My best friend is flirting with my girlfriend and she subtly reciprocates

[soulforge]

Darn, I got here too late. The fact that she is the one who ended it added insult to injury. Sounds like she wanted to eject from the plane to avoid dealing with the consequences of crashing it.

I would have offered this advice:

1. Do not "discuss" what is happening between her and your friend nor should you "talk it out." It's obvious what's going on. If you try to discuss it, you'll get the same answers you did ("I wasn't! I was just tightening the table..." etc.).

2. Since it's obvious, you need to issue a direct order to her to not see or talk to this guy again. Do this on the grounds that you are saving the relationship (you actually are) and offer her zero compromise or negotiation power. She was tempted to be disloyal and has shown you disrespect, so she has no say in the manner anymore.

3. You are taking charge here and you're the one keeping who's things together, so don't let her get her word in. If she says her side of the story, let her speak to see how she presents it (for your own information) but if it's really that obvious, then you should make it clear that you don't believe her, you don't intend to talk it out, and the order has already been issued to halt all activities with this person. Don't make an issue out of not believing her because she can use that to make a fork of the original issue at hand. A silent look of disapproval and a reminder of what the deal is will suffice. Don't let her squirm out of it by making the talk about something else. "Don't speak to him ever again" is the single point to focus on and for her to understand. Anything else is off-topic. This needs to be communicated effectively in one, and only one, conversation in a single setting. No reminders.

4. If it stops, carry on as usual. Your relationship was in danger, so you solved the problem. Good work. She will remember that and respect you for it. If she sees you're willing to defend what you have (her) then she will be more loyal to you in the long run. Women will never say it openly, but they want their men to do this. She'll see your willingness to take charge and accept no BS from her (she knows she's in the wrong) as a sign that you care about her (which it actually is).

If it doesn't stop, end the relationship. You've already proven your willingness to defend it to the maximum legal degree you could. By issuing the order on the grounds that you're keeping the relationship together, you basically gave her a referendum on you as a lover and she decided to reject it. So there's nothing left to salvage out of it anymore.

As far as your friend goes, that's a really complex case. I don't know what you should do about it. He did try to betray your 20 year friendship just for an extra girl, so... yeah.

This is good advice, however in OPs situation its pretty much irrelevant.

Firm boundaries should be set at the beginning of the relationship. She should already be familiar & acustomed to the no nonsense type of guy, who won't stick around if serious boundaries are violated.

If you have been weak with implementing boundaries from the offset, because you feared losing her, then all of a sudden, some years down the line, you decide to come down hard on her with conditions & boundaries, she will resent you for it, or simply will not take you seriously.

It's unfortunate that not only did OPs Girlfriend treat him with little respect, but to add insult to injury, she managed to dump him too.

That's got to fvcking sting.

OP did your ex display disrespectful behaviour in any other scenarios or incidents, apart from this situation with your snake freind?

Surly there was a pattern developing here.

 

[Baibars]

Posting this here as a reminder for myself and other guys that are going through the same thing. Found this in my old hard drive from way back. Written by Tyler from his RSD days:

"Welcome to hell.

I got dumped this year as well.

She wanted to come back but had changed so drastically after that there was nothing to return to.

My game is the best it's ever been but no other girl can replace what you lost.

It comes down to being happy in solitude. Letting time work it's magic, which it will.

Go out and socialize. There will be a hole in your heart that makes every day nearly impossible to get through, but you must carry on and become stronger from the experience.

Do lots of dates but don't **** them as you will feel horrified and disgusted. I made that mistake repeatedly til I admitted to myself I needed time to heal.

I now have multiple new hotter girls who are gaga over me but I just do dinners with them and hang out. This is healthy as it doesn't paint over the pain.

When you are truly happy in complete solitude again and no longer miss her, you will be ready to be with someone else.

For now go out daily and keep it super low pressure. Talk to tons of girls and date them but no need to close.

There is no "rejections" at this phase. You are raw and hurt. It's not "you" at full strength being rejected.

You will bounce back like a phoenix rising from the ashes 10x more powerful, while she will mask the pain with a rebound and likely not grow at all.

Be thankful for the gift of the pain.

