Banging my head....

[penkitten]

trim the pm box is full

 

[joekerr31]

trim,

yep, your pm box is full.

start a new thread dude. what this b*tch is doing is going over the line man. you're goign to need a whole new set of advice to get throw the sh*t she is causing.

you really really have to stay focused on cutting this one out of your life in every respect.

and man, this really is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. this woman is psycho with a capital P.

J

 

[penkitten]

trim its full already again

 

[TheTrimReaper]

WTF!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

OK, I had to empty the sent files, too, I think.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I guess I'll post this for everyone. Yesterday, I got an email from a mutual friend of the ex and me. Actually, she is more my friend because I've known her for two years. My ex had only talked with her twice.

Well, she let me know she saw my ex, but didn't tell the ex that she was keeping in touch with me. The ex said that the breakup was her idea. She said that she was sad about things, and that she knew I was sad because I didn't respond to her email. She wanted me to move on. She said the reason was that she wanted an exciting life, while I wanted a peaceful life. And that we were just different.

Sucks to hear this because I consider myself a person who likes to go out and have a good time. I've always liked to go out. She didn't until this year; then she erroneously assumed that I didn't. And it took her 3.5 years to figure all this out! I think no matter what I did, I wasn't an exciting guy to her anymore. Maybe Adam is doing the same sh1t for her I was doing but now it's exciting.

Damn, I wish him well!!!

It's funny how she said she wanted me to move on. Didn't it seem like I was moving on when I didn't talk to her? I think most people would have called and/or emailed to complain about being sh1t upon(the trash in the living room, the father returning the ring, the birthday gift email) , but I didn't send anything. I've been in a massive amount of pain as you have read. But I didn't need or want to send anything. And then she says she wants me to move on. That's strange to me.... (but look at who said it)

What do you guys think about this?

I felt better hearing this message. I'm starting to see how I only lost time and that's it. The BPD diagnosis seems to fit well, don't you think?

I'm going to go out Salsa dancing tonight. I haven't been since I met the ex. Funny, when we first started going out, I always wanted her to go to Salsa class with me, but she didn't want to. Then in like the last week we were together, she mentioned how she wanted to go with me. Then she ended things.

Anyway, I won't see her where I'm going for sure. That's swell. I'm not going to meet girls. I like it because it's damn hard to do as a gringo. My 49-year-old South American buddy is going to meet me there. It should be cool.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a movie with a girl from my work. She's a good friend of mine at this point. I'm not attracted at all, but I need female companionship. It was funny how I asked her to go to the movie. I asked as a favor, and was completely cool about it. That's what I need to get back to doing if I'm ever going to talk to a girl I really want.

Sleep still sucks. I lay in bed for four hours last night thinking. I have to take care of this somehow. I'll get the therapist to do something on Thursday. I haven't been down today. That might be a first.

Trim

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
Sleep still sucks. I lay in bed for four hours last night thinking. I have to take care of this somehow. I'll get the therapist to do something on Thursday. I haven't been down today. That might be a first.

Yeah sleeping was the worse, that, and the weight loss. But I actually liked the weight loss part. Not that I was fat but I feel much better now than I have in a long time. I lost 18 pounds in about a 2 month period.

You get used to sleeping with someone next to you and it sucks when they're gone. I was just getting used to sleeping by myself after my divorce right before I met my ex-girlfriend. Now I am having to get used to it again!! But it's getting better, which yours will be getting better soon as well.

Nyquil works pretty good too

There was actually a write up in todays paper about how exercise can dramtically reduce depression. Which I am a firm believer in this because it has worked wonders for me. They say a 30min exercise 3-4 days a week can reduce depression by as much as 50%! You got to start exercising Trim it will help you tremendously!! Even if its walking or riding a bike.

 

[decades]

I got all you guys beat. I lost about 35lbs in a few months. And the funny thing is I needed to! I weighed 210 and now I am at 175 and I feel great and I am in the best physical condition of my life. Being in a relationship adds pounds. In a relationship, I think I am more stressed and they cook and we go out to eat more and I drank more and ate more sugar and bread. So I do miss the warm body at night but I love being only about 5 lbs more than I was in high school!

Regards

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
and I drank more

I don't know about this one, it seems I've been drinking more

 

[Ricky]

You know what. This thread is great. People really do understand what you are going through.

I felt so crappy when my ex broke up with me. I moved to a town where I Knew noone to start a new career in a new field. I was already way stressed out from the move and she breaks up with me.

