Banging my head....

Bible_Belt

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she was 21 when I met her... I had lived with her for three years.

24 is the age that women tend to end their serious relationships. My ex-wife has a counselling degree and knows several marriage counselors - they all seem to agree that 24 for a woman is the magic age to break up or get divorced. It's like they have their mid-life crisis at 24.

My guess it that you are not special, you are just the guy she was with when he hit the Age 24 Crisis. She would have left any guy that she was with. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
 

WestCoaster

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You pegged it B. Belt

They now call them "starter marriages" -- ugh! I've even seen magazines praising these starter marriages, never mind the emotional and financial wrecks they leave behind, it's all about discovering oneself. Whatever.

If more women were DJ's and didn't need men to fulfill their identity, we wouldn't have starter marriages. (Good women like penkitten, WaterTiger, etc., are not included here.)

So yes, 24 is about the time these starter marriages/live-in cohabitations end or painfully drag on for a couple more years before they end.

No one should get married in their 20's unless (as I've said before) they find Marilyn Monroe with a Ph.d. and also a degree from an elite cooking school.
 

GuitarPlayer

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Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
....she visited me at work and ended it in five minutes.
The fact that she had the very gall to do this to you at work should tell you something. I'm sorry, but there is a time and place for everything. She had no business doing this to you at your work when there were plenty of other times and places it could have been done. This alone was an act of disrespect, or at least a serious lack of common sense.
 

TheTrimReaper

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Guitarplayer,

She became more and more abusive for the last three or four months. And when I stood up to it, all hell broke loose. I know I should have bailed at the first sign of instability, but I trusted her from our past and my emotions, which still felt good about things. After she snapped at me the first time, I didn't respond with the same loss of control as her, but I was stern. But the frequency and intensity of her misbehavior increased.

Two days before she ended it was the first time I really yelled at her. Why? She told me she'd call me to let me know she'd gotten home alright since she was staying out of town for work. I got p1ssed off because I was worried about her. Then, she didn't call until the next morning. She left a message at like 7:30 and sounded terrible. I picked her up from the airport later that day. I guess my emotional reaction came from the buildup of all the sh1t she had laid on me. AND, she had taken an overseas trip in the spring. She told me she'd call me when she got there. She didn't call but emailed two days later. When she got home, she said she was hurt that her friend, who you will hear more about in the next paragraph, had several emails waiting from her boyfriend (not the guy you WILL hear about, but her LTR guy who got dumped after this particular vacation) but she (my ex) didn't.

She also started comparing me to her friend's boyfriends more and more, e.g. So and So's boyfriend took her to a bed and breakfast before she left for college. (by the way guys, So and So dumped him a week and a half later. She immediately got with a new guy, to whom she had been "talking" with for almost a year. In the end, I found out this poor chump is quitting his job, which is a good job, to move down to where this woman is.)

I know. I know. My ex is getting influenced and accepted by her friends now. It's sad, and there is nothing you can do about a woman's friends. You can't "take care of" them like in the caveman days. I heard so many messed up things about them, and my ex would laugh it off like it was something she'd never do. Well, the way she was behaving in the end was the opposite of how she'd been for years.

Do all of these insignificant things matter to a woman that much? I didn't give her that many tangible things in our relationship, and she complained about that in the end. I just think that if a woman loves a man, whether they go to Vegas isn't going to make or break things or could I be that wrong? I figure if she was into the relationship she would see our home and how she was cared about and gotten strength from that. It was her first time living with someone(and my umpteenth), so she might not have an idea how to gauge what "good" really is. It was good...while it lasted.

I'll add more later...but I gotta run.
 
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WestCoaster

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Dodging bullets!

You, my friend, have dodged one giant bullet and many smaller ones. Whew! You could've lived a life of misery being with this chick. Thank your lucky stars the Spirit of the DJ bailed you out ... it may not be how you wanted to be bailed out, that doesn't matter, you got bailed out. You're saved -- hallelujah!!

