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Got out of the friend zone again! ... but now catching myself obsessing. Advice needed

diogenes84

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Hey Guys,

this forum and SS in general has already been a major enlightenment in understanding some of the dynamics that really puzzled me for most of my life.
I am even applying some of the DJ basic stuff in other areas of my life to become more powerful, independant and basically seeing the evolutionary biology around me as what it is: Apes in fancy clothes fighting over "food, status and the right to mate". Crazy how this is so contrary to the widely taught PC bull****!

Anyway:

1. After getting a girl that gave me clear signals into "my cave" and ****ing a few times I became more and more AFC as we spent more time together and tried to fight her losing-interest by investing more and more... I actually had a major crush on her. And just as it is being taught here she increasingly ****-tested me ( I failed) and eventually put me into the friend zone. After trying to cope with that it became too painful:

2. Unconsciously I went no-contact and sure as hell she became more interested. After not responding to her at first she went to telling me how she is thinking about me and misses me.

3.At that point I decided to meet again and playing the "I'm cool with just being friends, maybe benefits sometimes". So following the DJ ABC my verbal interaction was completely friendlike while mixing in some kino, looking at her mouth etc.
So great Sex followed, she even wanting me to sleepover. Not possible at that time cuz another girlfriend arrived that night by train (bumping into me leaving ^^). All good you might think...but

4. Even though I know she is probably not a keeper (she wanted to be friends with benefits all along) and know that having a non-exclusive/abundance attitude would be better for both of us I catch myself obsessing. :( And I hate it!
I'm really trying to not communicate it, not always answering her texts. Being assertive, acting unfazed if my first suggestion gets declined. Appearing busy and happy (which I am mostly) but I still feel kind of hooked or dependant on her "signals". Which brings me to my question:

5. Is there any way to make rational mind and feeling merge and cut-off that needy,obsessive part of our "relationship"? Cuz she is really fun to be around, even I want to stay friends in case I meet someone else cuz it is intellectually and emotionally very rewarding to spend time with her. Also the sex is great and I would be fine with meeting now and then, spending time, ****ing sometimes if just I wouldn't be spending so much of my mental ressources on her!

So for those who manage to read my novel and have advice or can point me to a good article/routine etc.
Thanks :)

P.S.: already read the bible, gobbling the newsletter, and most of the "Starter pack" ebooks
 

Toddz

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Clearly she just wants to sleep with you without it going any further than that, so there's your answer. She already put you in the friend zone once, you would be a fool to allow her to do it to you again.

My advice would be to enjoy it while it lasts and date other women in the meantime. Ignore whatever this girl tells you and take whatever she says at face value. If you can't handle her being a fuk buddy because you have feelings for her then cut her off completely.
 

diogenes84

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Clearly she just wants to sleep with you without it going any further than that, so there's your answer. She already put you in the friend zone once, you would be a fool to allow her to do it to you again.

My advice would be to enjoy it while it lasts and date other women in the meantime. Ignore whatever this girl tells you and take whatever she says at face value. If you can't handle her being a fuk buddy because you have feelings for her then cut her off completely.
Thank you! Why the advice to ignore whatever she tells me? And can you explain what "at face value means" (sorry no native speaker). My gut feeling already is to cut ties completely if I feel myself falling in love (again).

On the other hand I am trying to see this as an experiment to implement all the good stuff I learn here and also to grow up in regard to partnership maturity. To then hopefully apply it to the next relationship which has LTR potential. What's your take on this?
 

stringpuller

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seeing the evolutionary biology around me as what it is: Apes in fancy clothes fighting over "food, status and the right to mate". Crazy how this is so contrary to the widely taught PC bull****!
Thats good stuff. I highly recomend The Rational Male. Its a book from a member here.
Oneitis type thoughts are a *****. It really comes down to knowing deep behind all the mental noise that everything is transitory in this world. Even your wife or GF. Kids family etc etc.
Sounds depressing on the surface but it is actually very freeing of the restlessness.