Something Penkitten said at about my ex stuck with me.She said that my ex let me down when I needed her most. It is the truth. Why should I be with a weak woman like that?

This doesn't help our pain any. I worry a bit about the holidays. I had such fun last year. This year i don't have her or anyone.

But guess what I'm still living. Trim, I want to PM you as well. I have a ton of ideas to help you and me both.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I lost 15 lbs right off the bat when we broke up. I ate a Power Bar and drank water each day for over a week. I just couldn't eat. I weighed 162 before the breakup(we'd had problems), then I went down to 147. That's a big difference for me. 162 is the starting point for me to look good because I'm 5'11. I look my best at around 170. Now I'm at 154 because I've been able to fit in at least one meal a day, supplemented with Boost/liquid nutrition drinks. I know I need to eat more real food, but I just can't. I feel like someone is punching me in the guts all day, so there is no way I can pack in the food now.

It's ironic that I need to look good and get back out there, but I'm so skinny, I look sick. Wait, I am sick!

Last night, I woke up at 2:00 am. And my heart was racing. I've had some pressure in my chest today, but nothing too scary. I guess I am "heartbroken". Damn, that sounds cheesy

I mini-sarged at the CVS today. I saw a hottie (Fergie look-alike) I've seen around a few times and decided to introduce myself. Man, she was good. Didn't even look at me when she was negating. I should have negged, but spaced. I know her name at least for when I see her again. We'll be like ol' friends!

I had a date today also. She is unattractive to me, but a date nonetheless, which is better than what I've had for a while. I was a terrible date, too...long pauses...forgot some sh1t she told me...couldn't pay attention to the movie.

All I could think about when I was with her was the ex. I was totally obsessing, even scaring myself, at times. I need some serious help. Only a day and a half until my visit with the therapist. I really think I need some medication so I've got to get on her about giving me something.

I've tried to keep track of my moods- panic and anxiety- to try to discover what is triggering them. I've gone a few days when I wasn't suffering, but most days are bad to miserable. Seeing the therapist one hour a week isn't enough either. I need a lot more help than that. It's like putting a band aid on a hatchet wound. Some of my thoughts are way beyond the intensity of the treatment I'm getting at this point.

And, I've had the urge to contact the ex. Sh1t, it's taken everything I've got not to. Sometimes the urge is unbearable. I've even typed a couple of responses to send. I usually open them up and do some editing and adding, and then close them again.

Thanks for all of your help, or else I would have sent something a long time ago. If I did send something, what would happened anyway?

The only regret I would have would be not being able to call her on the sh1t I know she lied about. And what good would that do? Keep her from breaking up our relationship? Let her know that she has been a royal b1tch? Well, she is so in her own world, she actually thought she was treating me nice in the end. After knowing about all the sh1t that happened during the breakup, don't you think her perspective is pretty well revealed in the birthday gift email?

I might be going to a singles, beer drinking event in town on Thursday. It's funny in a dark way, but I'll be rushing from my therapist visit to get there. I've never been to one. Don't know what to expect.

Also might have a date for Sunday, but there is a high flake factor. It's with this Polish girl I've known for about a year. I knew where she worked and found her. Chatted a little, then asked her out. Set up a date. Then I asked her if she knew my number(I was trying to get hers but f*cked it up. Note to self...don't give them your number if you don't have to!). When she got mine, she said she'd call if something came up, twice. Now, I think something is going to come up. Stuff like this is so dangerous with the chicks. If they get one emotional swing leading up to the date, it's off. And they may even no show...no call.

I just don't get how they pull this sh1t and we don't. Should I start for all of mankind?

I don't know if this dating stuff is helping or not. I really don't want to be dating. I only want some 'tang. I think some love making would be pretty darn good now for my emotions.

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper


Thanks for all of your help, or else I would have sent something a long time ago. If I did send something, what would happened anyway?

what would happen is that she would think the following things:

1) God, I was right to dump his *ss
2) Yes, im such a prize even a guy I kick in the nuts and rip out his heart is dying to get back with me
3) Now i know that i've got back up options. if he's willing to take me back after I did what i did, then i can keep him on the side for years and go back to him should this new guy not work out

dude, if you are single, alone and miserable for the next 10 years that will be a better outcome than if you were to contact her.

if you contact her your pain will get ten times worse. because she won't suddenly say "Trim, you're so special. what i did was soooo wrong. im so sorry. can you ever forgive me. i still love you will you take me back."

