Confession: I think I messed up my life

[Lauel]

Sorry this one will be long.

Hello, I am: 23, 170cm, 70kg. Athletic.
I have been working with a US company as a freelancer for months (7-8), and slowly and gradually I came upon the current pay where if I were to work 10 hours every day for a few months, I might just get my own house. Since I am from a third world country, each dollar is more than enough to buy a meal here.

It's all good till then, but over the years I think I messed up relationship and now it sits at the bottom. I was so consumed by the lust and ego that I killed it by my hands personally, and now it feels unfixable.

More than two years into our love/relationship, I kept hiding things from her while she told me everything on her side. She was more devoted, very caring and loving towards me, but I remember once in 2024 I remember talking to a college junior of mine, especially about the poetry she posted on instagram, about the meaning and stuffs, and for some reason I deleted it, thinking oh she might get angry. I was caught, and ever since the trust on me is downside. Each time I tried to fix things, a new minor issue would come up. All on me, all. In fact I remember I backbitched about her to my friend again back in 2024 when we were 6 months into this dating. Nothing to clarify on this, you can say I was a pretty ****ty person.
Trust, her emotions and everything was left so broken that minor problems later turned into bigger problems: Not showing messages on who I had conversation with, some jokes about MILFs which I had for some reason saved in my telegram from 2022 I think, some school farewell photos where I was standing pretty close with my ex hands on her waist and stuffs.

All these got way worse, when my sex addiction got worse. We both were very into this in fact being the first for each other in every manner, we were simply quite addicted to each other, but there was this moment when we were on a trip with her best friend in mountainous countryside where she said she wasn't interested, and I would seduce here, and push her for it. I think I forced myself on her, we had a fight next morning, and I apologized for what I did in lust.
Suddenly next night she wanted sex at 3AM, on the very same large size bed her friend was sleeping just across it. She called it the best sex of her life, and I thought everything was fixed.

Relationship turned more toxic over time, more fights and more arguments then more sex the very next day for hours. I seriously didn't understand what was happening. From my understanding she characterized me as a kind of a playboy who used her for sex, which I didn't. My body county is still one, and I haven't touched a single girl ever since I met her. I won over her body, and slowly lost her heart.

She says now she hates me, and blocks me. Few days later unblocks me, and wants to sleep together just sleep, which eventually turns into a sex, and then fights that I raped her or forced myself on her? A week later forgives it, and wants to travel with me. Then it repeats.

I started fixing myself up, earning money, paid my education loan, made her work too with me with what she paid her own loan, I paid my father's loan, and suddenly I was a man of this house. To make her feel secure, I stopped talking to any girl. My good friend on which we had multiple arguments on, I stopped talking to him too. Couldn't bear it. Every conversation was taken out of context, there would be tears, trauma of the past, and my years old mistakes. The loop keeps on going, and I have no one now. I keep blaming myself, thinking I destroyed something beautiful.

Lately I realized things were going more downhill. This hate-love relationship continues, and I am single-handedly sustaining a family of two elder sisters, a mother, and a father. I pay electricity bills, invest in stocks, invest in bond account through my mother's name, getting refrigerators and ROs fixed, getting new ACs and what not.

It has been months since anyone has asked me how am I. No one cares I work to the point of red sore eyes, just to get back to a woman who hates me then hates herself for loving me. A family who really loves for me, cares for me but somehow also has a list of things they want. Mother wants a gold chain, father wants me to buy a new land, mother wants a new bed, AC etc.

For someone who grew up in poverty, this work opportunity was not something I could give up, and unable to cope up with all of this, I started taking Ashwagandha, and now I feel nothing. No emotions, no tears, no smile, no sadness, nothing. Pure hollowness. I haven't talked to anyone much beyond work, money, geopolitics and stocks. Everything feels hollow, and deep down I hate myself. A feeling which reminds me of that movie named American Psycho.
Mind is more deranged too, somedays I think I should get a prostitute instead just to talk to me, and for once someone will hold a conversation which isn't a fight, swearings, or asking for some money like my family does.

I try to fix things with her, showing how I respect her, consider her consent, care for her and if she wants would do anything for her. But nothing seems to work. Things started getting so bitter, that even holding a normal 2-liner conversation is a pure hell.


Till now I have been telling myself: Suck it up. It's your fault, go on be a man and fix it, but this doesn't work and I don't know what to do.

 

[sevbucmash]

Sounds like a horrible woman. Leave her.

You are in 50 to 59% of IL, closer to 50% then to 59%. Here is a good read for you.

