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I need to un**** my life

CaptFinnBad

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After a decade long relationship to a good women. I moved back home.

Now jobless and living with family , I got into a relationship with a women that mangled my brain.

So here I am..... 37.

1. Physically not in the best shape. I'm on the slimmer side (although I do lift quite a lot).

My body is tight. My posture isn't great.

2. I don't have a job. I've been jobless for 3 years. Before that I did a part-time job which I quit after a year and a half.

A number of years of joblessness before that.

I'm an aerospace space engineer originally. Did that for 10 years before company closure and getting made redundant.

In all honesty I got lazy when I was made redundant. I had lots in the bank, got depressed after applying for loads of jobs and gave up.

3. Living with family. This is my easiest fix. I own a nice property outright. I'm currently renting it out because I can't afford to live on my owns and need the cash it brings in.

As soon as I have income, I'll get my house back.


4. I no longer have reliable friends or a social circle. I've been away from this place for 8 years. People have moved on. .
I've tried to reach out and connect. Seems like I need. To build a new social circle.

I fish (so can meet new friends this way), I'm in a dog club, I have a small circle to socialise with there.

5. Women. Despite all the above I'm alright looking and can hold my own socially.

I can do well with women.

My main problem is because my life is currently out of sync I feel like I need to fill it with affection from women.

I have nothing going on and it just feels good when that need gets met.

This flip side this makes me vunrable and I can't take anymore heartbreak.


I need a plan to turn this around.

Not looking for a pitty party . I just need perspective and focus.
 

CaptFinnBad

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Currently I have.

1. Focus on health and self care because of that brakes I will crumble. I really need to learn discipline.

2. I need a job, litrerally any job at this point. I keep toying with the idea of starting a dog walking business.

I suppose at this point I need to do anything!!!

The positive here is because I own property outright. When I move back into my property my cost of living will be really low.

Although it would be nice. I don't need a huge I come to get my life in order and the basics covered.


3. Social circle. Fish and train dogs at my club. Not an exciting social circle but it will be better than nothing now.


4. Women. This one one is tricky. It's truly a double edged sword for me.

I can get women fairly easily (keeping a good one in my chaotic situation is the difficult bit).

Casualty dating and sleeping with women seems like a good option for me. I have needs, I feel lonely and a bit depressed when they are not met.

I don't have much going on. Sleeping with a women or two a few times a month I think would work wonders for me.

As in it puts me in the mindset of action and doing.


On the other side. A relationship is NOT what I need. I'm not in the right headspace to be dealing with a women in a relationship.

It's a road to heartbreak and my head being ****ed.


Options 3. Avoid women all together. Without anything meaningful in my life currently I'm at risk of going dark. Getting really lonely and lose Ng motivation.

Although it could go the other way and allow me to focus on un****ing myself. I suppose it depends on how disciplined I can be (currently not disciplined).
 

CaptFinnBad

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I'm not a socially inept loser. I've just taken the wrong path, and not made the best decisions lately.

I suppose my focus in this order?

1. Health and fitness
2. Money (getting financial sorted )
3. Sex and intimacy
4. Social circle
 

CaptFinnBad

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Take a look at this thread (particularly my comment) for inspiration. Good luck bud
I'm similar too you. I'm an introvert but I can flip into extrovert.

I'm naturally a bit of both.


Job wise I'm not putting emphasis on a job that allows me to be around women. Although having a job that I'm not ashamed of resonates with me.

For me would be literally anything working with my hands (even low paid jobs) or anything to do with dogs.
 

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lost_blackbird

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Options 3. Avoid women all together. Without anything meaningful in my life currently I'm at risk of going dark. Getting really lonely and lose Ng motivation.
Yes, this one. Yes I am lonely but after a lifetime of rejection in general, false friends and failed relationships I've come to the
conclusion that despite the loneliness and lack of drive in general it is better than constantly having my guts ripped out
and my faith in others rewarded by betrayal.
 

Plinco

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I had some similarities to this last year. I was 36, got laid off, was stupid enough to marry a woman that I was not sexually attracted to, lost my entire acquaintance circle, got really sick without health insurance so I lost a good portion of my savings, lost 40 pounds of lean weight, etc.

In 2021 I worked my butt off. Started my own business, got my health routine back and my finances in order, got 15 pounds of lean weight back (mostly water weight though), and things are looking better.

What I can tell you is this: As I'm building my life back, I'm building everything the way I want it to be. My life is now a lot more on my terms than it was back in 2019, even though I had a lot more back then.

Now that you are starting from scratch again, you can build a life that serves you and not what other people want you to be.
 

CaptFinnBad

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Yes, this one. Yes I am lonely but after a lifetime of rejection in general, false friends and failed relationships I've come to the
conclusion that despite the loneliness and lack of drive in general it is better than constantly having my guts ripped out
and my faith in others rewarded by betrayal.

I only mean stay away from women while I try to un**** myself.

Basically I mean a job, back into my house, a routine with my hobbies.

Definitely going to be women in my life either casual or a relationship.

I'm just toying with the idea of staying away for a couple of months. Which I will find almost impossible to do ATM.
 

