Need Male Perspective: Relationship Going Well, But Something Feels Off

[quentin]

Hi everyone,


This is my first time posting here, so please be kind.
I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on a situation I’m currently dealing with.


I’ve been with a girl for a little over 3 months now. Overall, things are going well. There are a lot of green flags: she works hard, knows how to run a household, is invested, responsible, and we genuinely have a lot of good moments together.
If I look at it objectively, there are many positives.


That said, there are a few points that have been bothering me, which I initially chose to ignore because I liked her a lot.


First point: she’s had over 20 partners, both serious and casual.
I’m not judging her past — everyone has one — but it’s something that stays in the back of my mind and isn’t easy for me to completely ignore.


Second point: in my opinion, she shows signs of emotional dependency.
She constantly asks what I’m doing, where I am, who I’m with. She needs frequent contact and wants to see each other all the time.
At times, it feels a bit overwhelming. I’ve already explained to her that this isn’t how I personally view a relationship and that I need space.


For context:
I’m 25 years old, and I’ve always lived with a certain level of abundance when it comes to women, including now. I’ve never had to justify my actions to anyone.
I live a very independent lifestyle, and suddenly feeling “obligated” to report what I’m doing feels uncomfortable to me.


Last point, and probably the most concerning one for me:
Because we see each other so often and talk constantly, I’ve noticed a significant drop in sexual desire on my side.
Honestly, at 25, that raises questions for me. The attraction is clearly lower than it was at the beginning.


So right now, I feel torn:

• on one hand, a serious, invested woman with many positive qualities
• on the other, a feeling of suffocation, doubts about long-term compatibility, and a noticeable decrease in desire

Have any of you been in a similar situation?
Am I overthinking this?
Are these early warning signs I shouldn’t ignore, or just a normal phase?


Thanks in advance for any honest feedback, even if it’s blunt.
This is the first time I’ve asked for outside opinions on something like this.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

How often are you seeing this woman?

If it's more than 1 and occasionally 2 times a week at this point in the relationship you are creating some of these issues yourself.

It's your job to regulate that aspect of your time and attention and make her earn it.

You are doling it out for free and that which comes easy, has little value.

Which explains why she seems to think she can demand so much of it...you've shown her it's not very valuable to you.

 

[quentin]

How often are you seeing this woman?

If it's more than 1 and occasionally 2 times a week at this point in the relationship you are creating some of these issues yourself.

It's your job to regulate that aspect of your time and attention and make her earn it.

You are doling it out for free and that which comes easy, has little value.

Which explains why she seems to think she can demand so much of it...you've shown her it's not very valuable to you.

You may be right. Let's just say that for a while, I was doing some work on my house, and we saw each other every day...

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You may be right. Let's just say that for a while, I was doing some work on my house, and we saw each other every day...

Yeah, that's way way too much.

You might as well tell her you have nothing going on in your life other than seeing her and that she is the most important thing to you.

Massive red flag for a man within 3 months.

Unless you are living with a woman or married you never should see them every day. And moving in together isn't a wise decision unless you are planning to get married and have known each other at least 2 years.

You cannot rush the screening and vetting process that requires consistenencybof behavior over a long period of time in various situations and moods.

 

[quentin]

Yeah, that's way way too much.

You might as well tell her you have nothing going on in your life other than seeing her and that she is the most important thing to you.

Massive red flag for a man within 3 months.

Unless you are living with a woman or married you never should see them every day. And moving in together isn't a wise decision unless you are planning to get married and have known each other at least 2 years.

I'm not afraid of losing her, I just want to understand why I feel this way.

Your answers make it sound like I'm on the wrong side, haha.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I'm not afraid of losing her, I just want to understand why I feel this way.

Your answers make it sound like I'm on the wrong side, haha.

Because you essentially have tried to create a 2 year relationship in 3 months.

It doesn't work like that

 

[pipeman84]

I’ve been with a girl for a little over 3 months now.

There are a lot of green flags

First point: she’s had over 20 partners, both serious and casual.

So right now, I feel torn:

• on one hand, a serious, invested woman with many positive qualities
• on the other, a feeling of suffocation, doubts about long-term compatibility, and a noticeable decrease in desire

If you're looking for something serious, then she's definitely not the one.
If you're looking for drama and to experience for yourself why those 20 previous relationships ended, then keep going.

 

[quentin]

Because you essentially have tried to create a 2 year relationship in 3 months.

It doesn't work like that

That's exactly what I was looking for, thank you!

 

[quentin]

If you're looking for something serious, then she's definitely not the one.
If you're looking for drama and to experience for yourself why those 20 previous relationships ended, then keep going.

That's really interesting!!! Can you continue?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

That's really interesting!!! Can you continue?

