You’re right. I really appreciate the write up. They actually have free counseling at the school, I’ll set some up whenever they have a slot for me. I’ll put an update in here whenever I do.Get some help, brother.
Even if all you do is go to the session and talk about your favorite ice cream with the counselor, it's better than nothing. You have so much going for you, life is already short enough. Don't make it shorter.
It is hard to feel like you're making progress when you look at it on a small scale. But then you zoom out and see your progress is exponential. I think you understand this, you've read your older posts and compared to now. You need to understand something; you will never be perfect. Especially if you aim for being perfect. There's always something that can be done to be better. But your goal should just be to always be progressing and having a purpose in life. I'd say you're doing a pretty good job at that, you just need to learn to be "proud but never satisfied". I, too, struggle with wanting to be perfect. But I've come to realize that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I have a lot going for me and I will continue to push myself. But it isn't the end of the world if I don't do this one thing perfectly. It's okay if I don't get this chick's number. It's okay if I don't do well on my homework. It's okay if I miss the gym tomorrow. It's only not okay if I accept those failures, don't learn from them and decide to stay set in my ways.
Your ego will destroy you if you continue to let it make your decisions for you. You know what you need to do, do it. Think about it, what's there to be embarrassed about? You know you have a problem and you know there is a professional who can help you. They literally get paid to help you and that's their whole purpose. Here's a less serious, similar example that I experienced recently that I learned from: I was getting destroyed in my fluids class. I went to office hours and everyone was asking questions that I hadn't even gotten to yet. I was too proud to ask my little basic questions because I didn't want to seem out of place. But because of that, I didn't finish the homework. I completed maybe 30% of it because I was too proud to get the help I needed. From a person who is literally there to answer questions like mine. And the whole time I knew that I should suck it up and ask my questions, but I was too proud. I will never do that again. I always ask my questions now no matter how basic they are or how many times the TA has to explain it to me. I'm gonna get mine.
Don't be so proud and bound to your ego that you keep yourself from living the life you deserve. Go get yours. If you truly want to be a Don Juan, then I think you have some questions that need professional answers. These things you discuss, suicide and discontent, need to be addressed as they're fundamental to your well being. You need to understand why it is you feel this way and how you can deal with it.
Listen to yourself, man. You're talking about wanting to end your life and you can't humble yourself enough to get the help you need. You know that's not right.
Your mental health is your most valuable asset. We care about you, but we need you to start caring about yourself.
What's wrong Kyle?
Man these, kids man, talkin' sh!t, makin' me feel bad
Man, fvck them kids, bro. Look around, bro, look at life
Man you're right
Man, you see, you see these fine b!tches over here?
You see these trees man? You see this water?
I guess it is okay
Come on, man, you got so much more to appreciate, man
Man you know what, y-you're right
You damn right, I'm right, I can't remember a time I was goddamn wrong
Man, thanks, Lil Boat
Hey man, that's what I'm here for"
I feel like these feelings will start to go away as I continue to progress in this year as well.