Whew -- can you imagine being married to this wound-up broad?! I cringe just reading about her. Yikes!

There's a great classic soul song called "Be Thankful For What You've Got." Boy does that apply here ... be thankful you got dumped. Trust me on this one, you dodged bullets.

* Next time your woman doesn't come home on your time frame, go to a sports bar, have fun, and get loaded (walk home please, dont' drive drunk); or go to a sporting event, museum, movie, running, something. Time waits for no MAN.
 

joekerr31

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she's a selfish person who you projected your desire to love onto.

guys have got to learn to walk away from something they really want. too many guys excuse women and their behavior, and want to help them.

lets be honest guys, we want to help them so that they will be ours!

you dont let some chic that you aren't interested bust your balls do you? hell no!

if some "friend" chic started busting your balls you'd tell her to go to hell and grow up.

but if your banging a broad you put up with this crazy chit.

the irony in all this is that shes SO screwed in the head shes too dumb to realize she had a guy that would put up with her chit. good luck finding that again. and good luck making it last if she finds another guy willing to put up with that chit.

with regards to her behaviors that you mentioned. its all pretty simple. she reverted to an infantile state of "GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME". she got it in her head that everyone else in the world is living in utopia and she wasnt.

now instead of looking at herself and asking herself what SHE could do to make things better, she put all the blame of her disappointment in her life on you.

don't carry her burden man.

you are SOOOOOO much better off without this chic.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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now instead of looking at herself and asking herself what SHE could do to make things better, she put all the blame of her disappointment in her life on you.
Holy sh1t! Joe, you couldn't have been more accurate there buddy. That's so on I'm starting to think you are some kind of demi-god. If I were to tell you more of the things she said, which I'll kindly spare you, you would pat yourself on the back for how right you were.

And West, you are correct, I dodged a bullet. I'm not going to say that she didn't give in the relationship. She gave a lot and that's the person who I fell in love with and am fighting to forget. I think the things that she did for the relationship were the things she wished I'd did- she bought some tickets for us to go to NYC, she researched some movies for us to go see and that was great. I took care of the survival stuff- food, bill paying...but I also took her out to eat or see a movie, or go for drink or a walk in town at least once a week. I think she wished I'd surprised her more, but I did surprise her with small things sometimes.

But all of this stuff was for the first three years. Things were perfect (for me at least). However, the last four months were when she started to act inconsistent and the bullets started flying.

Now I'll continue what I started with earlier. As you know, she comes to my work and tells me it's over. And darts away. I'm shocked. I start puking. Then I don't hear from her for a week. Then I'm at home on a Saturday and her dad comes over. HE gives me the ring back and tells me that she and I can still be friends(You know what my answer to that was). He also tells me they are ready to move her stuff out. And I'm sitting there in shock yet once again. I just got dumped by a girl who nowhere near deserves me and then I'm getting kicked out of my own house by her emasculated father, whose cell keeps ringing with his bull-d1ke wife yelling at him to get me out of there. One side of me is raging...telling me to bounce this chump just out of principle. It's my house and I'm not going to bow down to these freaks. But then the Zen part of me says, just let it go Trim. They are who they are and that's none of your concern. Get out of here and when you get back, it'll all be over.

Well, it wasn't over. They made a mess of the house that day. They moved only a little bit (I'm certain my ex had a date that evening). So after this, I straighten up things and put all of her stuff together, where it was out of sight. Then next Saturday comes. I make sure I'm not there. I come back the next day assuming everything will be gone, but I find a note that says "Dear Trim, ....don't know if you passed your...and COULD YOU TAKE THE TRASH I LEFT TO THE DUMPSTER? Take care of yourself and I'll take care of myself.

She left five big bags of trash in the middle of my living room. And that's the last message I got from her.

