How to handle this type of response...

[Sega Genesis]

I still can't get behind the idea that she could be interested when she hasn't said one word to me in 10 days.

Ok but you haven't said one word to her either and she was the one who sent the last text. Just sayin... it goes both ways.

Be honest, were you expecting/needing her to chase you? Is that what you've been conditioned to expect from interested girls? Cause not all women who are interested will chase.

Women who are dating seriously are looking for a high-value man who chooses them, not an insecure man they have to double text or chase so he feels secure enough to lock down a definitive date. Or who reads negativity in everything she says and does.

You gotta remember these early stages (and here before even having one date) can be quite precarious, both people are cautious and nervous.

Things can change on a dime. Mixed signals, a missed connection.

Do you still like her?

 

[Smartone84]

Ok but you haven't said one word to her either and she was the one who sent the last text. Just sayin... it goes both ways.

Be honest, were you expecting/needing her to chase you? Is that what you've been conditioned to expect from interested girls? Cause not all women who are interested will chase.

Women who are dating seriously are looking for a high-value man who chooses them, not an insecure man they have to double text or chase so he feels secure enough to lock down a definitive date.

Women who chase men are typically those who are already very physically attracted, emotionally hooked, or have low self-worth. A normal, healthy woman with options won't. Even when highly interested.

You gotta remember these early stages (and here before even having one date) can be quite precarious, both people are cautious and nervous.

Things can change on a dime. Mixed signals, a missed connection.

Do you still like her?

You keep talking about double texting like it's almost not allowed. It's not like she said "Ok we'll talk next week". You have to look at the details of what happened.

1-That last text exchange was her basically telling me she's not going on a date with me followed by her saying "Maybe next week?". Not let's do next week. Not we'll pick a day next week. Maybe next week.
2- I then responded saying "Next week works". At that point if she were truly into it she'd mention a possible day right then and there or if she really is strange about never ever asking a guy out, at the very least she'd throw me a text over the next few days to build some momentum back up. But she wrote back "Ok perfect!". That could absolutely easily just be her being overly nice with no real plan.

You also talk about missed signals and missed connections. There was nothing "missed" imo. I did what I was supposed to do as a man. I asked her out on a date, she acted iffy from the start, technically ignored me on two occasions while discussing said date, eventually said she couldn't go, said "maybe next week?", I told her yes that works, and she never gave me anything else. I was never asking her to chase me, but a single text or anything showing me she still has some form of interest would have been all I needed. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and all I had to do was tell her to let me know when she has a free day that works but it's too late now.

Yes I still like her but I'm not about to develop a case of Oneitis over a woman who has shown me little to no enthusiasm after being asked out.

 

[Sega Genesis]

OK I'm not gonna argue with you about it, I get it.

You felt rejected because she had birthday plans and asked to reschedule in a way that left you feeling like her interest was low.

And yeah I agree she definitely could have phrased it better than saying "maybe next week"? Like the examples you gave.

Your feelings are valid.

However she did "heart" your message and enthusiastically replied "ok perfect"! which imo (as a woman) a low interest woman would not have done.

Again just my read but she wanted/needed you to lead. In this case that would have meant responding to her "heart" and enthusiastic "okay perfect!" message by asking her what days worked best and locking down a definitive date.

Instead you expected her to lead by following up and providing dates. And locking something down.

Different needs. Different expectations.

That's all this was. Not a match.

All the best moving forward.

 

[Smartone84]

she wanted/needed you to lead

I already did lead. I picked a place
I asked her out.
I suggested a time.

However she did "heart" your message and enthusiastically replied "ok perfect"! which imo (as a woman) a low interest woman would not have done.

She did. I know she didn't have to do that. But idk. If it actually meant interest, most men would agree that I would have seen a day suggested right after that, or some sort of follow up soon after. You sort of disagree and thats fine. Its a stretch to think that she completely goes with the game plan of I never ever ever make a move, even after I rejected the guys first move.

You also can't just look at that one exchange. You have to look at everything else I explained (i.e. her lack of enthusiasm before this, her ignoring multiple texts of mine during this when the date was referenced, etc) Either way, 10 days is too late to simply go back in and ask her for this week? Any suggestions on how to go back in and test the waters so to speak?