I would in your case be a bit more distant with her. Enjoy her when she reaches out.
 

Toddz

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Thank you! Why the advice to ignore whatever she tells me? And can you explain what "at face value means" (sorry no native speaker). My gut feeling already is to cut ties completely if I feel myself falling in love (again).

On the other hand I am trying to see this as an experiment to implement all the good stuff I learn here and also to grow up in regard to partnership maturity. To then hopefully apply it to the next relationship which has LTR potential. What's your take on this?
Because women will tell you one thing and then act completely different. For example, she will tell you she is thinking of you and misses you one minute and then act distant and cold the next minute. Women are highly emotional and live through their emotions whereas men are rational and reliable. When we say something we are expected to follow through on it. If a man says something and doesn't follow through on it that proves he is untrustworthy and he is unreliable. Society have given women a pass on this and they are excused from being reliable, except for when it comes to raising their children.

Face value means superficial and to not look any deeper than what she says. That's why it's always best to judge a woman by her actions, not her words.
 

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diogenes84

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Thats good stuff. I highly recomend The Rational Male. Its a book from a member here.
Oneitis type thoughts are a *****. It really comes down to knowing deep behind all the mental noise that everything is transitory in this world. Even your wife or GF. Kids family etc etc.
Sounds depressing on the surface but it is actually very freeing of the restlessness.

I would in your case be a bit more distant with her. Enjoy her when she reaches out.
From a buddhist standpoint I know you are right about the impermanence...ironically I'm married to a different woman but this marriage is just dying very slowly.

The advice you give in the last sentence is a good one. It has worked also as she tried harder when I pulled back/didn't reply before. But she doesn't seem to mind not meeting for weeks (just texting often) whereas I grow quite restless and it therefore becomes harder to keep my cool and not show desperation or neediness.

Thx to all of you and keep the good stuff coming :)
Have any of you experienced this before? How did it turn out it in the end?
 

diogenes84

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Thats good stuff. I highly recomend The Rational Male. Its a book from a member here.
Oneitis type thoughts are a *****. It really comes down to knowing deep behind all the mental noise that everything is transitory in this world. Even your wife or GF. Kids family etc etc.
Sounds depressing on the surface but it is actually very freeing of the restlessness.

I would in your case be a bit more distant with her. Enjoy her when she reaches out.
Just ordered them! Let's see how it goes B)
 

cola

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Millionaire: I’m gonna give you a million dollars just because, but i don’t want you to work for it.

Diogenes84: Hm, a million dollars is nice but I really want to work for it!

Millionaire: No, no I insist! Take the million dollars, it’s better than if you worked for me because I’m an ******* boss. I’m doing you a favor.

Diogenes84: I just can’t get over the fact your just giving me a million dollars, I don’t deserve to be just gifted this, I need to work for it.

Spectators observing on the side: “What a dumbass” ..
 

stormrider

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Op you are needy because you don’t have a fulfilling purpose in life beyond petty romance. You think another human can complete you but they can’t. It’s unfair for you to even put this burden on her.

Neediness is a burden for people around you. People do not exist to fill your fvcking void. It’s going to repel everyone away.

Filling your own void is your job and your job only.

Disney romance is based on neediness. You see it works in the movies and you think it works that way in real life. In real life when the guy gets sappy, it’s the most repulsive thing in the world for women.

And not just women. Neediness is universally repulsive. Nobody wants anything to do with filling your void of neediness.

As a man you are your most attractive when you are on your mission in life and don’t need women. Get that through your heads so suavers.

So what is your mission in life? To win her over? That’s no masculine mission. That’s neediness.

In an efffort to become attractive to women, you turn them into the main focus of your life and end up repelling them. Yeah that sounds like 90% of the posts here.

Guys with no ambition to become anything other than needy and pedestalizing hopeless romantics because their mothers didn’t hold them enough.
 