Tyler"

I agree that one needs time to heal. I had sex with 2 girls after my ex and I honestly felt really bad spending time with them.
Having sex was ok but what made me feel bad was going out with them and just spending time. I felt so fcking bad and disgusted I can’t describe it.
Being alone is better for me.
right now there is a girl that wants to spend time with me but I can’t even text her back.
All I can do is Setting up dates once every 1-2 weeks and bang her.

If you had an attachment with a girl it’s not easy like some people here say. „ go out and bang hotter“ probably works when you just got dumped by some girl you knew for some weeks/months or it was just superficial af.

we should take our time. That’s not a damn competition about who has more sex than the ex. Detaching means not caring anymore.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I agree that one needs time to heal. I had sex with 2 girls after my ex and I honestly felt really bad spending time with them.
Having sex was ok but what made me feel bad was going out with them and just spending time. I felt so fcking bad and disgusted I can’t describe it.
Being alone is better for me.
right now there is a girl that wants to spend time with me but I can’t even text her back.
All I can do is Setting up dates once every 1-2 weeks and bang her.

If you had an attachment with a girl it’s not easy like some people here say. „ go out and bang hotter“ probably works when you just got dumped by some girl you knew for some weeks/months or it was just superficial af.

we should take our time. That’s not a damn competition about who has more sex than the ex. Detaching means not caring anymore.

See I feel the opposite. I am starting to put some names and numbers in the calendar and the abundance mindset is already helping my relationship. For instance the losing interest already in analyzing or wishing for different outcomes in behavior is already present. Quite the opposite actually, give her space and just consider other options if necessary. Abundance mindset 100% way to go imo.

 

[soulforge]

I agree that one needs time to heal. I had sex with 2 girls after my ex and I honestly felt really bad spending time with them.
Having sex was ok but what made me feel bad was going out with them and just spending time. I felt so fcking bad and disgusted I can’t describe it.
Being alone is better for me.
right now there is a girl that wants to spend time with me but I can’t even text her back.
All I can do is Setting up dates once every 1-2 weeks and bang her.

If you had an attachment with a girl it’s not easy like some people here say. „ go out and bang hotter“ probably works when you just got dumped by some girl you knew for some weeks/months or it was just superficial af.

we should take our time. That’s not a damn competition about who has more sex than the ex. Detaching means not caring anymore.

I never invest that much in hoes. Especially Western hoes, moving on isn't that hard for me. If I meet another girl, and she is pleasent and feminine. It's a win for me.

 

[vato]

Darn, I got here too late. The fact that she is the one who ended it added insult to injury. Sounds like she wanted to eject from the plane to avoid dealing with the consequences of crashing it.

I would have offered this advice:

1. Do not "discuss" what is happening between her and your friend nor should you "talk it out." It's obvious what's going on. If you try to discuss it, you'll get the same answers you did ("I wasn't! I was just tightening the table..." etc.).

2. Since it's obvious, you need to issue a direct order to her to not see or talk to this guy again. Do this on the grounds that you are saving the relationship (you actually are) and offer her zero compromise or negotiation power. She was tempted to be disloyal and has shown you disrespect, so she has no say in the manner anymore.

3. You are taking charge here and you're the one keeping who's things together, so don't let her get her word in. If she says her side of the story, let her speak to see how she presents it (for your own information) but if it's really that obvious, then you should make it clear that you don't believe her, you don't intend to talk it out, and the order has already been issued to halt all activities with this person. Don't make an issue out of not believing her because she can use that to make a fork of the original issue at hand. A silent look of disapproval and a reminder of what the deal is will suffice. Don't let her squirm out of it by making the talk about something else. "Don't speak to him ever again" is the single point to focus on and for her to understand. Anything else is off-topic. This needs to be communicated effectively in one, and only one, conversation in a single setting. No reminders.

4. If it stops, carry on as usual. Your relationship was in danger, so you solved the problem. Good work. She will remember that and respect you for it. If she sees you're willing to defend what you have (her) then she will be more loyal to you in the long run. Women will never say it openly, but they want their men to do this. She'll see your willingness to take charge and accept no BS from her (she knows she's in the wrong) as a sign that you care about her (which it actually is).

If it doesn't stop, end the relationship. You've already proven your willingness to defend it to the maximum legal degree you could. By issuing the order on the grounds that you're keeping the relationship together, you basically gave her a referendum on you as a lover and she decided to reject it. So there's nothing left to salvage out of it anymore.

