3 years. Still not over her

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John9999

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Yeah, I need a few more swift kicks to the head. Preferably not at the hands of my bat-sh*t-crazy ex.
The crazies never get better because they think their crap is regular and okay. I see my one of my ex crazies on Facebook. 8 years later abs she’s still the same.
 
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Atom Smasher

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As soon as I see a post from a man who has been stuck in an ex's vortex for years, I know it's a case of bat-sh!t crazy BPD.

These women are like a black hole that pull a man's very life force out of him.

OP, you should read the BPD thread. You'll recognize both her and yourself in there, and you will be equipped to escape the soul-crushing vortex that you've been stuck in for several year. It's your only way out, dude. The answers lie within these pages.
 

evan12

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I’m 53 for the record.

it’s been three years since my ex fiancé and I split up. Absolutely zero contact, no meetings or anything for three years. For god sake‘s it ended very very badly, the worst ending to a horrible toxic relationship that I’ve ever experienced. But I just can’t get this one off my mind.

focusing on myself, have ramped up my exercise routine and getting great results. I’m going on a date tomorrow night and trying to have a good attitude about it, just can’t seem to move on and be excited about other women. even banged with two different women last month and although it was good, it just wasn’t like being in love.

arghh. It’s been harder to get over her than my ex-wife who I spent 24 years with, 17 of which we were married. no break up with any girlfriend has ever torn me up like this one, I’ve gotten over those fast, but wasn’t in love with any of them.

Anyone else got that one woman you just can’t get over.
Most of the time we are stuck with the good memories than with the person, I am sure you remembering the good memories and moments you had with her and miss that moments.
What you are really missing is not that person , but that moments, so you need to start creating that moments but with another woman, I would suggest go with a woman who is willing to put effords in the relationship as with her you will more likely able to live good moments, I wouldnt advise you to look for women above you because they will not give you that feeling. Hope that helps
 
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Nah, he was in wove... It's a beta mindset.
Yes.

I'm finding that there are two facets to beta-killing. One is forward-looking. As in how do I think, feel, and act around others as I move forward, correcting the mistakes of my previous self. Depending on how deep the faulty wiring goes, that can be a tall order by itself.

The other is more rear-facing, and is about how you come to grips with the tangible artifacts of your past life. Those artifacts are usually people. And even though you see them with fresh eyes, they can be still deeply entrenched in your previous patterns. They know how to get under your skin and make your life difficult (my ex-wife). Or on the flip side, know how to be a temptation that is difficult to resist (my ex-mistress).

The difficulty of the latter is something I'm coming to appreciate as life continues to bring the unexpected.
 

Trump

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I’m 53 for the record.

it’s been three years since my ex fiancé and I split up. Absolutely zero contact, no meetings or anything for three years. For god sake‘s it ended very very badly, the worst ending to a horrible toxic relationship that I’ve ever experienced. But I just can’t get this one off my mind.

focusing on myself, have ramped up my exercise routine and getting great results. I’m going on a date tomorrow night and trying to have a good attitude about it, just can’t seem to move on and be excited about other women. even banged with two different women last month and although it was good, it just wasn’t like being in love.

arghh. It’s been harder to get over her than my ex-wife who I spent 24 years with, 17 of which we were married. no break up with any girlfriend has ever torn me up like this one, I’ve gotten over those fast, but wasn’t in love with any of them.

Anyone else got that one woman you just can’t get over.
Do you have children?
 
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Spaz

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Stupid or silly decisions happen when a dude is in wove. That's what's wrong with being in wove.
When in love with a woman, would you eat shiet when she asks you?

Chances are you won't.

But some might do, just to prove their love, that's when men become stupid because not only did he reduced himself to eating shiet but he also reduced himself in her eyes.

No woman worth her salt will ever admire such a spineless man.

Love is not the problem.

The problem is the man himself has no spine to stand up for himself.
 

switch7

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You need to recognize that it isn't her. It's you. You need to become master of your own mind. Study self- hypnosis. Not even half joking. Completely serious. You have to do whatever YOU have to do to become undisputed master of your own mind, author of your own thoughts. If a chick is gone from your life, she should be gone from your head. You shouldn't even be able to readily recall her name. If you bumped into her on the street, you shouldn't even instantly recognize her. If a friend brings her up in conversation, your first response should be "who?" Practice this skill until it becomes automatic.

Interesting response, and I'm all for it..

Can you give me some practices for mastering your own mind? Perhaps ones that you have found the most useful.
 

RickTheToad

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When in love with a woman, would you eat shiet when she asks you?

Chances are you won't.

But some might do, just to prove their love, that's when men become stupid because not only did he reduced himself to eating shiet but he also reduced himself in her eyes.

No woman worth her salt will ever admire such a spineless man.

Love is not the problem.

The problem is the man himself has no spine to stand up for himself.
I was agreeing with you.
 

ShePays

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Interesting response, and I'm all for it..

Can you give me some practices for mastering your own mind? Perhaps ones that you have found the most useful.
I'll give you the simplest one, one that can be implemented immediately. Self-talk: you have to change the way you talk to yourself. Instead of "I miss her. I need her. How can I get her back? Why did she leave me?" you should be saying "I'm so glad she's finally gone. I wasted too much time with her. She was completely wrong for me. I'm thankful that she was strong enough to do what I should have done myself."

That's simply replacing the negative self-talk with a more productive script. That's just changing HOW you think of her, but the next step is to completely REPLACE thoughts of her with positive action, action which doesn't allow space for her in your thoughts. All those things you should have been doing, and were putting off...thoughts of her now become triggers for those activities.