 

[Sega Genesis]

her ignoring multiple texts of mine

^^I don't think she was intentionally ignoring.

She may have been busy and probably didn't realize what a huge deal it was that she immediately respond. I think your anxiety got the best of you re that.

Again just my read and fairly common. I know women who have written off guys who waited a few days to respond to texts as well. Anxiety can be a killer!

Either way, 10 days is too late to simply go back in and ask her for this week? Any suggestions on how to go back in and test the waters so to speak?

I agree 10 days may be too late, the momentum has died. Gotta strike while the iron is hot as they say.

I'm not sure what you can do at this point (without making up some elaborate story which I don't recommend). She has most likely moved on from the whole thing by now anyway.

But perhaps something low key like "it's been awhile, you still up for grabbing dinner? How about Wednesday"?

Her response all depends on how into you she was in the first place.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Or just let it go and learn from the experience.

 

[Sega Genesis]

I already did lead. I picked a place
I asked her out.
I suggested a time.

I just saw this^ and then I'm out cause I don't think we will ever be on the same page about this.

You cant just lead once and then switch and start expecting her to lead. You continue leading throughout.

Which again wouid have meant responding to her "okay perfect"! message and locking something down. Versus expecting HER to.

Switching roles is how things often become so confusing and crazy!

Keep it consistent and things like this won't happen. And stop allowing your anxiety and insecurity to steer your ship.

There are never any guarantees, ever. Shoot your shot, keep it consistent and let chips fall where they may.

 

[Clockwerk50]

These are good points and they are points I took some time (probably too much time) to think about, but ultimately I made the decision not to follow up with asking her out again.

I appreciate everyone’s two cents but there’s also a good amount of context I left out that played into my decision. For example after I initially asked her out and wrote back a time for the date (this text was around 6pm in the evening the text was sent), she *ignored* it until the next morning when she hearted it and then changed the topic completely into something else.

Then in that very brief convo I went back to a comment about us likely going out the following week, and she never responded. The next time I heard from her was five days later when she said she couldn’t go. Overall it was just a big lack of enthusiasm I felt from the start with her saying “what time?” as a response to me asking her out not to mention immediately follows up with the text of her telling me she had to confirm with a friend on what night they will have plans.. gimme a break is what I felt right then and there tbh

Lastly, yes she wrote “so maybe next week?” as a question not a statement but I still have to side with @BackInTheGame78 on that when a woman says maybe, it’s just hard to take it as anything other than low interest if not a soft no. After waiting five whole days for her to “confirm” or not with me, i felt it in my gut in that it was low interest and if I had wrote back asking which day works for you, I can almost guarantee she would have given me another “i’ll get back to you” type of response.

In any event, I told her yes, next week works. I didn’t say maybe or we’ll see. I said next week works. Then 10 days went by and I never heard another word from her. A woman who was interested who saw a guy wanting to take her out does not let 10 days go by without a single word, a single text. She also doesn’t leave a guy frustrated and confused by her behavior. She makes it easy for him, at least in my experience.

Now of course some people can make the argument about how I should have went back to her, but given what had played out previously I had to draw the line at some point and I feel my gut and intuition was right.


Well, after me saying next week works I did go silent and never heard from her since so clearly it was real low interest

The important lesson is congruency. You trusted your gut, made a decision aligned with your standards, and stood by it. There are dozens, if not hundreds, if not thousands of different actions you could’ve taken in any situation, but what matters is choosing the one you’re most confident in and owning it.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I think the goose is cooked, over cooked really, on this one....BUT.

There were things that OP could have done differently/better to sort this out sooner. You initiated and asked her out @Smartone84 so that is cool.....but you let too much time pass between the asking and the date. That is practical mistake 1.

Always create a sense of urgency (and yes the 'Rules' say always turn down a man who waits until after Wednesday to ask a girl out for Saturday).....but you can do something more low key on the fly. Grab a glass of wine at a happy hour tomorrow night, grab a coffee tomorrow morning, come check out this band at such and so venue day after tomorrow....don't let grass grow.

