Girlfriends good friend / former fling has cancer

[Divorced w 3]

3.5 years ago my girlfriend asked me to be exclusive. Within a few minutes, a guy texted her who she said was a male friend of hers. I was a pretty active participant here at the time and was able to suss out relatively quickly that they hooked up 15 months before I was on the scene. That they were still in regular contactShe tried to tell me that he had a girlfriend and that she encouraged him to go after hers. In my mind, I heard SoSuave telling me this was a deal breaker and so I told her that the dialogue was over with him if we were going to be exclusive. She went full stop. Removed him on instagram, went cold on his texts.

Fast forward to last night - she gets a text from their mutual friend that this guy has an aggressive form of cancer. She tells me that in college, he had another horrible bout of cancer. Then she gets really upset. Then she asks me if I feel bad having kept her from knowing a great friend for so long that is probably going to die. I told her that as much as I hated hearing about his illness, it didn’t bother me about not knowing him as it wasn’t appropriate. She told me that in a different world, a more secure partner would have allowed this and that he also ended up marrying this woman. That she was going to call him, and that if she wanted to have dialogue or see him, she was going to do it, and that it was never up to me to control that social interaction.

I guess what I’m getting at is, I digested some advice here years ago, and a serious real life consequence has resulted from taking some of that advice. Part of me is saying, it’s just a bad break. The guy was an orbiter and that it’s just how this situation shook out. Another part of me is thinking I was just super insecure and I let that drive this situation, where I could have just been super secure and not cared. My friend told me years ago I could just have been a super secure guy and blown so much of this off. And in retrospect, if I had taken that advice, so many things would have just gone so much smoother.

Just curious what people have to say on this.

 

[Sega Genesis]

I guess I'm the first to chime in here, a few of thoughts.

Yes it's very sad about her friend. It's not all on you though; if memory serves there were a few reasons you chose to draw that boundary not just that she was still communicating with this particular ex.

Second, SHE agreed to it. In the end it was HER decision to stop communicating with him, you didn't force her.

You drew a boundary, she agreed, she shouldn't be coming back now asking if you feel bad for "keeping her from knowing a great friend who is going to die."

I am not all that familiar with gaslighting but I am fairly certain that's what this is. At the very least it's an attempt to guilt trip you. For something SHE agreed to.

Third, her friend didn't get Cancer because she chose to stop communicating with him which is what she is making it sound like. And blaming you.

Lastly again if memory serves SS advice was for you to permanently end things with her for a bunch of reasons. Which you chose not to do. Only you know if that was the right and best call.

P.S. That said it's always good to introspect and if you feel you drew the boundary due to insecurity, that's something to explore within, own and resolve

Just my take, good luck however this goes.

 

[Sega Genesis]

To add Dw3, it's incredibly sad about her ex. Is he terminal? He recovered in college, so there is always hope.

Anyway...you can't change the past but going forward you can support her being a supportive friend to him now.

Tough situation, wishing everyone involved the best.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I guess I'm the first to chime in here, a few of thoughts.

Yes it's very sad about her friend. It's not all on you though; if memory serves there were a few reasons you chose to draw that boundary not just that she was still communicating with this particular ex.

Second, SHE agreed to it. In the end it was HER decision to stop communicating with him, you didn't force her.

You drew a boundary, she agreed, she shouldn't be coming back now asking if you feel bad for "keeping her from knowing a great friend who is going to die."

I am not all that familiar with gaslighting but I am fairly certain that's what this is. At the very least it's an attempt to guilt trip you. For something SHE agreed to.

Third, her friend didn't get Cancer because she chose to stop communicating with him which is what she is making it sound like. And blaming you.

Lastly again if memory serves SS advice was for you to permanently end things with her for a bunch of reasons. Which you chose not to do. Only you know if that was the right and best call.

P.S. That said it's always good to introspect and if you feel you drew the boundary due to insecurity, that's something to explore within, own and resolve

Just my take, good luck however this goes.

It’s a serious situation so I’ve sat more with it. I don’t think I handled it perfectly but I don’t think I handled it wrong either. In the perfect scenario I wouldn’t have said anything and I would have observed over time and seen how it went. That would have displayed the highest value. At the end of the day, she and I as consenting adults made decisions here, and this is just an awful stroke of luck. As to whether or not he is terminal, my understanding is that last time, he had a bone marrow transplant and this is substantially worse.

 

[Sega Genesis]

In the perfect scenario I wouldn’t have said anything and I would have observed over time and seen how it went. That would have displayed the highest value. At the end of the day, she and I as consenting adults made decisions here, and this is just an awful stroke of luck.

^^This is a great and mature way of viewing it.

I am a strong believer in taking responsibility for our own decisions and role in any given situation; you have and I trust when emotions settle she will too..

I understand though, she may be feeling guilty herself and trying to navigate that as best she can in the moment. I have done it myself.

