Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Banging my head....

RobLB

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Hey Trim,

Heard "Gold Dust Woman" by Fleetwood Mac today , kinda reminded me of our situation. Especially this one part:

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now -- do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.



Easier said than done,huh??

Hang in there dude...
 

TheTrimReaper

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Joe said:
when that moment hits all your power comes rushing back and you see that really she never had any power over you at all. her only power was that of seduction. this is why chics go CRAZY when you genuinely want nothing to do with them anymore. i mean, it drives them absolutely mad.
Sounds great! But I'm still struggling with some wretched part of me that still wants something to do with her. And I'm fighting it all the time. It takes away all my focus from doing other things. It keeps me awake at night. And I'm not kidding about that. This has been the sixth week of 3-4 hour nights of sleep. I took sleeping pills, but that didn't help. It is totally wrecking my body, which is already injured.

When I see the shrink tomorrow, I'm going to ask about something that will help me sleep better. Maybe she will know. Which reminds me, my shrink is right where the ex just moved. It's a quaint little town on the water, where people are always out walking around. Not only do get really anxious when I go down there, but I also envision running into her. Would I :cry: or would I :cuss:. And what excuse would I give for being down there? Would I go for a guilt line (I'm so down baby, why?) or a breakup justification line (You b1tch!)?!

Rob, I totally heard that song the other day on the radio and my stomach clenched. Isn't it funny how we notice this stuff more when we are down? And there are also the anchors you get with your ex. Mine loved Norah Jones, and when I heard it the other day in a store, I freaked out. No good. I'm sure it's much worse for you because you live in a small town.

As far as my DJ pipeline, there is a twenty-year-old student who wants to go out with me after I went to her party last week and caused a few problems. Young girls are so cute. She had to tell my friend she likes me. Then there's the South African girl that made my night into a beer-commercial-come-true. Actress-hot, cool, and asked me for my number. The only real work I had to do was neg.

And I honestly don't give a sh1t if things work out or not with these girls. I love women. And I'm starting to get to a point where I want to have sex again. (I know that sounds f*cked up) But when I think about sex, guess who pops into my mind. So I guess that has been keeping me away from those thoughts.
Well, maybe another woman might be able to press my reset button or something.

I'll fill you in on my new shrink soon. Later.
 

joekerr31

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trim,

its just going to take time. as men we hate to quit. its one of our best qualities, we stick it out to the bitter end. unfortunately that tends to hurt us when a chic is messing with us. we have to go against our nature and let go and move on.

its really hard i know.

im doing it right now with a chic, mind you I don't have anywhere near the history you had with her ex.

others chics are into me, but for some reason im just not into them that much right now. couple weeks ago i had this chic who has been into me for a long time tell me straight out that she wants to blow me.

shes not a sl*t, but Im not receptive to her advances, so i guess shed figure shed throw it all out on the line to try and get me into her.

:crackup:


the one thing ive always done right in life, thank god, is focus on my career. because of that ive got lots of money in th bank and im totally self sufficient.

my advice to the younger generation is to focus on your career. women come and go, but your career will provide you with options in life.

for songs i suggest you listen to "we hate it when our friends suceed" by morrissey. it's hilarious.

"we hate it when our friends become successful. If we can destroy, you bet your life we will destroy them. if we can hurt them, well we may as well. it's truly laughable."

people are shallow. you can't rely on others to make you feel good about yourself. your journey will end with you being your own biggest fan and you'll be 100x stronger than you ever were before.

with regards to sleep i suggest taking a 2 hour walk every night. you'll sleep like a baby afterwards.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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Good taste in music Joe. I grew up listening to Moz. I don't think there is anything I could say about his lyrics that would do them enough justice.

Indeed, it is hard to quit, and admit it's over. As the man, I tried to be the leader. I led and led...even right up to the end.

But tonight, there was a watershed moment.

I met with the new shrink. And I found out something new about the ex. Well, this new shrink had me talk about the relationship. So I spent today talking about it and the ex's family.

She was positive that the ex suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I couldn't believe it when she said she was certain of it. Because now I remember seeing a book about BPD on my ex's shelves! (we had a lot of books. I even met her at a bookstore!)

She had taken medication for the first couple years, and told me that her doctor had insisted she stay on it. She made it sound like the doctor was just throwing pills at her. (she had a problem with authority, yet another characteristic of BPD) And she never told me what the problem was. She glazed over it and minimized it's significance.

I guess I underestimated how important it really was. Because at one point, I was reading all this Bernie Siegel and Deepak Chopra, and how medicines aren't always necessary. Well, I believed it because exercise makes me feel totally elated and happy. So when I shared some of what they had written, the ex took notice, and decided to stop taking her meds. She also complained how her sex drive was affected and she would usually sweat a lot while sleeping. And this would help her get over those problems.

