Girlfriends good friend / former fling has cancer

[Divorced w 3]

3.5 years ago my girlfriend asked me to be exclusive. Within a few minutes, a guy texted her who she said was a male friend of hers. I was a pretty active participant here at the time and was able to suss out relatively quickly that they hooked up 15 months before I was on the scene. That they were still in regular contactShe tried to tell me that he had a girlfriend and that she encouraged him to go after hers. In my mind, I heard SoSuave telling me this was a deal breaker and so I told her that the dialogue was over with him if we were going to be exclusive. She went full stop. Removed him on instagram, went cold on his texts.

Fast forward to last night - she gets a text from their mutual friend that this guy has an aggressive form of cancer. She tells me that in college, he had another horrible bout of cancer. Then she gets really upset. Then she asks me if I feel bad having kept her from knowing a great friend for so long that is probably going to die. I told her that as much as I hated hearing about his illness, it didn’t bother me about not knowing him as it wasn’t appropriate. She told me that in a different world, a more secure partner would have allowed this and that he also ended up marrying this woman. That she was going to call him, and that if she wanted to have dialogue or see him, she was going to do it, and that it was never up to me to control that social interaction.

I guess what I’m getting at is, I digested some advice here years ago, and a serious real life consequence has resulted from taking some of that advice. Part of me is saying, it’s just a bad break. The guy was an orbiter and that it’s just how this situation shook out. Another part of me is thinking I was just super insecure and I let that drive this situation, where I could have just been super secure and not cared. My friend told me years ago I could just have been a super secure guy and blown so much of this off. And in retrospect, if I had taken that advice, so many things would have just gone so much smoother.

Just curious what people have to say on this.

 

[Sega Genesis]

I guess I'm the first to chime in here, a few of thoughts.

Yes it's very sad about her friend. It's not all on you though; if memory serves there were a few reasons you chose to draw that boundary not just that she was still communicating with this particular ex.

Second, SHE agreed to it. In the end it was HER decision to stop communicating with him, you didn't force her.

You drew a boundary, she agreed, she shouldn't be coming back now asking if you feel bad for "keeping her from knowing a great friend who is going to die."

I am not all that familiar with gaslighting but I am fairly certain that's what this is. At the very least it's an attempt to guilt trip you. For something SHE agreed to.

Third, her friend didn't get Cancer because she chose to stop communicating with him which is what she is making it sound like. And blaming you.

Lastly again if memory serves SS advice was for you to permanently end things with her for a bunch of reasons. Which you chose not to do. Only you know if that was the right and best call.

P.S. That said it's always good to introspect and if you feel you drew the boundary due to insecurity, that's something to explore within, own and resolve

Just my take, good luck however this goes.

 

[Sega Genesis]

To add Dw3, it's incredibly sad about her ex. Is he terminal? He recovered in college, so there is always hope.

Anyway...you can't change the past but going forward you can support her being a supportive friend to him now.

Tough situation, wishing everyone involved the best.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I guess I'm the first to chime in here, a few of thoughts.

Yes it's very sad about her friend. It's not all on you though; if memory serves there were a few reasons you chose to draw that boundary not just that she was still communicating with this particular ex.

Second, SHE agreed to it. In the end it was HER decision to stop communicating with him, you didn't force her.

You drew a boundary, she agreed, she shouldn't be coming back now asking if you feel bad for "keeping her from knowing a great friend who is going to die."

I am not all that familiar with gaslighting but I am fairly certain that's what this is. At the very least it's an attempt to guilt trip you. For something SHE agreed to.

Third, her friend didn't get Cancer because she chose to stop communicating with him which is what she is making it sound like. And blaming you.

Lastly again if memory serves SS advice was for you to permanently end things with her for a bunch of reasons. Which you chose not to do. Only you know if that was the right and best call.

P.S. That said it's always good to introspect and if you feel you drew the boundary due to insecurity, that's something to explore within, own and resolve

Just my take, good luck however this goes.

It’s a serious situation so I’ve sat more with it. I don’t think I handled it perfectly but I don’t think I handled it wrong either. In the perfect scenario I wouldn’t have said anything and I would have observed over time and seen how it went. That would have displayed the highest value. At the end of the day, she and I as consenting adults made decisions here, and this is just an awful stroke of luck. As to whether or not he is terminal, my understanding is that last time, he had a bone marrow transplant and this is substantially worse.

 

[Sega Genesis]

In the perfect scenario I wouldn’t have said anything and I would have observed over time and seen how it went. That would have displayed the highest value. At the end of the day, she and I as consenting adults made decisions here, and this is just an awful stroke of luck.

^^This is a great and mature way of viewing it.

I am a strong believer in taking responsibility for our own decisions and role in any given situation; you have and I trust when emotions settle she will too..

I understand though, she may be feeling guilty herself and trying to navigate that as best she can in the moment. I have done it myself.

At the end of the day no one could have predicted this. All you can do is learn from it, support her being there for him now and hope for the best.

I'm sorry you're going through this Dw3. Hang in.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I'm sorry you're going through this Dw3. Hang in.

Thanks - she was angry for five minutes and got over it. It just made me think.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Then she gets really upset.

Not your fault he has cancer

Then she asks me if I feel bad having kept her from knowing a great friend for so long that is probably going to die.

She is Twisting/Gult tripping/Gaslighting. And she puts it on such a classy way. I guess "Do you feel bad you drew a boundary not to have orbiters I have previously hooked up with" didnt sounded as guiltTrip-y/gaslitght-y

I told her that as much as I hated hearing about his illness, it didn’t bother me about not knowing him as it wasn’t appropriate.

It is innappropiate.

She told me that in a different world, a more secure partner would have allowed this and that he also ended up marrying this woman.

Its not about insecurity. Its about boundaries in an exclusive relationship she wanted to be in.

My friend told me years ago I could just have been a super secure guy and blown so much of this off.

Having boundaries is a good thing, dont let other people convince you otherwise. We have seen what happens when men dont set boundaries.

I guess what I’m getting at is, I digested some advice here years ago, and a serious real life consequence has resulted from taking some of that advice.

You took some advice, but not the most important one, which was this one:

Lastly again if memory serves SS advice was for you to permanently end things with her for a bunch of reasons.

But lets get to what I think is the most important part:

That she was going to call him, and that if she wanted to have dialogue or see him, she was going to do it, and that it was never up to me to control that social interaction.

Ahhh yes, here is the bottom line: Sounds like calling and seeing this guy she hooked up with is more important to her than being in an exclusive relationship with you.

In my experience, you should have handled it by calling that out, word for word. Something along the lines of "Im sorry about the bad news but it sounds and feels like calling and seeing this guy you hooked up with is more important to you than being in an exclusive relationship with me".

Im basically "Monday Morning Quarterbacking" here but thats how I feel. I do apologize if I come across as harsh or as a total d1ck. I hope you found something useful in my post.

 

[Barrister]

This is just classic. First, it isn't your fault he has cancer. Second, SHE made the choice she was given: stay "friends" with her former hookup or have an exclusive relationship with you. She decided on the latter and that also is not your fault. No one held a gun to her head - she had freedom of choice and is now lashing out she didn't get to have her cake and eat it too.

Your drew a hard line, but a reasonable line, for an exclusive relationship to exist with you. Yes, it is sad this guy has cancer now. But one has nothing to do with the other. Her trying not make you feel bad over the situation is frankly concerning. Clearly, she has resentment over the fact she had to choose.

Don't let her gas lighting make you feel like you were "insecure" to not allow her to text her former fvck buddy whenever she pleased. That is ridiculous. I would be taking a hard look at your relationship if there are other cracks showing in addition to this.