GamePlan's Approaching Journal - Despite social phobia

[GamePlan]

Okay, so I went out today (at 7 PM) did a few Hi's (or was it just one? not important..) then I went through this park and saw that HB4 or so sitting on a parking bench. She was 20m away from the path I was walking so I couldnt say something to her just passing her by but would have needed to actually walk up to her.

I didn't and was contemplating to play it cool keep walking my path for a few meters (until Id be outside the park) then come back 5 mins later walk up to her and say "you already drinking for tonight?lol" - seems strange but she was really sitting there drinking something that looked like an alcoholic drink from the distance. She would have replied something funny back I would have made a bit fun of her (in a friendly way) and then just said I'm a bit in a rush and leave again..all while being nice and friendly of course.

I chickened out again.

But I don't find this too bad, because at least it showed me that I would have been possible to really pull that off today. It was really..well doable..even if I didn't do it..it did seem a lot less hard to do than I thought it would.

Plus, I already learned a thing:

3 second rule. Or better NO HESITATION RULE. I have to become more spontaneous. If I had not thought too much but just walked her way instead of continuing to walk straight, this wouldn't have been hard. Not at all.
In such a situation I really shouldn't think, that might be the key to getting my first actual approach...but at least my mind is realizing it aint that bad.

Later on I went to a friend's house, where a friend of his girlfriend came over and I was pretty talkative with her, too (she got a boyfriend though so i didnt make any moves but just used the occasion to talk)

 

[On Point]

Dude, you seem to be reinforcing your bad habits. Thinking about the 3 second rule doesn't do you much good if you don't use it. You have got to make it something you use every time, not something you think about and selectively apply. Live by that rule.

If you can't do it in a park or whatever pick easier conversations. Talk to an employee in a bookstore or whatever, but get going and start reinforcing good habits.

 

[Agent Zero]

It's been 2 months and you haven't really gotten far. You need to take a jump. Just go direct and get it over with. You'll see you have nothing to fear. "Hi" is not effective IMO as it's completely different from an actual approach.

 

[GamePlan]

Please calm down guys for somebody with my initial problems I think I've gotten very far. Initially I couldn't even imagine myself saying Hi or Hello to any senior citizen who'd probably not even hear it. I was also unable to make a voice/speak in school for quite some time during my teens, b/c of anxiety.


I dont mean to complain, but I really feel like most people on here just don't get how hard this stuff can be for somebody who really has social anxiety/phobia and is not just using the term social anxiety/phobia synonymous with being a bit on the shy side.... Probably because they simply can't relate to it, as they never had any such problems.

Now, I can say Hello to pretty much everybody (other than chicks) not just senior citizens and feel at ease at doing it. I still have lots of problems saying Hi to chicks Im just passing by (done it only a handful of times so far), but in my last posts you can see that I noticed there wasn't much point in trying to become perfect or whatever at saying "His" to chicks, but that I should move on to doing conversations finally.

I said I was gonna start aiming for conversations starting on july 15th and I actually started (trying) a week earlier than I had told myself, I would...and that's what I'm gonna do now. However I have to say this whole Hi thing has helped me a great deal. Baby steps..need I say more?

As for applying the 3-second rule selectively. I dont do that. I had never really thought about this 3-second rule or whatever before..and I guess I wont think of it as any "rule". I just realized that I chickened out in that situation, because I hesitated too much and that I shouldnt have done that...and realized that if I hadnt hesitated but just walked her way things would have worked out. Actually I dont think thats reinforcing bad habits, but a positive reframing of my mind, as I realized it would have been that easy.

 

[GamePlan]

Still thx for your input, though.

Today I went to town got on the bus and there were 2 chicks 1 was pretty hot the other one average and I should have just said something/whatever to them, but didnt. My bad.

Later on I got myself something to eat at subway's and made a point of being a bit more talkative by saying stuff like just put all the vegetables on it, I eat all of it..it's healthy after all or isn't it? blabla.

Then I went outside it was raining and I saw 20 meters from where I was this pretty hot chick was standing alone at the bus station. I thought about what I could say to her...then went her way at another 3 people were there all of a sudden looking up the busses and all..which made me choke once again, I still sat down there she checked me out and make brief eye contact when I came there and another 2 times while I was sitting there, but I felt kind of silly starting a conversation after not having said anything when first arriving there. I'm not reinforcing bad habits, but Im realizing that there's actually a point in not hesitating but saying something right away and being spontaneous. It was a mistake, but I learned from it and chances are at some point (hopefully sooner or later) I will have overcome this inital problem of hesitating instead of saying something right away. I consider it a good thing.

Oh and..I'll really regret that for quite some time b/c that girl was actually pretty hot and had the nicest ass I've seen in a while LOL...

