"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"

Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."

You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.

She's been waiting forty minutes.

Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.

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How to build rapport?

Novice1

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Ive been in this youth camp and i met this girl whom is studying in the same university with me. So while in the pool approached her buy saying she is familiar and introduce my name and after a few small talk i cant build a proper rapport and low IOI. Im sure im missing something along the line or just that i can sense that her interest is low resulting for my approach a bit off.
 

"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"

She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.

Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.

The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.

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Novice1

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And on the other hand, i got this chick from school whom i greeted on how attractive she is in her new school uniform, we never met this week but still active online (reacting to my stories), now i just realize how beneficial is "breadcrumbs" are in any interaction with girls, and to let them piece me out on their own way
 

Rainman4707

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1. Show genuine interest
Ask questions that invite her to talk about herself, rather than firing questions at her like an interview.

Instead of:

  • "What do you do?"
  • "Where do you live?"
  • "What are your hobbies?"
Try:

  • "What do you enjoy most about your job?"
  • "What do you usually get up to at weekends?"
  • "You sound like someone who enjoys travelling. What's been your favourite place?"
2. Listen and pick up on details
This is probably the most important part.

If she mentions something interesting, don't immediately jump to another question. Explore it.

For example:

Her: "I went to Italy last year."

Him: "Oh, lovely. Whereabouts?"

Her: "Sorrento."

Him: "I've always fancied that part of Italy. Was it as beautiful as the photographs?"

You're building a conversation around something she's already given you.

3. Share something about yourself
Rapport has to work both ways.

Don't just ask questions. Offer your own experiences, opinions and stories.

If she tells him she enjoys walking, he could say:

"I enjoy getting out walking too. Although I tend to find a nice country pub at the end of the walk particularly motivating!"

That gives her something to respond to.

4. Introduce humour and playfulness
A little teasing, gentle humour and amusing observations can make a conversation feel more natural.

For example:

Her: "I'm quite competitive."

Him: "Oh dear. Should I be worried about playing board games with you?"

It's playful without being overly forward.

5. Make her feel that he's interested, not desperate
  • Maintain comfortable eye contact.
  • Smile.
  • Give sincere compliments rather than excessive flattery.
  • Don't try to fill every silence.
  • Allow her to initiate conversation too.
  • Pay attention to whether she's reciprocating.
Rapport develops when both people contribute.
 

user2827

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What Rainman4707 said is valuable, and if it's still seeing short responses with nothing to build on or follow up, it's a safe assumption that she's not very interested... she might be shy, but that would look more like nervousness than aloofness (if you can't discern the difference, chalk it to a lack of interest).

To the second story, while I would generally advise not starting with a comment on looks, if she's going out of her way to find, read, and post reactions to your writing, that's probably a sign that it's worth rolling the dice to find out if she's actually interested.
 

BaronOfHair

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@Novice1 Work on your voice alongside your words. Emulating the men who narrate fiction written by women for women, and who are the most venerated for doing so, is highly recommended. Exs.

Joe Arden


Zachary Webber


Aidan Snow

 

“The 22 Psychological Triggers That Make Women Chase You… Starting Tonight”

Forget the cash, the cars, and the chiseled jawlines. Female desire operates on a completely different frequency. Primal. Subconscious. Triggers that bypass her logic and hit her on a gut level. Most guys are totally blind to them.

I know because I was one of them. The overthinking. The paralysis. The silent drive home kicking yourself for freezing up. Watching average guys walk away with the girl while you stood there stuck in your own head.

Then I decoded the psychology behind what actually makes women tick. 22 hard rules.  Subtle behavioral shifts that rewired my entire reality. The anxiety evaporated. Women started leaning in. Investing. Chasing.

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user2827

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Each of those dudes does have that smooth baritone, and without ****ting on your point about trying to deepen the voice, this is something that's gotta be ingrained because if you're Joe Arden with effort, but Mcloven whenever stress enters the equation, you're almost better off to just be Mcloven.
 

BaronOfHair

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...this is something that's gotta be ingrained...
Alongside everything else in life. No one in The Cali Cartel fell out of the womb equipped with an inherent deftness for "social cleansing"... Those men who eventually clogged up The Cauca River with the remains of a few million desechables wouldn't have triumphed in such a spectacular fashion, WITHOUT first putting chainsaw to cattle carcass a few thousand times, thus perfecting their technique

Similarly, one's voice doesn't become silky and dulcet, without consciously going to work on it
 

FlexpertHamilton

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"building rapport" is some gay ****. waste of time.
 

Plinco

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Learn how to express yourself and stay emotionally present throughout a conversation.

That said, you'll find out that your not compatible with most people anyway. Just be amused by each person.
 

"She's Out of Your League"

You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.

Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.

She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.

Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.

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Clockwerk50

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I have written many times about the relationship between escalation and rapport, and how too much rapport early on can land you in the friend zone, while too much escalation can make the interaction feel forced or uncomfortable. There are multiple articles that explain this dynamic in more detail.

