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Did your wife/ex-wife change after kids?

highSpeed

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So when you brought the drastic changes in your relationship to her attention, when you communicated that things had changed, told her what you felt had changed, and that you were unhappy, what was her reply/explanation?
She literally doesn't care. She knows I'm not leaving because of the kids. I've said I'm getting a girlfriend before and she's told me to go ahead, knowing full well that I most likely have no intention of actually doing it because if I get busted, she's got all the ammunition she needs to destroy me.
 

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R

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In general, having a baby is something a couple is usually woefully unprepared for. Society completely romanticizes the idea of nurturing children, but the reality is so very drastically different.

Bringing a child into the relationship exacerbates/highlights all of the issues in a marriage.

Of course the dynamics of the relationship are going to change. These changes are compounded by the amount of external support the couple has (general intelligence, commitment to each other, familial support, friend groups, etc)

The question is, HOW are the adults going to handle the changes?

When you guys discuss topics here, you never do a deep dive. It's always selfish surface b1tching.

Yeah, yea, I get the "this is a man's site!" Argument. But refusing to do a deep dive on topics, to really understand why sh1t happens, never really sheds light, or understanding, or solves the issues. It leaves you in EXACTLY the same spot you were before - and IIRC you were unhappy about that spot.
Deep diving in this subject is nothing more than leading a man to a compromise.
I don’t b!tch and I like women even more than ever.

Only a fool “deep dives” into a sudject like this if he is a man. It’s a dead end. Why? Because the result is the same it’s just that he has now been convinced that he should play along because it’s his man-up position.

The OP wants a marriage with children and he has asked a very legitimate question. “Talking” will never solve the problem...he doesn’t want the intimacy and connection to fall off when his wife has a child. But it will happen. There are volumes of observable and scientific data to support this assertion. In fact how he handles it will dictate the relationship from that point forward.

“There is no upside for a man in a marriage.”
 

sazc

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"typical female shaming tactics" such a fvckin cop out. Enjoy stagnation
 

sazc

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She literally doesn't care. She knows I'm not leaving because of the kids. I've said I'm getting a girlfriend before and she's told me to go ahead, knowing full well that I most likely have no intention of actually doing it because if I get busted, she's got all the ammunition she needs to destroy me.
Wow, you're relationship is really off in the ditch. Sorry to hear that.
 

sazc

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Deep diving in this subject is nothing more than leading a man to a compromise.
I don’t b!tch and I like women even more than ever.

Only a fool “deep dives” into a sudject like this if he is a man. It’s a dead end. Why? Because the result is the same it’s just that he has now been convinced that he should play along because it’s his man-up position.

The OP wants a marriage with children and he has asked a very legitimate question. “Talking” will never solve the problem...he doesn’t want the intimacy and connection to fall off when his wife has a child. But it will happen. There are volumes of observable and scientific data to support this assertion. In fact how he handles it will dictate the relationship from that point forward.

“There is no upside for a man in a marriage.”
The quality of any marriage is equal to the sum total of both people in the marriage.
 
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lamath

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For me it was the same, kids gave her the permission to take over the decision making for our family and our relationship.

However i think i have to take some blame here for what happened because i let her do exactly that.

From the start i gave her the authority on lots of stuff concerning the kids and i think that was my mistake, it got to her head that i was not able make the best decision for the kids because of it.
Gave her even more power.

Now ik for the future, ill insist on having a say om every decision.

I did not take the lead with family life and i think this was the reason for the decline of our relationship.
 

highSpeed

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Deep diving in this subject is nothing more than leading a man to a compromise.
I don’t b!tch and I like women even more than ever.

Only a fool “deep dives” into a sudject like this if he is a man. It’s a dead end. Why? Because the result is the same it’s just that he has now been convinced that he should play along because it’s his man-up position.

The OP wants a marriage with children and he has asked a very legitimate question. “Talking” will never solve the problem...he doesn’t want the intimacy and connection to fall off when his wife has a child. But it will happen. There are volumes of observable and scientific data to support this assertion. In fact how he handles it will dictate the relationship from that point forward.

“There is no upside for a man in a marriage.”
Couldn't agree more. My conversations usually center around what I do wrong, what I need to change, how unhappy she is without any thought to what she may need to do differently and what she may need to change. It almost goes in any other direction than a deep dive on me, not a deep dive on the relationship or a deep dive on her. My conversations usually center around talking me in circles until I cry uncle and admit I'm wrong. We need to talk is code for "We need to give you a verbal beat down now because I'm unhappy about something".
 
R

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Couldn't agree more. My conversations usually center around what I do wrong, what I need to change, how unhappy she is without any thought to what she may need to do differently and what she may need to change. It almost goes in any other direction than a deep dive on me, not a deep dive on the relationship or a deep dive on her. My conversations usually center around talking me in circles until I cry uncle and admit I'm wrong. We need to talk is code for "We need to give you a verbal beat down now because I'm unhappy about something".
That’s exactly what this conversation is now asserting. “You are wrong, don’t understand or your quality is under question”
 

highSpeed

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For me it was the same, kids gave her the permission to take over the decision making for our family and our relationship.