I only supported her because she decieved me as to how serious things were. Had I known, I would have recommended more medication! and therapy!

Well, after reading about the condition, I'm taken back. It's serious. And the description is spot on. It describes her actions to the 'T'.

Here are a few things I found that I couldn't resist adding:

They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they last interacted with the borderline.
AND...

Traits involving emotions: 1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours. 2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
From what I have written about her here, are these accurate?And I didn't even tell the shrink how the ex punched that girl in Italy!

The shrink also added that BPD sufferers do things "when they want to do them".

They are impulsive. So because they can't truly see actions taking place over time and are impulsive, they are prone to doing something that doesn't make sense, like sending that email even though she had ripped my heart out.

She assured me that I'm lucky. She said that she wouldn't be surprised if she is seeing someone already and had been seeing him for a while. BPD sufferers cannot be alone. But the problems that arose over the last year of my relationship, when she wasn't getting any kind of treatment, will just go into any new relationship she's in and kill it.

In fact, she said that it must have been really good between us those first two years to have had it last as long as it did while she was not being treated this past year.

It sucks to find this out, really. I still care about her, and don't want her to suffer. But then again, her behavior has gotten my health, both mental and physical, into the worst state it's ever been in. I've been as far down as it gets. But now I know I have to be strong to keep her out of my life.

So many things make sense now. My brain actually feels lighter.

I'm not feeling bad right now!

That's a good sign....
 

joekerr31

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YOU DA MAN!

see dude, it's just taking some time.

i think in one of my earlier posts i had said that we think people are doing this or that to hurt us, when in reality they are hurting themselves. but because we are so attached to them, guess what, we get hurt by their own self destructive behaviors.

once you see this you are able to stop hating them. you also see that they AREN'T better off than you, even if they have someoen else in their life. their life is a LIE in many ways. once you see this you stop beating yourself up that they WON and you LOST. No one lost and no one won. They will continue to self destruct and you will continue to grow (so if we have to label it, you really are the winner). Your shrink says this also by saying YOU ARE LUCKY. and you really are man. she's wacked, and you can't save her, you can just be hear punching bag, and that ain't cool.

people who are healthy, mature, etc. don't look to hurt someone else. in fact, they go out of their way to try NOT to hurt someone. Maturity = Empathy.

Im telling ya man. im going through a bit of a dumb situation right now where ive let some chic into my head more than she should be. It's awesome to see you getting up off the canvas!

like ive said before. as men the only one's that will save us is ourselves.

now, what's really cool is forums like these. I place where men can help each other and help each other get further ahead in life and grow.

its funny, because mass media, and this forum at times, talk about how men are getting demasculinated and women are in control. but you know what, guys like yourself are finding their way. past generations never did.

men through out history simply ruled women, but did they ever truly master themselves? men today are being forced to master themselves. its tough but i think we are creating some of the strongest, most enlightened men in the history of mankind.

once again man, I'm super happy you had a good day! Keep it up, you will be fine in time!

J
 

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TheTrimReaper

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From Joe:
you also see that they AREN'T better off than you, even if they have someoen else in their life. their life is a LIE in many ways. once you see this you stop beating yourself up that they WON and you LOST. No one lost and no one won. They will continue to self destruct and you will continue to grow (so if we have to label it, you really are the winner).
I've been thinking about this, too. She is probably with someone right now. In fact, if she has BPD, she couldn't not have someone. It's probably Adam, the guy she was IM'ing from work all day. (keep in mind, I was the one who she came home to complain about work to! (Am I a martyr if I don't know about it?!))

When I look back on how she was when things were still fun, she is almost the opposite person now. I remember how she used to stress how important honesty was. She used to say she wouldn't and couldn't ever tell a lie.:crackup:

Well, she TOTALLY decieved me, for how long, I don't even know. She told me there was no one else when I confronted her. And it's a fact she was at least talking to this guy Adam. She also spent a hell of a lot of time with her friend, who had been dating two guys at the same time for a while. After she took her GREs in July, she was out with this girl three nights a week, for up to eight hours. I know....I know.... She probably wasn't only with this friend. But I trusted her. In part, because I believe in myself. So that makes it easy to overestimate others. Also, she had always talked about how important it was to be honest, so I was still looking at the years of emphasis she placed on it.

Yeah, the way she talked about honesty was a lie. At the most, it was honesty earlier on, but later on, it became a lie. And her words don't mean anything. She turned her back on me, our dog, our home and my family. And then she sends me the email talking about how she really wanted me to be able to go to the ---------- event.

