Any advice on getting over bitterness and regaining self-worth?

[.Julius]

Hey, so I'm at a low point in my life. I recently got out of a really ****ty relationship. Before I went into it, I was confident, was on my life mission and felt like I was the ****. I made a mistake and got into this soul-sucking relationship. It lasted 2 years and over that time I should've dumped her many times. She progressively tore down everything about me, bit by bit and I let her. I am now a shell of what I used to be. I don't want to get into details of the relationship because I know how bad I ****ed up by getting with and staying with a crazy person at the cost of my health and sanity. It was my fault for letting her walk all over me and being a *****. I accept that.

I am now worse in every way after that relationship. I have no confidence/self-esteem. I have no self-worth and as a result am finding it extremely difficult to even talk to new girls because I just don't feel good enough. No where near it. I hate myself to an unhealthy level. I used to love going out and socialising, but now people annoy me and I hate them before getting to know them. I used to be curious about the world, but I have become closed off and jaded. I used to love and be excited about women, but now I only see them as a source of pain. I used to trust women, but because of all I've been through, I just can't. I had a thriving social circle that was growing, but it's now non-existent and i don't seem to be too keen on getting it back. I feel okay being a social recluse now, but at the same time it's killing me inside. I had passion for music and played music everyday, but now I can barely touch it. I realised I am severely depressed and have been taking action to fix it. I have fixed my nutrition and have been working out seriously as well as sleeping properly. I am even considering seeing a counsellor.

I have developed toxic views and a hatred for new people (especially women) and i don't want to be like this. I hate being like this, but I just can't get over it. I want to be how I used to be before meeting the last girlfriend, but I am just a wreck. Does anyone have any experience starting back from rock bottom again? Does anyone have any advice on how to feel good enough again and how to start actually liking people again? How to stop being so bitter? I don't want this to be the way I am for the rest of my life, but it's been a year and it hasn't changed. I don't want this pain to hold me back anymore, I need help.

 

[Serenity]

You can get over it. One of the things you have to do is take a good hard look at what you're telling yourself and stop lying to yourself.

What you want to do is rewind your life by 2 years, which you cannot do. But you can find the feeling you had from this point forward, perhaps in other things though.

 

[btownbuck2012]

You say it's been a year. Ask yourself this question, honestly: Have you really faced the pain of this breakup head on? Or have you been avoiding it this whole time?

Unfortunately, the only thing that worked for me was taking the time to grieve properly - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I know you don't want to hear that. I don't think anyone does after a long term relationship ends, especially when it was a chick who f*cked you up so badly that you've become, in your own words, a shell of your former self. Brother, I know that feel. It's awful.

When the breakup first happened, I tried everything I could to ignore and not face the pain. It's like I knew the pain was there, waiting for me. I just thought I could bypass it and move on without actually feeling, i.e. properly grieving, the pain.

Grieving a breakup is weird man. One day you'll be angry and the next day depressed. One day you'll start to think you're making progress and then the next day a depression like you've never had will hit you. You just have to muscle through. Over time you'll notice the aforementioned grieving pattern taking place.

To sum it up. There are no short cuts in getting back to your old self. If you try to bypass a healthy recovery and the time that is going to take, there's a good chance you'll come out more f*cked up on the other side of it; that's not the goal of all this. The goal is to be a better man after you've recovered and it will take time to recover. Period. You're just gonna have to sit in it for a while man.

 

[bigneil]

It's good that you addressed your nutrition. How is your career? You might need a detox fast (Zand kit).

 

[.Julius]

You can get over it. One of the things you have to do is take a good hard look at what you're telling yourself and stop lying to yourself.

What you want to do is rewind your life by 2 years, which you cannot do. But you can find the feeling you had from this point forward, perhaps in other things though.

I do need to change the negative thoughts in my head. Do you think meditation would help?

 

[.Julius]

You say it's been a year. Ask yourself this question, honestly: Have you really faced the pain of this breakup head on? Or have you been avoiding it this whole time?

Unfortunately, the only thing that worked for me was taking the time to grieve properly - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I know you don't want to hear that. I don't think anyone does after a long term relationship ends, especially when it was a chick who f*cked you up so badly that you've become, in your own words, a shell of your former self. Brother, I know that feel. It's awful.