This is why even though I still have emotions relating to her, I didn't and won't ever contact her again. I got dumped on LITERALLY. And after this emotional storm blows over, that's what I'll remember... That she had her dad give me the ring back...and that she left me with her trash.

On a positive note, when I'm ready to date again, it won't be hard to find a better woman cause it doesn't get any worse than that.
 

joekerr31

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thats what i like to hear. some god damn conviction that life will be just fine without her.

thats pathetic the way she handled all this.

just remember dude, millions of guys have gotten screwed over just like you. some of them let it ruin their lives. some of them use it as a wake up call.

i think you are going to get through this just fine. Your anger is your self respect raging that you let some woman chit on you. never again! :woo:

now that doesn't mean treat women badly. in fact it means the exact opposite. treat them great so that if they screw you and you NEXT them with a clear conscience.

eventually you'll find one who truly appreciates you treating her well and will return the favor.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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Oh man, this thread got stickied... Yes, it has been a nasty ending. If you guys had been around us or seen us together, you wouldn't believe this sh1t has happened. Everyone called us the perfect couple. When friends find out what has happened, they are floored.

I have had many "successful" relationships, but this was the best. On every level. Well, except for the end.

I hate to bring all this up now guys. But I bring it up as a reminder. No matter how much you love her, no matter how great you get along, no matter how perfect you are supposed to be together, no matter how much time you've spent together, the woman who you think loves you more than anyone else in this world, even herself, has it in her to rip your heart out and dump her sh1t all over you (and only half of that is a metaphor-----read above).

I'm so f*cked up right now because of that. I believed, no, I knew that she was the right woman. I was certain. Now my whole map of things has been destroyed. No wonder I've been going out of my mind.... I don't know if I'll ever be able to put so much trust in a woman again. It's scary because I want a mate, and I'm sure they want me to trust them. I guess I'll just have to risk that again.
 

joekerr31

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welcome to reality :D

human beings have it in themselves to commit great evil. and so you do you!

but just like you don't want to, there are women out there who don't want to either.

here's the thing. the key is knowing when they are about to explode. they give you signals LONG before they actually do.

when you get the signs that they are going off the deep end and are about to go pscho, you gotta walk away.

there are victims and there are predators in life, and neither live very happy lives. the key is to realize that most people become one or the other and to not become either yourself. Be a knight. which means you gotta be able to handle the predators and protect the victims.

see, people always assume that things are suppose to be "right". Reality is that things have always, are and will always be "f*cked up". Once you realize that though you can figure out what YOU want out of life. and then when some chic starts to mess your life up you put your foot down. if she doesn't change, then you next her, because you know that its only going to get worse.

you have to remember that women are the subserviant gender. they know this, even when we dont. Where a man will hit a woman, a woman will rip a mans heart out emotionally. its their only weapon.

a lot of men are like these women who when their boyfriend hits them, they dont leave. When a woman goes to rip your heart out you should leave. It's a form of abuse.

J
 

RobLB

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ABOVE POST...

Wow,...I will drink to that joekerr31!!!!

Unbelievable,.. that needs to go on a plaque on my wall so I can read it every night before I go to bed!!

Another reason I think a woman does this cr ap is they wait,.... they wait to tear your heart out until they KNOW they hold all the cards. Once they know they hold all the cards they strike. I went through the same shi t Trim did and I actually saw it coming!! I even suggested that we break up for a couple of weeks and not talk at all. But she couldn't handle it and started saying she missed me and all that cr ap that reels you back in, then when she knew she was holding the whole deck she struck!! Women have a way of manipulating you,..like joekerr said, they are pro's at it. I am with Trim,..it's going to be hard to ever trust a woman again. I guess that is why this cra p makes us stronger so we will know when WE hold all the cards,.. we can get out of the game with a full deck.