Nonetheless, in your case, none of that matters if she isn't receptive to your influence. If your assessment is that she is inaccessible, even to the point of establishing a basic friendship, then it's best to leave her alone and invest your time elsewhere. You cannot build rapport with someone who isn't willing to engage with you.

As for the second girl, you haven't really tested whether she's receptive to you or open to your influence yet. By hesitating and becoming self-conscious, you've built a defensive mechanism around yourself: a hardened shell that prevents you from taking the necessary risks and finding out where you stand. Unfortunately, that shell may be your greatest limitation. Maybe send her a message and see where it goes. There's no point in speculating about her level of interest without first giving the interaction a chance to develop.
 

Serenity

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To "build rapport" is initially just about talking, probing for common interests and learning a little about her while she learns a little about you. Eventually it's about shared experience, doesn't have to be anything grand, mostly just simple stuff like observing something happening around you, funny moments that arise during conversation or an inside joke arising out of that shared experience.

You can talk about almost anything, it doesn't matter a whole lot, but into that you weave a bit about who you are, what you do, what you care about, what you don't and sprinkle in a bit about the fact that you like her. If and when she has something to say you shut up and let her talk or at least wrap up your story quickly to give her the stage, if she engages then absolutely let her! Hold your thoughts as she speaks, inject your thoughts when there's a natural pause or conclusion to what she's talking about, it's fine to rewind to something she said a little bit earlier. I fvcking love when someone talks back because it spawns like 10 new stories, thoughts or questions in my mind to follow up with, listening is the "hack" to having infinite things to talk about.

The thing that makes building rapport so hard for some guys is that they're not really doing themselves what they wish the woman will do to carry the conversation. What if she's stuck thinking the same way? That it fizzled out, she wants to continue, but she ran out of things to say. Some women are great at carrying conversations, but when they're not, you have to carry it, at least until she relaxes more and can let it flow more naturally.
 

RangerMIke

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You can't really create rapport, only build on what is there. Any attempt to create rapport where none exists comes off as dishonest.

The OP had rapport... he and this girl went to the same school... they are both at the same youth camp.... both in the pool.

@Rainman4707 is 100% correct. Ask questions and listen... really listen... and make sure your body language indicates interest.

If things don't go smoothly, she isn't interested and just move on... you really can't control this. If she is interested all you can do is screw it up.
 

FlexpertHamilton

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what makes you think that? is this something you tried and quit doing?
Maybe my interpretation of "building rapport" is wrong, but the immediate example of it that comes to mind is meeting someone for the first time and slipping their name into every other sentence, as if that means anything. "It's so nice to meet you, Tom." So tell me Tom, what drives you?" - It reeks of insincerity to me.

You either have chemistry with someone or you don't, I don't think it can be forced. I have connected more with random strangers in the span of 2 minutes than I have with family that I've known my whole life.

The only sincere method that I can think of that is actually works is seeking to understand before being understood, but that's too high concept for most people.
 
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"She Liked You in March. It's October Now."

Attraction runs on a clock.

She flirted for weeks. Touched your arm. Found reasons to be alone with you. And you were careful. Respectful. Waiting for the right moment.

The moment had a shelf life. It expired around month two, and by the time you asked her out, she'd quietly filed you under "little brother."

One of the hardest lessons inside the 22 Rules: women rarely wait. Interest either grows or it decays, and nothing decays it faster than a man who never moves.

Make the move while she's still inventing reasons to be near you.

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BaronOfHair

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FlexpertHamilton

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Inquire as to whether or not she's familiar with The Mothman Prophecies. If not, and she's willing to become well-versed, you just might be in business, @Novice1

Not even kidding either... This is a fascinating subject https://pearl-hifi.com/06_Lit_Archive/14_Books_Tech_Papers/Keel_John/The_Mothman_Prophesies.pdf

Personally, I've found that gals who really comprehend such things/can discuss them at length are game for nifty hijinks in the boudoir
i ask them about their thoughts on death and suicide, great way to weed out the npcs
 

Novice1

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i ask them about their thoughts on death and suicide, great way to weed out the npcs
I understand your point
I have written many times about the relationship between escalation and rapport, and how too much rapport early on can land you in the friend zone, while too much escalation can make the interaction feel forced or uncomfortable. There are multiple articles that explain this dynamic in more detail.

Nonetheless, in your case, none of that matters if she isn't receptive to your influence. If your assessment is that she is inaccessible, even to the point of establishing a basic friendship, then it's best to leave her alone and invest your time elsewhere. You cannot build rapport with someone who isn't willing to engage with you.

As for the second girl, you haven't really tested whether she's receptive to you or open to your influence yet. By hesitating and becoming self-conscious, you've built a defensive mechanism around yourself: a hardened shell that prevents you from taking the necessary risks and finding out where you stand. Unfortunately, that shell may be your greatest limitation. Maybe send her a message and see where it goes. There's no point in speculating about her level of interest without first giving the interaction a chance to develop.
Thank you for this sir
 
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