Proper thing for you is to leave her, block her, and never speak to her again.

 

[Lauel]

Sounds like a horrible woman. Leave her.

You are in 50 to 59% of IL, closer to 50% then to 59%. Here is a good read for you.

Proper thing for you is to leave her, block her, and never speak to her again.

So true. It's like I am being thrown on lower pedestal and having to constantly prove myself.
Before writing this she was going to her friend's house whose mother is I'll, and we had a call back then. Hours later i message, that when you would go back home, and the reply was "what would you like to do with it? After all you have done to me do you deserve to know?".
Anyways few more hours later more stories about misogyny, patriarchy and what not. Can't bear this ****.
Already fever, coughing, dark eye circles and fatigue.
Also thanks for the reply, sire, means a lot.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@Lauel "Till now I have been telling myself: Suck it up. It's your fault, go on be a man and fix it..."

The desire to play hero and "save the world" runs deep in all of us males. A key component of MANHOOD is becoming aware of that urge, then developing saner thoughts on the subject. Ex.

You've written "Things started getting so bitter, that even holding a normal 2-liner conversation is a pure hell"... This has clearly gone irreparably sour, and you're creating more pain for yourself/likely everyone in your orbit(this girl included)by trying to "save the day" and "fix" things. @sevbucmash is right on the money, in his assessment... Ending whatever it is between you and her will be healthier for you AND her both

 

[BadBoy89]

Hello, I am: 23, 170cm, 70kg. Athletic.

I thought you messed up your life by not being 6’1

 

[Clockwerk50]

Are you still living with your parents? Do they help with things like meals, cleaning, and laundry? If so, it’s fair for you to help them financially to some degree, but remember, I said help, not take on 100% of their responsibilities. Focus on working as much as you can while this opportunity lasts, because it may not always be there.

Regarding your girlfriend, it really sounds like the messages she found were mostly harmless or just things that got misinterpreted. Even if they weren’t, you need to move past the shame. She chose to stay with you despite these issues, which means she also has to get over them. Moving forward, both of you need to rebuild your relationship on a new foundation. If that foundation isn’t making you happy and is keeping you miserable, it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being, even if that means taking a different path without her.

You’re only 23. Try to find some solace in that. You have a lot of time to grow, make mistakes, and create a life that fulfills you. Don’t let guilt or past mistakes dictate your happiness.

 

[Lauel]

Are you still living with your parents?

I do. It's a cultural thing here, majorly kids move out after marriage, sometimes not even then.

Do they help with things like meals, cleaning, and laundry?

My mother is a housewife, and she does a lot. Probably the reason I wish to keep her happy, and within a year I bought: a silver coin, two gold earrings, and some few thousand dollars of CDs entirely in her name. Some corp bonds to ensure she gets fixed income in her bank account. She is a very good person towards, a really loving and caring. The list of demands and child like stubborn-ness to have things she wants makes it hard.

even if that means taking a different path without her.

I think I am afraid. Afraid that if I don't stop here, the money and lust would eat me out. I would go through women like numbers, and just won't stop.

Focus on working as much as you can while this opportunity lasts, because it may not always be there.

Something I say to myself each day.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I do. It's a cultural thing here, majorly kids move out after marriage, sometimes not even then.


My mother is a housewife, and she does a lot. Probably the reason I wish to keep her happy, and within a year I bought: a silver coin, two gold earrings, and some few thousand dollars of CDs entirely in her name. Some corp bonds to ensure she gets fixed income in her bank account. She is a very good person towards, a really loving and caring. The list of demands and child like stubborn-ness to have things she wants makes it hard.


I think I am afraid. Afraid that if I don't stop here, the money and lust would eat me out. I would go through women like numbers, and just won't stop.


Something I say to myself each day.

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy and When I Say No I Feel Guilty. It will help you understand why you feel guilty saying no, why you struggle to set boundaries, and why you overextend yourself for others. These books will bring you more knowledge and answers than what a single forum post can.

Good luck!