Today is my birthday. I turned 34. I got a lot of attention at work today. They got a cake and had a little party. It was good, but I was bumming. Similar thing to my dad's birthday. I really miss having her by my side to celebrate this with me. I'm split between wanting her companionship, which for a long time was probably only physical because she faked any emotional connection, and being happy she is gone.

She hasn't contacted me. And I don't think she is going to contact me today or at any point. She just doesn't care. This is something I still have a hard time grasping.

She just can't look back at the thousands of things we shared together and believe in them. She can't look back on all of my ambition, efforts, and successes and believe in me. She only unsympathetically watched me struggle over my mom's illness for six months and decided that I was just not worth it. It's part of BPD. I can think about all of the positive things we had in our lives, however. I can look back on all of the things I loved about her and all of the awesome memories. This still overshadows all that was wrong. And that is what's tearing me up.

I don't want to be alone today. I want to have the person she was two years ago next to me. That will never happen again though, and that's the cold truth. I want someone to believe in. Someone who won't change. Someone who is there for me and the kids I want to have. But she isn't and can't be that person.

I need to work on myself. I want to be a better person, so I can attract a better person. But it's scary. Honestly, I'm full of worry. I'm afraid of getting up off the canvas. These are my concerns: I don't know where to go to meet this lady anymore. College campus? Friends? Supermarket? Bookstore? I've talked to a ton of women everywhere and haven't done too well. And I'm starting to stress over my age. And my career! When I'm down, it is really easy to wind myself up like this.

I've got a lot of work to do. So I'm taking it one step at a time.
 

joekerr31

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:cheer:

dude, glad to see you posting a laughing icon.

with regards to honesty, words mean NOTHING. a liar is going to say they are honest, thats what they, lie.

as for getting older and your career and everything else.

listen to me man, you are LUCKY to be alive! you gotta look at what you have, not some fantasy bullsh*t image you have in your head. that's what chics do and thats why they are so f*cked up. they are never happy with what they have.

life is a journey, an experience, and one day it ends! believe it or not what you are going through is more valuable to the journey than your career. you are finding your inner self. you are becoming your own best allie. you are becoming a knight!

your life is overflowing with meaning and purpose right now.

who cares if you find a woman or not. LIVE MAN LIVE!

the years are going to past by whether you have a woman or not. so make the best of them either way.

look at how much your life has changed in merely a week!!! you've gone from being an absolute and total mess to being just a minor mess :p

in just one week you've begun to see hope.

you know, i've had a couple of opportunities to get married over the years. and you know something? I"M SO F*CKING GLAD I DIDN"T. you know why? cuz i wouldn't have kept growing. i would have just lost myself in the relationship, only to wake up one day with no clue what life meant to me.

you know, when people say to me now "i don't understand why you aren't married. you're a great guy, you have your act togehter, you've got a great career. you're a total catch."

you know what i say? I say "ya, but i just enjoy being happy too much"

hahahahaha :crackup:

you know man, most people hate their spouse. but they are trapped. they dont have the strength to stand on their own.

and let me tell you something man, if you need a woman to be happy, then thats all the more reason not to have one!

every time you find yourself pining for a woman got spank one off. right afterwards youll wonder why the hell you were so obsessed with having a woman. haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRIM!
keep up the good work. you're an inspiration to a lot of readers.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!!

And thanks Joe. It's been a good birthday night. I'm another year older and another year slower!

I called South African girl. I chose #1 and left that message. She hasn't called back. That just saved me a drive into town. Next!

The ex didn't contact this evening either. I figured this was would be judgment day on whether she contacted or not. So I guess she is definitely done. It puts the email/birthday-present thing into better focus. She sent it purely for herself since, if she really wanted to be sincere, I think she would have tried to contact in a different way at least to say 'Happy Birthday'. Or maybe she is just "respecting my space" still. :crackup: As can be inferred, she's so good at setting herself up for success!

After doing more reading tonight, I'm starting to feel more and more sorry for her. It's strange that I can say that although I was the one who was manipulated, and somewhat dominated, by her, I still have enough strength to be sympathetic towards her. I hope she can find happiness in her life. I really do. But the way she is living right now is foul! And the guy she is with right now, whoever he is, isn't going to know what hit him I can assure you.

I can't control it so I have to yell it:

I AM THE LUCKY ONE!!!!!!

No sh1t! I thought of something tonight, and I'm pretty excited by it as you can tell. Now I know I can give every bit of love and commitment in a relationship, have the person take years and years of my love, affection, and friendship, and throw it away like it is meaningless, like it has absolutely no value. It hurt....more than some will never know. And I've been down, as down as it gets. I'm not going to spell it out for you so use your imagination.