At the end of the day no one could have predicted this. All you can do is learn from it, support her being there for him now and hope for the best.

I'm sorry you're going through this Dw3. Hang in.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I'm sorry you're going through this Dw3. Hang in.

Thanks - she was angry for five minutes and got over it. It just made me think.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Then she gets really upset.

Not your fault he has cancer

Then she asks me if I feel bad having kept her from knowing a great friend for so long that is probably going to die.

She is Twisting/Guilt tripping/Gaslighting. And she puts it on such a classy way. I guess "Do you feel bad you drew a boundary not to have orbiters I have previously hooked up with" didnt sounded as guiltTrip-y/gaslitght-y

I told her that as much as I hated hearing about his illness, it didn’t bother me about not knowing him as it wasn’t appropriate.

It is innappropiate.

She told me that in a different world, a more secure partner would have allowed this and that he also ended up marrying this woman.

Its not about insecurity. Its about boundaries in an exclusive relationship she wanted to be in.

My friend told me years ago I could just have been a super secure guy and blown so much of this off.

Having boundaries is a good thing, dont let other people convince you otherwise. We have seen what happens when men dont set boundaries.

I guess what I’m getting at is, I digested some advice here years ago, and a serious real life consequence has resulted from taking some of that advice.

You took some advice, but not the most important one, which was this one:

Lastly again if memory serves SS advice was for you to permanently end things with her for a bunch of reasons.

But lets get to what I think is the most important part:

That she was going to call him, and that if she wanted to have dialogue or see him, she was going to do it, and that it was never up to me to control that social interaction.

Ahhh yes, here is the bottom line: Sounds like calling and seeing this guy she hooked up with is more important to her than being in an exclusive relationship with you.

In my experience, you should have handled it by calling that out, almost word for word. Something along the lines of "Im sorry about the bad news but it sounds and feels like calling and seeing this guy you hooked up with is more important to you than being in an exclusive relationship with me".

Im basically "Monday Morning Quarterbacking" here but thats how I feel. I do apologize if I come across as harsh or as a total d1ck. I hope you found something useful in my post.

 

[Barrister]

This is just classic. First, it isn't your fault he has cancer. Second, SHE made the choice she was given: stay "friends" with her former hookup or have an exclusive relationship with you. She decided on the latter and that also is not your fault. No one held a gun to her head - she had freedom of choice and is now lashing out she didn't get to have her cake and eat it too.

Your drew a hard line, but a reasonable line, for an exclusive relationship to exist with you. Yes, it is sad this guy has cancer now. But one has nothing to do with the other. Her trying not make you feel bad over the situation is frankly concerning. Clearly, she has resentment over the fact she had to choose.

Don't let her gas lighting make you feel like you were "insecure" to not allow her to text her former fvck buddy whenever she pleased. That is ridiculous. I would be taking a hard look at your relationship if there are other cracks showing in addition to this.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks - she was angry for five minutes and got over it. It just made me think.

Oh really? Just wait for the next fight you have where she weaponizes this against you out of nowhere.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Real Talk: This guy implanted inside her and she settled for you. This is the guy that she saw herself marrying and having children within her future. However, that didn't happen and now she is gas lighting you about this cancer thing. Hold frame and do not budge.

 

[zekko]

Real Talk: This guy implanted inside her and she settled for you. This is the guy that she saw herself marrying and having children within her future.

I don't know where you're getting all that. I don't see where that guy was her top choice, or that she settle for the OP. She said she encouraged the guy to go after his girlfriend. I don't see any indication that he was #1 on her High Score list. But I don't recall previous discussion about this, maybe you do.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I guess what I’m getting at is, I digested some advice here years ago, and a serious real life consequence has resulted from taking some of that advice.

What are the "serious real life consequences" that you speak of? That she didn't get to cheat (or, at minimum, have inappropriate contact) with this guy before he got sick?

I don't get it. His cancer has nothing to do with you. Why are you letting her gaslight you like this? I mean, think of all the women you didn't get to meet over the past 3.5 years because you were exclusive with your GF. Some of them may be sick or dead now. So what?

 

[Prepostereax]

People have to die of something.
That he happens to be doing it now is neither here nor there.

This dude should have been "dead" to her the moment you two became exclusive.

But that choice has to come from her, not out of coercion from you.

 

[zekko]

I don't get it. His cancer has nothing to do with you. Why are you letting her gaslight you like this?

She didn't say he had anything to do with his cancer, she said that he kept her from seeing a great friend all this time. Unfortunate situation all around.

 

[CornbreadFed]

I don't know where you're getting all that. I don't see where that guy was her top choice, or that she settle for the OP. She said she encouraged the guy to go after his girlfriend. I don't see any indication that he was #1 on her High Score list. But I don't recall previous discussion about this, maybe you do.