 

[ElStud]

Well what can I say, by seizing up on these chicks and "feeling awkward" about talking to people in certain situations, it's not helping you get over your phobia. The only way you're going to improve is to get out of your comfort zone. If you don't get out of your comfort zone, you're never going to improve.

 

[Agent Zero]

The thing is "hi" and small talk aren't even in the same ballpark as approaches. All you need is a line like "are you single" and then you just have to do it once and that will do more than saying "hi" to everyone you see.

 

[On Point]

I'm glad to hear that you've made good progress.

If you approach people within three seconds of seeing them things will get MUCH easier for you. Now that you're aware of this do it. Practice on a statue or do what you need to do, but in my experience that change will help you a great deal. If you hesitate and let yourself think about it you will struggle.

We want to see you succeed and get over your AA. That's why we push you and get impatient.

As for applying the 3-second rule selectively. I dont do that. I had never really thought about this 3-second rule or whatever before..and I guess I wont think of it as any "rule". I just realized that I chickened out in that situation, because I hesitated too much and that I shouldnt have done that...and realized that if I hadnt hesitated but just walked her way things would have worked out. Actually I dont think thats reinforcing bad habits, but a positive reframing of my mind, as I realized it would have been that easy.

 

[GamePlan]

The thing is "hi" and small talk aren't even in the same ballpark as approaches. All you need is a line like "are you single" and then you just have to do it once and that will do more than saying "hi" to everyone you see.

I dont really have any problems with doing small talk if I get into a position where I can talk with the person/chick. I dont have a problem interacting with a chick if I meet one at a friend's house or party through friends and talking with her.

My main problem is getting over the actual "approach" part of approaching, not the talking part. I really just have huge issues initiating the first actual contact. I know I cant expect anybody to be reading this whole thread (as long as it has gotten lol) but in the beginning I used to mention that a couple of times actually. That's why I was so big on this whole "Hi" thing.

We want to see you succeed and get over your AA. That's why we push you and get impatient.

Thanks! Actually that sounds pretty encouraging...even though impatience is not a virtue j/k

 

[GamePlan]

first actual conversation, today.

During the last 1-2 weeks I didnt do much, because i had to study hard..today was the test and I now have another 2 months before college starts again. On my way home on the subway I saw this chick standing by herself..then she was in the subway and i almost felt as if it wouldnt have been all that bad to say something to her about school or college being out or whatever..of course I didnt..but I didnt really make an effort i was just glad the test was over.

Later I saw her miss her train (the same one I was gonna take just one train later as i noticed i wouldnt get in anymore) and sort of contemplated saying something about her missing the train and that i missed it, too blabla. However she wasnt there anymore.

On the train I sat down on one of thse 4-seats (exp?..2 times 2 seats facing each other) asked her if the seat was still free she said yes..then some insane person got on the bus complaining how getting on the train in the middle sucked (ive seen him before hes probably really insane..i actually feel bad for him) the girl glanced at me briefly when that guy passed us by speaking to himself and I went "he's always like that" she said "yeah, he probably is?" and I said "ah no I didnt mean it like that..Ive been on the train before with him getting on the train, so Im not surprised by his talking to himself he did that last time, too". No idea what she said but I saw she didnt just have a backpack like myself or a small bag, but a suitcase so I looked at it and said something like "long trip?lol" and talked to her a tad bit.

She wasnt really my type so I didnt try harder and after a while when our conversation came to an end I just let it end and finally put in my headphones that I was gonna put in before I started that conversation with her. I think it was an easy situation, but the cool thing about it is that I realized that this train station / the train ride / the subway station / ride..etc. thats a great place to practice approaching..and thatll actually be my way to college every day (40 minutes and back)..

that should give me enough chances to practice approaching without actually spending time on it (as I wont have time to walk around town all day long when Im back in college..trying not to drop out again), b/c I will have these 1 1/2 hours every day anyways..even if most of it is a train ride..but if Im used to approaching and starting conversations a bit more by then (in 2 months) then it should be no problem and even fun at the same time (a long train ride+subway ride usually sucks, right?)

 

[GamePlan]

Okay, so like 2 months ago or so I quit doing the hi thing and went out (almost) every day to make conversations. You wont believe it, but I wasnt able to do it even a single time (except at the bus stop with non-females). So a few days ago college started for me again and I thought: Great...5 months of work and trying to push myself to my limits and now it was all in vain, because Ill either continue to work on that or continue college (which wouldnt leave me with enough time). I also hadnt done public speaking for 7 years and wasnt even sure if Id be able to ever finish college b/c of my terrible fear of public speaking.

