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allergictobs

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Do you feel rather insignificant in larger group situations?
It depends on the nature of the situation. I'm quite often talking to large groups at work, and in those situations of course I don't, quite the opposite. In purely social group activities (without an agenda), most often yes.
 

BeExcellent

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It depends on the nature of the situation. I'm quite often talking to large groups at work, and in those situations of course I don't, quite the opposite. In purely social group activities (without an agenda), most often yes.
Right. And this screws up your vibe before you get started. This is an attitude issue. So THAT is where you must begin.
 

BeExcellent

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You’ve no issue with escorts because you are process driven. With an escort there is a known outcome.

Never mind the money spent etc. You already know the outcome because it is defined and therefore within your control.

Social interactions cannot have a known outcome. You don’t like feeling as though you are wasting your time on such things that may go nowhere and feel frivolous while taking up your valuable time.

You are a control freak (and I mean this in a matter-of-fact/pointing it out sort of way).

THAT is the root cause of what you are experiencing.
 

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allergictobs

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Right. And this screws up your vibe before you get started. This is an attitude issue. So THAT is where you must begin.
I kind of agree, but on the other hand, aren't like 50% of people like me in this regard?

I have many friends who have a similar personality (introverted, and evidently they don't like large group settings either). None of them seem to have had trouble finding women. Most of them are married to really high-quality women. And since you are going to ask, to my knowledge, all of them have met their spouses either through friends or at work. This would seem to imply that an introvert just has to use different venues for dating (friends and workplace are common).
 

BeExcellent

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I kind of agree, but on the other hand, aren't like 50% of people like me in this regard?

I have many friends who have a similar personality (introverted, and evidently they don't like large group settings either). None of them seem to have had trouble finding women. Most of them are married to really high-quality women. And since you are going to ask, to my knowledge, all of them have met their spouses either through friends or at work. This would seem to imply that an introvert just has to use different venues for dating (friends and workplace are common).
Ok. Look at the title of your thread. I’m in research myself and so understand that angle. You ask why aren’t women showing up after you’ve crafted yourself into a successful guy...

Because of your vibe.

You weren’t asking the correct question.
 

BeExcellent

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The correct question is how do you create the right vibe...

And the answer is going to pull you right out of your comfort zone and introversion and process driven existence and make you Hella uncomfortable...

You are smart as hell. You already know this. But it’s not what you want to hear because it’s not easy for you to solve.

Growth, real growth is never easy. You correct your attitude and therefore your vibe and you’ll completely change your results.

Now go reread the last part of my first post in your thread. The solution is sitting there.

Go do it.

Cheers
 

allergictobs

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The correct question is how do you create the right vibe...

And the answer is going to pull you right out of your comfort zone and introversion and process driven existence and make you Hella uncomfortable...

You are smart as hell. You already know this. But it’s not what you want to hear because it’s not easy for you to solve.

Growth, real growth is never easy. You correct your attitude and therefore your vibe and you’ll completely change your results.

Now go reread the last part of my first post in your thread. The solution is sitting there.

Go do it.

Cheers
Thanks, you are definitely analyzing my situation correctly.

I've kind of known what the solution would be. What I'm not sure about and what even my first post was circling around - is it going to be worth it? This is where what you posted just a moment ago hits home:

You don’t like feeling as though you are wasting your time on such things that may go nowhere and feel frivolous while taking up your valuable time.

This here, in my view, is absolutely the biggest obstacle I face. I mentioned in some previous post that I view many issues through a cost-benefit analysis. Once I've determined that something is going to be largely a waste of time, I have a really difficult time getting to it.


You see, even if I managed to correct course and meet more women, at the age of 36, with a set of routines and a certain lifestyle, I strongly believe that I'm not going to find much happiness through social interactions with women. You are right about escorts and being process driven - I only value the outcome. Do you think it is possible to change that? Because I think it is a very deep part of someone's personality, probably determined before birth.