I read in between the lines. He probably gave her the ole teenage dream fuzzies but wouldn't commit to her and she did everything she could to keep him around. I have old female friends to that I have lost contact with, and I will bet you a house and horse that they would not cause tension with their partners if they found out I had cancer. The only women I am confident that would reach out to me are my exes that never got over me.

 

[obelisk]

Dr's comments are $$. Far more succinct than what I could have said but exactly what I was thinking when I first read this thread yesterday morning.

What you need to watch out for is if this incident starts to lead to other forms of discontent in your relationship with her or if it's an isolated incident. OP is going to need to monitor if she reinvests in seeing the relationship between her and OP as important enough to sacrifice this bs with an old flame for what her and OP have built over the past 4 years.

 

[Datinglife26]

I'd be pissed at her for gaslighting you into thinking its your fault he is sick.
she is basically saying "I am annoyed you kept me from a guy I used to have sex with and now he is sick and YOU ruined that"
Meanwhile you just gave her a very secure choice "if you want to be with me you cannot keep past lovers around"

You think she would care if a past fling of yours got sick?

 

[CornbreadFed]

You think she would care if a past fling of yours got sick?

this

 

[BeExcellent]

I agree with the others. Neither the guy's cancer nor her choice to comply with your requirement for exclusivity are on you (yes you had standards, but she decided willingly to comply).

She had an emotional investment in this man. She wanted to see him happy in life, that's why you set up someone with your friend, because you want both to be happy.

The guy ended up married so he has a wife, and it is his wife's job to support him through this, NOT your girlfriend's.

Yes I think you could have been cooler in the beginning (the old flame is/was never any threat to your relationship, and good friends are valuable in this life)......she's upset about his misfortune, obviously, but she can't ride to the rescue in any case. Because of her place in your life; because her friend/old flame is married with a wife to comfort him.

The result? Your girlfriend has all these emotions swirling around that she doesn't have an outlet for. It would be completely inappropriate (disrespectful to his wife, frankly) for your gf to contact him.

Unless the wife is your girl's close friend. In that case the wife has not disclosed this to your gf before now (her husband probably wanted his health issuses kept private but as he has worsened the wife needs support herself and wants people her husband cares about to be advised/be able to support her husband or say goodbye even)....so your girlfriend can help by supporting the guy's wife emotionally more than by suddenly rekindling the friendship with the old flame.

The wife is reaching out for comfort & support in my view, and that is something people do. Could you have been less rigid and gotten to know them as a couple along the way? Maybe. But chances are that the wife was fine with your boundary too. I mean, your girlfriend is her husband's old flame. The wife may have felt as you did deep down (that it was best to sever that friendship)....

So your best bet is to be supportive of your girlfriend as she grieves for her friends. Just listen & be kind. The outbursts and gaslighting are the anger part of her grief. Be kind through it, it will pass. Encourage her to be supportive of the wife, who is the primary support of the husband. Be gracious.

My husband's ex gf (who was very jealous of me, and ugly toward me) came down with terminal cancer. She hid it from everyone. My husband found out from his sporting community as she was very late stage and dying. He didn't feel it was appropriate to reach out to his ex, he had moved on & was respectful of me....but one morning, right after she died, my husband woke up sobbing. Really sobbing. All his emotion came bubbling up that he had not kept in touch, that he had cared for her deeply (they were a 2 yr live-in LTR), etc. Very similar to your gf except that he never blamed me for his choice to not contact her. He asked if I would accompany him to her wake. Of course I went. It was helpful for my husband to have me there because the ex gf's brothers were there, and daughter. He had to grieve the loss of someone he had deeply cared for, loved.

My role in that was to be understanding and supportive & kind.

Your role is the same in this situation now.

Kindness is strength my friend.

 

[Sega Genesis]

I think the difference is in your situation BE, your husband made the decision on his own to not contact his ex after her diagnosis. With no input or pressure from you which is how it should be imo. Out of respect for you and your relationship.

If you recall Dw3's many posts about his off/on gf, admittedly he was quite heavy-handed about his boundaries not just about this.

Just my sense but I suspect that might be what he is questioning now (in retrospect) re his own reactions, behavior and insecurities. Whether or not he was too overpowering and demanding re certain things.

This situation with his gf is/was just a 'symptom' of the larger 'disease' (so to speak) re how heavy-handed or rigid we should be about our boundaries in general. And what they stem from - insecurities or having a strong solid frame?

In this case, Dw3 had questioned in his OP had he NOT been so insecure and heavy-handed, wouid it have changed the dynamic and course of the entire relationship?

Posting:

My friend told me years ago I could just have been a super secure guy and blown so much of this off. And in retrospect, if I had taken that advice, so many things would have just gone so much smoother.

It's good to introspect, that's how we learn and grow. I always do amyway.

Just my read on the whole thing and apologies to Dw3 if I've got any of this wrong and still stand by what I posted earlier. I think her initial reaction was unfair but you said she got over it in like 5 min so I assume everything is cool now.