 

[plumber]

she is managing you emotionally. you are now a top earning man in your environment. you have real power... if i understand your situation you likely have a line of women that want a shot at you.

what will help is to know that her opinion is just that; only her opinion. even if she tells you that others said it or that they agree with her, it is still from her mouth. if its from her mouth its her opinion.

it natural to care about the opinion of someone that has been so close. that is the bind...

choice 1. get away from her, no contact. forget about her. this will solve the problem for you. very difficult to actually do. many will suggest it, even those that can not do it themself.

choice 2. never show that you care about her opinion. do not get upset (visibly). really understand that it is just her opinion and that truth is only what you accept it to be. do not do things for her unless she has been good.... if you feel like your reaching out... don't. this is counterintuitive because it initially will feel like your being a jerk. in truth it is just enforcing boundary. never be mean, never tell her off, never explain why... if you pick this option the forum here will be really helpful to you. there will be weeks or months of conflict before she either breaks it off or shapes up.

choice 3. no change. over time you will get ground down and down and down.


regardless read those books suggested by clock. they will likely really open your eyes to things that men need to know.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Don't beat yourself up about any woman you lose at such a young age. She's gonna get fat, trust me. Then you will be glad you're not with her.

 

[MatureDJ]

she is managing you emotionally. you are now a top earning man in your environment. you have real power... if i understand your situation you likely have a line of women that want a shot at you.

what will help is to know that her opinion is just that; only her opinion. even if she tells you that others said it or that they agree with her, it is still from her mouth. if its from her mouth its her opinion.

it natural to care about the opinion of someone that has been so close. that is the bind...

choice 1. get away from her, no contact. forget about her. this will solve the problem for you. very difficult to actually do. many will suggest it, even those that can not do it themself.

choice 2. never show that you care about her opinion. do not get upset (visibly). really understand that it is just her opinion and that truth is only what you accept it to be. do not do things for her unless she has been good.... if you feel like your reaching out... don't. this is counterintuitive because it initially will feel like your being a jerk. in truth it is just enforcing boundary. never be mean, never tell her off, never explain why... if you pick this option the forum here will be really helpful to you. there will be weeks or months of conflict before she either breaks it off or shapes up.

choice 3. no change. over time you will get ground down and down and down.


regardless read those books suggested by clock. they will likely really open your eyes to things that men need to know.

Yes, she knows that he is a hot commodity, and so she has to set up a big game to hold on to him. Notice that she still gives up the kitty, since women instinctively know that if one woman gives up the kitty while another one doesn't, the man will prefer the one giving up the kitty.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Well, with the culture difference, I can understand living in the same family home with three generations present. I've seen some of that with my extended family despite it becoming more scarce each generation. At least in the context of being socially acceptable. Here in the US, you're considered a "man child" if you live in the home you grew up in with your parents, regardless of how much you contribute.

About the lady, I DO have some general advice. You're doubling down on one woman. You have a fear of potentially treating women like "numbers" due to your finances opening doors normally closed and not being able to stop doing it. So what? You think this one girl is special, right? How are you to know that you won't find a lady after 10 more or even 20 more that you'll feel has more to offer and in turn you'd be willing to give her more as well as your loyalty?

Even older men sometimes don't know. And you're 23. I know it's been repeated, but for a reason. Early 20's is perfect for meeting women and understanding them. Key word "women." Plural. Not so sure what the average age for marriage is there, but let's say that average age IS 23. So what? Are you everybody? I'd take it you have success most people don't have at that age.

I'd say you've got a winning position. Just work on your mindset and your focus. Pick your goals and achieve them.

 

[Lauel]

Some updates on my life:
Distanced myself, since I can't leave this girl as of now. Even if things turned sour and irreparable now, she was once like a flower for me. Anyway, I don't message and I don't call. I do not have read receipts or anything else. Just focusing on sleep and work for now. We met and there was her old friend with us. She started claiming I raped her, this friend is visibly shocked. The circus goes on for an hour or so, rather than backing down or being thrown in guilt trip, I sit smiling sarcastically. Then the s®it talking stops I don't budge and the day goes on for normal, in a historical place travelling going back home, thinking okay that's it.

The rape laws are quite messed up here, so I am pretty scared of that part. Lately she flips in any direction like a switch, IDK if this thing can get dragged in court, and how severe it will be for me. That's the reason I am creating as much distance as possible without sounding I used here, or I am the one leaving here. Uhm yeah there are laws here which can get you in jail if you are sexual with the girl, she claims in court you promised her marriage or a stable relationship, and then you end it.

She calls me ****boy when she is in he raped me mode. When that has passed she is in jolly mode then travels with me, calls me Casanova when girls approach me and try to look at me. I am staying silent, and hoping she ends it.

Last thing, her family kind of tortures her, or nags her to death for not doing anything or earning money. She is two years older than me. I want to play like a hero, but I won't. I have tried it doesn't change anything.