These are basic. Self-hypnosis is more involved. I know it sounds glib, but this is something I started doing in my teens, and then perfected by my early twenties. So, it's been automatic for so long, that it requires thought to analyze the process. It does become habitual, though. Just the other day, i got a call from a business associate, and he brought up an associate of ours, with whom I dealt on a daily basis, for 2 years, and whom I'd known for several years prior. I had ceased business with him less than a year ago, due to his shady practices that I'd discovered. I had to struggle to recall his name. The business was so unpleasant, that I'd literally evicted him from my thoughts, completely. It's just habit, at this point. If I want to forget something, it's gone. If i want to remember something, it stays.
 
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I'll give you the simplest one, one that can be implemented immediately. Self-talk: you have to change the way you talk to yourself. Instead of "I miss her. I need her. How can I get her back? Why did she leave me?" you should be saying "I'm so glad she's finally gone. I wasted too much time with her. She was completely wrong for me. I'm thankful that she was strong enough to do what I should have done myself."
This.

I was doing that from the very beginning when my mistress bolted. What took time was moving from saying the latter but still feeling the former, to truly internalizing the latter.
 

stormrider

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You need to recognize that it isn't her. It's you. You need to become master of your own mind. Study self- hypnosis. Not even half joking. Completely serious. You have to do whatever YOU have to do to become undisputed master of your own mind, author of your own thoughts. If a chick is gone from your life, she should be gone from your head. You shouldn't even be able to readily recall her name. If you bumped into her on the street, you shouldn't even instantly recognize her. If a friend brings her up in conversation, your first response should be "who?" Practice this skill until it becomes automatic.
You can also do this naturally. It’s through integrity. If you loved yourself 100% and did everything for your own good 100% of the time, you would be untouchable. Anything that violates your sense of sovereignty gets dismissed. Out of sight, out of mind. When you know you are the gold standard, you don’t need self talk.

100% integrity is how you get there. Few men have this. Those who do create their own worlds and have other people living in it.

You would also attract a lot of haters and needy people leeching off of your value.
 

ShePays

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This.

I was doing that from the very beginning when my mistress bolted. What took time was moving from saying the latter but still feeling the former, to truly internalizing the latter.
You can also do this naturally. It’s through integrity. If you loved yourself 100% and did everything for your own good 100% of the time, you would be untouchable. Anything that violates your sense of sovereignty gets dismissed. Out of sight, out of mind. When you know you are the gold standard, you don’t need self talk.

100% integrity is how you get there. Few men have this. Those who do create their own worlds and have other people living in it.

You would also attract a lot of haters and needy people leeching off of your value.
Sure, but if you're still in the stage where you are the demon that haunts your own mind, with negative talk, you need to cancel out the negative self-talk, and then blot it out completely. I don't think someone new to this, who is really haunted by such thoughts, will just flip a switch. It will take time and practive. For me, I don't even have to think about it, it's automatic; I would need to impose will to prevent the process. But it wasn't always automatic.

You can call it integrity or equilibrium. I call it congruity. I think we both mean the same thing. Congruity is just what happens when your internal life and external life are mutually reinforcing, not in conflict. Grace comes from your actions and thoughts being in perfect sync. Happiness is when the world you imagine is the world you see around you. Peace is when the demons are expelled from both your landscape and mindscape. Fluidity comes from congruity.

Baby steps.
 

stormrider

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Sure, but if you're still in the stage where you are the demon that haunts your own mind, with negative talk, you need to cancel out the negative self-talk, and then blot it out completely. I don't think someone new to this, who is really haunted by such thoughts, will just flip a switch. It will take time and practive. For me, I don't even have to think about it, it's automatic; I would need to impose will to prevent the process. But it wasn't always automatic.

You can call it integrity or equilibrium. I call it congruity. I think we both mean the same thing. Congruity is just what happens when your internal life and external life are mutually reinforcing, not in conflict. Grace comes from your actions and thoughts being in perfect sync. Happiness is when the world you imagine is the world you see around you. Peace is when the demons are expelled from both your landscape and mindscape. Fluidity comes from congruity.

Baby steps.
Congruity can only be achieved through purposeful will. When a man is about his purpose and uses 100% of his will to pursue this purpose, there would be no state friction inside of him. This is also part of integrity.

But when a man stops pursuing his purpose, he will experience a state friction. His outside expression will be distorted as a result . His outside reality will reflect his fractured internal self.

Nature created you this way so that you can advance civilization. There is a mechanism inside of you that rewards and punishes you to keep you on track.

Negative self talk is nothing more than the voice inside of you telling you that you are not on your purpose. You are experiencing a state friction. And in the end, you express to the world a distorted version of yourself. And no amount of positive self talk is going to help you.

The only thing that works is masculine will. Your attention is always on. You cannot turn it off. You are born with awareness. However, where you focus that attention determines your reality.

When you focus your attention on things that don’t bring you closer to your purpose, your reality becomes distorted. And when you focus your attention on your purpose, your internal state, expression, and reality all align in congruence with each other.

The ability to change reality based on your internal state is often referred to as the law of attraction. Every man is born with this innate ability. He has to be. It’s his sword that he uses to create civilization.

Whenever I see a guy with state friction and a distorted self expression, I know exactly what the root of the cause is. Lack of purpose. Or more accurately, lack of focus on his purpose.

His focus is a leaky faucet, and thus he creates nothing but internal state friction and distorted expressions of himself.

You cannot escape your pupose. And your purpose isnt difficult to find. They are built into your daily life pressures. You cannot escape your life pressures. But when you use your masculine will to take on your life pressures head on, you will develop what I call Internal Dominance.

As men we only have one sword. And that is will. This whole realm is the realm of will. When will meets purpose, the man becomes self determining and is fit to lead his tribe as king.

This is why your focus should never be on your relationship. If it is, you will experience state friction and express a distorted version of yourself eventually.
 
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