I tried my best to keep my cool and be myself. She wasn't very talkative nor seemed interested. Kinda bland, boring and lives life by the book. Lost most my interest when telling me she was in Law Enforcement and has 100 food allergies. To my surprise, she texted me at 7am the following morning telling me she had fun, then noticed she deleted her POF account shortly after that. Not going to pursue this one, but proud of myself for trying.

Please note I said traditional martial art. Aikido s good for the mental side and learning circle patterns and flow. Traditional goju Ryu karate is tough conditioning, good structure/discipline, good variety of techniques. Also they don't mind what you mix into dojo sparring which can make it more realistic. I ve boxed, tackled, used trapping hands and they don't mind. Obviously u have to respect safety and not go too hard.

Haven't personally seen any local places that offer traditional martial arts. Almost everything in my area has switched over to MMA gyms. I will however do some research and see if I can find any. Traditional MA does seem more suited for strectghing the mind along with providing discipline.

I would add to @ubercat suggestion that Tai chi, meditation, and deep breathing techniques are all excellent methods for thinking more clearly and controlling impulses.

Tai chi is something that always interested me. It looks very peaceful and calming to the mind. I'll look into that as well. Thanks!

 

[marmel75]

Good idea, I'll try that. I seem to be getting better as Im learning from my mistakes.

Got two dates set up. I'm nervous AF, as its been more years than I can remember when i went on a date. Going to read the DJ to increase my confidence.

Dude, let me tell you something.

These online ho's aren't worth getting nervous over.

 

[skinnyguy]

Do you use Bumble?

 

[Masculinity]

Get offline. Become comfortable talking to people face to face. Approach females in real life and get numbers. Repeat and choose the best prospects.