Its funny..

[jophil28]

not sure where it went wrong though.. last week it felt 100% normal, my gut only started acting up on wednesday... two days later it was done.

So what is the take home message?

 

[Demodulate]

So what is the take home message?

I am not sure I can answer that question.

I am angry about everything right now.

 

[jophil28]

I am not sure I can answer that question.

I am angry about everything right now.

Oops, sorry . My question was premature..

Hmmm, it is common in situations like your's for the woman to have a 'moving on up' plan all shaped and designed,and nicely in place before she breaks up.
This may or may not involve another guy, but always involves other women "friends" who are hell bent on undermining what you and she had together. Women love drama, and playing a part in it is too tempting to resist to most of them...That girls' weekend was the perfect opportunity for " the committee" to convene.

However women are horrible planners because they have no mind for detail, instead allowing a gush of feelings to lead their decision making process.
Hence her 'plan', whatevr it is, is likely to fall apart because it was poorly conceived, hasty, and inadequately implemented.

The end result of all this is often a sobbing and pleading phone call from her to you some weeks or months later in which she claims to " ..realize I really LOVE you" accompanied by just the right amount of sobbing and sniffling.

You may also hear, "I am so confused ...can we talk ?"

Many a good man has faltered at this stage.

 

[countermart]

How does she treat YOU?

Mate, Remember the basic rule when dealing with girls:

How does she treat YOU?

Do not assume she is correct in her decisions. Girls constantly make wrong decisions.

Also I disagree with the guys that you should always do the dumping. A girl that gets dumped can be a very dangerous thing, and thus it is often better that it is “her” idea. Get it.

Also I disagree that a girl never comes back after doing the dumping. They will sometimes, and I don’t think this is the case with you, cut and run to see if you will go after them.

There is a quote from a woman that goes something like, “I am inclined to run from you, but if you didn’t come after me I would die.”

In the end however, she treated you badly so game over and now there are 3billion other girls less one to determine if they are up to your standard and treat you well enough.

Good luck,
Countermart.

 

[L B]

The lesson of the day is to always visit this site whether you're in a comfortable long term relationship or playing the field. Don't get rusty and don't get comfortable.

You've slipped up, should have seen this coming a long time ago, especially dating her for 6 months. Welcome back. You should browse the DJ Bible for a refresher.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

What I find most interesting in all this is the instinctual perception that something was off balance when she returned from her trip. I think our subconscious picks up on verbal/visual cues and shifts in attitude instinctively. It's like our hind-brain registers these incongruencies and we get suspicious, or we feel like something is just not quite right, but we ignore it or rationalize it away instead of acknowledging it and acting upon it. This perception proved true for DEMOD.

There are some SS members who'll question a policy of NEXTing as a matter of course. They think it's too hasty and it's throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but this happens too often and too reliably to ignore. Most guys don't want to die on that hill. They want to keep a steady supply of pussie coming their way, even to the ignoring of that suspicion instinct. I would consider it better to NEXT a woman and have her qualify herself back into a man's frame than to continue on ignoring that instinct. I think this should be the default action, because in both the instances where it may or may not be well founded, in doing so you still place yourself into frame ownership. There is no better DHV than to dump a woman.

 

[Colossus]

If you want to "fix" the relationship, you have to dump her now and then start dating other women. That's the only way to get her interest level back up.

The reason doing this is so uncomfortable is because it violates the foundation of "trust" in a relationship--our instincts when things go sour is to preserve the relationship and "fix" things through communication, instead of initiating a break to shock their interest level back to life.

Thing is, she's already violated your trust by withdrawing her affection, so in all likelihood, there are issues that would eventually come between you two anyway (unless you've let yourself slip into AFC ways). Some girls just aren't marriage material.

But, if you want to keep her, you have to dump her now. Be honest and say that you feel like she's not making any effort in the relationship, and that you want to part ways out of fairness to both of you. Nothing vindictive, and if she objects, tell her your mind is already made up. Then, go no contact for a week and watch the apologies roll in.

^^Cosign.

When women get together they have the ability to poison each other's minds. I've seen it happen, it's happened to pas gfs, I know when it HAS happened. If things were otherwise going along smoothly, and she goes off for a girl's weekend and comes back distant, one of two things has happened: she fooled around on you, or her friends got in her head.

Remember the cardinal rule of sosuave: Actions do not lie.

 

[Kailex]

I would consider it better to NEXT a woman and have her qualify herself back into a man's frame than to continue on ignoring that instinct. I think this should be the default action, because in both the instances where it may or may not be well founded, in doing so you still place yourself into frame ownership. There is no better DHV than to dump a woman.

And I bet thousand times over 1000 that had he taken the message I posted that morning and REALLY gone through with it rather than asking her what was going on...

Had he just said: Hey, I don't think this is going to work out.

...he wouldn't be saying that "he needs a drink".