CaptFinnBad

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I had some similarities to this last year. I was 36, got laid off, was stupid enough to marry a woman that I was not sexually attracted to, lost my entire acquaintance circle, got really sick without health insurance so I lost a good portion of my savings, lost 40 pounds of lean weight, etc.

In 2021 I worked my butt off. Started my own business, got my health routine back and my finances in order, got 15 pounds of lean weight back (mostly water weight though), and things are looking better.

What I can tell you is this: As I'm building my life back, I'm building everything the way I want it to be. My life is now a lot more on my terms than it was back in 2019, even though I had a lot more back then.

Now that you are starting from scratch again, you can build a life that serves you and not what other people want you to be.

That's great. Yeah I'm actually excited about this. It's definitely the direction I want to go.

I'm just having trouble getting off the blocks. I'm eager but there is something mental that's preventing me taking action.

Realistically I could un**** myself by doing something as simple as doing deliveries for uber eats, taking a ****ty part time retail job, starting a dog walking business and doing a couple of group walks a day.

What I have going for me is a really low cost of living. I will have to pay for basic utilities, food and that's it.


So any stable source of income will lead to my house back. Obviously not something I'd want to do forever but it's a start.

With an income and my independence / my house. I think everything would fall into line.


Obviously the dead end income/job won't be ideal but it would be an immediate fix. Then focus on a career down the line.
 

Plinco

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That's great. Yeah I'm actually excited about this. It's definitely the direction I want to go.

I'm just having trouble getting off the blocks. I'm eager but there is something mental that's preventing me taking action.
Sometimes the hard part is getting started. Get started and you will finish.

Realistically I could un**** myself by doing something as simple as doing deliveries for uber eats, taking a ****ty part time retail job, starting a dog walking business and doing a couple of group walks a day.

What I have going for me is a really low cost of living. I will have to pay for basic utilities, food and that's it.


So any stable source of income will lead to my house back. Obviously not something I'd want to do forever but it's a start.

With an income and my independence / my house. I think everything would fall into line.


Obviously the dead end income/job won't be ideal but it would be an immediate fix. Then focus on a career down the line.
Have you thought about starting your own business?
 

CaptFinnBad

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Sometimes the hard part is getting started. Get started and you will finish.



Have you thought about starting your own business?

I have thought about it. I don't know where I would start ? Or what I would do


I've toyed with the idea of a dog walking business. Although I couldn't see me doing that for the rest of my life.
 

Velasco

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Although I couldn't see me doing that for the rest of my life
This is another factor I took into consideration for the career I wanted to pursue. Sure starting a career at 29 looks bad when compared to 21 year olds starting their careers (can be a source of insecurity), but 20+ years doing that same career for instance, my case I'd be 49 (you 57), will it matter then that I started late? Absolutely not.
 

LucianoM

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Some men were born to be losers. Some winners. Thats the way it is.

The fact that you let yourself be jobless for 3 years doesnt bode well for you.
 

Barrister

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You were an aerospace engineer. In another words, highly educated. If you did this for 10 years you would be very qualified for a variety of good jobs I would think. Why have you been jobless for 3 years (and other periods of joblessness)? This sounds like it is almost all psychological (not just “lazy” as you call it).

Considering the breakup you just had, this could be a watershed moment in your life if YOU want it to be. You have to have that desire though and start making things happen. Becoming employed is number one - that has to happen. I would focus on nothing else until you have prospects outside of getting your a$$ in the gym. That’s it. Once you have some money, if you still feel down, maybe consider talking to someone professionally one on one.

Sounds like your parents are enablers as well reading between the lines. You need to get yourself away from them.
 

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Plinco

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Some men were born to be losers. Some winners. Thats the way it is.

The fact that you let yourself be jobless for 3 years doesnt bode well for you.
While I agree that being jobless for three years doesn't look good in the professional job market (a deal breaker for large corporations), people are not born winners or losers; setting yourself up to be a winner or loser is a choice you make in the long run.

If I was born to be a winner or loser, then what's the point of me taking any responsibility? It's because I am responsible for my successes or failures that's implied that I have a choice.
 

Plinco

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You were an aerospace engineer. In another words, highly educated. If you did this for 10 years you would be very qualified for a variety of good jobs I would think. Why have you been jobless for 3 years (and other periods of joblessness)? This sounds like it is almost all psychological (not just “lazy” as you call it).
The problem there is that he is going to have a heck of a time getting a good job now. The vast majority of employers will have nothing to do with him when they see that three year gap.
 

CaptFinnBad

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Some men were born to be losers. Some winners. Thats the way it is.

The fact that you let yourself be jobless for 3 years doesnt bode well for you.
Had a few people project their insecurities on me like this.
 
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Velasco

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That's why I suggest he go back to school and get a degree in something involving working with his hands (community college. Not university). Really think about something he sees himself doing long term and is not embarrased of. Seems like whatever he was doing before ain't it

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”
 

CaptFinnBad

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The problem there is that he is going to have a heck of a time getting a good job now. The vast majority of employers will have nothing to do with him when they see that three year gap.
Especially in my industry. I could go to Saudi Arabia. I have contacts there. I know I can earn huge amounts tax free there.

Not a life I want to life though. In my country I've been outside the industry for too long.

Need something different for sure.
 
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