Since I don't place much value on social interactions, only on the end result (having sex), am I going to be more happy getting to the outcome directly (banging escorts) or going through all kinds of hoops to get into a relationship with someone I may not even be that into?
 
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BeExcellent

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Thanks, you are definitely analyzing my situation correctly.

I've kind of known what the solution would be. What I'm not sure about and what even my first post was circling around - is it going to be worth it? This is where what you posted just a moment ago hits home:

You don’t like feeling as though you are wasting your time on such things that may go nowhere and feel frivolous while taking up your valuable time.

This here, in my view, is absolutely the biggest obstacle I face. I mentioned in some previous post that I view many issues through a cost-benefit analysis. Once I've determined that something is going to be largely a waste of time, I have a really difficult time getting to it.


You see, even if I managed to correct course and meet more women, at the age of 36, with a set of routines and a certain lifestyle, I strongly believe that I'm not going to find much happiness through social interactions with women. You are right about escorts and being process driven - I only value the outcome. Do you think it is possible to change that? Because I think it is a very deep part of someone's personality, probably determined before birth.

Let me be really straightforward:
Since I don't place much value on social interactions, only on the end result (having sex), the question is, am I going to be more happy getting to the outcome directly (banging escorts) or going through all kinds of hoops to get into a relationship with someone I may not even be that into?

This is a key question. I don't know the answer.
The before birth personality thing is BS. It’s an excuse you are hiding behind. So let’s get that on the table straight away.

You ask is it worth it? It can be.

You compare yourself to other friends who you see settled in relationships to women you categorize as high quality. This suggests to me that observationally you see that what you yourself have never experienced IS possible. It DOES exist. So how come these guys have it, but you do not?

Touchy question to be sure. You have a growth curve to go through in this area. A growth curve with an outcome you cannot be assured of. Utterly annoying. But necessary.

Why not embrace it. The value lies in the journey, not the destination. Surely you have read The Odyssey?

This is why what I’m suggesting you do it. Chill out, let it ride & see what happens. You’re going to feel out of sorts since this is outside your usual competency (and thus you have avoided it to this point).

It doesn’t matter about 50% of other people blah blah blah. I assure that 100% of anyone else CANNOT live your life for you. Therefore nothing matters because nobody is you except you. Look. We all have our own special & unique crap we carry around and pull out and *think* about examining once in a while. That’s what this thread is. We are a safe anonymous group of who knows who on the internet right? We have no bearing on your life and so we are safe. Which is cool.

But to sort your actual life out you will have to do things in your real life that WILL make you uncomfortable. And help you sort this out.
 

HyenaPrince

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The before birth personality thing is BS. It’s an excuse you are hiding behind. So let’s get that on the table straight away.
It's definitely not BS. Your genetics account for up to 50% of your personality. If your brain is wired in a certain way or shows a different thickness or volume, your personality will differ from that of another person. Nature and nurture are both important to our personality and intelligence development. It's definitely essential to raise and educate a human properly. But you can only get a person so far until their genetics start limiting them.
 

BeExcellent

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It's definitely not BS. Your genetics account for up to 50% of your personality. If your brain is wired in a certain way or shows a different thickness or volume, your personality will differ from that of another person. Nature and nurture are both important to our personality and intelligence development. It's definitely essential to raise and educate a human properly. But you can only get a person so far until their genetics start limiting them.
Agree but OP is attributing his social ineptness too much to this. Unless he is full on Aspberger’s or some such. But if that were true he wouldn’t have the question he posed in the first place.

That’s why it’s an excuse.
 

HyenaPrince

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Agree but OP is attributing his social ineptness too much to this. Unless he is full on Aspberger’s or some such. But if that were true he wouldn’t have the question he posed in the first place.