But you know what?!
(scroll down)











I'M STILL F*CKING HERE!!!!!!:rockon:






I'll get better and I'll be a better person. I'll grow, as Joe said. And that's going to put me higher up in the grand scheme of things. While my ex is pitifully going to stay where she is. I'm going to meet a lady, a really lucky lady and give her everything she deserves without worrying about whether I can handle it if she does have a change of heart.

IF I CAN HANDLE THIS, I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!!!!!

I loved that girl. I still have love for her. I gave her as much as I could give. And I'm proud of myself. I'm proud I wasn't afraid to commit everything I could. I'm proud that I wasn't afraid to tell how lucky I felt to have her in my life. I'm proud of every date I planned. Everything! I'm also proud that I'm getting over it as best as I can. I'm proud that I had the balls to get back up after I was devastated.

I'm far from out of this yet. But I'm looking forward to being an even better person. I should thank the ex but I'm gonna have to respect her space, for a looooooooong time.......
 

joekerr31

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haha.

see, everything works out for the best when you step back and see the bigger picture.

one of hte biggest lessons we can learn in life is that its ok to love. and to respect the fact that some people just are too afraid to love, and that's their loss.

unfortunately not enough guys see themselves as the prize. so when they love and that that love is met with manipulation and control, they try even harder.

that is why it is sooooooooo freaking critical to love yourself so that when someoen takes your love for granted you walk away.

love is a gift. and it really doesnt matter what the other persons issues are. if they are unable to receive that gift, if they abuse that gift, then you have to stop giving.

the process you are going through now is one that makes a true man out of you. women dont go through this process. when a woman gets burned, she represses her feelings and finds some AFC to take her feelings of victimization out on. she turns her back on her love thinking that it will only get her hurt.

this is why if we were really to see beyond the make up and lingerie, we'd see that most women are sad sad creatures.

a man's journey is that of the knight. to become strong for battle and to stand by his principles above all other things.

good stuff Trim. you'll be back on your feet soon and you'll be better than ever.

trust me, in 5 years from now she'll be an absolute wreck and wondering why she ever screwed things up with you.

but hopefully by that time you won't care anymore and will have moved on to greener pastures.

J
 

Ricky

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Trim, I feel really sad for you as well. I know exactly how you feel.

You see when I moved to this new town back in the spring, my girlfriend who was going to move here, came up as I moved in and broke up with me.

So here I was in a new town where I knew nobody, getting ready to start a new job in a new career for me and the girl I loved dumped me.

I was heartbroken big time. To be honest I still am. But I have been spending the time working on doing my best in the new career. The job hasnt been all wine and roses, but I concentrate on giving my best there first. And I work harder than 90% of my coworkers. The other 10% I give credit for working as hard as me.

Now some of them have more knowledge because they've been in the field longer, but it's a matter of time before I know as much.

So what do I know from that
1) I have my career going in the right direction

2) I work out, I actually may have pushed myself a bit too hard in this department and got an injury, but I'll rest it and be back. I have a couple of big fitness goals coming up, one of which includes running my first marathon

3) I try to spend an hour a day reading or learning something new in my career, an hour working on other hobbies I like and my spiritual side. And I also go out and try to make new friends.

It is tough. I will pray for you. I know you may not believe in God, but any spirituality or meditation would certainly be helpful

One thing I will ask you to do, because I ask this of myself every day, is to believe that something better will result from all of this.

For instance, I honestly believe my ex would be with me if she wasn't afraid to move. I honestly want her back, but when I think about it, I ask to get her back or someone better. That's how you have to look at it.

Now as an NLP technique I want you to think of your ex. But shrink her down to 1/00 the size. Now pick her up in the hand. Now when you envision her saying the hurtful things, laugh, because you are the giant and she is a tiny little miniature person. Put her on the ground, now picture her tugging on the leg of your pants and talking in a tiny voice.

Remember you are the giant and she is the little annoying one.

The toughest time I've had with this is my ego. I feel rejected because she broke up with me.

I can already tell you are a guy that generally has his S H I T together.

So remember this, she rejected herself not you. Deep down she knew she wasn't worthy of you.

I have started to realize that this more than anything is why doctors, successful businessman and the like get trophy wives.

Its not that successful guys are shallow per se, it's that many women simply don't have good self esteem. Some of the trophy wives do because they get a lot of attention due to their looks.

If successful guys like us had a larger pool of successful women to date who also had good self esteem things would be better.

Many women out there have poor self esteem. It shoudl be our job to screen them out early. It is tough

I can't say I'm the best judge of character always.

I know exactly how you feel.

So do me a favor. Maybe you still want her back, that's ok, acknowledge it. But consider her a much lower investment of your time.

Consider her as a minor part of the new harem you are forming.