My husband used to call me up and say "Hey, I'm hungry....there's a cool Indian place near my work. Wanna meet me there at 5:30?"

Many of our early dates were like that.

Back to OP: After she flaked to hang out with others and said "Maybe next week?" you needed to nail down an actual day right then. Instead you said "Next week works"...... that is the verbal equivalent of a flea-flicker football play my friend. And so she saw it, ignored it, and blew you off until saying "OK Perfect" with heart emoji the next day.

You refused to lead (a good response would have been "I've only got Monday or Wednesday next week. How's Monday at 6pm? I'll text you the venue Monday morning.") See how that nails it down, takes away weekend dates and requires her to shjt or get off the pot faster....thereby saving you time & effort?

She flaked for the weekend (no more weekend time wasting). You pitch her a weekday, and you do that to get a more accurate read on her interest level.

But you didn't do that. You expected her to change into the leader when you flea-flicked the leadership role back to her with "Next week works"...... That is a meaningless nothing burger answer. It does not help you one iota. So she sent you a flowery response of nothingness to your nothing burger meaningless message, and voila, no date for you.

C'mon y'all. Grab your balls and make concrete plans. Without having made concrete plans this falls to OP for lack of leadership and follow through. You're the dude. Lead. Keep leading. That is your job.

Unless you want a ball busting boss bytch. That is the type these guys are actively selecting for. Sheesh.

 

[Smartone84]

But you didn't do that. You expected her to change into the leader when you flea-flicked the leadership role back to her with "Next week works"...... That is a meaningless nothing burger answer. It does not help you one iota. So she sent you a flowery response of nothingness to your nothing burger meaningless message, and voila, no date for you.

It wasn't this cut and dry and I'm sorry but I believe you are way off and also got most of the story mixed up and misunderstood. I won't go through where your inaccuracies were but I will explain my side of things for you to understand:

I had good reason not to put her on the spot about picking a day or picking a day myself as by the time she turned me down for our date, I already knew in my gut something was off.

1- Weeks earlier she was texting me telling me all about how she wanted to go to this bar I had mentioned (I started the convo, but she then went on about how she loved this bar and wanted to check it out). Never however did she say "we" or "I'd love to go with you". Just conversation about the bar itself. But still, at one point I responded saying "Well the offer is on the table". This was the first time in four years of our sporadic random type of otherwise friendly relationship where we saw each other maybe 10 times total in those years that there was reference of the two of us actually going out. She then gave no response. No sign of excitement. No sign of enthusiasm. Not even a "Like" of that text. Felt like low interest.

2- After I actually asked her out about a week later after the iron was hot from a flirty interaction in person from her, she asked "what time?" followed by telling me she has to "confirm" with a friend first about some birthday night. I wrote "7:30 if that works. We may as well get a sunset out of it"(rooftop bar). She then gave no response. That's not excitement. Thats not enthusiasm. Just signs of low interest. 12 hours later the *next morning* she then hearts that response and then immediately changed the subject to talk about something generic.

3- A few texts later I briefly mentioned our potential night out for drinks in an innocent and humorous manner. She then did not respond. Again. No sign of excitement. No sign of enthusiasm. If you're keeping track this was now technically the third time when the conversation abruptly stopped after I referenced going out with her. Low. Interest.

4- Then FIVE DAYS went by and I sat like a duck wondering what was going on and given that my time is valuable, I was a little annoyed. Finally she wrote back and told me she couldn't go. No suggestion of another day. No telling me that she definitely wants to go next week. Just, "so maybe next week?". Thats low interest. At that point I felt in no way compelled to chime back in talking about a specific day for next week. As far as I was concerned, at that point the ball was in her court. So yes I simply wrote next week works and yes she wrote back "Ok perfect!", in my opinion a likely friendly/warm type of response so things aren't left too cold considering we have very close mutual friends. I had almost no doubt in my gut that if I went back in asking for a specific day that I would get another run around type of response from this low interest woman who was clearly mostly about seeking some attention and dopamine hits.

