Girlfriend met Ex boyfriend.

Chi Town

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I'm of two minds about this. On one hand saying this to her may simply let her know what to hide, and even if you're of the opinion that what you don't know doesn't hurt you, it will affect the relationship in a negative way.
Look at it this way, I'm letting her know there's consequences for her actions, you can't control what someone does in general all you can do is have consequences set in place.

If she wants to hide it that's cool, I hope she is good at it because if she gets caught then you know the rest.

I'm not trying to prevent her from doing anything she wants to do, she can do whatever she wants, I'm not her father lol but as long as knows she will be single if she s caught.
 

Glassguy

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Let me get this straight-

She had to meet him for coffee to tell him its over? Bullshyte
She has a restraining order on him but still happily met him for coffee? Bullshyte

You might not have enough self respect to do this, but I hope you do, because this is what Glassguy would do:

Nothing. Thats right, I wouldnt do anything. I wouldnt call her, I wouldnt message her, zilch.

Even if...and this is a big IF.....she stopped messaging him and didnt meet him again, she already messaged him AND met him behind your back. IF she came crawling back after you make no effort to contact her you will still carry the doubt about what is going on behind your back with you.

There are too many attractive and available chicks around to lose your self worth and respect over one.

So I would covertly ghost her in terms of you making any effort:
Her: Hey
Me: Hey
Her: Whats wrong
Me: Nothing
Her: Why are you acting weird?
Me: How am I acting weird
Her: You havent texted me or wanted to see me in 2 days
Me: Yeah. I need some time and space to figure out which direction I want to go. At this point I dont trust you so I have started chatting up other chicks. Good luck though

At that point her hamster will spin out of control. Then you walk away and leave her totally baffled.

Rule #1 for dating Glassguy- dont try to fvck me over and do things behind my back. If you do, I am instantly done with you. Instantly. Its an unspoken rule that I keep to myself but I totally stick to it.
 

Danger

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Yes, this is my concern. Meeting up with an ex is not a good sign.

She was only with him for 2 months as well. Absolutely ridiculous. He's harressed her before as well before i started seeing her.
How do you know he "was harassing her" before you started seeing her?

Is it only because she told you that??
 

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R

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It’s been my experience that they meet with them to see if there’s anything still there. It’s a validation thing.
Women like to tout how men always come back to them. It’s bragging rights for them in the girl herd. And how strong they were to smash the guy if, in fact, there’s nothing there.
Now if he is a man with game, he could have gotten her back possibly but he turned weasel and got it sealed in stone.

The worst thing a man could ever do is try to get a woman back in a begging state. I can’t tell you how many husbands have sealed their fate by trying to get her back.

This is about her ego...”See, they always come back once they figure out how precious I am.”
Hahaha

In fact, without mentioning any names, I watched a woman do exactly this on another thread yesterday. It’s a girl power thing.
Utterly ridiculous. Haha
 
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mrgoodstuff

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Hi all,

Girlfriend told me ex boyfriend has contacted her (which shes messaged back) and turning up at her place unannounced. She met him for coffee (red flag) without telling me to tell him she wants nothing to do with him anymore. He got angry and hounding her. She's rung the police on him and told me she loves me. I trust her but ffs. I'm too old for this shlt.
She met him for coffee to tell him she wants nothing to do with him. Hmm.
 

Floydispink01

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It’s been my experience that they meet with them to see if there’s anything still there. It’s a validation thing.
Women like to tout how men always come back to them. It’s bragging rights for them in the girl herd. And how strong they were to smash the guy if, in fact, there’s nothing there.
Now if he is a man with game, he could have gotten her back possibly but he turned weasel and got it sealed in stone.

The worst thing a man could ever do is try to get a woman back in a begging state. I can’t tell you how many husbands have sealed their fate by trying to get her back.

This is about her ego...”See, they always come back once they figure out how precious I am.”
Hahaha

In fact, without mentioning any names, I watched a woman do exactly this on another thread yesterday. It’s a girl power thing.
This is what concerns me. If he had a little game he could of f.cked her and she gave him that window to do it.
 
R

Ranger

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This is what concerns me. If he had a little game he could of f.cked her and she gave him that window to do it.
Possibly but in all reality it was about her ego. Her “power over men” ego.
It’s quite pathetic if you think about it. Bragging rights over a feminine guy they dumped.
That would be like me bragging over how I dumped an HB2.

Personally I wouldn’t get all worked up about it. Going paranoid over comments here won’t help, BUT there is some disrespect IF you feel it’s a grevious enough of an action.

