Improper understanding and application of boundaries gets men in trouble

[BackInTheGame78]

I've seen a lot of talk about setting "boundaries" for women, but usually the talk centers around their behavior and the boundary.

This is the wrong application of what a boundary is.

The boundary is NOT meant to control their behavior, it is to let them know what YOUR behavior will be if they choose not to respect it.

You cannot control anyone else's behavior, only your own. Therefore when you set a boundary, you aren't telling her she cannot do something, you are telling her that you cannot be with someone who does that.

So instead of saying, "You can't do that," a healthy boundary sounds more like: "If that's how you choose to live, I don't think we're compatible," or "I can't continue this relationship under those circumstances."

The difference seems subtle but it's the mindset behind it that matters.

In the first scenario you are trying to control her behavior. In the second, you are only controlling your own behavior.

That's where many people get boundaries wrong. They see them as tools to change someone else's behavior, when they're really commitments to themselves.

And as such, if you set a boundary and you repeatedly don't enforce it, you are showing you are weak and undermining your own credibility in the relationship with her and most importantly with yourself.

Weak not because you are allowing her to do some thing, weak because you will not stand up for a line in the sand that you have drawn that you claim was unacceptable.

And that's how women begin to lose respect for you. Refusing to enforce boundaries for YOURSELF that you have drawn, meaning you don't respect yourself, so why should she?

So the next time you think you are setting a boundary for HER, remember, the boundary isn't for her, it's for YOU.

 

[Westminster]

That's sound advice not least because controlling and coercive behaviour is now a criminal offence (at least in the UK). Focusing on your own boundaries (and the consequences of breaching them) means you are less likely to fall foul of that.

 

[Plinco]

Like I've said repeatedly, you teach people how to treat you.

 

[RangerMIke]

Setting boundaries is attempt at control... you cannot control women. She is going to do what she will do based on her nature

Sane women know what most men like and don't like. When she does things, most men do not like, then take that as an indication she is not attracted to you.... or she is testing what you are willing to put up with... if it is something you are not willing to put up with, then move on because she is telling you what she is. The last thing is that she is not a normal functioning woman.

I really don't want to get into a 'boundaries' debate. If a man wants to set boundaries with a woman fine, and best of luck with that. I'm just saying I never do this. As soon as a woman starts behaving in a way I don't like, no drama... no arguments... I just move on. A sane woman will know exactly why you have moved on, and if she really likes you she will self-correct... a crazy chick might be confused or angry... but you don't want crazy in your life. I am not interested in trying to train a crazy woman on how to behave.

If your goal is to get a woman no matter what, then sure... setting boundaries will help, but in my experience, it is only temporary. I have lost MANY women to other men because I just walk away from behavior I don't like. My attitude with those men is 'good luck', and I am not exaggerating when I say most of these relationships end poorly for the man who 'won'.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Setting boundaries is attempt at control... you cannot control women. She is going to do what she will do based on her nature

Sane women know what most men like and don't like. When she does things, most men do not like, then take that as an indication she is not attracted to you.... or she is testing what you are willing to put up with... if it is something you are not willing to put up with, then move on because she is telling you what she is. The last thing is that she is not a normal functioning woman.

I really don't want to get into a 'boundaries' debate. If a man wants to set boundaries with a woman fine, and best of luck with that. I'm just saying I never do this. As soon as a woman starts behaving in a way I don't like, no drama... no arguments... I just move on. A sane woman will know exactly why you have moved on, and if she really likes you she will self-correct... a crazy chick might be confused or angry... but you don't want crazy in your life. I am not interested in trying to train a crazy woman on how to behave.

If your goal is to get a woman no matter what, then sure... setting boundaries will help, but in my experience, it is only temporary. I have lost MANY women to other men because I just walk away from behavior I don't like. My attitude with those men is 'good luck', and I am not exaggerating when I say most of these relationships end poorly for the man who 'won'.

That's the whole point with boundaries. They know what is and isn't acceptable and you walk away if they choose not to accept them.

That's the entire point. A boundary is something that will control your behavior, not hers. I'm not into playing guessing games with people. If I wanted that, I could go play a game of Clue.

 

[plumber]

Setting boundaries is attempt at control... you cannot control women. She is going to do what she will do based on her nature

Sane women know what most men like and don't like. When she does things, most men do not like, then take that as an indication she is not attracted to you.... or she is testing what you are willing to put up with... if it is something you are not willing to put up with, then move on because she is telling you what she is. The last thing is that she is not a normal functioning woman.

I really don't want to get into a 'boundaries' debate. If a man wants to set boundaries with a woman fine, and best of luck with that. I'm just saying I never do this. As soon as a woman starts behaving in a way I don't like, no drama... no arguments... I just move on. A sane woman will know exactly why you have moved on, and if she really likes you she will self-correct... a crazy chick might be confused or angry... but you don't want crazy in your life. I am not interested in trying to train a crazy woman on how to behave.

If your goal is to get a woman no matter what, then sure... setting boundaries will help, but in my experience, it is only temporary. I have lost MANY women to other men because I just walk away from behavior I don't like. My attitude with those men is 'good luck', and I am not exaggerating when I say most of these relationships end poorly for the man who 'won'.

you just described setting a proper boundary. and its consistent with what op said.

 

[Prepostereax]

A boundary does not need to be stated.
You just need to know where YOUR boundaries lie.
And stick to them
Unilaterally, that is. Boundaries are not up for negotiation.

For example, once I had circumstantial evidence that a gf was contacting her ex
(She made a booty call, but there was something odd about the time of day and urgency of this call.
When I left her place, I noticed her ex's distinctive vehicle parked in the next block)
Being naiive in the ways of women at that time, I did ask a female colleague to help figure out if this was enough of a smoking gun.
Once I'd decided that she'd crossed a boundary, I went to her place, returned her keys, and put my hand out for mine.
She returned them without a word, because she knew she'd crossed a line and that I'd figured something was up.
(ie no conversion about "me v him", or anything else for that matter.
As far as I was concerned, she wasn't worth spending any more effort on)

 

[BadBoy89]

So instead of saying, "You can't do that," a healthy boundary sounds more like: "If that's how you choose to live, I don't think we're compatible," or "I can't continue this relationship under those circumstances."

The difference seems subtle but it's the mindset behind it that matters.

In the first scenario you are trying to control her behavior. In the second, you are only controlling your own behavior.

Its the same result though.

In fact, you make the argument the 1st instance is manly and the 2nd instance is feminine.

On a Friends episode, Chandler told Monica he was "putting his foot down" and said "you can't spend all our money on our wedding." Then Phoebe says "Wow, money and firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get board with."

 

[BPH]

I think a good way to go about boundaries is summarized by this quote: "you get what you expect and you deserve what you tolerate".