Lance
 

TheTrimReaper

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Damn! After going out sarging for the first time since the breakup last night Sarge Report , I thought I would be able to get back to doing the things I liked. So this morning, I woke up early and went to my favorite bakery for bagels, which was were I went before and after my ex. I get there, start eating, and then start panicking. So I leave. I don't know what I was thinking, but I went to Borders, where I first met my ex, and sit down to do some studying. Bad idea again, I start panicking. This time really badly. I rush out of the cafe, and start losing it in the car.

I guess I'm gonna have to do things that are totally different than what I did with her for a while. And the same thing probably applies to the women I meet. Last night, in the back of my mind, I found myself comparing all of the women I met to the ex. This is no good. My ex was pretty. Physically, she was everything I like in a woman. And I rarely see a woman who looks as good as her.
I'm short-changing myself when I do this I know. And I'm not giving these women a chance to hang out with a great guy.

It's just not fair for anyone involved. Just because of some self-centered, infantile girl, who probably faked her interest in our relationship for a long time, I'm struggling so much that it's affecting my career change and my desire to pursue a relationship again. I feel like one of those abused dogs who will snap at you.

And you brought up a really interesting point Joe. Women use a man's emotions against him. We are physically stronger, and let me tell you, there were times when I really had to restrain myself. When the bullets start flying, I guess it brings out the worst in both people. And let me tell you this, I'd rather go through a serious ass-whippin' than to go through what I'm going through. Also bear in mind that women don't go to jail for ripping a man's heart out.

Rob, so true about how they act when they know they hold the cards. We got engaged around the time things got unstable. I don't know the timeframe exactly, but that is how it looks now. Maybe she thought, "Great, I got this guy hooked. Time to turn him into my dad."
 
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RobLB

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Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
I get there, start eating, and then start panicking. So I leave. I don't know what I was thinking, but I went to Borders, where I first met my ex, and sit down to do some studying. Bad idea again, I start panicking. This time really badly. I rush out of the cafe, and start losing it in the car.

I know what you mean. I live in a small town and I've seen my ex 3 or 4 times already and it's only been about a month and a half. But everytime I see her my heart rate goes up, I get nervous as hell and I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack!!! I'm almost afraid to go out to the bars and restaurants we used to go to cause I know I will see her!

Just hang in there Trim, it WILL get better,... it must!!!!!!!
 

joekerr31

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there's a basic buddhist principle that basically argues that nothing changes until the pain and suffering associated with the change is LESS than the pain associated with keeping things the same.

i've found this to be a highly valuable insight, not just for women, but everything, jobs, your health, etc.

people will stay stuck in a rut until that rut becomes SOOOO painful that they are open to a different path.

right now your mind doesn't want to let go, for whatever the reasons.

BUT, at some point you'll have had your fair share of pain and you will let go and move on with life.

i know it sounds crazy and you might say 'give me a break, i wouldn't choose this pain by choice!"

but as crazy as it sounds, i believe that we do choose our pain. we keep it alive until we are ready to let go of it.

for men i think a lot of the time we'd rather feel pain and suffering than to grieve. we understand pain, we know how to react to it. we tend not to do so well with grieving and being accepting that a period of our life has run its course and now its time to turn towards that a new period.

all i can say is that every woman ive ever had a LTR with, i felt similar to what you are feeling. Hurt, angry, bitter, etc. - i trusted her and she stuck the knife in all the way.

but at some point in my life i realized that all those things only hurt me. i also realized that people are stupid and that most of the time a woman is hurting herself more than you (you just got in the way of her messing up her life).

once i realized that i started to be thankful when things didn't work out. i started to realize that she was in my life to help me realize one thing or another, and that id be stronger for it in the long run.

now when a woman goes psycho, regardless of when in the relationship, i walk away and thank her for her time.

I have no real desire to hurt them anymore. and the most ironic thing is that walking away with genuinely kindness (while still acknowledging the facts that you don't appreciate the person she turned into) hurts them a 1000 times more than when you scream and yell and call them every name in the book.

it is true what they say. the best revenge is living well. and for men, keep moving towards reaching that point in life where YOU are your own BEST allie.

for a woman the grand prize in life is to snag the best man she can. for a man, the grand prize in life is to snag himself!