Let me ask you about the elephant in the room. You are going exclusive with a woman in less than two months? Just by default, you have been relegated to placeholder but not breeding stock. Yet.
She could be trying to consolidate being she’s mid 30’s. I think you should be looking at you and not her. What made her think it was ok for her to do that if she’s with you?
She’s probably never been dumped good and hard in her entire life.
 

guru1000

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It's a question of awareness:

If she commits an act that she is not aware of which undermines your preference, then you overtly state your boundary, so she now becomes aware of your preference.

For example: I prefer that guests take off their shoes before entering my house.

Here, as she been to many houses and likely has never removed her shoes before entering, it's reasonable to assume she is not aware of this particular preference. An Overt boundary here would be appropriate.

However:

If she is aware of the "rules of play" in a normal healthy relationship, then overtly stating your boundary is implictly asking her to commit actions that contradict her desire. You can't negotiate desire. Hence, an overt boundary here is not your best play.

Instead, in such a context, you employ Silence and Distance (S&D), a covert boundary. You do this for two reasons:

1) She has made clear her desire contradicts yours. Hence, your desires are incompatible, and so you must walk away;

2) If her desire were to test you as your recent rapport with her has created doubt, S&D may forge a new desire in her, one that is compatible with yours. You employ S&D to walk away from an incompatible relation, not to change her, but her change is often a natural consequence thereof.

Here:

She met him for coffee (red flag) without telling me
This is an act she is aware is wrong, and undermining. So S&D is appropriate.
 

Chi Town

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It's a question of awareness:

If she commits an act that she is not aware of which undermines your preference, then you overtly state your boundary, so she now becomes aware of your preference.

For example: I prefer that guests take off their shoes before entering my house.

Here, as she been to many houses and likely has never removed her shoes before entering, it's reasonable to assume she is not aware of this particular preference. An Overt boundary here would be appropriate.

However:

If she is aware of the "rules of play" in a normal healthy relationship, then overtly stating your boundary is implictly asking her to commit actions that contradict her desire. You can't negotiate desire. Hence, an overt boundary here is not as effective.

Instead, in such a context, you employ Silence and Distance (S&D), a covert boundary. You do this for two reasons:

1) She has made clear her desire contradicts yours. Hence, your desires are incompatible, and so you must walk away;

2) If her desire were to test you as your recent rapport with her has created doubt, S&D can forge a new desire in her, one that is compatible with yours. You employ S&D to walk away from an incompatible relation, not to change her, but her change is often a natural consequence thereof.

Here:


This is an act she is aware is wrong, and undermining. So S&D is appropriate.
No silence and distance, that's that passive aggressive sh!t......

Tell her if she disrespects you or the relationship again, she will be single, simple.
 

guru1000

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No silence and distance, that's that passive aggressive sh!t......

Tell her if she disrespects you or the relationship again, she will be single, simple.
Recapped:
guru1000 said:
Need not tell her not to disrespect you as she is well aware of what she is doing. Yet you stay.

Action > Words

Overt boundaries not to disrespect when she already knows not to disrespect you implicitly demonstrates (1) You will not walk away if she chooses to disrespect you; (2) how to push your buttons (with no consequence) if she elects to; (3) you will give her more time and attention as opposed to withdrawing them; (4) if the disrespect were unconsciously incited by an issue ruminating in her, you are training her not to bring the issue forward for discussion, as there is no punishment of withdrawal imbued in her psyche motivating her to learn how to properly communicate.

The greatest boundary she will feel is her loss of you. Don't talk about her losing you. Don't threaten that she will lose you. Don't delineate the ultimatum, "If you do it again, you will lose me." Simply exercise the boundary immediately ... she loses you.

Any reparation (assuming the disrespect was not so great) she makes will be felt and imbued in her psyche greater than any overt words you could possibly deliver.

Within the above contexts, this is how you exercise boundaries ... powerfully.
 

Chi Town

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Recapped:
Based on that theory, that's like saying there's no point in enforcing laws when people already know not to break them.
Nobody needs to be told not to break the law right?

People make mistakes and have fvck ups and giving them a warning and letting them know the consquencees is the way to go. Not going no contact or just ignoring her, too passive aggressive.

If its a minor infraction then Call her out on it and let her know what will happen if she does it again. Major infraction, just dump her right then and there.

All the guys I knew growing up who I learned from didn't do that passive sh!t, there calling them out on it, very blunt and harshly as well.

Of course she already knows right from wrong, that's not the point, the point is you're letting her know you will end the relationship (which she probably doesn't expect) if her behavior continues,

You think a pimp would go distant on one of his hoes if she does something to displease him? You think he would go no contact with her? No, he would instantly scold her if not beat her ass.....
 

guru1000

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Based on that theory, that's like saying there's no point in enforcing laws when people already know not to break them.
Nobody needs to be told not to break the law right?