Yes I could have asked her for a date that was scheduled to happen sooner and yes other things could have been done differently, but in my experience, if a woman is interested, none of that matters. She'll be on that date. She'll make things easy for you. No she won't be head over heels in love with me from the start, but she makes the time and understands my time is valuable as well.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Understand the nuanced difference between "No more!" and "One more."

"No more" is a good decision if you're stuck on what else you should try to say or do to see if she "likes" you. *EDIT* I mean, if it's been FOUR YEARS and you're still figuring out how to ask a lady (a specific lady at that) out, she likely is wondering "why is he just now interested?" *END OF EDIT* You should KNOW. And if you don't, she probably doesn't and you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "No more!"

On the other hand, which is really the half dozen as opposed to the 6 in your other hand, if you are focusing on this one while you notice a severe LACK of other women looking at you or trying to talk to you, you should look yourself in the mirror and say "One more?"

 

[Smartone84]

Understand the nuanced difference between "No more!" and "One more."

*EDIT* I mean, if it's been FOUR YEARS and you're still figuring out how to ask a lady (a specific lady at that) out, she likely is wondering "why is he just now interested?"

Not trying to figure out anything and trust me, she wasn't wondering anything like that. She was a random cute woman in a friends group who never showed any signs of interest in me whatsoever and I never showed much in her aside from typical friendly guy to girl behavior. She was also dating someone for two of those years and we saw each other maybe 10 times total in said four years fyi.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Yes she wrote that, and that’s where it ended.

because you ghosted her!

 

[Divorced w 3]

C'mon y'all. Grab your balls and make concrete plans. Without having made concrete plans this falls to OP for lack of leadership and follow through. You're the dude. Lead. Keep leading. That is your job.

Unless you want a ball busting boss bytch. That is the type these guys are actively selecting for. Sheesh.

This is exactly what happened. Insecurities lead to over thinking. Unreasonably bruised ego said ‘Let her figure out the plans! she can come make it up to me!’ However, secure people realize that given the circumstances, it’s normal, considerate and an IOI for someone to agree for time the following week.

OP is acting like she blew him off when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The opposite is true, he ghosted her, and now the next time they see each other he has to explain that. Good luck.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is exactly what happened. Insecurities lead to over thinking. Unreasonably bruised ego said ‘Let her figure out the plans! she can come make it up to me!’ However, secure people realize that given the circumstances, it’s normal, considerate and an IOI for someone to agree for time the following week.

OP is acting like she blew him off when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The opposite is true, he ghosted her, and now the next time they see each other he has to explain that. Good luck.

What's there to explain? This woman was not interested.

She was all talk and no action, which is exactly how disinterested women who are playing games act...I've had several of those myself. They lead you to the cliff and then watch to see if you jump and then laugh and walk away.

As soon as he tried to make plans it was left on read or some reason why she couldn't with no counter-offer except a "maybe" which is not a valid counter-offer IMO.

He was way more persistent than I would have been, I would have cut bait far quicker, I don't have time for that nonsense.

 

[Divorced w 3]

What's there to explain? This woman was not interested.

She was all talk and no action, which is exactly how disinterested women who are playing games act...I've had several of those myself. They lead you to the cliff and then watch to see if you jump and then laugh and walk away.

As soon as he tried to make plans it was left on read or some reason why she couldn't with no counter-offer except a "maybe" which is not a valid counter-offer IMO.

He was way more persistent than I would have been, I would have cut bait far quicker, I don't have time for that nonsense.

We will never know. He played it wrong from the jump. Yes, the ‘maybe next week’ is a bad look. His counter as has been pointed out, should have been, days A & B with concrete times. You have to pursue in order for early stage dating to move ahead and / or intentions clarify. If she leaves him ambiguous then yes, cut bait. But to simply ghost the woman because she was lukewarm is not how the game works and it does himself a big disservice to perhaps clicking with her in real life.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

We will never know. He played it wrong from the jump. Yes, the ‘maybe next week’ is a bad look. His counter as has been pointed out, should have been, days A & B with concrete times. You have to pursue in order for early stage dating to move ahead and / or intentions clarify. If she leaves him ambiguous then yes, cut bait. But to simply ghost the woman because she was lukewarm is not how the game works and it does himself a big disservice to perhaps clicking with her in real life.