However i think i have to take some blame here for what happened because i let her do exactly that.

From the start i gave her the authority on lots of stuff concerning the kids and i think that was my mistake, it got to her head that i was not able make the best decision for the kids because of it.
Gave her even more power.

Now ik for the future, ill insist on having a say om every decision.

I did not take the lead with family life and i think this was the reason for the decline of our relationship.
I agree with the sentiment of what you say but that's tough to really do. Look, I work long hours to have a pretty decent career. I do my best to be at most, if not all, of the kid's activities. I do my best to help with the household activities. I literally don't have time to be involved in every single thing that occurs with the relationship that I would like and/or should. Some amount of power has to be ceded to her to do what she needs to do. That power should be wielded with care, caution and respect, I shouldn't have to say that. If I have to watch everything, I say, everything I do, everything I think, it's impossible to think that I can actually preserve the quality of the relationship to any real degree. It's like sleeping with one eye open all the time, impossible to do that if you don't have someone watching your back.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Who's saying that it does?
People assume cause they dont "feel" as sexy or the mood aint as strong that sex doesnt matter cause of the kids. Taking care of a husbands needs is part of taking care of your family.
 
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lamath

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Couldn't agree more. My conversations usually center around what I do wrong, what I need to change, how unhappy she is without any thought to what she may need to do differently and what she may need to change. It almost goes in any other direction than a deep dive on me, not a deep dive on the relationship or a deep dive on her. My conversations usually center around talking me in circles until I cry uncle and admit I'm wrong. We need to talk is code for "We need to give you a verbal beat down now because I'm unhappy about something".
Good representation of how it was for me too.
However i was lucky she has a great job, so me leaving did actually help me on the finance side of things.

Because she was the one telling me to pay all the bills because she had a student loan to pay back..
 

highSpeed

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That’s exactly what this conversation is now asserting. “You are wrong, don’t understand or your quality is under question”
That's why I always give more credence to people who've been through the sh*t rather than someone who hasn't. Most guys on here, including me, we know the real deal as it relates to marriage and kids. I love my kids. I love having kids. I despise the scenario that most relationships take on once kids are involved though. It reduces the man to nothing more than a paycheck with a pair of legs.
 

highSpeed

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Good representation of how it was for me too.
However i was lucky she has a great job, so me leaving did actually help me on the finance side of things.

Because she was the one telling me to pay all the bills because she had a student loan to pay back..
You know, I'd accept a reflection on what I need to do differently or if she thought I was wrong about something if there was actually some kind of reciprocation. Without that, it's a glorified b*tch session from someone who has no real intention of doing anything on their part to make the relationship any better.

I'd literally fall out of my f*cking chair if I heard her say anything anywhere near, "I may be wrong but I think this", as I usually do when making any type of declarative statement. I reserve the right to be wrong but from my perspective, this is what I think. It leaves open some room for discussion as it relates to a disagreement. She is always, "I'm right, you're wrong, here's what's going to happen". It literally drives me right up the f*cking wall. It takes all I have some days to not put my fist through a door, window, wall, whatever is near that I can destroy.
 

highSpeed

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The quality of any marriage is equal to the sum total of both people in the marriage.
No, it is the sum total of the willingness of the person with the most power in the relationship to behave like a loving, caring, adult who actually gives a sh*t whether or not the relationship succeeds and survives.
 

lamath

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I agree with the sentiment of what you say but that's tough to really do. Look, I work long hours to have a pretty decent career. I do my best to be at most, if not all, of the kid's activities. I do my best to help with the household activities. I literally don't have time to be involved in every single thing that occurs with the relationship that I would like and/or should. Some amount of power has to be ceded to her to do what she needs to do. That power should be wielded with care, caution and respect, I shouldn't have to say that. If I have to watch everything, I say, everything I do, everything I think, it's impossible to think that I can actually preserve the quality of the relationship to any real degree. It's like sleeping with one eye open all the time, impossible to do that if you don't have someone watching your back.
i agree this should not be an issue, you would think that someone with good judgement would get it.
The power balance is very hard to maintain when kids get involved, it should not be a struggle but for most it is.


I got a friend with 2 kids and a wife barely working, he makes the money.
When wife nags him to do some house cleaning, he just refuse and tell her im working 70hr per week for us to have a decent living, kids goes to day care 2 days a week household stuff is your job.




I do believe that after a while things cant be fix, bad relationship dynamics that build up over many years are almost impossible to get rid off
 
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sazc

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People assume cause they dont "feel" as sexy or the mood aint as strong that sex doesnt matter cause of the kids. Taking care of a husbands needs is part of taking care of your family.
Understood. The whole dynamic is so much larger than just this statement tho.

Children introduce pressure and stress. How a couple deals with that pressure and stress will dictate the everyday quality of the marriage.

No gender is at fault here. As @Ranger has been advocating lately, you grow up with ideals, and you don't realize you are being sold a bill of goods until it's too late.

