How to build rapport?

[Novice1]

Ive been in this youth camp and i met this girl whom is studying in the same university with me. So while in the pool approached her buy saying she is familiar and introduce my name and after a few small talk i cant build a proper rapport and low IOI. Im sure im missing something along the line or just that i can sense that her interest is low resulting for my approach a bit off.

 

[Novice1]

And on the other hand, i got this chick from school whom i greeted on how attractive she is in her new school uniform, we never met this week but still active online (reacting to my stories), now i just realize how beneficial is "breadcrumbs" are in any interaction with girls, and to let them piece me out on their own way

 

[Rainman4707]

1. Show genuine interest
Ask questions that invite her to talk about herself, rather than firing questions at her like an interview.

Instead of:

• "What do you do?"
• "Where do you live?"
• "What are your hobbies?"

Try:

• "What do you enjoy most about your job?"
• "What do you usually get up to at weekends?"
• "You sound like someone who enjoys travelling. What's been your favourite place?"

2. Listen and pick up on details
This is probably the most important part.

If she mentions something interesting, don't immediately jump to another question. Explore it.

For example:

Her: "I went to Italy last year."

Him: "Oh, lovely. Whereabouts?"

Her: "Sorrento."

Him: "I've always fancied that part of Italy. Was it as beautiful as the photographs?"

You're building a conversation around something she's already given you.

3. Share something about yourself
Rapport has to work both ways.

Don't just ask questions. Offer your own experiences, opinions and stories.

If she tells him she enjoys walking, he could say:

"I enjoy getting out walking too. Although I tend to find a nice country pub at the end of the walk particularly motivating!"

That gives her something to respond to.

4. Introduce humour and playfulness
A little teasing, gentle humour and amusing observations can make a conversation feel more natural.

For example:

Her: "I'm quite competitive."

Him: "Oh dear. Should I be worried about playing board games with you?"

It's playful without being overly forward.

5. Make her feel that he's interested, not desperate

• Maintain comfortable eye contact.
• Smile.
• Give sincere compliments rather than excessive flattery.
• Don't try to fill every silence.
• Allow her to initiate conversation too.
• Pay attention to whether she's reciprocating.

Rapport develops when both people contribute.

 

[user2827]

What Rainman4707 said is valuable, and if it's still seeing short responses with nothing to build on or follow up, it's a safe assumption that she's not very interested... she might be shy, but that would look more like nervousness than aloofness (if you can't discern the difference, chalk it to a lack of interest).

To the second story, while I would generally advise not starting with a comment on looks, if she's going out of her way to find, read, and post reactions to your writing, that's probably a sign that it's worth rolling the dice to find out if she's actually interested.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@Novice1 Work on your voice alongside your words. Emulating the men who narrate fiction written by women for women, and who are the most venerated for doing so, is highly recommended. Exs.

Joe Arden

Zachary Webber

Aidan Snow

 

[user2827]

Each of those dudes does have that smooth baritone, and without ****ting on your point about trying to deepen the voice, this is something that's gotta be ingrained because if you're Joe Arden with effort, but Mcloven whenever stress enters the equation, you're almost better off to just be Mcloven.

 

[BaronOfHair]

...this is something that's gotta be ingrained...

Alongside everything else in life. No one in The Cali Cartel fell out of the womb equipped with an inherent deftness for "social cleansing"... Those men who eventually clogged up The Cauca River with the remains of a few million desechables wouldn't have triumphed in such a spectacular fashion, WITHOUT first putting chainsaw to cattle carcass a few thousand times, thus perfecting their technique

Similarly, one's voice doesn't become silky and dulcet, without consciously going to work on it

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

"building rapport" is some gay ****. waste of time.

 

[Plinco]

Learn how to express yourself and stay emotionally present throughout a conversation.

That said, you'll find out that your not compatible with most people anyway. Just be amused by each person.

 

[CornbreadFed]

You’re cooked at this point bro

 

[The Duke]

"building rapport" is some gay ****. waste of time.

what makes you think that? is this something you tried and quit doing?

 

[Clockwerk50]

I have written many times about the relationship between escalation and rapport, and how too much rapport early on can land you in the friend zone, while too much escalation can make the interaction feel forced or uncomfortable. There are multiple articles that explain this dynamic in more detail.

Nonetheless, in your case, none of that matters if she isn't receptive to your influence. If your assessment is that she is inaccessible, even to the point of establishing a basic friendship, then it's best to leave her alone and invest your time elsewhere. You cannot build rapport with someone who isn't willing to engage with you.

As for the second girl, you haven't really tested whether she's receptive to you or open to your influence yet. By hesitating and becoming self-conscious, you've built a defensive mechanism around yourself: a hardened shell that prevents you from taking the necessary risks and finding out where you stand. Unfortunately, that shell may be your greatest limitation. Maybe send her a message and see where it goes. There's no point in speculating about her level of interest without first giving the interaction a chance to develop.