GamePlan's Approaching Journal - Despite social phobia

[GamePlan]

Sure, approaching is my goal. But, I'm building my way up at the pace, I can. If it seems too slow for you just be glad you can do it faster and have less problems.

Gameplan you seem to be making a lot of progress. A few weeks ago you probably weren't meeting any new girls or even going out where you could expect to conversate or say HI. Now you are. Just imagine if you keep this up for a year! How much easier and more comfortable you will feel greeting and approaching strangers.

One thing I think you could still improve on is the cognitive reframing. Instead of saying "man today sucked" I suggest comparing it to what you were doing 6 months ago and realize how much progress you've already made.

Basically, I'm taking everywomanshero's advice. Last time somebody criticized me for taking it too slowly it made me feel bad about my rather slow speed. But knowing I'm doing as much as I can get myself to do and see I've been making quite some progress in the last 5 weeks, I couldn't care less about it knowing I'm persistent and will keep on keeping on and still have 4 months off of college. If I'm not approaching by then, I will feel bad about my situation, but I definitely will be.

 

[ElStud]

Yeah, but is you're anxiety that bad though? I go up to girls all the time and rarely get interest, but I still approach. I have approach anxiety too sometimes but in the end I can push myself to approach the girls. For instance, there was this one time in lunch where there was this group of hot girls I wanted to talk to, but I ceased up thinking "But... what if I mess up" and that crap. I thought about what it would be like if I never approached them or thought about approaching them tommorow. Then I thought about how much I would regret NOT approaching them and after a whole lunch period of seizing up.... I went in and approached them. Sure the approach was bad, but point is, I eventually got the balls to do it. If you want to see how that approach went check here. More recently, there was this Freya chick and track I wanted to talk to but then ceased up on. She was sitting waiting for her ride after school and I wanted to approach her but ceased up. She eventually went outside and I started walking thinking about approaching Freya, but making a bunch of excuses. Eventually I got the balls to do it and approached Freya. Yeah, the approach sucked but hey, I had the balls to do it. Even more recently there was this time when I wanted to approach a different group of chicks at lunch, but again seized up. Eventually I got the balls to do it, approached the chicks and it was a pretty good approach, because I actually got the group of girls interested. Bout' a week ago I approached this girl named Rachel and had almost no approach anxiety, sure she wasn't interested, but I approached her.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Here are just some thoughts about approaching on my key-jockey mode.

I have to see approaches like a roller-coaster ride.

The most scariest part of the roller-coaster is not the dip, it's the anxiety of what will happen after that climb to the top and just those few seconds when it starts to dip - that's when anxiety is at the highest, then you just continue on with the ride and feel good afterwards.

Same thing with chicks - you see one, you are climbing up the roller coaster ramp, when you make your approach, you are starting to dip, and then --- let the ride go where it takes you -- when it's done it will be over with a phone number or whatever else.

Maybe the best thing to work on approach anxiety is to go to an amusement park, go on a few roller-coasters or rides that you are scared of going on that you never went on, or try and fight another type of fear - and then see approaching in the same way.

 

[GamePlan]

Yeah, but is you're anxiety that bad though?

Yes, it is, I'm not making this up. I think many people on here think, that approaching anxiety = approaching anxiety (as in "hey Im afraid of doing this, too, but im still doing it!"). I have many friends who are afraid of approaching, too, but their cases aint as bad as mine thats for sure.

- When I was around 16-18, I couldn't speak in school anymore. This might sound strange, but if I had been asked to read something out loud, I simply wouldnt have been able to make a voice. Like when I got asked I just shook my head, once I was asked to read something out loud, I simply couldnt make a voice, the teacher thought i didnt know what to read and told me what to read (which happened to be another part of text) and all of a sudden I could read it. I had tried reading the other part before, but I simply couldnt open my mouth (nobody noticed but me of course). That made me skip class for over a year (not all the time, but most of it) until this speech problem was gone again and I felt more comfortable..

I didnt make this up. That was reality for me when I was 17. In certain social situations my speech was completely blocked for over a year and I couldn't say anything. And it was obviously caused by anxiety, as I had never any problems speaking when I was alone. I could go on about this, but it's really not easy.

But anyways, your comment made me realize, that I'll have to change this journal: Instead of writing down every little thing every day I go outside, I'll only post like every couple of days or once every week from now on. Hopefully, I'll have a bit more exciting stuff to report then hehe. (but keep in mind, that just because ill not be posting as much anymore, doesnt mean im not doing as much anymore @everyone).