THAT IS NOT NOT NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

you need to see her like you'd see heroine. sure, it makes you feel better, but IT WILL KILL YOU!

dude, you gotta love and respect yourself enough NOT to do things that will hurt you. and this woman, as she has already shown, is ALL about hurting you.

let her die in your mind. embrace your new life, pain and all.

there is a brighter future out there, whether is 3 months, 3 years or 20 years away. it is out there. but you can only begin your travels towards it once you move on.

J

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I'm not going to get in touch with her. (mantra)

I wrote a note to myself when the ended. In it, I wrote DO NOT CALL HER. I've been successful so far, and I need to respect all of the work I've already put into avoiding her.

Her response to my ignoring her birthday gift email surprised me. I found out from my friend that she interpreted it as my being sad. Well, I am sad, and contacting her certainly wouldn't be something that would bring me real happiness. I am going after my own happiness. I didn't actually need to reply to her to get it. What I need to get happiness is not to contact her and move on, get to feeling better, and find new women to have sex with.

And I'm trying. I got a number today, and a date for Saturday. Both are young girls...20 and 21. But that's so much better than hanging out with Mr. Hand anymore. The ex was 21 when I met her, and I look younger than 34, so I don't think I should be stressing about my age. But it's on my mind.

Today, I wasn't as panicky as I was yesterday, but it was still there, nonetheless. This therapist needs to equip me to cope right now. Whatever I'm doing, it isn't enough, and my thoughts get really nasty sometimes.

I've been trying to think about things in my life in the last year or so. There were a bunch of events that brought me down, mainly my mom's illness and the breakup.

When my mom got sick, I couldn't cope with it. It brought me down. I started going into my cave more often, and I don't think I was the best to be around all the time. I never yelled or anything like that, I just did my own thing sometimes. I didn't really even notice I was doing it either.

The ex didn't see it that way. She thought I was p1ssed with her, or that my personality had somehow changed at 33 years old. She just made her judgment and didn't bother to try and sympathize. When we(she) had problems after she came back from Italy, she told me she thought I wasn't into the relationship anymore. What a sucky partner! I think if she had really cared, she would have brought this sh1t up before it blew up. By then, I had figured out I was doing some things that reminded me of my mom, and told her where I was. By that point, it was too late I think. She was either chatting or soon started chatting with this guy Adam, who I think she is living with right now, going out with her friends mulitple nights a week, and spending much less time around me.

Which brings me to why I think I've become depressed. I've never been this way in my life. And I think I got a one-two punch that knocked me out. It would have been great to have had a partner who cared for me enough to identify what was going on and maybe even give some help, but that wasn't her. She just wasn't that person. I don't know if it was a lack of emotional maturity, realtionship experience, or unconditional love for me, but something was obviously wrong. She threw away a man who loved her. She even piled more garbage on top if that wasn't enough, figuratively speaking.

 

[decades]

Trim you've had two pieces of contact that have set you back. And you don't ordinarily think of these things as contact but they are.

The first was the email that you didn't respond to. Nevertheless you read it and you parsed it and you rolled it over in your mind and it made you think about her and your relationship again. You relived it.

Second, talking to the friend about the x. Yep. Same thing. That also has forced you to rethink your relationship.

I said this before and its not so easy to let sink in. But you MUST cut off every form of contact with this person that you can and that means not talking about her with common friends, as well as blocking her emails from even entering your inbox.

When someone has effected you in such a toxic way, you have to take extreme measures. Good luck and I hope you take my suggestions.

regards

 

[Dorian]

I'd second peristent and everything Joekerr31 has said in spades... try some unconditional love for yourself dude - when you've do that, you can expect it of anyone else that's worthwhile

All the best

 

[joekerr31]

one of the huge lessons everyone in life has to learn is that love is NOT suppose to hurt.

people act like love is everywhere. thats not love, thats infatuation, lust, etc.

young pups fall in love and think the world is roses and cinnamon.

true love is rare. and when you find it, you know it. it doesnt make you feel euphoric, it makes you feel at peace. it doesnt make you want to jump from teh roof tops, it makes you want to sigh with relief.

to many people think love is a drug. love is the antitode to the drug, to the delusion.

this woman was your drug man. she wasn't your love.

and youll never find love as long as what you really want is another hit of that b*tch.

J

 

[simple_wish]

Trim.

Hang in there buddy. all this added stress on yourself is not good...it's time to think about trim.