Story most of you probably don't know: an infant wakes up every three hours to eat. This will occur until you sleep train them after 9 weeks, or wait till they sleep train themselves (usually after 3 months). If a woman is breastfeeding, this means she most likely (because NAWALT) will become sleep deprived by 2 weeks in. If communication is poor between the couple she won't ask for help and she may feel resentful, angry, tired, used, etc. This begins the slide and decay of a relationship. Recoverable? Yes, but it takes work.

Of course there's "more" to every "story", but that's a quick synopsis to illustrate how an infant changes things.

I've long believed that women in society fail young girls (and boys) by not being honest about how difficult having a baby is. I feel that, of we were honest about it, teen pregnancy would go down, mate selection would improve (at least in this area) and better, more open communication of needs would occur between partners.

At least, if the topic of starting a family was discussed from the "that's going to be really hard on us, can we handle it well? Can we come together? How are we going to come together?" Couples might have a better survival rate - and the intimacy/needs that are required to keep boning will be met.
 
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highSpeed

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Understood. The whole dynamic is so much larger than just this statement tho.

Children introduce pressure and stress. How a couple deals with that pressure and stress will dictate the everyday quality of the marriage.

No gender is at fault here. As @Ranger has been advocating lately, you grow up with ideals, and you don't realize you are being sold a bill of goods until it's too late.

Story most of you probably don't know: an infant wakes up every three hours to eat. This will occur until you sleep train them after 9 weeks, or wait till they sleep train themselves (usually after 3 months). If a woman is breastfeeding, this means she most likely (because NAWALT) will become sleep deprived by 2 weeks in. If communication is poor between the couple she won't ask for help and she may feel resentful, angry, tired, used, etc. This begins the slide and decay of a relationship. Recoverable? Yes, but it takes work.

Of course there's "more" to every "story", but that's a quick synopsis to illustrate how an infant changes things.

I've long believed that women in society fail young girls (and boys) by not being honest about how difficult having a baby is. I feel that, of we were honest about it, teen pregnancy would go down, mate selection would improve (at least in this area) and better, more open communication of needs wild occur between partners
Again, cop out. I stay up late all the time to get work done that I didn't get done during the day so that I could participate in the family activities and be present as a father. I literally lost count a long time ago how many times my wife put the kids to bed, went to sleep and I'm down in my office working until 12-1-2 am to get work done. That didn't make me less horny or cranky the next morning because I got 3-4-5 hours sleep. It's an excuse for bad behavior. Could I be p*ssed off that I was ignored or less likely to do my work to take care of my family because my wife was ignorant, self centered and caring only about herself and the kids? No, I'm resentful but I still do what I need to do to the best of my ability.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Understood. The whole dynamic is so much larger than just this statement tho.

Children introduce pressure and stress. How a couple deals with that pressure and stress will dictate the everyday quality of the marriage.

No gender is at fault here. As @Ranger has been advocating lately, you grow up with ideals, and you don't realize you are being sold a bill of goods until it's too late.

Story most of you probably don't know: an infant wakes up every three hours to eat. This will occur until you sleep train them after 9 weeks, or wait till they sleep train themselves (usually after 3 months). If a woman is breastfeeding, this means she most likely (because NAWALT) will become sleep deprived by 2 weeks in. If communication is poor between the couple she won't ask for help and she may feel resentful, angry, tired, used, etc. This begins the slide and decay of a relationship. Recoverable? Yes, but it takes work.

Of course there's "more" to every "story", but that's a quick synopsis to illustrate how an infant changes things.

I've long believed that women in society fail young girls (and boys) by not being honest about how difficult having a baby is. I feel that, of we were honest about it, teen pregnancy would go down, mate selection would improve (at least in this area) and better, more open communication of needs would occur between partners.

At least, if the topic of starting a family was discussed from the "that's going to be really hard on us, can we handle it well? Can we come together? How are we going to come together?" Couples might have a better survival rate - and the intimacy/needs that are required to keep boning will be met.
I know all the stresses. A few 15 minute sessions a week wont hurt anything and it also RELIEVES STRESS. Somehow it gets clicked as another job.
 

sazc

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Honestly the, how many of you were ready for the difficulty of navigating adding an infant to your relationship?

How many of you looked at your partner (or your partner looked at you) and said "this could be really hard, how are we going to make sure we don't crumble?"

Probably none because of the Disney effect.

When I look back at how things changed, I wish I had this conversation, if only to open those lines of communication so that, if/when needed help, I would have felt comfortable and safe asking for it.
 

lamath

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Understood. The whole dynamic is so much larger than just this statement tho.

Children introduce pressure and stress. How a couple deals with that pressure and stress will dictate the everyday quality of the marriage.

No gender is at fault here. As @Ranger has been advocating lately, you grow up with ideals, and you don't realize you are being sold a bill of goods until it's too late.

Story most of you probably don't know: an infant wakes up every three hours to eat. This will occur until you sleep train them after 9 weeks, or wait till they sleep train themselves (usually after 3 months). If a woman is breastfeeding, this means she most likely (because NAWALT) will become sleep deprived by 2 weeks s
i think all father knows about this.
She was on maternity leave but i was still working.

And still i was the one waking up 1st everytime the baby woke up, i changed the diaper then brpught the baby to her in our bed.

Most of us did our part and more.
 
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