He already knows the woman and they have met many times over the last 4-ish years, not in a dating capacity, but have spent time around each other. She knows if she is interested or not. This wasn't some rando from OLD.

 

[Sega Genesis]

I think some of y'all are overdoing it with the word "maybe." Way way too much overthinking and overanalyzing good gawd, I have never. It's a word. Chill.

As mentioned before words can (and DO) have different meanings depending on context, punctuation and how the word is framed. English 101 in the 9th grade guys.

Here "maybe next week"? (framed as a question) could very well have meant "how about next week"? I'm gonna give her the benefit of doubt that it IS what she meant cause lord knows I haven't always worded things just right, nor have most people at various times. .

The written word (text, email, carrier pigeon whatever) can be extremely ambiguous! This is a FACT.

Give the girl a break ffs, she responded enthusiastically (with heart emoji) to his lukewarm "next week sounds good" and HE ghosted her!

But it's HER fault? For what? Not taking the bull by the horns and leading? (sigh)

I am 100% with @Divorced w 3 on that and everything BE posted.

He allowed his insecurities and sensitive ego to get the better of him, he catastrophized the entire thing and still is! 10 days later.

SMH

 

[Sega Genesis]

To add.. to the OP. You made a mountain out of a molehill because at one point early in she responded five days later. Called it "ignoring" you, "ghosting" you. That's called catastrophizing.

And on you. You shouldn't have been anxiously waiting around focused on her, and instead you should have been pursuing other options, which hopefully you have.

That would have lessened your anxiety immensely and changed your attitude from becoming anxious and pissed that she didn't reply immediately.... to being more chill (i.e. if she gets back to me great, if not no biggie).

Which as we all know, she did get back to you suggesting the following week and hearted your message. That's called IOI.

Anyway ...

There are definitely lessons to be learned from this other than "date interested women" because I think she was. As interested as she could be considering she hadn't had even one date with you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I think some of y'all are overdoing it with the word "maybe." Way way too much overthinking and overanalyzing good gawd, I have never. It's a word. Chill.

As mentioned before words can (and DO) have different meanings depending on context, punctuation and how the word is framed. English 101 in the 9th grade guys.

Here "maybe next week"? (framed as a question) could very well have meant "how about next week"? I'm gonna give her the benefit of doubt that it IS what she meant cause lord knows I haven't always worded things just right, nor have most people at various times. .

The written word (text, email, carrier pigeon whatever) can be extremely ambiguous! This is a FACT.

Give the girl a break ffs, she responded enthusiastically (with heart emoji) to his lukewarm "next week sounds good" and HE ghosted her!

But it's HER fault? For what? Not taking the bull by the horns and leading? (sigh)

I am 100% with @Divorced w 3 on that and everything BE posted.

He allowed his insecurities and sensitive ego to get the better of him, he catastrophized the entire thing and still is! 10 days later.

SMH

No, it didn't. Because the entire context of what happened numerous times prior TOLD YOU what it meant.

In isolation, sure. As a continued pattern of behavior, no. Her pattern of behavior for the entire time prior to this said "Time waster", so there is no "benefit of the doubt" for her. Tigers don't change their stripes.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Sure, the OP was specifically asking for handling a specific communications situation.

At the same time, if I am able to see a different issue that would lessen the occurrences of these types of situations, I'd consider myself a cackling sadist if I didn't share that insight. 1.) The point of view and surrounding dynamics, along with precipitating factors indicate an advanced case of Oneitis. If this were not Oneitis, would there be worries over what someone said, when they said it, how interested they are, and how can I "make" it work?

2.) There are MANY women who would go out with me with enthusiasm and passion who are loads hotter and more energetic who aren't my cause for Oneitis. And the bonus is that it won't take 4 years on and off 10 times over said 4 years for me to go get a date on.

Take two approaches daily and 2 dates monthly as needed. Caution! "One more" is not for everyone. Side effects include more confidence, decreased anxiety (this applies to approach anxiety and social anxiety), increased s3x, as well as increased likelihood of an STD. Wear protection. Consult physician before use. Do not use while drinking or operating heavy machinery.