GamePlan's Approaching Journal - Despite social phobia

[GamePlan]

Well anyways, I see I'm making progress..and if I take into account that Ive been doing this for 2 weeks now..or well lets add what I did 1.5 years before and let's say it's 2 months of going out every day and trying to master these baby steps, then I have to say I'm really excited to see where I'll be until october (that's when college starts again).

Especially, the one Hi today was a really positive feeling as for the first time it was a Hi to a chick, which wasn't rushed or just for the matter of getting it out, but actually really smooth just the way it's supposed to be. And actual it felt rather easy and absolutely normal..and made me wonder: how come I used to never do this in the past whenever i got strong eye contact from a chick. Actually not doing this in such a situation would feel strange to me, now.

But anyways, Ill only go back to college at the beginning of october (I still have lots of stuff to deal with..) and thus will continue doing this all the way until then, which is another 4 1/2 months. That is like 2 times more the time it has taken me to go from not really being able to imagine saying hello to a stranger, at all to making it almost second nature and getting comfortable saying Hi to chicks.

@Daniel: Today I noticed what you meant when u said what u did wasnt a real/good approach (as you didnt flirt etc.). I was in a couple of situations where I could have started conversations with girls and it wouldn't have been approaches (as in flirty/showing interest).

I think there's a huge difference between a)making eye contact walking up to the girl, saying "hi" and starting a conversation and b)standing/walking next to somebody and saying something situational..without the whole eye contact+walking up+Hi stuff (which makes it extremely obvious that you are indeed approaching her).

 

[danielzxc]

Imo, it's really two different things. They are related, in that both are difficult for the socially anxious person, but nevertheless, you can also distinguish between them. For me, just socially engaging a girl, or even a group, without flirting (or only "light" flirting) is an order of magnitude easier than showing direct interest (from out cold). Eg, if i'm sitting at a cafe with a friend, it's not all that hard for me to open a table of girls sitting next to us. I still feel a BIT anxious, but it's like only one quarter of what I do with more direct stuff.

In a nutshell, to me it's about making clear my desire, so there are no ambiguities. That means that even if I approach totally casually/situationally/indirectly, it's still no good, because my problem will still be making clear my sexual interest. Maybe your odds are improved if you've built up some social value first (via indirect), but to me, the longer I drag on the non-sexual stuff, the harder (MUCH harder) it becoms to bring out the sexual angle. This is why I don't bother with indrect. (My problem is not in making interesting conversation, anyway. VERY rarely do I ever not have anything to say; I can usually come up with something at least mildly intersting pretty quickly.)

 

[GamePlan]

@Daniel:

That's why my 'gameplan' is like this:

making eye contact --> saying "Hi" --> starting a conversation..by saying something that fits the situation --> asking for the number.

I'm really not too interested in being able to approach girls and start conversations with them, if they never gave me eye contact in the first place, right now. That's something, that I might want to work on later, but for now being able to do the EC->Hi->conversation(+#) part is all I really want to become good at. I'm wondering how many chances with really pretty babes, I let slip, not being able to do that......

Actually, I'm already saying "Hello" to people who didn't look at me a couple of times, but it's not really what my focus is on.

 

[JEFE]

Bump

 

[everywomanshero]

This is a very good thread because Gameplan is actually making systematic progress despite the fact that he keeps insisting "today sucked" on two-thirds of his threads!

This is what it's all about, taking systematic, consistent action with a plan towards personal mastery.

Lots of guys hide behind the Internet, learning to get laid from messengers and dating sites, while hiding from the approach. This is fine and all, but what happens when they eventually meet her friends, get a job that requires good social skills, etc. If Gameplan keeps changing his behavior systematically, he will eventually get over his fears. The only way he could ever fail to do this is if he quits.

The path to getting past this stuff is consistent action (neither no action nor a flood of action then quitting), cognitive reframing of what's occuring (looking on the bright side, not beating oneself up), and eventually through this process the feelings change.

 

[GamePlan]

This is a very good thread because Gameplan is actually making systematic progress despite the fact that he keeps insisting "today sucked" on two-thirds of his threads!

Haha, I know it must have sounded like this..but on those days it was really like: Im going out and Im getting out a couple of Hi's to chicks..then I walk around town for 2 hours and can't get out a single Hi to a chick on some days (b/c I chickened out, b/c no girls are around lol, etc.)..which is kinda dissappointing when you did it before and thought.

However, I do realize Im making a lot of progress! Especially the last time I went out to this bigger city close to where I live, I realized how I was making progress again (after feeling like I was stagnating the few days before).