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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Rob, I don't know how you could go through having to see your ex over and over like that. Luckily, I live in Northern VA, and I'll probably never see her again. If I saw her, I'm sure my reaction would not be too positive.

Joe, true. I am choosing to feel this pain. I'm fairly certain it is the only thing left of her that I have, and I'm trying to hold on to it. But I'm not going to be able to do this much longer.

I noticed last night that I have a few physical problems now. I won't go into details, but they are definitely stress related. This is crazy because I'm one of the healthiest people you will ever meet.

This is a HUGE warning sign. I have to get better.

They say how people react under stess shows their real self. Well, I'm at the most stressful point in my life right now, and how I handle all of this-my breakup and my career change- displays my true character.

I think about this and how my ex ended things....had her father give me back the ring....had him ask me if there were any last messages I wanted him to relay to her from me...the trash....the list goes on, and I got a lot of insight into her character.

Maybe I've gone crazy. Maybe I've cried a thousand times. Maybe I've screamed as loud as I could in my car several times. Maybe I've been grumpy. But I haven't hurt anyone.
 

joekerr31

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exactly. i use to listen to wayne dyer who said when you squeeze an orange what comes out? orange juice. no matter how much stress you put on something, all that can come out is whats already inside.

so life is squeezing you and a lot of pain and anguish is coming out (and trust me, she isn't responsible for all of it). but on the good side, character and the desire to grow from this is also coming out.

keep working at it and keep changing whats inside so that one day when life squeezes you all that comes out is maturity, self respect, honesty, etc.

when life squeezes most women all that comes out is either an immature child yelling 'gimme gimme gimme' or a cold hearted b*tch.

this is whats so great about being a man. eventually we learn to master ourselves, then the world is our kingdom and we are king.

J
 

TheTrimReaper

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Joe,

I'm a big fan of "Uncle Wayne". I read all of his stuff in order starting with "Your Erroneous Zones". I have to say he's one of the best.

I'm trying to master my world. That has been what I've been trying to accomplish for several years now. But setbacks like these, well nothing has ever compared to this one, take me back much more than two steps.

I'm doing what I can to concentrate on my career today. But I have been slipping up. I guess the pain, and much more, is oozing out.

I've been thinking about her. How I did this for her...How I was there for here....How I went to this thing with her lame family....Self-pity I guess. And I'm tired of it.

But I still keep thinking about her. I still wake up at night panicking. I still panic in the daytime. I start shaking and crying and wondering if she totally forgot all that we'd been through together.

This is what I'm facing. This is what I'm fighting against. The memories, the references of her, the companionship, the emotions I have for her still, and the loss. I have a lost feeling sometimes that is terrifying.
 

joekerr31

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totally understandable dude.

what ive found though is that there is something that attracts us to these types of women and makes us blind to their true nature. and whatever that is, when you find it and face it, suddenly you never want anything to ever do with her again.

in fact ill go a step further, when you do find it you'll actually thank her for being such a b*tch because it led you to resolve some other deep rooted issue.

its taken me 31 years, and my recent revelation on the weekend of why ive always been attracted to b*tches has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

once you know why something is broken you can fix it.

i feel light as a feather now. i finally realize that i've been sabotaging myself going for the type of women i go for. and now i can start working on making different choices.

so keep at it. go beyond her. think back to your past before you even met her. think of the various events and people in your life and see try to figure out what kidn of influence they had on your outlook on women.

and brainwash yourself with wayne dyer. i've got tons of mp3s of wayne dyer if you want them. i like to take long walks sometimes listening to them. when i get back i feel totally focused and positive about the present and the future.

keep fighting man, you'll make it. :woo:

J
 

RobLB

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Which wayne dyer ???

Hey J,

Which Wayne Dyer is a good one to listen to?

Thanks,
Lance
 
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