Good women get snapped up by guys...the fact not one of those 20 guys tried to lock her down doesn't say much good about her...and if that's coming from her side as to why it didn't happen, even worse things about her

 

[quentin]

Good women get snapped up by guys...the fact not one of those 20 guys tried to lock her down doesn't say much good about her...and if that's coming from her side as to why it didn't happen, even worse things about her

She had serious relationships with these 20 men. Some of them were bad.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She had serious relationships with these 20 men. Some of them were bad.

Even worse...women who date toxic guys repeatedly actually "like" that and feel that's what their worth is.

Eventually she will look at you like there is something wrong with you because you don't treat her like sh!t.

Been there, done that.

 

[quentin]

Even worse...women who date toxic guys repeatedly actually "like" that and feel that's what their worth is.

Eventually she will look at you like there is something wrong with you because you don't treat her like sh!t.

Been there, done that.

Okay, so we agree on that. Do you think I should leave her? Do you think they're all the same?

 

[Solomon]

A woman who's highly interested in you and wants to see you all the time isn't unusual. However, as a man, you have to make time for your own space. When I was your age, I thought I wanted to see a girl(s)all the time, but you quickly learn that women can get in the way of your purpose and also that you have to continuously entertain them espeically when you're younger. I have no qualms about seeing a woman only 1-2 times a week. My buddy came up with his own rule: he only gives women 7% of his time. He flips houses for a living and also door dashes etc. For him, 7% is optimum.

I'm curious, how old is she? I'm gonna be honest, man: if the 20 bodies bother you now, they'll continue to bother you to the point that it affects how you view her, and that may be why your desire drops. Could also be because at first, you guys went at it like rabbits. I had a buddy in a similar situation last year he was dating a girl, come to find out she had 25 bodies or so at 26. Also her ex-boyfriend was a drug dealer and she use to help him bag up the drugs. She got insecure about it because my buddy started low-key calling her out by using it as an insult when they would argue. The relationship didn't last (she always seemed to have one foot in and one foot out).


Personally, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but for me, seeing a woman every day would be annoying. If I spend two days in a row with one, I feel unproductive.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Because we see each other so often and talk constantly, I’ve noticed a significant drop in sexual desire on my side.
Honestly, at 25, that raises questions for me. The attraction is clearly lower than it was at the beginning.

So right now, I feel torn:

• on one hand, a serious, invested woman with many positive qualities
• on the other, a feeling of suffocation, letdoubts about long-term compatibility, and a noticeable decrease in desire

^^Emphasizing what's bolded and the bullet points, I have a question for you. What good is a woman who is invested with positive qualities if your desire to f*ck her is lacking and the sexual attraction isn't there or greatly diminished?

You may as well be friends. As sexual attraction/desire is what differentiates romantic/sexual attraction (which needs to be there in any good solid happy relationship) from a friendship.

Think about it.

I know if it were me (I'm female BTW and been in your shoes) there is not even a choice. If the sexual desire and attraction is gone it's done.

Keep in mind however desire does tend to ebb and flow in a long term relationship. In this case, if she were to pull back and not be so smothering/suffocating and behaved in such a way that challenged you and inspired you, your desire and attraction might return.

Problem is if you talk with her about it, she's likely to get offended and nothing gets resolved.

It's one of those things she will have to learn for herself with experience after a few guys dump her for being too needy, clinging, possessive and suffocating.

Again your choice but my advice would be at your age (25) ending things would be the better choice.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[Sega Genesis]

First point: she’s had over 20 partners, both serious and casual.
I’m not judging her past — everyone has one — but it’s something that stays in the back of my mind and isn’t easy for me to completely ignore.

^^How old is she? I assume your age - 25? Why has she had so many partners? What happened and why did they all end? Imo you're right to question it.

Also 3 months is fairly standard for when people begin questioning things. Not sure what it is about 3 months but it's uncanny how many couples either go separate ways or move towards something more serious after 3 months.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Hi everyone,


This is my first time posting here, so please be kind.
I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on a situation I’m currently dealing with.


I’ve been with a girl for a little over 3 months now. Overall, things are going well. There are a lot of green flags: she works hard, knows how to run a household, is invested, responsible, and we genuinely have a lot of good moments together.
If I look at it objectively, there are many positives.


That said, there are a few points that have been bothering me, which I initially chose to ignore because I liked her a lot.


First point: she’s had over 20 partners, both serious and casual.
I’m not judging her past — everyone has one — but it’s something that stays in the back of my mind and isn’t easy for me to completely ignore.