When the breakup first happened, I tried everything I could to ignore and not face the pain. It's like I knew the pain was there, waiting for me. I just thought I could bypass it and move on without actually feeling, i.e. properly grieving, the pain.

Grieving a breakup is weird man. One day you'll be angry and the next day depressed. One day you'll start to think you're making progress and then the next day a depression like you've never had will hit you. You just have to muscle through. Over time you'll notice the aforementioned grieving pattern taking place.

To sum it up. There are no short cuts in getting back to your old self. If you try to bypass a healthy recovery and the time that is going to take, there's a good chance you'll come out more f*cked up on the other side of it; that's not the goal of all this. The goal is to be a better man after you've recovered and it will take time to recover. Period. You're just gonna have to sit in it for a while man.

I think you're right. I don't think I've been avoiding it this whole time, but I have been letting it consumed me. I think I am stuck in the anger and depression phase and I just keep cycling back and forth. What concerns me is the views I've developed of people because of this. I don't give anyone a chance anymore and I am trying to reverse it, but it's like my mind automatically looks for a reason to dismiss people. Maybe I'm just really afraid of getting hurt again. I am going to apply for therapy, because i feel like I should've made more progress than this after a year. Thank you for the advice

 

[.Julius]

It's good that you addressed your nutrition. How is your career? You might need a detox fast (Zand kit).

I recently got a new job I actually enjoy. I have also been studying investing and real estate. Financially speaking I was in a hole after that break up, but I crawled out of it during the past year and came out better. I will look into Zand kits. Thank you

 

[.Julius]

You need to re-adjust your expectations.

It's almost a guarantee that you created an illusionary little world for yourself, that just got challenged by real-life. And it came up massively wanting.

I think you actually just hit the nail on the head. I... I don't know how I didn't think of this until now. I will read that thread.

 

[MrAddiction]

she just wasn't the one for you

That one is also thrown around here on sosuave once in a while. And it always irritates me. Because it implicates that there is a one for you. But the opposite, that there is no one, was the first ,and I would say, one of the most important truths, I learned when I came to this site 9years ago.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Physical self improvement and pick up a martial art. Master yourself. You'll feel better. Take the "game" advice from the current situation. You likely should've dropped her a long time ago. And not all women are like her. There are different ones with different perogatives.

 

[MrAddiction]

. "I just don't understand love

That one is an interesting. What is your opinion on that?
I say: Love? There is no such thing as love on the site of the woman: It is just a disney word for hypergamy.
Woman can love the way you make them feel but never love you as a person the way you as man do Love a woman.

 

[.Julius]

It's a completely natural thing.

The absolute worst thing you can do is to just go back to sleepwalking through your life. Going back to "the guy you were before" like this never happened without learning anything from it.

Now, you are going to get a lot of idiots that want to put you back inside your box. They'll tell you standard nonsense like "she just wasn't the one for you". And "not all women are like that". They mean well, and they just want you to be happy. If you're happy in an illusion, that's good enough for them.

What you need to do (and it is much harder, but also much more rewarding) is to learn to find happiness with things as they really are. Moving on, and taking your experiences along with you. Becoming a better (and shrewder) man for them.

dude, wow. You just blew my mind. You're right. I can't go back to how I was and I shouldn't hope for it. I have to be better. I have to grow and learn. I think this is what I needed to hear for so long. Thank you

 

[resilient]

OP, your situation reminds me of an excellent Bruce Lee quote from the thread I started on him recently:

If you (or others) always put limit on everything you do (putting you in a box), physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.​

So don't get bitter, pragmatically live the life you want to live. Learn from your mistakes and be wiser in how you invest your time... be it plates, hobbies, work, social spheres.

Stay upbeat and others will feel drawn to your strength and optimism.

Rejection is fleeting and temporary when you shake off the dust and forge your life path forward.

 

[Serenity]

I do need to change the negative thoughts in my head. Do you think meditation would help?

Yes!! Without a doubt. This was exactly what I did.

My process was simple, yet it did take many sessions. The goal is to bring yourself to a state of meta-thinking, the word meta in this context means "about itself". So basically you think about your thoughts, like running 2 threads on a processor and one of them monitors the other to make sure it's done right.