I also realized, that I have to find a way to get an appartment in town really really fast and move out of my parents' house (I had lived elsewhere before, but couldnt stay there and have been living here for 3 months again). It's rather normal for a college student to still live with his parents here, but I really have to find an appartment in town as that way Ill be able to go outside multiple times a day without having to spend 40-50 minutes on the bus going to town+going back home. Also this would mean itd only take me 20-30 minutes to get to the big city close to me instead of over 1 hour. Plus, I'll not have this problem that I meet somebody I know in town every day and have to make stuff up about what im doing..and i have to get this done really really soon, because i have another 4 months before college starts again and the bad not-sunny weather arrives.

Also, I gotta get up early and go to town in the middle of the day not at 7 or 8 PM like the last 2 days.

 

[justAd1ck]

I think you are doing a great job...certainly a lot more than many people on this forum. A lot of people, including me, come here for advice and/or a quick boost but never really make an effort to do anything about it. Who cares if your pacing is slow, all that matters is that you're making the effort and seeing the improvement. Keep up the good work.

 

[GamePlan]

thx @justad1ck.

To be honest, sometimes (or actually often), I feel that Id love to be making progress more quickly...but unfortunately it doesnt work for me that way. I just hope, that like after each month I can see some REAL progress. As in..first just being able to hello strangers..and then after a month doing it with hot girls..and then after another month doing at least a couple of conversations, etc.

I have 4 months from now on. After that I have to go back to college and Ill have to study a lot for that, so my ultimate goal is being able to approach comfortably after those 4 months, so all Ill really have to do is keep on practicing after that instead of jumping through a lot of hoops.

I mean it's not like I enjoy going outside and walking around town for 2 (or way more) hours only to greet 2 or 3 people in the end. It could definitely be more fun LOL.

 

[GamePlan]

three things:

1. I know this might sound like I'm an overanalyzer, but when greeting people, it seems easier for me if I make a point of just having exhaled right before saying "Hi" or "Hello". I know one shouldn't have to think about this, but I don't live in a perfect world and am obviously very nervous in those situations (esp. with chicks) and if I just inhaled, the threshold of just saying it is harder for me. I'm not gonna search for any other things like that, but it seems to help me. Plus, it makes sure my voice won't sound overly nervous.

2. When I go to bed at night, I make a point of closing my eyes and trying to relive what I did during the day and make up for the chances I let slip by walking through all of this through my mind again and making a point of taking those chances, I didnt take..even if it's just in my mind. It only takes 5-10 mins, anyways.

3. I think setting goals is important, so I can't be like I'll do this..and then that....and after that..but I need clear goals even if I haven't "mastered" a step, yet. So my goal is: I'm gonna keep practicing hi'ing chicks until the end of this month. I plan to be comfortable at doing this by then. Honestly, I dont believe, Ill be overly comfortable at it by then, but on the first of july, I have to move on to the next chapter and start approaches/conversations! (while still doing the Hi'ing on the side).

 

[GamePlan]

Let me just take #1 back. That was a silly thought and I was wrong about it lol.

 

[GamePlan]

Damn, now I'm feeling dizzy for the third straight day, I feel like Im about to be sick if im not already...Ill still go outside and take a walk, but damn...I hate it when that happens. I was so motivated to get going again and what happens i get sick.

 

[GamePlan]

I'm not making a lot of progress right now (to put it mildly). I haven't hi'd a chick for a long while...

Yesterday when walking home, some thought sort of slapped me on the face...Im really making a fool out of myself. I'll not care about eye contact or not at all. Of course, I told me before, that EC wasn't necessary. But I really need to get the thought that I need to make EC before hi'ing chicks out of my head. Right now. Im gonna go out in an hour and my plan won't be trying to Hi a chick (or more than one), but my plan will be Hi'ing a chick, that does not look at me.

I need to get this done today and then spill out a few more Hi's over the next days, because at the beginning of July I want to start having actual conversations and making approaches.

Something positive, though: Yesterday I came home and didnt have a key (for the first time in years..) and nobody was at home..so I didnt have a choice, but take a walk..I walked around in this hospital area, where I had started the hi'ing thing b/c I wasnt confident enough to do it in town..I remember when I was starting out there, I did chicken out quite a lot..actually most of the time and didn't even hi folks in that quiet environment.