Also never mention the relationship to her. I'll give you more reasons as to why, but from personal experience, bringing it up causes problems.

If you play it nonchalant you most certainly should be able to get her back for serious booty call action.

I don't have that option with my ex since she is far away. But another ex that is also in another town (but one i visit more frequently) has already served well in the booty call role and wants me back.

Best of luck.

Ricky
 

TheTrimReaper

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Joe, you have made this thread dude. And can I give YOU some advice. If a girl wants to give you a BJ, make her happy. Didn't your mom tell you to give women what they want!!!:D

Ricky, Thanks for the advice. I used to use NLP as I write about later in this post. I'll try your exercise definitely. I'm not going to talk to the ex, so there is no potential booty call. Seeing her would be sooooo baaaaad! In regards to your breakup, I'm sorry to hear about it. But I'll point you in the direction of something that might help. I mentioned it earlier in this thread. It's a book called "Rebuilding: When your Relationship Ends". It talks about how when a couple faces a really stressful time, such as moving, if there is any kind of imbalance, the relationship will end. They spend a lot of time talking about imbalances also. You should be proud of yourself for going to a new place and making a new life. I know you didn't intend on doing it, but that means you've got even more guts for sticking it out.



Last night was the first time I'd felt happy in six weeks. That's so messed up. I had thought that things were only going to go up from there, but that was a little naive.

Today I was down again. Couldn't shake the memories. I'm not a sentimental guy. But they are so special to me that when I think about any one of them, it chokes me up. I typed a few earlier to try to come to terms with them as words on a screen and not actual events. I cried my ass off.

However, that's the difference between me and her. I think about when I met her at the bookstore in 2002, and I get a tear. She looks back on it and says, "Yeah, I met him at a bookstore in 2002. And I can't believe he used to use my computer and never bought his own. F*cker."

Although I have a list of hundreds of really intimate, special moments that only she and I know about, I have to look at things in separated terms. We really have two different historys: mine and hers. Mine is continuous. And every event builds on each one to build more and more trust, love and importance. Hers is in binary segments. This time was good, and that time was bad. "Oh and in the end, it was bad for so long I knew it was over" is something she is probably saying. That is if she's even thinking about it anymore.

The funny thing is that when we were together, she used to get so upset when an ex would send me a Christmas or Birthday card out of politeness. She saw a few of them, and I told her about a few. I was so up front with her. And she knew I had a "no talk to exes policy". But these girls were so nice they kept, and still keep, sending me cards years later, and it really pissed her off. Now you know what? She didn't send anything yesterday. But in all fairness, she did try to give me the birthday trip, but that was weird. I still don't get it.

The memories have definitely become the hard part. They are the things that are connecting me to her. She is done. She won't be in contact with me at this point. So I can only try to start cutting those memories the best that I can. But I freak when I think about how she could turn her back on everything!

A positive thing is that I'm not as worried about the future anymore. I do want a relationship. Actually, I want what I had thought I was going to have in my relationship: a wife and kids. But it looks like that's not going to happen for a while.

I need to get out there in the field, and by the time I find someone right, I'll probably be ready to start committing once again. But I don't want any more 21 year olds or 24 year olds for that matter. Maybe 25 plus would be a good starting point. There were chicks in that bracket at this Irish Pub I went to a few weeks ago. I kiss closed a drunk woman there! That's my new DJ Bible tip #3245 "Get em' drunk!" Maybe I'll go back there tomorrow night.

I went to my new shrink tonight. We got along a lot better than the last lady. I think I talked way too much though. Next time, I'll be sure to let her do more work. She's into NLP and Hypnosis, too. But I didn't notice her doing much rapport building tonight. I didn't get as upset when I was telling her about things, a good sign. I think I'm starting to turn up now.

Sleep is still a problem. It's been six weeks of 3-4 hours a night. Exercise will help I know. I did some upper-body lifts tonight and my strength is surprisingly up. I need to go to the doctor in the upcoming weeks to get an MRI. I have had an injury in the upper leg/butt/hip area for over a year, and just didn't have the time to go in and get it taken care of. (I wonder why!) And I'm concerned about having them take the knife to me in that area. There's a lot of important stuff down there! But I am looking forward to recovering so I can get back to running and doing squats....The best!!!

Take it easy fellas. Trim
 

Ricky

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I'll write more later, but one thing I notice you doing is something I've done alot as well, mind reading your ex.

You are basically thinking that your ex is doing fine. I found myself thinking the same thing. That is what can create the biggest attack on the ego, thinking they are happy and nothing is bothering them, while you are burning on the inside.

I would say that there is just a great of a chance that she is still upset inside, now women have a better support network than men and she probably talked about this to friends for a couple weeks before breaking up with you..