Reading Joe's letter that he had written post breakup was almost to a letter I had written to clear the air....Sure you had memories with this girl...some intimate..some fun...some sad. But now think back to some people that have crossed your path over your lifetime. There was possibly a buddy that you had spent many hours/days playing with when you were a child...he could of moved away or found new friends..you were able to get over that..the same for the EX.

My Ex said maaaanny things during our breakup it would of been better for me to walk out of the room and spit in her face as I wa exiting. She did a breakdown on all my friends and trashed talked a couple of them...I once did not mention any of her friends regardless of me not liking some of them...the breakup was between her and I not my friends vs her friends. This girl was supposed to be an angel but angels don't say the crap that she said.

I work very close to where she lives and goes to school..but haven't ran into her in well over 11 months...but nowadays...i'm in the best shape i've ever been in years...and on top of that I've pulled a 180 on the style/dress...i have no fear or insecurities if i was to meet her again.

Back to the basic's my friend....everything will fall back into place within time and then you'll be able to laugh at the whole ordeal.

Finally....You were the one that got away!

Too many people have told me this.....you too you should think about that!

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
Trim you've had two pieces of contact that have set you back. And you don't ordinarily think of these things as contact but they are.

The first was the email that you didn't respond to. Nevertheless you read it and you parsed it and you rolled it over in your mind and it made you think about her and your relationship again. You relived it.

Second, talking to the friend about the x. Yep. Same thing. That also has forced you to rethink your relationship.

Persistent,
Now that I'm out of my last episode of depression, I can see how spot on this is. This weekend, and into the beginning of the week, I was just as nervous and panicky as I had been last month. Whether it is direct or indirect contact, it puts the hurt on me. I've been feeling better the last few days though. I laughed last night a few times, and there were a few moments when I felt calm.

I SLEPT 7 HOURS LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

My therapist is doing exercises with me to bring down the intensity of the painful memories. We are using NLP, which I have studied for a while myself. I hadn't been able to do it myself because I had been so immobilized by this trauma. She told me that while we were doing the exercises, she could see I was in a massive amount of pain. I felt like I couldn't breathe. She then apologized for putting me through it again.

She told me yesterday that the brain and the body will heal. It just takes time if you want to take a passive approach. We are taking an active approach by doing these exercises to speed up the recovery process.

I'm very satisfied with her as a therapist. Even after only two visits, it seems like we click very well. I think she's going to be able to help me a lot. I did have my doubts on the first day, but yesterday she seemed to be closer to me. She told me she thinks the ex has identity issues, and also that it is clear she is not ready for a committed relationship. I said,"I think she is dating, or maybe even living with, another guy now." She said it doesn't matter. She is not ready for a committed relationship.

I gave and I gave because I wanted to be a good mate. The ex did for a while but didn't follow through. I think she gave enough to get me going, then she either changed her mind or felt some weird satisfaction that she was able to "surmount" the challenge.

The therapist said, like you guys have told me, that I didn't do anything wrong. I know that. I think I did everything I could do, and I don't mean I gave her so much she was overwhelmed. I mean I tried to keep things fresh, exciting, passionate, and positive while still letting her know I was committed to this thing. I also did the things I wanted to do to be happy on my own. I'd hate to see how I'd be if I had been a chump the whole time.

I'm paying attention to myself more now like many of you have suggested. The other night, I went shopping for new clothes. I had an awesome little gay man pick out the best stuff for me. I spent a bunch of the engagement ring money! Now my look is updated, and I'm feeling better about my appearance. Last night I went to my first singles event. While the girls were not attractive, I still practiced. It was reassuring because I knew women were attracted.

On Sunday, I've got a date planned with that Polish girl I think might flake. The thing is, it's down in the part of town where the ex just moved. I hope I don't see her. I probably won't see the ex, but it's in my mind. Regardless, the girl might flake, so I think I'm wondering why I'm putting myself through more anxiety! I guess I'm trying to prepare myself.

 

[joekerr31]

hey Trim,

you wont have full perspective on all this for about a year. in a month or so youll be fully committed to moving on. in two or three months youll feel good about things.

in a year though, youll never ever ever want that woman back in your life.

youll have persepctive!

and that perspective will be that SHE lost out. she is destined to live her life out in shallow relationships where the only hold she has on a man is drama tricks and telling him that he's not good enough (with the hopes that he will just try harder and harder to please her).

she's a lost cause and you are on your way to a new and exciting life.

J

 

[RobLB]

NLP??

Hey Trim , what is NLP ???