Second point: in my opinion, she shows signs of emotional dependency.
She constantly asks what I’m doing, where I am, who I’m with. She needs frequent contact and wants to see each other all the time.
At times, it feels a bit overwhelming. I’ve already explained to her that this isn’t how I personally view a relationship and that I need space.


For context:
I’m 25 years old, and I’ve always lived with a certain level of abundance when it comes to women, including now. I’ve never had to justify my actions to anyone.
I live a very independent lifestyle, and suddenly feeling “obligated” to report what I’m doing feels uncomfortable to me.


Last point, and probably the most concerning one for me:
Because we see each other so often and talk constantly, I’ve noticed a significant drop in sexual desire on my side.
Honestly, at 25, that raises questions for me. The attraction is clearly lower than it was at the beginning.


So right now, I feel torn:

• on one hand, a serious, invested woman with many positive qualities
• on the other, a feeling of suffocation, doubts about long-term compatibility, and a noticeable decrease in desire

Have any of you been in a similar situation?
Am I overthinking this?
Are these early warning signs I shouldn’t ignore, or just a normal phase?


Thanks in advance for any honest feedback, even if it’s blunt.
This is the first time I’ve asked for outside opinions on something like this.

1) Not good, especially considering her age (I'm assuming that she's in her early 20's since you're 25).

2) This is a question of degree. All women are emotionally dependent to some extent. If you're going to be in a relationship, a certain amount of "reporting" is unavoidable. As long as it doesn't cross into unreasonable jealousy and paranoia, it may be considered "normal".

3) This is also unavoidable I'm afraid. Men were not designed for monogamy ,so your attraction to any given girl, regardless of how hot she is, will decrease over time. This is especially true for guys with options.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Her emotional dependency combined with a high number of past partners may suggest a pattern rather than isolated issues. She becomes attached very quickly, sometimes before you or anyone else has had time to catch up. That intensity can feel flattering at first, but it often comes from her own needs rather than the connection itself. This clinginess and constant need for reassurance could be why you’ve started feeling less attracted to her or even overwhelmed. While the attention may boost your ego briefly, the discomfort you feel is worth paying attention to.

As per the other issue, sexual desire often drops when a relationship becomes too familiar. When she knows everything about you and the relationship feels predictable, it loses mystery, tension, and excitement. She knows you will always be there and available, which reduces the desire that comes from uncertainty or challenge. Because the outcome feels guaranteed, the relationship can feel safe but less exciting, and your sexual interest can naturally fade.

In conclusion, this relationship feels like she is leading and you are just going along with it. If it continues this way, you may start to resent the situation and feel trapped, which isn’t healthy for either of you.

 

[BeExcellent]

Thanks in advance for any honest feedback, even if it’s blunt.
This is the first time I’ve asked for outside opinions on something like this.

Advice from the old lady:

Firstly welcome. Here are some thoughts.

Point 1: She has had other sexual partners. She cannot undo that. Its kinda funny on the one hand the madonna/w h o r e complex. Guys expect women to have sex within 3 dates or the girl is a prude....but if she does that she ends up with a body count. She can't change it and perhaps she's been somewhat straight about that, so if you judge on that there's really no way to recover.

Point 2: This is where the interactions fall off, and part of why she has a body count. She is very insecure. And her insecurity has become what pushes men away, which makes her that much more clingy. Its a self fulfilling prophesy in short order.....She is insecure, becomes clingy, guy wants space, she gets more insecure, guy drops her for being too suffocating. Sound familiar? She is attractive enough to bang but the insecurity is such a turn off after a awhile that the drama is not worth it.

Any of this ringing any bells?

Point 3: Your desire is lacking because her behavior is a turn off. The physical nature of sex itself only gets you so far. After a while you have to want to get closer and more connected to someone, and the woman needs to be attractive in her behavior for desire to deepen.

That is not what is going on with y'all. Nobody likes a stage 5 clinger. Furthermore, these are HER issues. She is insecure (and probably jealous too).....those behavioral patterns are always about the person exhibiting the behaviors (in other words NOT you.)

You probably don't want to feel like you are being unkind but her behavior is not going to suddenly improve (these are character flaws that affect her because of her low self esteem and her relationship history.) You cannot fix her. Think very carefully about whether it makes sense to continue.

You are having to escape her to a degree. Anytime you are trying to escape someone you are trying to get away rather than get closer.

Give that a think.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Guys expect women to have sex within 3 dates or the girl is a prude....but if she does that she ends up with a body count.

This is a great point and so true BE.

That said (and no disrespect to any of the men here) what a few men have told me is that they want and expect a woman to have sex with him within 3 dates but not with other men. Previous men.

They want to feel like her attraction and desire for HIM is so powerful and compelling, she just can't help herself.

That's the rationale in their minds; guys be honest is this true? A little? For those who care about body count.