My ex said she would cry every night in the weeks preceding our breakup. I didn't know she was doing this since I didn't live with her. I knew something was wrong, but I honestly thought that it had something more to do with the fact she was robbed.

One other thing, I need to go to work so I'll add more later. There is a technique called altered states writing that John Cliff talks about in the masters seducers handbook. It is basically nothing more than writing down a visualization exercise, but it is powerful. I actually need to do it again, so I'll come back and post an example later.

PS
In fact I do a ton of mind reading (not to be confused with cold reading which is a great pickup technique), but basically i am hypersensitive to what people are thinking. This is bad at work too because i spent alot of time worrying about my coworkers think at work since they seemed to be acting pissed about something (which i think is me but probably isnt at all), and my boss, etc.

The trick is if you are going to try to figure out what other people are thinking about you, make it someone that suits you. Or better yet, get to the point that you don't care what others think. This is when you will have reach the point where you control your reality.
 

RobLB

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Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
Sleep is still a problem. It's been six weeks of 3-4 hours a night. Exercise will help I know.
Yeah , lack of sleep was probably the worse thing about it. And the bad thing is when you only sleep 3-4 hours a night for 6 weeks your body gets used to it and it takes you forever to get back to normal. Like right now I still wake up at 3:30am every morning unless I go out and get hammered, but even then I still wake up early. Going to sleep is not as big a problem now and exercise will definetly help. Also my heart doctor prescribed me Klonipin for my sleep problem and it worked great. I hate taking any kind of pills but in this case I had to and it was definitly worth it. I know how you feel though, laying there with all kinda sh!t going through your head, wondering what you could of said or done to not make it happen. When I start thinking about my ex I usually start thinking about something I like doing, like snow skiing or hockey or any other thing just to take your mind off it.

Hang in there buddy....
 

joekerr31

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ricky,

good post.
its also called a paradigm shift.

so for instance you mgiht be driving behind someone who is driving 20 miles under hte limit and driving you crazy. but if you imagine various reasons they might be driving slow you can lose the anger. maybe their child just died of cancer in the hospital. maybe their gf just left them. maybe they just got fired from their job.

we too often assume that we are being victimized. when more often than not people are being mean either out of ignorance or because they themselves are hurting.

what ive noticed in life is that mature, rational, kind people tend to go out of their way NOT to hurt others. so if someone is playing games with you, lying, cheating, etc. odds are they arent a good person, and who cares about them anyway.

its hard because we are all raised to want things. money, women, etc.,
but its that desperate need of wanting something that drives people to depression.

the truth is you dont need anything other than a healthy sense of self.

you are going to have to deal with crazy men and women your whole life. its much more common to meet selfish, ignorant, self destructive people than it is to meet healthy, rational, kind people. so get use to NOT defining your value based on how others act or what they say.

when it comes to women its so easy to think 'hey she rejected me, what im not good enough. she's probably getting banged by some dude right now while i sit here depressed as hell".

but the truth is she probably rejected you for a million other reasons OTHER than "your a loser". i've found there are a lot of chics who have behaved like utter *****s in their past, and if your a nice upstanding guy, they don't feel worthy of you.

there's a saying about how birds of a feather flock together. *****s look for *******s. and sometimes a woman can go from miss sweet to *****. its just human nature, sometimes people get curious and want to spend some time in the gutter. its dumb, but they do it.

so its idiotic to beat yourself up because some ***** isn't rushing to give you her love.

forget her and move on and find yourself a decent woman. they are out there, just takes a little time and luck.

J
 

Ricky

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With my ex it was more of a matter that she wanted to move with me but then realized how hard it would be so she stayed.

I think deep down she still loves me but I'm not in her zip code. If i was who knows. But now it would be awkward to move there.
 

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TheTrimReaper

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If days could be as sh1tty as the hands of a Dung Beetle, this is one of them.

Nervous again. All day. Panicked.

Woman at work who hadn't been around for months asked about me and the ex. She said to hang in there. She might come back. I told her I didn't think so. She then went on to tell me of her nine-year relationship that ended about five years ago. She then remained single for three years until she met her husband. She had just met him when she met my ex, at a Christmas party in 2003. She told me that she couldn't believe what a perfect match they were and how close they were. It was like they could think the same thoughts. She never knew someone so perfect was out there for her. She says they know each other inside out. It's amazing! To which I replied,"That's exactly how I felt about my ex."

I know she was trying to be sympathetic and give me hope for the future, but I couldn't help it. The things she said were exactly how I felt about the ex.

I went into town tonight. Went to the Irish pub, sausage party. Then I went to this hip lounge next door. It sucked. Poseurs and club types. Girls with names I can't pronounce. Sorry girls, but I like blond, American chicks. Maybe I should move from DC.