As far as your friend goes, that's a really complex case. I don't know what you should do about it. He did try to betray your 20 year friendship just for an extra girl, so... yeah.

Lesson learned, I'll keep this in mind for my next relationship

 

[vato]

Idk about OP's friend, but getting rid of her shouldn't be the first option. I think the relationship was perfectly salvageable up until OP tried to "talk it out" with her. The internet will always suggest cutting people out of your life forever as the default option for some reason.

She was subtly flirting with another guy. This is a really minor problem and straightforward to resolve. No need to drop a nuclear bomb over it.

Thanks for your input but I can't let that sh*t slide

 

[vato]

This is good advice, however in OPs situation its pretty much irrelevant.

Firm boundaries should be set at the beginning of the relationship. She should already be familiar & acustomed to the no nonsense type of guy, who won't stick around if serious boundaries are violated.

If you have been weak with implementing boundaries from the offset, because you feared losing her, then all of a sudden, some years down the line, you decide to come down hard on her with conditions & boundaries, she will resent you for it, or simply will not take you seriously.

It's unfortunate that not only did OPs Girlfriend treat him with little respect, but to add insult to injury, she managed to dump him too.

That's got to fvcking sting.

OP did your ex display disrespectful behaviour in any other scenarios or incidents, apart from this situation with your snake freind?

Surly there was a pattern developing here.

I was really good at setting the boundaries with her during the first year but somewhere down the line when she started to argue about stuff and I stopped setting boundaries the same way because of my fear of losing her. Now I understand though, never lose the frame and always set boundaries even it means losing her

 

[vato]

I agree that one needs time to heal. I had sex with 2 girls after my ex and I honestly felt really bad spending time with them.
Having sex was ok but what made me feel bad was going out with them and just spending time. I felt so fcking bad and disgusted I can’t describe it.
Being alone is better for me.
right now there is a girl that wants to spend time with me but I can’t even text her back.
All I can do is Setting up dates once every 1-2 weeks and bang her.

If you had an attachment with a girl it’s not easy like some people here say. „ go out and bang hotter“ probably works when you just got dumped by some girl you knew for some weeks/months or it was just superficial af.

we should take our time. That’s not a damn competition about who has more sex than the ex. Detaching means not caring anymore.

Yeah, same for me. I had sex with a bunch of girl when I broke up with my ex and it felt good while f*cking them but it felt wrong before and after. I need time to heal. I'll go out tonight and approach girls, get numbers but I won't try to close

 

[soulforge]

I was really good at setting the boundaries with her during the first year but somewhere down the line when she started to argue about stuff and I stopped setting boundaries the same way because of my fear of losing her. Now I understand though, never lose the frame and always set boundaries even it means losing her

OP no joke.. I will dump a girl who won't agree and accept my boundaries.. Any serious challenging behaviou, I will give her a little benefit of a doubt, if it continues.. I simply walk away. She will either come back, or we will both move the Fvk on, which saves me years of drama and headaches down the line, including the possibility of her cheating.

Never be afraid to walk away, If that bich is getting out of pocket.

Don't feel too down about it bro, that girl likely had intentions to cheat down the line, look at it, as a good thing that you broke up now, than got cheated on down the line.

You will get over it in time, and never take her back if she tries to worm her way back in.

Stay NC, we will support you here on SS

 

[Lauel]

You can't punch loyalty into a person. They are either loyal or they are not.

That hits hard. Thanks.

 

[EyeBRollin]

I only got through the OP and my goodness that is such disrespect. Man should never allow that level of disrespect from his woman. And that guy is no friend. Don’t ever allow people to neg you, let alone in public and in front of your woman.

If someone publicly negged me, my wife would check me on why I’m allowing the disrespect. Respect is everything.

 

[vato]

I only got through the OP and my goodness that is such disrespect. Man should never allow that level of disrespect from his woman. And that guy is no friend. Don’t ever allow people to neg you, let alone in public and in front of your woman.

If someone publicly negged me, my wife would check me on why I’m allowing the disrespect. Respect is everything.