People make mistakes and have fvck ups and giving them a warning and letting them know the consquencees is the way to go. Not going no contact or just ignoring her, too passive aggressive.

If its a minor infraction then Call her out on it and let her know what will happen if she does it again. Major infraction, just dump her right then and there.
Seeing her ex behind his back is not a minor infraction. It's a deal breaker. To stay in such a relation is weak behavior as you are staying with a girl who desires to see her ex-bf, sees her ex, and undermines your relation. Your overtly stating not to see her ex again demonstrates that you are too invested to walk away by being accepting of such a disrespect, nor does your overt boundary alter her desire at all. She still desires to see him and sees him, yet you stay. Think about that.


All the guys I knew growing up who I learned from didn't do that passive sh!t, there calling them out on it, very blunt and harshly as well.
Time to learn what serves you most effectively. And that is to dismiss girls who disrespect your relation.

Of course she already knows right from wrong, that's not the point, the point is you're letting her know you will end the relationship (which she probably doesn't expect) if her behavior continues,
She already knows. Yet you stay.
You think a pimp would go distant on one of his hoes if she does something to displease him? You think he would go no contact with her? No, he would instantly scold her if not beat her ass.....
A pimp has no exclusive relations. He would be happy some other guy is getting her off his back. We are discussing exclusive relations here.
 

Chi Town

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Seeing her ex behind his back is not a minor infraction. It's a deal breaker


I'm speaking more in general and not about the OP situation specifically, I'm more so speaking on guys thinking going distant is the right way to go when it's not.

Also, there's a difference between breaking up with a girl and going distant with a girl, I was referring to you saying "silence and distance" I don't remember you saying anything about breaking up.
 
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mrgoodstuff

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I'm speaking more in general and not about the OP situation specifically, I'm more so speaking on guys thinking going distant is the right way to go when it's not.

Also, there's a difference between breaking up with a girl and going distant with a girl, I was referring to you saying "silence and distance" I don't remember you saying anything about breaking up.
In a maritial or LTR situation silence or distance has to be used. It takes away attention and it stop enabling her behavior. I agree in a dating or pimp situation your method is right.
 

Spaz

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There's nothing to discuss or inform her.

No good can come from it other then serve OP's ego and he could potentially be manipulated back into a relationship which he will ultimately end up getting dumped or cuckold - 99.999% probability.

Don't waste any more time.

Dump her.

Again I repeat, don't negotiate - don't discuss with her.

Just walk away.
 

guru1000

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I'm speaking more in general and not about the OP situation specifically, I'm more so speaking on guys thinking going distant is the right way to go when it's not.

Also, there's a difference between breaking up with a girl and going distant with a girl, I was referring to you saying "silence and distance" I don't remember you saying anything about breaking up.
S&D is just that silence and distance. That means you no longer invest your time and attention (T&A)into her. Period.

If her desires changes at a later time assuming the infraction was minor, the man can decide if his two most important assets T&A will be favorably served in the “new” her. In most cases, it’s not as the infraction which led to the S&D is usually of consequence but there are certainly exceptions.

In OP’s case any reparation she attempts to make I would not likely consider unless there were extenuating circumstances (e.g. shared kids, finances, etc.)
 

Chi Town

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In a maritial or LTR situation silence or distance has to be used. It takes away attention and it stop enabling her behavior. I agree in a dating or pimp situation your method is right.
Different methods for different situations, no black and white.

There's a time to go distant, and there's a time to call them out.

So what are you going to do if you're gf gets drunk and acts a fool and embarrasses you while having a outing with some friends, you going to go silent and ignore her the whole ride home lol you're going to sit on the couch and ignore her while she's in the other room?

Or are you going to tell her "that sh!t you pulled tonight will be the last time that happens"

You tell me what's more MANLY. Females are passive aggressive not men.

But hey, whatever works for you guys keep at it. I'm just stating what works for me.
 

Chi Town

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S&D is just that silence and distance. That means you no longer invest your time and attention (T&A)into her. Period.

If her desires changes at a later time assuming the infraction was minor, the man can decide if his two most important assets T&A will be served well in the “new” her. In most cases, it’s not as the infraction which led to the S&D is usually of consequence but there are certainly exceptions.

In OP’s case any reparation she attempts to make I would not likely consider unless there were extenuating circumstances (e.g. shared kids, finances, etc.)
In that case, that's correct.

I'm thinking you meant go distant like just ignoring her to punish her bad behavior but you meant silence and distance as in you're completely done with her, I can roll with that.
 
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