And I've come to see that I don't like bars or clubs anymore. This is not a optimal because I need to go out and meet girls, but I don't know where to go where I can meet bunches to find the right one. I've tried cold approaches. Nothing. Saying 'Hi' to a lot of them. Sure, I might meet one every few months by luck or something. But if we don't get along, or she's a psycho, well then it's a few more months before I, hopefully, find another one.

Where are all the chicks? I want 24-30 y.o., blond American girls. I need about 50 of them so I can find one I get along with I'm guessing. Maybe I should go back to college.

Tonight, I walked past a group of 30ish women. As I slid past, the tall one in the group said "Well, hello!" I should have sport f*cked her. Her friend was blond with a really nice ass, but I compared her to the ex to negate her. No approach.

I've also come to notice, it's tough approaching smaller groups of chicks by yourself. Four chicks maybe. Two or three, at this point, is something I can't handle. I can't believe it. I'm freakin' 34! This is the stuff I was doing when I was 19! This sucks!

Anyway, I started blowing up while I was in the lounge. If I saw another tight leather jacket wearing, Mojito-drinking metrosexual, I was going to start throwing my turds to assert dominance.

I left for home early. The ex had talked about the Mojitos there and it got to me. Started thinking about her. As I passed places we had been to, I thought about this night or that day and just screamed at the top of my lungs in the car. The pain was so intense. But the scream seemed to put me at ease.

The end of this relationship has been the worst thing that I've ever had to face. The way it happened, or should I say the way she behaved. Dumping me and taking off. Dad returning the ring. Then no more contact. And what else can I say about the birthday gift email. Each one of these things has made me writhe in pain.

It doesn't seem like a man should have to endure something like this. The silence. The unknown. The unanswered questions I have. I thought I deserved something more. I thought I deserved to be treated with respect and dignity, but I wasn't. There is nothing I can do except move on, find happiness again, and remember how poorly she behaved.
 

joekerr31

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trim, this is part of the process.

for better or for worse she was your crutch. and when things are going tough you want her to alleviate your pain, to tell you how special you are, etc.

what ive learned in this life is that if you rely on others to make you feel better, you're screwed. because unless you meet a saint, they will probably screw you over out of their own self centered needs.

id love to be able to say that people are honest, kind and caring, but the truth is they aren't. they only ACT that way to get what they want. then once they have it, the real them comes out.

now, this doesn't mean we have to hate them. they only behave this way because they don't know any better. they were raised to see life as a "game". humans treat each other like cattle, buying and selling emotions and reactions.

there are some decent people out there though. they are rare, but ive come across them, so i know they exist.

when you are down like you are now i might suggest listening to some slipknot. you need some good angry honest music to help you feel comfortable with your anger right now.

"you are all f*cked and overrated. I think im gonna be sick and you're fault. this is the end of everything. i havent slept since i woke up and found my whole life was a lie mother f*cker."

trust me, there are MILLIONS of folks who are or who have felt how you are feeling.

i mean, people kill themselves, and kill their ex, because of your feelings.

don't diminish your feelings. let yourself be angry. not forever, but for a bit. let yourself feel it, but realize that you have to let go of the anger at some point.

also, go buy scarface and watch it.
"I only got two things in this world, my word and my balls. and I don't break em for no one"

that one quote from scarface is how i live my life. notice how theres no mention of women in there?

all you got is your word and your balls, and those two things are all you should ultimately ever truly care about.

as for where to meet women. right now i really think you are too focused on women, as though they are a solution to your pain. i suggest just forgetting about women all together.

my suggestion is to go and do things that help OTHER people. the best way to help yourself is to help others. theres something amazing about helping others that makes us feel great about ourselves and our lives.

so maybe you could kill 2 birds with one stone. why dont you volunteer at your local hospital? youll get to help out some folks that need help, and youll probably meet a bunch of hot nurses.

double win.

bars are the WORST places to meet women. the best place to meet women is to ask yourself what kind of woman you want, and then ask yourself where those types of women work. so if you're looking for a kind nurturing type of woman, a hospital would be a great place (nurses tend to be kind and caring).

there are probably others, but i just got up and the mind isn't fully awake enought o think of more :p

stay tough man, life will get better. and trust me, there are people who would kill to be you right now. there's some dude who is 34 right now lying in some hospital bed dying of cancer - trust me, he'd kill to be you right now.

J
 

RobLB

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Hey J,

Dude you need to be a phychologist. Your words are fuc king amazing. You are so right about the cancer thing. Whenever I get down in the dumps I think about the same thing. There are alot of people out there that are alot worse. Just think about the guys out there going through the same sh!t we went through and not having this forum around to help us through it. I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't found this website.