1. Remove as many distractions as possible, set an alarm for how much time you'll use (checking time is a distraction).
2. Focus on one thing, commonly the breath is used, but it can be easier to maintain visual focus on an object. Closing your eyes is not a requirement to effectively meditate, just keep distractions to a minimum.
3. Bring your focus calmly back to that object when you notice you're paying attention to your thoughts.
4. If you do it well you'll get the sense that your thoughts cease or at least feel distant in your mind, you should feel calm and possibly good.
5. Now you can try letting the thoughts enter your mind in a controlled manner rather than as stressful noise. While you do this you can evaluate your previous thoughts from a calmer and more mindful perspective, most of the thoughts you can just dismiss and now they've lost their power over you.

The single most important thing I learned from meditation is to not identify with my thoughts. That I am not my thoughts, I am the observer of my thoughts. What I actually control in meditation is only my attention, I am in direct control of it. I learned to direct my attention with meditation, but now it's just how I operate. Thoughts, emotions and sensations stream through me at every waking moment, but I am the master above it all. If I choose not to give it attention it will go away as quickly as it came to be. Just like not hopping onto a train, it will just arrive and then leave.

 

[.Julius]

Yes!! Without a doubt. This was exactly what I did.

My process was simple, yet it did take many sessions. The goal is to bring yourself to a state of meta-thinking, the word meta in this context means "about itself". So basically you think about your thoughts, like running 2 threads on a processor and one of them monitors the other to make sure it's done right.

1. Remove as many distractions as possible, set an alarm for how much time you'll use (checking time is a distraction).
2. Focus on one thing, commonly the breath is used, but it can be easier to maintain visual focus on an object. Closing your eyes is not a requirement to effectively meditate, just keep distractions to a minimum.
3. Bring your focus calmly back to that object when you notice you're paying attention to your thoughts.
4. If you do it well you'll get the sense that your thoughts cease or at least feel distant in your mind, you should feel calm and possibly good.
5. Now you can try letting the thoughts enter your mind in a controlled manner rather than as stressful noise. While you do this you can evaluate your previous thoughts from a calmer and more mindful perspective, most of the thoughts you can just dismiss and now they've lost their power over you.

The single most important thing I learned from meditation is to not identify with my thoughts. That I am not my thoughts, I am the observer of my thoughts. What I actually control in meditation is only my attention, I am in direct control of it. I learned to direct my attention with meditation, but now it's just how I operate. Thoughts, emotions and sensations stream through me at every waking moment, but I am the master above it all. If I choose not to give it attention it will go away as quickly as it came to be. Just like not hopping onto a train, it will just arrive and then leave.

So from what I understand the first "goal" of meditation is to quiet the mind. I am a bit confused as to how I am supposed to bring in 1 thought at a time and observe it. Is this something I will just understand once I get better at meditating?
Also how often do you meditate if you don't mind me asking? and how soon should I start seeing possible benefits?

 

[Serenity]

So from what I understand the first "goal" of meditation is to quiet the mind. I am a bit confused as to how I am supposed to bring in 1 thought at a time and observe it. Is this something I will just understand once I get better at meditating?
Also how often do you meditate if you don't mind me asking? and how soon should I start seeing possible benefits?

The goal is to quiet your mind yes. To obtain control of your own mind instead of having all these negative thoughts bother you. The way to do that is to deprive it of attention, it will eventually run out of energy just like when you don't give attention to an annoying b!tch.

That first goal is there to prevent you from being overwhelmed while processing your sh!tty experience. The way to bring in one thought at a time naturally becomes easier when you have first practiced directing your attention. It is done with the same method, notice when your focus drifts to other thoughts and bring it back to what you decided to think about.

When I first learned about meditation I did it several times a week for about a year. It helped a little each time, but it took a long time because there was a lot I had to deal with. Now I can handle most things on the fly, so I only meditate when I feel overwhelmed.

How soon you'll see benefits depends on how quickly you learn it. I would say that you'll notice a difference after meditating the first 5 times, but it will probably take more to have long term effects. How long is very individual and depends on how much you'll have to process, I can't know how long it will take for you. Do not lose your motivation thinking about the end goal, focus on how much you progress compared to before.

Remember that it's your attention you need to control, not your thoughts.