Unfortunately yesterday I didnt go out and probably wont do that today either..or hold on i just changed my mind: I WILL even if its just for an hour and almost nobody will be in town.....but tomorrow I plan on going to this bigger city again and will spend most of my day, there as the last time there helped me overcome this little period of stagnation, I had.

Lots of guys hide behind the Internet, learning to get laid from messengers and dating sites, while hiding from the approach. This is fine and all, but what happens when they eventually meet her friends, get a job that requires good social skills, etc. If Gameplan keeps changing his behavior systematically, he will eventually get over his fears. The only way he could ever fail to do this is if he quits.

Thanks for your input. I won't quit.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

Im mad proud of you for getting through this. I completely understand, it is not easy at all. Don't let anything hold u back as long as it usually does, u have the power.

 

[Mintyfresh]

As somebody that's battled with social anxiety, I have to say i think its great that you're willing to do all this.

However, you're progressing at an extremely slow pace. Which im sure isnt what you wanted.

After my first day of walking around getting eye contact with people I realized that i was going to be able to push the envelope much faster than the boot camp suggested. So after the first day I had my 50 Hi's and said tomorrow I'm going to jump right into short conversations with people. Sure enough by the end of the second day I was comfortable enough making small talk. The third day of my self improvement came around and i told myself I would just try to have small 5-10 min conversations with girls at the college campus (which i wasn't currently a student of but was in the past). Well, the first girl i talked to that day i asked for her number and low and behold she gave it. It's all history from there.

Keep in mind i had/have severe social phobia and worry constantly about what others think of me. If i was able to progress at such a rapid pace I'm damn sure you are too.

 

[Dannyrt34]

As somebody that's battled with social anxiety, I have to say i think its great that you're willing to do all this.

However, you're progressing at an extremely slow pace. Which im sure isnt what you wanted..

Keep in mind that everyone works at their own pace. I say, as long as he keeps the train rolling along he's doing great.

Gameplan- Just be sure to ALWAYS be stepping out of your comfort zone, if you say a 'hi' to somebody and it felt almost too easy, say something more, such as "how you doing?" This may add a little more discomfort to you, but that's exactly what you need. Before you know it, you'll be having full conversations.

Everytime something gets too easy, make it hard again. This will speed things up.

 

[GamePlan]

After my first day of walking around getting eye contact with people I realized that i was going to be able to push the envelope much faster than the boot camp suggested. So after the first day I had my 50 Hi's

I guess my social anxiety was/is worse than your case then. It took me a couple of days walking around before I'd finally get out the first hi, when I first started.

I don't really think Im moving at a (too) slow pace, though. But thx for your input.

@Danny: Yeah I'm making sure I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone. I agree, that this is important.

 

[GamePlan]

Thanks for your input. I won't quit.

Or maybe, I will........

 

[Mintyfresh]

I guess my social anxiety was/is worse than your case then. It took me a couple of days walking around before I'd finally get out the first hi, when I first started.

I don't really think Im moving at a (too) slow pace, though. But thx for your input.

I assure you my social anxiety was/still is just as bad as yours. High school and my first year at college i never so much as opened my mouth even once. I had no friends because i was scared to speak to anybody. I still don't have many, but some is better than none.

The only difference between us is that i decided that i won't let fear control my actions any longer. Pure and simple, a social anxiety disorder is fear. What makes a man from a boy is how you deal with your fears. I'm scared as hell when i apporach girls, even now, the prospect of it is absolutely terrifying. However, i find that once I'm doing it its not so bad and actually rather managable even for a person like me.

I'm not trying to mock you for going so slow, I'm trying to motivate you to take more action than you have been.

To be completely honest. The DJ thing has not given me anything except the ability to fake confidence in the presence of others, my personality and anxities have not changed and probably never will. Yet, I am much happier at the end of the day knowing that I'm not some loser who is governed by his fear.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

GamePlan,

My investment on my own approach journal is about 30 minutes per day (if no successful approaches), or making an approach. It's important that you dont put too much time on this because it get pathetic if all you are doing with your day is approaching girls or struggling to approach girls. Your pace is just fine.

Just do something every day.

 

[GamePlan]

It hasn't been going very well as of late and I think I need to change my *game plan*. I'm gonna try to get used to saying Hi to chicks even if they don't look my way. I think I have to really focus on that, otherwise I only really get a chance to Hi a chick every 15 minutes or so, which isnt exactly productive.........