That’s why it’s an excuse.
Fair enough.
 

zekko

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Extreme lifestyle, very much a lone wolf type of guy.
I think this explains your whole problem right here. You're a passionate, driven guy. A lot of PUA types will tell you be passionate, build your life, and women will come out of the woodwork. But life isn't that simple. You're following your own course, but there aren't many women on that course. The simple answer would be to build up your social life. The problem is that it doesn't sound like this is something you actually want, your heart wouldn't be in it. I can understand this, because I've lost a lot of motivation to be social as I've gotten older, I'm a natural introvert. When I was younger I pushed myself because I wanted to build my social skills, but now I really don't care. So you'd have to figure out if it would be worth it to you or not.

Having said that, I kind of like @CAPSLOCK BANDIT's idea about the travel partner, if you have the free time.
 

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stormrider

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Many big city life people have this problem. It’s because people were meant to live in small to medium sized clusters where things are more personable. I guarantee you if the OP was in some SEA town, he’d have a large sphere of influence throughout that town and many women lining up to date him without him having to change his core personality of being a go getter.

Big cities are not conducive to dating. Online dating and night clubs are society’s failed attempt to create chemistry.

You need proximity, shared interests, and mutual attraction for that chemistry thing to cook itself up. This happens so easily in a person’s youth (high school, college) but it disappears after that.

A lot of times you think there is something wrong with you or your ability to find the right person. What if I were to tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you are just a normal person who is yet another victim of city life dating, which is largely a failed experiment?

I’ve put myself into small communities in the past and became George Clooney overnight. Even when I was an alcoholic, Antisocial, unmotivated by life, I was still high status. Yet here are actual high status guys psychoanalyzing themselves ad nauseam when they are perfectly normal people.

You don’t have to conform to city life dating. You don’t even have to date. It’s a made up hobby that doesn’t work. What you have to do is inject yourself into a small community and your status will cause a chain reaction where women pursue you.

That’s how nature drew it up on the chalkboard. But apaprantly humans think they know better.
 

forcerecon01

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I'm 40 going on 41 next month. I'm in the same boat you are but I really don't care. I'm not high status by any means but I get a nice pension from the military,rent an apartment and have my own car. I don't have to work for anybody. As stormrider put it women aren't **** and thats the truth. I say travel abroad and see life outside of your bubble. You will find that there is nothing wrong at all with you , just your environment bs. Why date women most want sex right away even. Invite the woman to your house and escalate towards sex most women will fu*ck you right there. As I said I think you need to travel more go to France, Thailand, other places geared towards real romance.
 

fastlife

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Then how do "netflix and chill" invitations happen?
When "netflix and chill" was still a thing in 2012/2013, it was a socially savvy euphemism and Tinder was a hookup app--so you have girls who are self-selected for being horny choosing guys based mostly off of looks and the whole experience was novel and trendy. But even then, it was a low-probability opener. You'd still need to vibe and joke for at least a few messages before tossing that out there. Now, it's more of a meme and I wouldn't use it unless I was trying to be ironic or over-the-top cheesy player.

Girls are down for hookups, but they need to be attracted to you first and not feel like you're just using them for sex. And if you're a 36 y/o guy trying to game girls in their 20s, even if they're attracted to you, you're going to need a little more rapport since you're probably not who she pictures when she closes her eyes when she goes to sleep at night and there's more risk of her being judged by her peers. You also have to be able to disqualify yourself as a provider--but that looks less like, "I just want to fvck you and never take you out" and more like "I don't know, I'm a free spirit and I just feel trapped in relationships and I don't want to promise anything I can't deliver." Same message but very different delivery. For reference see James Franco getting put on blast by some very basic looking chick for failing to nail the delivery lol.
 

samspade

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You also have to be able to disqualify yourself as a provider--but that looks less like, "I just want to fvck you and never take you out" and more like "I don't know, I'm a free spirit and I just feel trapped in relationships and I don't want to promise anything I can't deliver."
Terrific paradigm shift. And for me, it's closer to the truth anyway.
 
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