Yeah, I confronted her about the flirting she said apologized and had a get over it attitude. I was cold for a week because I was still angry about the "tight" comment. But she broke up with me 1 week later saying I take her for granted and she doesn't feel appreciated. If that was the case then she would've broken up with me before I confronted her. There was something else going on that I don't know about..

 

[Dr.Suave]

Yeah, I confronted her about the flirting she said apologized and had a get over it attitude. I was cold for a week because I was still angry about the "tight" comment. But she broke up with me 1 week later saying I take her for granted and she doesn't feel appreciated. If that was the case then she would've broken up with me before I confronted her. There was something else going on that I don't know about..

My guess, she was getting mentally ready to f0ck (and/or monkeybranch to) your friend. Might as well break up with you before to feel less guilt and not be technically cheating.

It was a harsh experience but In the end you are all better for cutting not one but a few toxic people out of your life. You will learn a lot from this and become better at vetting/screening.

 

[vato]

My guess, she was getting mentally ready to f0ck (and/or monkeybranch to) your friend. Might as well break up with you before to feel less guilt and not be technically cheating.

It was a harsh experience but In the end you are all better for cutting not one but a few toxic people out of your life. You will learn a lot from this and become better at vetting/screening.

Yeah or monkeybranch to somebody else I don't know about. My friend has two newborns and a GF so the probability is lower there.

 

[vato]

A little update. Doing better. Was out last weekend at a bar and saw her sister, said hi and kept it moving. I knew her sister was watching me at the bar so I scanned for the best lookin chick and approached her and exchanged insta. I know it's petty but it gave me satisfaction because I know she will tell my ex what she saw.

Guess who contacted me the next day? She wanted to see me and work things out. I told her "nope we're done, you crossed the boundary of no return" and that I would never have a child with someone who has flirted with my friend (she was always pushing for marriage).

Moral of the story, no contact and working on yourself works.

 

[Divorced w 3]

A little update. Doing better. Was out last weekend at a bar and saw her sister, said hi and kept it moving. I knew her sister was watching me at the bar so I scanned for the best lookin chick and approached her and exchanged insta. I know it's petty but it gave me satisfaction because I know she will tell my ex what she saw.

Guess who contacted me the next day? She wanted to see me and work things out. I told her "nope we're done, you crossed the boundary of no return" and that I would never have a child with someone who has flirted with my friend (she was always pushing for marriage).

Moral of the story, no contact and working on yourself works.

Does it though? You’re doing and saying things that are in response to her. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t have written her back with such a pithy line and tried to show her up in front of her sister. You literally manufactured the situation so that she would contact you. Don’t bull**** a bull****ter.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Does it though? You’re doing and saying things that are in response to her. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t have written her back with such a pithy line and tried to show her up in front of her sister. You literally manufactured the situation so that she would contact you. Don’t bull**** a bull****ter.

he probably begged her to come back in reality lol

 

[vato]

Does it though? You’re doing and saying things that are in response to her. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t have written her back with such a pithy line and tried to show her up in front of her sister. You literally manufactured the situation so that she would contact you. Don’t bull**** a bull****ter.

I never claimed that I didn't care. It's obvious that I care and I'm not over her 100%. I'm doing better than I was a couple months ago. If you read through the thread then you'll know I have enough leverage to tell her to f*** off.

 

[soulforge]

Bro let me say weldone to you.

Ignore the jokers who are pointing out the obvious, that you still care.. Obviously to some degree you still care, which makes you a man of strength who was able to tell her to get lost, even though you still have some feelings for her.

This is a sign of strength & not weakness.

Weakness would have been allowing her back into your life, which you didn't.

Healing from a break up is different for everyone. Some dudes can get over a girl in a matter of weeks, other dudes it might take a little longer, depending on the chemistry and attachment you had with said girl.

Your on the right path. From what I remember it's a relatively recent break up.

Don't let the chest beating on here, throw you off your path of healing and moving on.

 

[member162951]

Was out last weekend at a bar and saw her sister, said hi and kept it moving. I knew her sister was watching me at the bar so I scanned for the best lookin chick and approached her and exchanged insta.

So what's happening with the IG girl? What's that saying "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"?

I never used to believe that, now I do. To some degree anyway.

It's also important to spend some time alone, introspecting, reflecting, owning our role and learning from mistakes. We ALL make them.

You can do both!
.