Incredible how making a statement .vs. asking her what's going on can mean a world of difference in one man's life.

Demodulate has been a great sport about it, but he's also Exhibit A as to why WE should act on "guts" and "instinct" rather than to let things happen. It makes a world of a difference now to try to recover and put together the pieces of a broken relationship rather than to hold his head up high saying that HE dumped HER. Some people say it doesn't make a difference who dumps who, but it really does.

Ask any guy who has ever been dumped before if they had the chance to go back in time and change the fact that they were dumped in order to strike preemptively... would they take it?

I'm sure almost everyone would say "Yes" but we also have to remember that these are the experiences that help us learn.

I'm sure Demodulate will snap out of it soon enough and realize that his "want list" might remain intact but that in reality, the version of her that he saw filling out this list, might have been a fake version of her and not the TRUE her. Hopefully, DEMOD, you find out sooner than later. You need to snap out of this and NOW.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

To the O.P. Sorry to hear about what happened to you. BUT there are ALOT more women out there who will meet your checklist of good attributes. Force yourself to meet them, and CUT ALL CONTACT with the Ex. No calls, texting, emails etc. Don't even read, listen to voicemail let alone pick up if she decides to "see how you are doing". Let HER wonder if she made the right decision.

I had an ex I dated for a little over a year. She got mad at me once for nothing and lied about it. Slapped me in the face because she couldn't get me angry (came from an abusive relationship) I told her that was the first...and last time that would EVER happen. A year later she went off on some nonsense and started swinging at me like a lunatic. I dropped her off at her home and NEVER talked to her again. No phone calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing. she sent me two emails shortly after to which I didn't open and just deleted entirely.

A year later she was married with a kid. (which means 4 months after me she was pregnant). I found that out through my dad. I thanked God I wasn't the one who ended up with her.

My brothers and I do got a laugh when they told me "You got b!tch slapped like a 'son'. I thought it was hilarious!

Just think of it this way: You never know what better person is out there for you if you were to stay with the one who's obviously not the one for you.

I'm not Mr. Religion, but I do believe God looks out for us in way's when we aren't strong enough to do what we should do sometimes. Consider it a gift she gave you.

And DO NOT reply to anything she sends. Let her go crazy re-thinking about what she did and let her ego take the hit. You'll prove to her that YOU don't NEED her.

 

[IronStar]

Sorry to read about your relationship heading south like it did, Demodulate.

What I find most interesting in all this is the instinctual perception that something was off balance when she returned from her trip. I think our subconscious picks up on verbal/visual cues and shifts in attitude instinctively. It's like our hind-brain registers these incongruencies and we get suspicious, or we feel like something is just not quite right, but we ignore it or rationalize it away instead of acknowledging it and acting upon it.

QFT.

I've read & heard about 'womens intution' over the years but everyone has it. You shouldnt trust your gut blindly, but goddam if something is telling you inside that something is 'off', you'd better be paying close attention. Its better to be wrong sometimes & take it on the chin, than ignore it when it really counts & you end up suffering needlessly.

There isnt much I wouldnt give to go back a few years & tell myself this. It wouldnt have changed the outcome (messy divorce) but I'd have stood a fighting chance to get prepared & steel myself for what was inevitably to come :cuss:

 

[Demodulate]

I thank everyone for their insight and replies, at this point I am pretty much steeling up my feelings, reconnecting with as many people as I can, and working on taking off those 10lbs I put on over the months..

I am an expert at no contact, and I can only hope my silence is deafening as I put myself back together.

I think the biggest lesson I have learned through all this is that you must always be a challenge.. I ended up really falling for this girl and started saying OK to everything.. she didnt have to work at all to keep me.. I was hers..

everything else that happened is a side effect of me wanting to keep her, placating myself to her.

So guys, if you find yourself saying yes to everything she wants, going shopping with her, falling into a routine.. do yourself a favor and re read some of the stuff on being a challenge..

then you will never have to worry about your gut sensing something wrong, because she will be chasing you..

 

[squirrels]

I thank everyone for their insight and replies, at this point I am pretty much steeling up my feelings, reconnecting with as many people as I can, and working on taking off those 10lbs I put on over the months..

That is kind of telling right there.

Over the 6 months you've been dating this girl, you've put on 10#. That's not really a lot, but it sounds like it's more than you wanted to put on.

In other words, you fell for the cardinal trap...thinking that once you had a commitment from a girl that it was BINDING and you could do whatever you want to do.

Here's the thing that most "Juans" don't realize. They truly believe that the "game" only applies up until you can "trap" the girl in a relationship of some kind, then once she invests herself, you can pretty much go back to chump-mode without worrying about losing her.

The relationship agreement is made under the terms of the CURRENT situation. If you are Don Juan and make some girl your wife/girlfriend, then turn into Charlie Chump, she's going to turn around and say, "You aren't the man I fell in love with". And she would be right. This, in effect, nullifies the "relationship contract".