However, yesterday, I passed by 3 people and I hi'd any of them without any problem. A couple of months ago I would have probably passed most of them by and choked.

On July 1st when I want to start conversations, Ill go into this area and start conversations, there, because it'll be a good point to start (as it's easier for the beginning). But before I make any further plans I need to focus on what I'm about to do..and what I want to do until July 1st. The last days were really pretty dissapointing...

 

[GamePlan]

Yesterday, I went to town..was walking towards this HB8 in her early 30's and was gonna say something but choked..walked around for another 2 hours and greeted 3 or 4 people all of whom I greeted without eye contact.

I've come to the conclusion that I REALLY need to get this "she has to make eye contact so I can hi her" out of my head and I think it's kinda working. Actually the other day it really hit me and I was thinking "are you serious? you don't dare say hi or hello to a hot chick if she doesnt make eye contact? how ridiculous!".

I think when I finally start approaching (beginning of july..right now my plan is july 1st b/c I cant procrastinate much longer) I think EC will still be very important for me b/c well...it pretty much shows you that she wants to be talked to and all...but for saying Hi or Hello....lol come on that's really unnecessary.

I also made friends with the little brother of an acquaintance on the bus whom I had hardly known (just seen them together once) and I had no problems keeping the conversation going..mostly by talking about pet peeves and all..but at least Im getting more talkative.

Other than that I just went to the doctor said Hello to 1 person and had two good chances to Hi 2 good looking HBs but my excuse is it was too early in the morning and the doctor had just taken a blood sample so I wasnt in the mood..good excuse huh? Anyways I realized it actually wouldnt have been that hard to at least Hi one of them..

So now I still got 6 or 7 days to get this hi'ing chick thing down...

 

[GamePlan]

Walked around town for 2 hours. Greeted a couple of folks including one good looking woman and one HB5 who was jogging and both greeted me back. I think the "**** EC" attitude is really helping me a bit... simply because that way there are many more chances...

I also had a pretty chick almost ran into me look up to me and smile but unfortunately that happened when she was passing me by with her boyfriend lol.

Later on the bus (I took 2 buses) ..on the first one there was an HB6 who I sort of thought looked cute but she seemed to be ignoring me but as I kind of showed interest in her using body language and EC she more than reciprocated(is that a word?) it..and on the second bus pretty much the same thing happened with another HB6 though she initiated the eye contact and was less shy.
I also passed this chick by who was sitting at the bus station who I made very long eye contact with..but didnt say a thing because she had headphones plugged in.......

I really have to get started with actual approaches at the beginning of july and get in more than a couple of Hi's from HBs during the last days of june so I feel ready for that. I cant procrastinate no longer.

P.S.: I guess I will keep writing this journal every day or every other day, because I realize that way I stay more motivated and am more likely to really go outside every day.

 

[GamePlan]

Today was great. It started out pretty bad because it was raining and I had wanted to go to that other city..but I decided it wasnt worth all the hassle if its raining the whole time so I stayed in my own town and walked around in areas that I hadnt used for my journal here, yet (I hadnt thought of them as being good areas).

But anyways the "fvck EC" mindset is really helping me out when doing these Hi's and Hello's. I greeted probably 7-8 or so people one of them a girl. Doesnt sound like much but I can definitely feel that I might be get it over with this whole Hi and Hello thing by the beginning of July (and thus start approaching) if I keep on doing this every day for the last days of this month.

Sometimes I could really kick my ass though when I actually do get eye contact from a woman from when shes like multiple steps away from me and isnt looking away until she's past me...that happened to me once today, but at least I smiled.

I really cant wait to get it over with this and start the approaching.

 

[GamePlan]

I'm making a committement and a deadline, right now. Not just a "deadline" but a !!DEADLINE!!:

I still cant really get myself to greet hot chicks (all in all Ive done it like a handful of times or so in..I dont know how many tries), but on July 15th I WILL START APPROACHING HBs.

I'm going out every day until this day and try to get the hi'ing chicks part down..I probably wont get it completely down but I hope I can get at least a bit better at it and get a few of them out.

But on JULY 15TH - AT THE VERY LATEST, I WILL START APPROACHING and only do the Hi-stuff on the side.