 

[lostwitness]

Yeah I think it's great that you're so motivated to do this. I believe I have more severe social anxiety than anyone here though. I've had to see a psychologist for a while, go through therapy, and right now I even have to take Xanax from time to time when I am really anxious plus I don't have any friends because I am so shy. It is pretty bad. But now I am slowly getting better and starting to expose myself... first starting with eye contact... then I'm working on smiling at people, and then I'll move up to actually saying hi and maybe even starting a conversation. It's really motivational to read some of this stuff though, so keep on going, and don't give up!

 

[everywomanshero]

I've done some research on this subject for classes. While it's good to hear about individual experiences, they are sometimes atypical.

The research says systematic, but continual action will reap results. People who tend to quit for long periods of time or flood themselves for short period of time, overall, have rather poor success rates at overcoming anxiety. Those who are most likely to have success continue to increase gradually their comfort levels over a long period of time.


Things you can begin doing:

Look around anytime you feel self-concious. ARe people really looking at you or are they worried about what *they* are doing? One study found that only a third of people in a class even noticed a student wearing a beary mantilow t-shirt.

WHen you feel like something will not go well, say "the only way I will ever really know is to try. Sometimes my thoughts have turned out to be irrational in the past, maybe I am just making a mountain out of a mole hill... let's find out"

As long as you are increasing your comfort zone and do not take long breaks, there is no way you can fail. This is like lifting weights. If you're 80lbs you cannot start out benching 400lbs, you will just end up hurt and quitting.

 

[GamePlan]

The research says systematic, but continual action will reap results. People who tend to quit for long periods of time or flood themselves for short period of time, overall, have rather poor success rates at overcoming anxiety. Those who are most likely to have success continue to increase gradually their comfort levels over a long period of time.

I don't mean to sound ****y, but I think it has a lot to do with discipline. I used to smoke for several years and succeeded to quit (though I could only get it done the 2nd attempt and it wasnt fun to say the least). I also worked out for several consecutive years and never really took a break from my schedule (unless I was ill). Whereas other friends of mine just won't quit smoking after trying it for a few days but then starting all over or work out for a month and then take a break of 2 months, etc.

That being said, I'm far from convinced, that I'll manage to overcome this (actually I had quit before..). But I hope I will. And I'm glad to see, that your research seems to agree with my approach LOL.

I think the difference between trying to bench 400lbs on the first day or doing approaches, right away, is the fact, that we all think "TECHNICALLY, it's so simple. You just walk up to a girl talk to her and that's it. Nothing hard about it?!?!"..though actually it is hard, but it sort of seems so close. Whereas nobody would expect to bench 400lbs right away, as they will think "wow thats A LOT of weight"..as they can see it right in front of their eyes.

What's your major? Psychology/Sociology?


@lostwitness: Ive seen a psychotherapist, before, too. And I used to be extremely shy, too..however I always had friends, because i was always into sports, I guess. One thing that's helped me tremendously was working out and bulking up. This might sound silly, but when youre towering over most people, I think it's easier to become confident..maybe because you realize that sometimes people are afraid of you (without any reason)

 

[GamePlan]

went outside..greeted about 4 people and one woman sitting at the bus station..and asked one person what time it was...hope I can do better tomorrow.

 

[GamePlan]

pretty much the same today. Boy was I wrong, when I was thinking, i only have to do it once and then will be able to do it most of the time...totally not like that.

Oh, I also walked through the park and there were 3 chicks sitting one of them approached me so I could take a photo of them, I said sure had her explain to me how that camera worked then I was like 'come on girls, smile a little', took the photo made a couple more jokes (one of them said the pic wasnt straight, the other one said it looked professional...) and continued to stroll through the park. I probably should have made more out of the situation. But then again only one of them was nice looking.

 

[everywomanshero]

Gameplan you seem to be making a lot of progress. A few weeks ago you probably weren't meeting any new girls or even going out where you could expect to conversate or say HI. Now you are. Just imagine if you keep this up for a year! How much easier and more comfortable you will feel greeting and approaching strangers.

One thing I think you could still improve on is the cognitive reframing. Instead of saying "man today sucked" I suggest comparing it to what you were doing 6 months ago and realize how much progress you've already made. You've already been opened at least once.

Here is something else that helped me alot, I got this from Swinggcat:

"No matter how she reacts, she's getting turned on". Remember that if anyone acts unfriendly, rude, or in other ways that make you uncomfortable. Learn to view everything through that frame and you will not only feel better, but have better interactions also.

Anywat great to see you're on the road to recovery.