Need Male Perspective: Relationship Going Well, But Something Feels Off

[BackInTheGame78]

Here is the best advice I can give:

I do not like the terms "red flags" and "green flags" because they imply a general rule set by others. The only things that matters is what any single man likes or doesn't like. One man might not give any thought at all to the fact she has had a lot of partners: another man might not like this at all... it all depends on what you can live with.

No one, and I mean NO ONE is perfect for any one man. Everything in life is a compromise, but you should never compromise on what you consider really important. The little things, sure as long as your partner is willing to compromise as well. But understand that even the little things can become BIG over time.... it's just the way things are.

The OP mentioned the fact his GF has a lot of partners bothers him, it is unlikely he will change, and this will always bother him, so for him, that's a problem. For me... well this wouldn't bother me since I likewise have been with many women, and I would be a hypocrite if this bugged me.

The OP mentioned that he is noticing some things that indicate his GF is controlling. This would bother me, I run screaming from any efforts to control my life... this is a BIG problem for me. But I know a lot of men that don't mind at all checking in with their GFs... and this would be okay I suppose as long as she is willing to do the same with you.

The reason why many here are not giving advice is because no one here can decide what is best for the OP. We don't life his life, we do not know his values. We don't know this woman, we do not know her motivations.

The best general advice I can give any man is simple. Be the best version possible of yourself, understand who they are and what they want, know your screening criteria (things you cannot live with), know your evaluative criteria (things you might not like but what you can live with under certain circumstances) and what you want. You add up what you want, then do the emotional math and start subtracting the evaluative criteria, and at the end, you are in the positive you can make it work. Keep making an effort to date, go out with as many women as you can and you will eventually find someone that fits... if you never find her... well that's okay because it is better to be alone than chained to someone that makes you miserable.

Finally understand it's not JUST the man's call... you cannot control women; they are going to do what they do... you cannot force her to compromise she has to be willing to do this without coercion because she feels you are worth it. If at any time the woman starts to pull away, you just have to let her go, for many men this is really fvcking hard and emotional self-control is your friend.

I mean in what universe is a woman strung out on meth or heroin or an alcoholic not a red flag?

Or one that has 5 kids by 5 different "baby Daddy's"?

 

[RangerMIke]

I mean in what universe is a woman strung out on meth or heroin or an alcoholic not a red flag?

By another man that is also strung out on meth or heroin or alcoholic. BTW that would be screening criteria (called reg flag if you like) for me, but I can't speak for all men.

Or one that has 5 kids by 5 different "baby Daddy's"?

Again, screening criteria for me but you and I both know there are men out there that would hit that.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

By another man that is also strung out on meth or heroin or alcoholic. BTW that would be screening criteria (called reg flag if you like) for me, but I can't speak for all men.



Again, screening criteria for me but you and I both know there are men out there that would hit that.

I mean I guess, but that doesn't mean it's not a red flag...

Simply means there are some men willing to bypass them or look the other way.

 

[RangerMIke]

I mean I guess, but that doesn't mean it's not a red flag...

Simply means there are some men willing to bypass them or look the other way.

What many call a 'red flag' is really screening criteria based on a man's individual preference. There are no universal 'red flags' and it all depends on what an individual man is willing to put up with. We are arguing about semantics.

Now if your point is that there are some women that ALL men SHOULD stay away from... okay I agree. To be fair, there are women that make bad decisions about men.

We currently live in a free country, so people can make decisions that ultimately hurt them... that is the cost of freedom. When I see a friend of mine dating a train wreak... I don't say ANYTHING to them, it's not my circus: not my monkey. Now if he comes to me looking for financial assistance to help him with his dumb@ss decision, I'm done with him. The most I'll ever do is take him out, get him hammered and let him talk, he has to learn on his own. You can't force someone that is making emotional decisions to change their minds with reason.

Having said that I say "God bless all the men taking on crazy chicks... because if they didn't take care of them the government and my tax dollars would."

 

[Vanderdonck]

I would consider drug and alcohol abuse an absolute deal breaker, not a red flag. Maybe they mean the same thing.

 

[quentin]

Here is the best advice I can give:

I do not like the terms "red flags" and "green flags" because they imply a general rule set by others. The only things that matters is what any single man likes or doesn't like. One man might not give any thought at all to the fact she has had a lot of partners: another man might not like this at all... it all depends on what you can live with.

No one, and I mean NO ONE is perfect for any one man. Everything in life is a compromise, but you should never compromise on what you consider really important. The little things, sure as long as your partner is willing to compromise as well. But understand that even the little things can become BIG over time.... it's just the way things are.

The OP mentioned the fact his GF has a lot of partners bothers him, it is unlikely he will change, and this will always bother him, so for him, that's a problem. For me... well this wouldn't bother me since I likewise have been with many women, and I would be a hypocrite if this bugged me.

The OP mentioned that he is noticing some things that indicate his GF is controlling. This would bother me, I run screaming from any efforts to control my life... this is a BIG problem for me. But I know a lot of men that don't mind at all checking in with their GFs... and this would be okay I suppose as long as she is willing to do the same with you.

The reason why many here are not giving advice is because no one here can decide what is best for the OP. We don't life his life, we do not know his values. We don't know this woman, we do not know her motivations.

The best general advice I can give any man is simple. Be the best version possible of yourself, understand who they are and what they want, know your screening criteria (things you cannot live with), know your evaluative criteria (things you might not like but what you can live with under certain circumstances) and what you want. You add up what you want, then do the emotional math and start subtracting the evaluative criteria, and at the end, you are in the positive you can make it work. Keep making an effort to date, go out with as many women as you can and you will eventually find someone that fits... if you never find her... well that's okay because it is better to be alone than chained to someone that makes you miserable.

Finally understand it's not JUST the man's call... you cannot control women; they are going to do what they do... you cannot force her to compromise she has to be willing to do this without coercion because she feels you are worth it. If at any time the woman starts to pull away, you just have to let her go, for many men this is really fvcking hard and emotional self-control is your friend.

That's a great answer, thank you very much. I spoke to her, and she's giving me a lot more breathing space. I'm taking a step back. Anyway, it's only been three months, so I'm going to give it time.

If I see that things aren't moving forward in a month or two, I'll start to end it.

Thank you for all your valuable advice. I'm going back to work now.

 

[RangerMIke]

I would consider drug and alcohol abuse an absolute deal breaker, not a red flag. Maybe they mean the same thing.

That is my screening criteria as well, you can call this a red flag... it's the same thing.