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diogenes84

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@cola : I never saw her giving me attention, sex or signals as the "million-dollar" until I became somewhat attached to her through her own (apparently very good) game and my unawareness of many of the principles here. but I see your point and its kinda funny too ^^

@stormrider
i guess the posters before made the same point but without being righteous and insulting. I agree with you about neediness being repulsive. What I am experiencing now has never applied to any of the relationsships or flings I had so far.
I have dated and fvcked plenty of women without knowing about "formal game" so far.
I had girls approach me in a club in front of my friends and ask if we should maybe get naked somewhere ;)

I am also not going to elaborate on the other aspects of my life or my ambitions and not ask about how the dragon-slaying is going for you. no offense ;)

I also have 2 potential plates available that I fvcked over the course of my disintegrating marriage these past months. But they dont give me anywhere near the feeling I am experiencing with the girl I described above.
So I was asking about either strategies to detach myself from these obsessive tendencies without dropping her ( thx @stringpuller ) or ways to get her to commit more.

Im not planning to spend my life with her I just want to enjoy her more for the time given and understand some of the dynamics for the future. Its more like a prototype approach in my head at least.
 

diogenes84

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Thats good stuff. I highly recomend The Rational Male. Its a book from a member here.
Oneitis type thoughts are a *****. It really comes down to knowing deep behind all the mental noise that everything is transitory in this world. Even your wife or GF. Kids family etc etc.
Sounds depressing on the surface but it is actually very freeing of the restlessness.

I would in your case be a bit more distant with her. Enjoy her when she reaches out.
I only wanted to thank you publically! I have absolutely reached the next level reading these 3 books and applying them to my life. Not only with my intimate relationships (multiple plates, some completely submissive, great sex, zero obligations) and success on tinder and rel life but also in my working environment. Shooting down sh1ttesting bitches and stopping more dominant women from walking all over me.

Before I did not even recognize how I was sometimes being walked over and just thought what a miserable b1tch some woman was.
No I not only stop them in their tracks but earn their respect and feel empowered in all of my interactions also with other men (the same rules apply here, only there is no sexual level)

Have a great weekend and know that you did good!
 

BackInTheGame78

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Your goal is to sleep with women and have fun...

It should be her goal to get you into a relationship.

No matter how much you want to play her role for her if you do it will not end well for you.

Nice job at reversing things but you need to settle down a little bit and just focus on having fun with her.
 

stringpuller

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I only wanted to thank you publically! I have absolutely reached the next level reading these 3 books and applying them to my life. Not only with my intimate relationships (multiple plates, some completely submissive, great sex, zero obligations) and success on tinder and rel life but also in my working environment. Shooting down sh1ttesting bitches and stopping more dominant women from walking all over me.

Before I did not even recognize how I was sometimes being walked over and just thought what a miserable b1tch some woman was.
No I not only stop them in their tracks but earn their respect and feel empowered in all of my interactions also with other men (the same rules apply here, only there is no sexual level)

Have a great weekend and know that you did good!
Thank Rollo and the guys smart enough to write this stuff.
Congrats on your success.
 

flowtheory

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OP: Relax and let her keep engaging you for sex and hangouts. Just show up and be light and masculine. She does have wobbling interest, and it's clear your interest seems higher than hers. You do see her in a starry-eyed way with slight penalization. Keep focusing on your purpose and outside pleasures, whilst enjoying other women, and let this one continue to reach out. contact should be 80/20 her:you right now.
 

diogenes84

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OP: Relax and let her keep engaging you for sex and hangouts. Just show up and be light and masculine. She does have wobbling interest, and it's clear your interest seems higher than hers. You do see her in a starry-eyed way with slight penalization. Keep focusing on your purpose and outside pleasures, whilst enjoying other women, and let this one continue to reach out. contact should be 80/20 her:you right now.
thank you for your reply!
the advice would have been spot on at this time. If you look 3 posts above you will find I got over this One-itis and (subjectively) leveled up my game and life around it thanks to Rollo and people like you and stringpuller etc.
 

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