Matter of fact I hope I feel ready to do this earlier, b/c its really building up inside of me and saying I dont enjoy walking around town for hours just to get out a few Hi's would be the understatement of the century. It really sucks and its boring but I have to push myself...

Anyways, July 15th is the very latest, that Ill start doing that. My absolute final un-procrastinatable DEADLINE.

That'll leave me with another 2 and a half months to actually learn approaching (when sober).

P.S.: Actually Im so tired of this that maybe Ill start doing it earlier..but I think this is the best way..and the deadline of july 15h cannot be taken back anymore....2 and a half months will have been enough preparation....

 

[GamePlan]

Today, I finally hi'd a chick again who was sitting somewhere with her dogs (the animals not slang ). Think this is kinda worth mentioning it because i havent done that in quite a while now..........but if i can just get another couple such Hi's out until july 15th, it'll be all good as my goal isnt being able to say "hi" to chicks but to approach them.

So like I said Im gonna move on to the next chapter on july 15th.

 

[GamePlan]

Yesterday I went to a club with my friends. I had to take the bus to get to my friend's place first. There were a couple of young guys at the bus station and my (17 or 18yr old) neighbor had a party that evening or something.

2 months or so ago I probably wouldnt have said a thing and just ignored them as if they werent there (what basically most people would do I guess), but I started talking to them asking if they had been at my neighbor's house blabla. Was kinda fun.

I have to see it's only a very small step, but its kinda cool to see that in such situations it actually feels more normal to talk to people than to act as if they weren't there.

At the club I made a point of making eye contact multiple times and sometimes I did get EC back from some nice chicks...but waking up this morning I realized I had been more than a wuss..or well I wasnt really prepared to follow up..actually I probably hadnt even planned it. Maybe itll go better today.

my july 15h deadline still exists, btw.

 

[GamePlan]

Remember my committement July 15th? FUKC THAT!

I'm gonna start tomorrow.

Remember how I whined about some chick who was obviously into me during this festival thing (a month ago)? I "finally" saw her again today..and another guy was dancing with her and stuff - and I dont even have a bad case of oneitis yet (thank god), but the fact that some random chick dancing with some other guy is getting to me even a little bit...it's RIDICULOUS

That's what I like this forum for. I think most people are exaggerating with their playa ways and all...but just reading it a bit puts me back in place and makes me ask myself "you're gonna get some oneitis before? on some chick you dont even know? Are you out of your mind fool?" lol..

So anyways from tomorrow until sunday of next week (8 days) Im gonna try to get in my first true conversation with a nice chick. If I cannot pull it off - and Ill be damned if I cannot pull it off - Ill do one more week of trying to "hi" chicks....the week that Im skipping right now. but Ill be Damned if I dont get at least one conversation with some chick.

I just realized that Im probably procrastinating again..Im setting myself a deadline..july 15th whatever when I should start RIGHT NOW.

Chances are Ill have to write another wuss post à la "I didnt do it" in another 8 days, but at least I will have tried.

Stay on your toes the next 8 days are gonna be exciting..and pray for me...

the guy who finally realized that "saying Hi" is only meant to be a step not an end in itself...and Im starting to wonder whether it might actually be easier for me to have a conversation with an HB than to pass her by saying "Hi"...

 

[GamePlan]

Okay so I went out to town from 8:30 PM to 11 PM (I had a hangover from yesterday..) and this is what happened:

said hi to a 2 folks to get warmed up.

Went passed a house at the windows of which (upper floor) there were 2 chicks who were obviously watching me (and probably other ppl passing by..) i turned around after walking past it and the better looking girl of the two was looking at me and started to giggle a bit but i was already a bit far so decided to talk to them when i'd get back.

Only problem being I procrastinated too long thinking about what I could say and then they werent there anymore...

Then I walked passed a woman (30's) and greeted her she greeted me back.

Then I saw 2 HB5's or so and was looking at them passing them by they had a bottle of wine and one of them went "excuse me excuse me can you help us with this" so I helped them and talked to them a bit and left. Does this count as a convo? I wouldnt say so as I wasnt the one who started it, but other than that its better than nothing and an okay start, I guess.

A few things I noticed today..making up my mind while wandering around town. There are a few things that make it harder/easier to start a conversation with strangers/chicks:

1) how you feel about yourself..if you're not at ease and think the clothes your wearing suck or feel like you're ugly or whatever that obviously makes it harder (that should be a non-brainer, though). In other words going out with nice clothes on and all definitely helps, b/c you feel like youre more attractive (and probably are).