During my last 2 days in college (the first 2 days), I started a conversation with 3 chicks (all in the 1st semester as I am) one of them the only one who I think is really hot. I had caught her checking me out before and did the same to her, then once looked away in a shy way (my old ways I know..), but then met her outside of college when she was leaving and started a quick conversation with her (which didnt last long as I had to catch my train, but Ill see that hb again multiple times each week so it shouldnt be a problem.
On my way home (train, bus, ...) there were another 3 situations where I was really just an inch from starting conversations with other chicks (who were checking me out..I admit they were more 6's than 10's but its still great and Im sure this will get even a lot better). Actually, I think Im more spontaneous when it comes to starting conversations with chicks by now than the average guy I know is (though Im still far from great)..and you wouldnt believe it, but going out every day exposing myself to these social anxiety situations and preparing me to get ready to go to toastmasters (an organization where they practice public speaking) to overcome my public speaking phobia got me to a point where I simply thought "chill and just do it" when I was asked to speak in front of a group (25 people) on my first day in college and have done so another 2 times by now and actually think Im less hesitant to do it, now than the average guy I know is.

To be honest 3 days ago I was wondering if Id ever get to such a point and then bang everything just worked out great. For some otherreasons my life is still in an incredibly messed up situations but overcoming these 2 problems during the last 2 days makes it look a bit less negative.

 

[Jukeboxhero]

Hey Gameplan!

Sounds like you're making a little bit of progress. Just keep at it, and don't worry...You're not the Only person with problems like that. I'm not the most social guy either, so I'm also trying to work on my conversational skills, especially when it comes to starting random conversations with complete strangers. Right now I have a job that requires me to drive people around in a van, so that helps a lot because people are usually eager to have a conversation as opposed to just sitting quietly for 15-20min.

I have a few other suggestions that I'm going to try myself and that might help you.

--Start commenting on random things that a person is wearing, driving, using, doing...here are some examples.
"Nice T-shirt...where did you get that?"
"Awesome Car, what year is that?" or "Is that X car, I love that car"

--Wear something that people might comment on, like an unusual outfit or accessory OR a T-shirt with a popular band or sports team. I've got comments from people on shirts that I was wearing featuring a team or band they liked. This will help other people think of ways to start conversations with you, so you don't have to do all the work. I think this would work really well if you think girls are checking you out.

--Ask someone their opinion about something, but try to make it honest and genuine, but if you can't think of anything better, you might even try canned lines like "Who do you think lies more, men or women?"---but I would try to shift towards opinions that you are genuinely interested in.

Anyways, I think I can come up with more stuff. But try those for now...I gotta go to work. Keep it up man, you'll get over it eventually, as long you keep putting yourself in social situations.

 

[Snow Plowman]

Read last two pages and I realized how bizarre this is...

5 months!? and you still haven't really opened anyone? Your problem is more common than you think.

For one I can tell your not having fun at all and your not even looking at all this as fun because you would've already been opening chicks. Also it seems like you have an outcome in mind of how you want the approach to go when you open a chick which is always going to fuk you up.

There are so many things I can go into as to why you should approach and how women are dieing to get approached but that is a whole post in itself.

All I'm saying is grab your fuking balls and just go out and make it your goal to just open a chick whether its asking the time or asking her if your outfit matches.

You only live one fuking time you are only holding your own self back by not facing these challenges. Stop trying to stay in your comfort zone and just jump out there.

 

[nightcrawler]

I'm also trying to better myself. I came across this site about 3 weeks ago and took Pook's stuff to heart.

First off I've noticed that strangers are greeting me more than usual. I guess that my face looks more welcoming?

people in general seem to enjoy having me around. I'll admit I talk lots of crap:crackup: and that seems to keep them around me.

I also get some attention from girls, though I still don't got the courage to ask them for a # (I CAN approach them however....they seem to enjoy talking to me.) Basically I think I'm too ugly for them (I know it's stupid but it's the truth) so I never do a "close" )

I still got lots of self esteem issues to work out but they seem fixable.

 

[GamePlan]

I made 1 successful approach on tuesday (bus station at college) and 2 successful approaches today (by successful approach I mean initiating a conversation with a girl I had never seen before and making a long conversation). Actually only one of them made eye contact with me before I approached her, but luckily all three of them seemed to enjoy talking with me.
What I find most surprising is that I have absolutely no problem of keeping a long conversation going: my last approach today was on a 24year old girl Id consider an 8 and I was waiting with her at the rail station for about 30 mins until the train was there and another 20 minutes on the train and kept the conversation going the whole time. I simply talk to them as if I had known them for all my life.

It's taken me almost half a year to get to this point, but I keep on improving. Like Ive stated before, I think many people dont really know what it's like to have severe social anxiety and think Im doing this way too slowly. I know I havent been doing it very fast, but Ive been doing it as fast as I could (even though 95% of the people on here probably wont understand b/c they never had real social anxiety problems and thus cant relate to it).

Everybody who feels like saying Im still doing it too slowly please don't say anything the negative feedback really doesnt help. Only do that if Im making a post again in 2 or so months and am not approaching at least 5 hot chicks every week.

I only update it every other week or month or now, because listing every single detail is just a waste of time I must admit, but this post is here to stay believe me