"as for where to meet women. right now i really think you are too focused on women, as though they are a solution to your pain. i suggest just forgetting about women all together."

And Trim, I have to totally agree with the above statement. As alot of people here mentioned, you need to find your inner game, you need to become happy with yourself again before you can be happy with someone else. Now of course, if you got bush laying next to you in bed, by all means Trim it(hehe, no pun intended)!! But just don't make it your priority. I did for a few weeks and I found out it only made me more depressed because I could not meet any women. But ask yourself this question,..would you wanna meet yourself right now in your state of mind?? Now that I look back when I was in your condition I probably sounded like a complete idiot trying to talk to girls.

I still have bad days sometimes but they are getting fewer and fewer. Just think how great it will be one day to look back at this board and read your post and thank god this happened to you. You will be able to answer any question on this board and will be able to help the next poor soul that gets his heart ripped out. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

To bad we don't live in the same town Trim cause it would be great to drink some beers and talk sh!t about our ex's,..hehe.

Now, I gotta start thinking about tonight and what the hell I'm gonna do at this party where the ex will be!! I'm just gonna go and try to have the best time I've had in a while. If that means getting drunk as sh!t, so be it.....

Take care guys!
 

TheTrimReaper

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Joe,

Yeah, I did use her as a crutch. But I think everyone starts to depend on their partners as the relationship progresses. Last year, I was hit by a car while I was riding my bicycle. I hit the road really hard. When I got home, I was shaking from my nerves. My ex hugged me and I almost broke down. I'd never felt as cared for in my life than at that moment. She then washed my wounds and cared for me. She picked up the slack I couldn't take care of when I was recovering. So I did depend on her when I was down. Isn't that normal? Isn't that why humans create relationships?

After that happened, I thought she was one of the decent ones. She only wanted me to get better and that was all. That's when I knew she was a decent person and I wanted her to be my wife.

So how am I going to know when someone is a decent person or they are going to cut my throat? This has me freaking the f*ck out.

Rob, again good luck tonight. I don't want a relationship. I just want some trim.

I need some physical affection big time. I'm nervous all the time. So I want whatever I can get to soothe me. Some lovin'....and/or maybe the psychiatrist will tell me to take something. I don't want to, but I'm still feeling the same way I was weeks ago. I think the email was a setback.

I just want to get better. I'm not benefitting at all from this. I'm suffering and only bringing those around me down. I don't think there are many people who are itching to spend some time with me now, except the therapist, who gets $125 an hour for listening to me.

The plan tonight is to go bowling. I'm meeting a couple of friends there. I want to feel some happiness, so my goal is to smile as much as I can.
 

joekerr31

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trim,

yes it is normal. which is why 95% of relationships are a roller coaster ride of loving and beating the crap out of each other (figuratively speaking).

normal doesn't mean healthy though.

in a healthy relationship both parties support each other through the bad times and are always honest with each other about whats going on in their head.

a rare breed of relationship today that's for sure.

the thing is it should never be a crutch though. its hard to explain, but think of your relationship with your family. you can love your family, but they aren't a crutch. you dont put demands on them to make you feel better. you just expect them to be there if you need them. relationships should be the same way. its not a woman's job to make a man feel great about himself or his life (nor is it a man's job to make a woman feel that way). even in marriages we are each individually responsible for our own happiness, thats just how things are.

now, as for knowing who is decent and who isn't there is only one way to do that. and that's to be a strong, healthy person yourself. To respect and love yourself. If you can acheive that, then when someone begins to disrespect you or treat you badly you NEXT them.

sometimes that means ELEVATING our expectations out of other people. some people think just a little bit of kindness makes someone a good person. no disrespect here Trim, but ANY woman would have cleaned her man up after an accident and taken care of him, etc.

the fact that you found yourself still wanting her after all this tells me that you don't value yourself a lot. you desperately want someone else to say "Trim you have value."

My suggestion is that you really need to get back into the Wayne Dyer type of stuff, to rebuild your internal sense of worth.

Yes, it is a scary thought to think that you may never really find anyone you can truly trust in this world. But guess what, your journey will go on. Its like your looking down the river into the scary dark amazon jungle and you won't embark on the journey because no one is with you. and now you've got to find the strength and courage to sail into the unknown on your own.

this is what becoming a true man is about. you've reached manhood when you can stare lifes challenges in the face, one on one, and charge forward.

see, 99% of women never muster the courage to push the boat into the world and set sail. instead they will manipulate and canive people around them to join them.

you know trim, you're already half way down the river even though you don't know it. and guess what? you're still alive.

perhaps it will soon be time to let go of the fear and enjoy the journey.

keep moving forward dude, you're going to do it!

J:woo:
 
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