2) how "scared" you are of a person. Easier to make a conversation with a senior citizen than to make a conversation with an HB10 that you put on a pedestal..or a mean mugging guy with tattoos all over him.

3) IOI's..obviously...and I think its way easier to get them if the atmosphere is relaxed. Today was a sunday evening and I went out to town and its probably the most laid back atmosphere that ever is here..nobody is in a rush whatsoever... I think I realized that walking through town during the day (during the week) when most people are in a rush wasn't a very good approach..but then again I was only doing Hi's and I didnt really have a choice.

This is really the only one that I think helps a great deal, though:

4) If there is any "context" for a conversation...basically a reason for you to talk to her. Stopping a chick thats walking your way and starting a conversation with her isnt something I would feel comfortable about right now.

However when I see two chicks sitting at the bus station and nobody else being there Im sure I would have good chances of starting a conversation with them as it would actually feel more normal for me to talk to them then to act as if they werent there...

So thats basically how I plan on getting in the first few conversations..by going places/finding situations where I have a "reason" to talk to them (a reason other than "Excuse me what time is it?").


Okay..this was enough overanalyzing...but I think this can really help b/c theres no way Ill stop a chick on the street and talk to her tomorrow but I can go to a store and look for swimming trunks and ask one of the sales assistans which one she thinks looks best and flirt a bit and ask her whether she goes to the swimming pool, too in summer b/c I havent seen here there (blablabla) I guess you get the point.

Or...start a conversation at the gym.

Or..even if this sounds silly..take a couple of random busses (I have a ticket for the whole year anyways..) and make sure I walk past a lot of bus stations and whenever I see a chick there look at when the bus is coming (I know where most busses go in my city) sit down and say something to her and start a quick conversation. (or talk to some on the train..)

Or do the same at the indoor swimming pool (there are never too many people and always chances to talk to some girl at some point..) during winter

Obviously this is easier written than done, but it will still be a lot easier right now than doing it without any "context" without any "reason" for a conversation...

Another great idea for starting a conversation might be going to town during noon break (is that the right expression?) the other day when I was doing the hi-thing I saw this chick who was relaxed and it was obviously during her break..sitting on a parking bench just relaxing...

the bottom line though is that I need some "context" for the approach. It's all about baby steps and gradual improvement. And now its about time I move on from the hi-thing...though I think it has helped me a lot going out almost every day for 2 months and doing that (as ****ing dry as it was...)

 

[GamePlan]

Can anybody confirm that its easier to start conversations with some kind of "context"?

Is any of you guys that was here when I started this journal still lurking? Just curious...

 

[GamePlan]

Today was a catastrophy..didnt get nothing done.

At night I walked to the gym there were some guys standing at the traffic light with their bikes I passed by them (at a distance) and the one guy sort of slid from his standing position and almost failed..i hesitated quickly and wasnt going to say anything but then just turned around and went "Everything okay?" and he sort of confirmed that everything was okay but was obviously a bit embarrassed that I had said something about it.

Actually I liked that feeling lol, because some time ago I wouldnt have said anything and if I had said anything and he had reacted the way he did I would have sort of felt embarrassed..but i didnt knowing it was actually him who was a bit embarrassed.

Later at the gym I had to hurry (to catch the bus..i get there by bus+walking) and must have seemed sort of hectic and what happens..the guy next to me goes "Everything okay?" just as I had said to the other guy an hour earlier..I was sort of confused by that coincidence but just went "oh yeah...dont worry lol just in a rush".

Okay, but...so what I plan on doing now is going out just like I did every day and try to get conversations done (which I didnt today...), but Ill also do the occasional Hi's..Actually I think Ill do it sort of like this: trying to get conversations for 2 hours..and then do another 20-30 minutes of walking around just to get some Hi's in...I think that's a good idea just to be on the safe side and not lose what Ive already learned..in case Ill take some time until Im getting the conversations done...

Tomorrow, I think Im gonna start by trying to talk to sales assistants..asking them to help me with some stuff or whatever...and also I think I should walk up to a lot of chicks and just ask them "what time it is (I dont have my cellphone on me blabla)" I have done this before once or twice and think doing that multiple times should help me get started with this approaching thing...(though I dont plan on doing this one for too long)