You then have, "Girls Night Out", which is a recent phenomenon that will put any shakey relationship to the test.

I'm not even suggesting she hooked up with another guy while out. What DID happen, though, at the very least, is she got a taste of what it's like to be "in the mix" again, and the excitement of it made coming back to you feel like something of a let-down.

I'm honestly NOT the biggest fan of the traditional "relationship" structure. I think a lot of people do it just because it seems like the right thing to do and for most people, it's something of a waste.

Going out and clubbing or barhopping and drinking is the last REAL social outlet we have in modern society. With everything becoming digitized and everyone using Facebook and SMS to keep in touch, human beings are deprived of real physical social stimulus, deprived of opportunities to socialize at a high energy level. You can argue that we're "civilized" enough to overcome this and deny ourselves this experience through pure will-power, but human beings crave the kinesthetic, the exciting, the dramatic. You can force yourself to "play straight", but it will be to your own despair.

The traditional "relationship" cuts that off for a lot of people...and even now it suffers a negative stigma. People who are into the "bar scene" are usually classified as d-bags, with the girls being called "slvt" or "wh0re" JUST by virtue of being out in a place like that.

Was your relationship falling into a boring routine? Were you going to the same places, doing the same things all the time? Maybe staying in way too often to watch Gray's Anatomy instead of getting out and enjoying yourselves, instead of enjoying each other's company in a more high-energy way?

Seriously...every time my "coupled" friends want us to all get together on a weekend, I always suggest a more high-energy venue...let's go out to eat at a local bar instead of staying in and rotting on the couch.

I think the world is in denial about their own sexuality and about their own need for social kinesthetics and social energy. If people were more in touch with that, I think we would see a lot less "relationship problems" in the world.

We'd also see a lot fewer "relationships". But that's a topic for another thread.

 

[Demodulate]

Was your relationship falling into a boring routine? Were you going to the same places, doing the same things all the time? Maybe staying in way too often to watch Gray's Anatomy instead of getting out and enjoying yourselves, instead of enjoying each other's company in a more high-energy way?

yep..

boring routine..

 

[ChumpNoMore]

^^Cosign.

When women get together they have the ability to poison each other's minds. I've seen it happen, it's happened to pas gfs, I know when it HAS happened. If things were otherwise going along smoothly, and she goes off for a girl's weekend and comes back distant, one of two things has happened: she fooled around on you, or her friends got in her head.

Remember the cardinal rule of sosuave: Actions do not lie.

This is so extremely true. Especially if the other women are low quality sluts who can't attract or keep a quality man; out of jealousy, subtle or explicit, they will do all they can to underhandedly sabotage the relationship of one with the LTR and quality man.

 

[squirrels]

This is so extremely true. Especially if the other women are low quality sluts who can't attract or keep a quality man; out of jealousy, subtle or explicit, they will do all they can to underhandedly sabotage the relationship of one with the LTR and quality man.

That's a bit harsh, but it's sort of true.

Women are very sensitive to frame shifts of their friends. A married woman among single women or a single girl among "committed" friends is a disharmony. They will either go out of their way to match state with the outlier or will try to change her state, largely dependent on social situation and relative strength of "frame".

Look at a group of single girls...all of a sudden one gets a serious BF...likely ALL of the girls suddenly seek to couple...or they start telling her that the guy is no good for her.

I always found it interesting that a bunch of women living together will eventually synchronize their menstrual cycles. Gives you an idea of how natively embedded that instinct to be "in-sync" with peers is.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

Kitty Kats Kompete.

 

[Warrior74]

That's a bit harsh, but it's sort of true.

Women are very sensitive to frame shifts of their friends. A married woman among single women or a single girl among "committed" friends is a disharmony. They will either go out of their way to match state with the outlier or will try to change her state, largely dependent on social situation and relative strength of "frame".

Its not disharmony, its the pecking order.

1st place, married to an alpha
2nd place, married
3rd place, engaged
4th place LTR
5th steady boyfriend
6th place dating
7th place painfully single

if you put a 1st placer in a group of 7th placers they will have nothing good to say. If you reverse it, the 7th placer among first will feel inadequate and will soon try to up her place. If your women has friends that are not on her level expect waves.

Its like hanging out with millionaires on a personal level, when you make 30k a year. How can you feel comfortable? Either you keep hang out with them and try to step up to their level or you sink back to your own. Very few people are strong enough to maintain their own frame in these situations.

I used to hang with a rich Arab from Dubai who was in my small town and he hung out with all of the movers in my city, of all of my friends I was the only one who would go out with the guy because hey, like Jay-Z said, what he eats don't make me sh1t. We were cool. but the rest of my friends couldn't stand "those people acting like they are better than us" and would refuse to be around them.

 

[Demodulate]

http://abstrusegoose.com/313