In later conversation she says I have no guilt and shame, I don't respect her. For the legal purposes so it doesn't look like I used her, I have to reply in chat, and show stuffs. She explains how traumatizing it is for her, I listen, she switches to she should have killed me for it, cries, and ends chat.
I wish I could have helped her, but my involvement in any manner is not improving this for her or me. So I am staying back for now, and seeing it through.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

NO WOMAN is worth any amount of anything if they try to pull the 'R' card on you. NOTHING good will come from that. If you aren't willing to gamble everyday with your finances, just remember you're taking the same or worse of a gamble when you spend a minute with her. You're VERY LUCKY, but eventually your luck WILL run out.

 

[Travel memoir21]

Welcome to adulthood my friend. All of us males at some point have to deal with this type of crap in the modern world at some point in our lives. You have much to be thankful for, your situation could be worse, you could be in prison right now without female company dropping the soap in the shower for years lol. You're young, I suggest you go out there and talk to more Single women who are worth your time and spin more plates. I said talk, not sleep around, you're young, you want to sexually transmute your energy to your purpose and your goals and not get distracted by the poontang. I suggest you hit the gym and spend more time with your brothers in arms and have more adventures and travel than to waste your precious youth worrying about this type of crap.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

This bytch is CRAZY. Run. I mean RUN away from her.

She is giving you emotional roller coaster, pushing you away, pulling you back in, keeping you off balance....so she can control you, and you, with your addiction prone personality, fall for it.

She entices you with sex and then says you raped her. Toxic. TOXIC.

RUN.

Get away from her, heal, and never look back.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Advice from the old lady:

This bytch is CRAZY. Run. I mean RUN away from her.

She is giving you emotional roller coaster, pushing you away, pulling you back in, keeping you off balance....so she can control you, and you, with your addiction prone personality, fall for it.

She entices you with sex and then says you raped her. Toxic. TOXIC.

RUN.

Get away from her, heal, and never look back.

Crazy with a "K!" I've had drunk gfs physically assault me but never have I ever had them pull that one!

 

[BeExcellent]

Crazy with a "K!" I've had drunk gfs physically assault me but never have I ever had them pull that one!

Ya well none of that is Ok.

 

[Sega Genesis]

@Lauel I just caught up with your story and am actually a bit shaken by it; I'm so sorry man. Sending you a virtual hug.

Re her false allegation of rape, begin communicating in text if you haven't been, especially when her mood is on the upswing and she reverses her frame about the "alleged" rape. Get everything in writing (evidence).

Others are right she is a complete LOON, no court of law will ever take her seriously so try to not worry too much about that.

Hang in, and continue posting for support if you need to. You've been given great advice.

 

[Lauel]

Thank you for the replies I am trying to work this out. It is very hard for now.

Re her false allegation of rape, begin communicating in text if you haven't been, especially when her mood is on the upswing and she reverses her frame about the "alleged" rape. Get everything in writing (evidence).

I have tried. Did today. It's getting out of control for her.

Unlike how others see her, I don't think she is a bad girl. But a very sensitive one. I have created my distance, but her emotions are getting out of control. She starts crying remembering things, and I don't have the heart to say more things to a beautiful girl with extremely swollen eyes, who is simultaneously tortured by her family for work and money, to the levels I am afraid they might even pimp out their daughter.
I tried explaining to her "what we had last month was something you yourself said, get your pants off. Yes I touched and seduced you when we were in my room, but I waited for consent, and now when I ask how it is rape you tell me you were testing my love and seeing if I care for you? When you as an adult said yes? I don't understand. A month before that, again I waited for consent, then on my birthday you said you wanted it, let's go home. All these were not rape, I can go on and on, but yes I forced you on few instances namely in Dec 2024, and somewhere in summers 2025.".
This made it worse, she cried more trembled, couldn't type and couldn't speak. I really don't have the heart to see her like this. I want her to earn and get out of that house, to which once I offered to live with me, be my partner and I will sort things. Furthermore, I earn enough for a family, we can live, be happy etc., but no I think she simultaneously hates me, and can't leave me either.
Personally she is at such a weak spot that she can't leave me either. To make things easier for her, I have stopped touching her, looking in her eyes, or hugs, leave kisses. Just so this girl, can be free from negative emotions.

My conclusion was that a lot of my personal behaviors (to hide conversations, not to be honest) weren't fixed, and I kept pushing her for sex. Back then and even now in fact I touched a woman other than her, and not I have slept with one other than her, and it means a lot to me. Anyway, pushing her for sex, and intimacy since she was literally my partner, she thinks I "used" her. Her body loved it, but mind felt "used"/"raped". Each sex made it worse on the emotional level, and here I am.

I should be fine. Currently focusing on work.